Concerned

[JTL]

Hello there.

I recently started dating a woman about two weeks ago. She is a "plus sized" girl who tells me she used to be about 150 lbs heavier a year ago.

My concern is she may have a eating disorder. She tells me that she only eats 800 calories a day. She claims that if she eats more than that she gets "sick." So has a poor sleep schedule.. staying up to 2 to 4 AM and waking up at 7 AM daily. She says when she gets "sick" from to much calories so sleeps the sickness off, basicly getting a normal night of sleep (8 hours). She perceives this as a bad thing..

Typing that out and getting it on screen makes me even more worried

She has been dieting like this for over a year and she says the sleep schedule is a result of her college days and she hasnt strayed away from it.

So, my question is, I just met this woman 2 weeks ago. I like her, we have a lot in common and seem to get a long. However she has a BA in Physcology which means she should KNOW this stuff is not good for her. She is intellegent but has convinced herself to many calories makes her sick. So should I try to help her come to see this or should I leave the relationship as I am dealing with someone who may not respond well to someone she just met telling her she needs help.

--JT

 

[Jesca]

Honestly whether you decide to stay or go is up to you. How invested are you in the relationship? Are you looking to make things more serious? Is this situation a deal breaker? Meaning if there is a problem and she is willing to accept help, can you be supportive even on days that she's doing herself harm? Also, are you willing to stay with her if she feels she doesn't have a problem and keeps up her current lifestyle? Can you be in it for the long haul in that sort of situation?

If you care about this girl (and I'm sure you do) I don't know how you can keep quiet about her current lifestyle...but there is definitely a chance that she won't like hearing what you have to say about her weight. No matter how many facts you present her with, how tactful you are, or how much sense you make. As it is she's already lost 150lbs, so to her, if it ain't broke don't fix it. It's really hard to look at yourself.

As you know this is a long slow process, and it can be hard to have patience w/ people who just don't seem to get it. It's like someone is looking for something in a dark room w/ a flash light when all they have to do is flip the light switch. It seems so obvious. All you can do is present what you have said her to her in a tactful and caring manner, maybe suggest a doctor or counseling, and then the ball is in her court. It's from there I guess you should make the decision on whether to stay or go.

 

[wallaby1]

I’m not sure I understand the sleep thing. Personally, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten 8 hours of sleep in my life. I’ve been an insomniac since I was a kid, and work/college schedules just exacerbated the situation. I average about 4 -5 hours of sleep a night. Is it healthy or ideal? Probably not, but that’s what my body’s always been used to, so I function perfectly fine with that amount. It’s not as unusual as you’d think.

There’s also the possibility that she’s had bariatric surgery or has a medical condition. I’ve known a few people who had various weight loss surgeries and some of them had a very hard time eating a “normal” food intake without feeling sick. One of them had lap band complications that made it impossible for her to eat a healthy calorie amount. It’s all speculation on my part and, on the surface, her diet and understanding about calories seems to be lacking. Since you’ve only known each other for 2 weeks, there may be other factors at play that she doesn’t yet feel comfortable telling you about. You could make the suggestion that she sees a doctor, by asking her if she’s ever seen a doctor about the extra calories making her sick.

As far as leaving her over this, that would have to be up to you. If you really like her, and this is the only thing bothering you, I would recommend getting to know her a little better before making that decision.

 

[JTL]

Good suggestions by both. I also asked a few people at work for advice.

I am not the type to bail on someone over something minor. It's just my perception of something like this is that it is not minor. Major health issues can result over long periods.

On a personal aspect I think she is a great person. I just wanted a bit of feedback on when and if I should say something. I happen to be dieting as well but I stick to around 2000 calories a day. I've bridged diet discussions into her situation but she is not very expansive in her explanations.

So far both of you have leaned towards being understanding of the issue if I like/care for her. Both people at work made it sound like I should run for the hills ASAP. I plan on going down the middle.. continue seeing her but avoid "investing" a lot into the relationship (like Jesica alludes to) until I know more about her as a person.

I am a little bit of a psychology buff myself so it interests me. I'd hate to leave a situation where I could possibly help someone even if it doesnt work out relationship wise.

--JT

 

[maleficent]

you cannot help someone who deosn't want to be helped and you can't save someone who's not asking to be saved...

Shes a person - not a psyschology hobby

How'd she go about her weight loss? there's a few people who do go about it using a very low calorie method then fear eating more so they'll gain the weight back...

What she claims and what she does are possibly two different things - two weeks doesn't really make a good judge of her habits... when you go out to eat -what does she eat?

I don't think I've gotten more than 4 hours of sleep a night in the past 25 years -so that doesn't concern me - a lot of people don't get it -but it's what I know...

 

[JTL]

The sleep thing was just odd to me. Obviously not unheard of however

I've gone out to eat with her twice. Once to quiznos where she ate half of a flatbread sandwhich and threw the other half away. Other time was pizza.. She ate one slice and nothing else. I have yet to see her eat anythig for Breakfast (before noon).

She has stuck to this very low cal method for a long time from what I am told.
I can tell she is very strong willed and have no doubt she sticks very close to the amount she says. Not enough time to gage like you said.

 

[maleficent]

ve gone out to eat with her twice. Once to quiznos where she ate half of a flatbread sandwhich and threw the other half away. Other time was pizza.. She ate one slice and nothing else. I have yet to see her eat anythig for Breakfast (before noon)

that could also be fairly typical young female behavior - don't eat a lot in front of a cute boy... or it could be what she'd trained herself to do...

Does she exercise at all?

It doesn't sound like she has an eating disorder - just some really bad nutrition habits... which are going to be tough for her to change -until she wants them to - what she's been doing has been working for her...

 

[ChristyP]

You say she's "Plus sized"... I wouldn't worry about her until she starts looking like she just made it out of a Nazi concentration camp. You've only known her for 2 weeks. I think it's sweet that you are concerned about her though.

 

[ChefChiTown]

Hello there.

I recently started dating a woman about two weeks ago. She is a "plus sized" girl who tells me she used to be about 150 lbs heavier a year ago.

My concern is she may have a eating disorder. She tells me that she only eats 800 calories a day. She claims that if she eats more than that she gets "sick." So has a poor sleep schedule.. staying up to 2 to 4 AM and waking up at 7 AM daily. She says when she gets "sick" from to much calories so sleeps the sickness off, basicly getting a normal night of sleep (8 hours). She perceives this as a bad thing..

Typing that out and getting it on screen makes me even more worried

She has been dieting like this for over a year and she says the sleep schedule is a result of her college days and she hasnt strayed away from it.

So, my question is, (1)I just met this woman 2 weeks ago. I like her, we have a lot in common and seem to get a long. However (2)she has a BA in Physcology which means she should KNOW this stuff is not good for her. She is intellegent but has convinced herself to many calories makes her sick. So should I try to help her come to see this or should I leave the relationship as I am dealing with someone who may not respond well to someone she just met telling her she needs help.

--JT

1) You've been dating for 2 weeks. You're not in some long-term, committed relationship, so now would be the time to work through any concerns you have, especially if it involves her health. I'm not all too familiar with the symptoms of different eating disorders, but only getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night isn't healthy on it's own. I would have a serious talk with her about it, making sure that you are expressing genuine concern for her health.

2) No offense to anybody who has ties to Psychology as a career, but Psychologists (IMO) aren't as smart as they would like to think they are. Psychology is nothing more than glorified common sense. The funny thing is, Psychologists are some of the most denial-friendly people I have ever met. They have no problem telling you a hundred different things that are wrong with you, but they choose to completely deny that anything can be wrong with them. She might be smart, but don't think that her BA in Psychology should give her some sort of advantage. Once again, be sure to talk to her about all of this.