~*~ Confessions and Thoughts of a Girl Looking to the Future~*~

PJ and I are totally Bright Eyes obsessed. We Love Conor :rotflmao: We went to one of his concerts over memorial day weekend in New York. It was such an amazing experience. I didn't know if anyone would know of them... but I listen to them constantly... along with Elliot Smith... do you know about him?

My mom thought she told me ... we even had an argument about it. She does that a lot... she had ECT (ElectroShock Therapy) ... so her memory is slightly screwed up.

 
Boam46 said:
Hey Everyone!

Today was busy and good and bad... this is going to be long so I apologize in advance. Last night I barely was able to sleep... probably because I was slightly nervous about the neurologist.

Well I guess I should start from this morning. I rushed this morning to do some more cleanig before my mother got her because if my apartment isn't spotless (which it wasn't ) then they pick on everything and honestly... I just did not want to deal with it. So I go to the airport to get my mom... turns out her plan was going to be 45 minutes late... but they dont' allow you to sit and wait so I had to drive in a circle in the airport for 45 minutes or have a cop write me a ticket bang on my window and yell at me... I went with the driving around... how thrilling.

Finally my mom gets there... she gets int he car and we're driving to Newbury Street to get lunch and walk around. She gets a call from my father and she seems concerned about what he's saying. Apparently my whole family forgot to tell me that my Great Aunt whom I havn't seen in years whom I'm supposed to see when we go to Las Vegas in November is in the hospital. However, she is not only in the hospital... she went in because she had bronchitis that wouldn't go away... what do they find... Cancer grapefruit sized cancer in her ovaries. No one told me this though (eventhough my mother claims she did) ... small argument over that... I won. She's gettign a historectomy tomorrow. However, they went to look to see if the cancer spread... its everywhere... EVERYWHERE! So I don't get eased into this info like everyone else in my family... NO... I get a bombed dropped right on me. I don't start bawling like I feel like I want too... I don' know why. My grandmother of course today is rushing to Las Vegas... its her only sister... her younger sister.

We go on with our day. We're walking up Newbury Street ... have lunch... head over to the hospital. We have to ask the people at the information desk where to go... but they just didnt' know .. between the four people at the information desk they finally figure it out. They are supposed to give out INFORMATION to direct people! We get to the neurology department... they can't find any record of my appointment!!! Like it never existed... WTF!! I was getting so frustrated ... my mother flew in from NY to go to the appointment with me and you lost my appointment. Finally after waitig a 1/2 hour they found a doctor to see (not the one I was supposed to see of course). It went well... he said its probably just migraines and put me on preventative medicine. The one side effect until your body gets used to it... it makes you slow (like your memory and speech) ... bring on the jokes... PJ is already at it:rotflmao: I have to go for an MRI next friday to rule out some sort of intracranial hypertension (doesn't that sound wonderful!!!!).

On to a better part of the day my mom and I went shopping for graduation cloths... and a new pair of jeans (my mom was disgusted by how big my other one's got) The lady at the store measured my waist ... I have lost 8 inches!!!! I was totally shocked 8 inches just from my waist. All the cloths I got were smaller... some of the shirts were 18's ... out of the 20's and into the teens... here I come!

Now I feel totally horrible about this next part... my mother pointed out that if my Aunt got sicker or died (OMG... I'm crying thinking about this!) my grandmother may not be able to come to my graduation. This totally tore me a part I understood why but felt soo devastated... I'm not sure how to feel. And I totally feel selfish for feeling bad about her maybe not being able to come... am I a horrible person? I just love my grandmother soo much... she was always there for me ...we're so close... i want to see her see me walk... I'm soo conflicted here

Then we picked up PJ and went to dinner and brought my mom to the airport to go home. Now i've had periods of beeing totally elated and crying hysterically.

Sorry I'm such a bummer tonight. I'm just crying. I'm soo conflicted ... maybe confused. I have decided when I go for my physical that I am going to make my doctor start screening me for cancer now!

Food Today:
Breakfast: too busy and forgot (i'm an idiot)
Lunch: Burger (didn't eat the bun) and a salad (really good)
Dinner: 1 steamed shrimp wanton, greek salad, haddock stuffed with crab meat with a lobster sauce, steamed broccoli and green beans... plenty leftover for lunch tomorrow.

Sorry I'm such a bummber... i wasn't home all day. I'll try to get to all of your journals now.

Lots of Love and Hugs to Everyone... I totally need lots of hugs LOL
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Hey dear,
Sorry to hear about your great-aunt. I know how you feel. My Gran had 8 siblings and they have been dropping like flies the last 10yrs. Out of the 9 original there are only 4 left, and one is not doing well at all. It is rough to see family you've known since birth leave us.

I hope you're gran can make it to your graduation. But if not, know that she will be there in spirit. Neither of my grandparents came to mine. My grandpa died 2yrs before I graduated, and that is something I've always felt bad about. I wanted him to see me graduate and get married, have babies etc, and he never did. It sucks, but you move on. If your gran can't make it to your graduation, just video it and/or take lots of pics and the two of you can watch/look at them together later on. It's not as good as her being there, but it's better than nothing.:) I'm sure she is proud as hell of you!!

Jenna, honey--you ARE stronger than you think. You prove it to me every single day with the way you push on through whatever shit comes your way. I know it's hard sometimes--you just wanna throw in the towel and say you've had enough. But you are a fighter, and you don't give in. Losing eight inches is such an accomplishment!! You have so much to be proud of. Not many people who have had to go through what you have are doing nearly as well as you are. You have a bright future despite your past. And I know that you are going to be happy if you will let yourself. You deserve to be blissfully happy. Keep your chin up, dear. I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.:hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2:
 
Boam46 said:
PJ and I are totally Bright Eyes obsessed. We Love Conor :rotflmao: We went to one of his concerts over memorial day weekend in New York. It was such an amazing experience. I didn't know if anyone would know of them... but I listen to them constantly... along with Elliot Smith... do you know about him?

My mom thought she told me ... we even had an argument about it. She does that a lot... she had ECT (ElectroShock Therapy) ... so her memory is slightly screwed up.
Click to expand...


Yep, I've heard of Elliot Smith! I know people who still get upset when it's the anniversary of his death. I've been listening to Bright Eyes for a few years now...I've never really gotten into Elliot Smith, but I might just give his music another chance. I haven't met that many people who have known about either Elliot Smith and Bright Eyes...actually, I think I've only met one person in real life that knew of Bright Eyes! :eek2: Everyone else that I know that knows them I told them about it!
 
Jenna
How wonderful that you lost 8 INCHES!!! :jump:
That is so awesome. I bet you just felt wonderful. You must look completely different from when you started. I am so inspired by your dedication. You ROCK!
It must have been a very hard day for you. :cry: With all the elated emotions from your size decrease to the news of your great aunt. It is no wonder that you feel drained. Just remember to take some time for you and just let the stress go.
I am so very sorry to hear about your great aunt. The situation with her sounds so very similar to my Grandma this past May. They thought gram was just having pnumonia (sp?). She could never breathe well enough without her O2 to have a MRI preformed. So when none of the family was there to protest to the procedure ( they would have to perform it w/o her O2 ) they went ahead and did a quick scan. She had a cancerous mass growing right on her pulmonery artery leading into/out of her lungs. That was on a Tuesday. There was nothing they could do for her. She was gone by Saturday. I was devastated. My gram and I were so very close. Though I was very sad to have it all happen so fast I am so very grateful for the time I did get to spend with her. Had she not gone in to the hospital no one would of had a clue as to how ill she really was.
I know how you feel about family not sharing info as well. Sometimes I don't even feel like I came from the same group as everyone else.
As for wanting your gram to see you walk that does not make you a bad person. For as long as you could remember that was the way it was going to be. It very well may still. I understand how you feel. You want that one special person to see you achieve your success. It's not selfish it's human. And it's Ok. :hug2: :hug2: :hug2:
I will be praying for you to have peace with the situation and all that is going on. Also for your great aunt, grandma and all the traveling that will be occuring. Just remember Jenna that there are alot of people here who are pulling for you. When you hurt so do we.
Take care of yourself.
Bellaryna
 
I am very sorry girl to hear about your great aunt.
The only advice or encouragement I can give you is that everything happens for a reason. I know it sounds cheesy but its true. Even when everything seems to be going wrong....there is still One who is in control of everything.

I hope things get better and i hope you are able to find some comfort.

Rena
 
Hey Jenna
I'm sorry to read of the situation with your Great Aunt. I hope everything will turn out for the best . Just keep you chin up :hug2:

Oh and congrats on those 8 inches of waistloss ! Is waistloss a word ? if it isn't it should be ! You keep on keepin on ok :hug2: :hug2:
 
Ugh. I hate it when family doesn't tell you important things. I found out my uncle got married and had a kid when the kid was FIVE YEARS old. Ridiculous. My husband found out his sister had been in a horrible wreck and was in ICU when she was RELEASED from the hospital 18 days later. GRR. SO I totally get it.

And you aren't being selfish about your grandma, you are being real. Being selfish would be not understanding why she couldn't be there. You are understanding, just disappointed. You're being human!
 
Hey Jenna hope your day is going well and that things with the family are getting better too. I'll keep your aunt in my thoughts and hope she gets better and that you get to see her before her time here is through.

On a happier note hope things in the weight loss world are going great. Keep up the good work.
 
Hello Everyone!

It totally sucks the site was down most of yesterday. I've been busy busy busy today... i guess I've been keeping busy because i don't know what to do. I have all these emotions and i'm not used to having to deal with them without any substance... no drugs, alcohol, food, self-harm... just integrating lots of varied raw emotions... since I was 10 I used things to help me... this is soo hard!!! So... how does everyone else cope?... because I'm just a freak of nature:rotflmao:

We had to take Esmerelda (my kitty) to the vet for her checkup today... she was sooo not a happy kitty... she was making noises that i've never heard coming out of her! She's been sleeping all day since because she got two vaccinations.

PJ decided all of a sudden to quit smoking today! This makes me extremely extremely happy... estatic... We'll be wasting money on the gum for awhile but I prefer it to him smoking. Once he starts to not feel soo crappy he'll start going to the gym and being really healthy with me. It will be awesome.

I hope everyone is having the awesomest (is this a word) weekend!
 
I didnt know he was a smoker, but that is very exciting news!
If he started going to the gym with you it would be very motivating
for both of you and easier to stick to it together! Quitting smoking
is the first step to a healthier PJ, thats awesome! :hug2:

xo
 
Yay for not smoking!! Him not smoking around you will help you out, too! All that second hand garbage.

The key to dealing/coping with emotions is to, well, cope...rather than trying to cover them up with substances. Let yourself feel them, explore the hurt but don't let it bury you. Crawl out of bed each day and find good things in your life. It gets easier.
 
That's great, Jenna! PJ quitting smoking is good for the both of you!

I think that it would be good for you to start keeping a paperjournal, or even a journal that's just a locked Word file on your PC, so you can go vent your feelings there when you feel horrible rather than depending on some kind of substance- or exercise any time you feel down!
 
lindseybot3k said:
That's great, Jenna! PJ quitting smoking is good for the both of you!

I think that it would be good for you to start keeping a paperjournal, or even a journal that's just a locked Word file on your PC, so you can go vent your feelings there when you feel horrible rather than depending on some kind of substance- or exercise any time you feel down!
Click to expand...

That is an excellent idea.:)
 
Hey Everyone!!!

Thanks soo much for your support... I know I havn't been my usual witty and as supportive self... i feel bad. I'm really trying. I'm trying to get exercise in and deal with everything. Tomorrow I have tos pend the whole day finishing up my directed study project that soo should have been done weeks ago:rotflmao: Of course... then things should get back on track... the end of a semester cna really screw with plans ...dammitt!!!

Well it'll all be fine except for my emotions and stuff but it will be fine. I have been eatign tons and tons of fish recently LOL... its not bad jsut funny... its not even on purpose!

Food Today:
Breakfast: Egg and cheese
Snack: My Grandma's Homemade Gefilte Fish (she sent it up with my mom on Thursday) and some Kashi TLC crackers
Lunch: Turkey and mozzarella on 15 grain bread (its such good yummy bread)
Dinner: Almond crusted salmon over spinach with some mushroom filled ravioli (I didn't really eat any of the ravioli)

I hope everyone's weekend Rocks like crazy:rotflmao:

Lots of Love and Hugs
~Jenna

 
Boam46 said:
Hey Everyone!!!

Thanks soo much for your support... I know I havn't been my usual witty and as supportive self... i feel bad. I'm really trying. I'm trying to get exercise in and deal with everything. Tomorrow I have tos pend the whole day finishing up my directed study project that soo should have been done weeks ago:rotflmao: Of course... then things should get back on track... the end of a semester cna really screw with plans ...dammitt!!!

Well it'll all be fine except for my emotions and stuff but it will be fine. I have been eatign tons and tons of fish recently LOL... its not bad jsut funny... its not even on purpose!

Food Today:
Breakfast: Egg and cheese
Snack: My Grandma's Homemade Gefilte Fish (she sent it up with my mom on Thursday) and some Kashi TLC crackers
Lunch: Turkey and mozzarella on 15 grain bread (its such good yummy bread)
Dinner: Almond crusted salmon over spinach with some mushroom filled ravioli (I didn't really eat any of the ravioli)

I hope everyone's weekend Rocks like crazy:rotflmao:

Lots of Love and Hugs
~Jenna
Click to expand...

Hmmm...there was something really fishy about your post. :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

Your food today sounded really yummy--especially your dinner. God i love ravioli..:jump: You would think I'm Italian the way I love pasta (but not a drop of Italian in me:mad: )

Good luck with your project tomorrow--you procrastinator, you!:rotflmao:
 
Originally Posted by Boam46
Hey Everyone!!!

Thanks soo much for your support... I know I havn't been my usual witty and as supportive self... i feel bad. I'm really trying. I'm trying to get exercise in and deal with everything. Tomorrow I have tos pend the whole day finishing up my directed study project that soo should have been done weeks ago Of course... then things should get back on track... the end of a semester cna really screw with plans ...dammitt!!!

Well it'll all be fine except for my emotions and stuff but it will be fine. I have been eatign tons and tons of fish recently LOL... its not bad jsut funny... its not even on purpose!

Food Today:
Breakfast: Egg and cheese
Snack: My Grandma's Homemade Gefilte Fish (she sent it up with my mom on Thursday) and some Kashi TLC crackers
Lunch: Turkey and mozzarella on 15 grain bread (its such good yummy bread)
Dinner: Almond crusted salmon over spinach with some mushroom filled ravioli (I didn't really eat any of the ravioli)

I hope everyone's weekend Rocks like crazy

Lots of Love and Hugs
~Jenna
Click to expand...


I understand the fact that you've been really busy! Just take you time and focus on school.
I wouldnt want you to neglect your work because of us. You need good marks if youre gonna
be a hot lawyer! haha :) Its really good that you've been eating well despite being so busy all
the time, awesome job :] Youre losing so much weight, Im jealous, hehe! :hug2:


xo
 
Awww, honey... I'm sorry you've been out of whack as of late, but I know once things calm down you'll be back to your "pessimistic self." HA! Good luck with finishing up the remainder of your project, girl. Woott... graduation's right around the corner. We're all so proud of you, chica! :hug2:

-Sheryl

PS.. kimberly if you need a bit of Italian in you, you can borrown Vincenzo. LMAO! Love you girls....
 
y'know... I can't stand fish but your dinner sounded reallyyyyyy good!

Hope you're doing well on the emotional front dear.
xoxo
 
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