I’m taking a break at work to write in my diary because I feel I’ve completely lost touch. I can report behaving MUCH better for the last four days. Labor Day was a “bad baby” day but since then I’ve been extremely focused. I drag myself out of bed for 20 minutes on the treadmill, walk 45 mins during lunch, and walk an hour at night, if I don’t have to work late. My calories are low and I’m cutting a lot of carbs. That sounds generalized I know but that’s my goal for now. Carbs are a booger-bear for me, so that is where I am trimming first, in a big way. Not Atkins or anything, but no booze, no bread, no pasta for now. In this way I hope to jump start and make up for the pounds I gained back in the last three insanely stressful weeks. I was so angry at myself for gaining some back, but it’s all good in the long run if it comes off by New Year’s Eve right, lol? I also counted down that it is 9 weeks till my 45th birthday and, if I stay on this track, I’ll see major progress by then. I’ll have a better idea of where I will be in November once I see how my body responds to this regimen.
As I said, it is only Day Four and I am TIRED. Granted, I did have to work until 8pm two nights this week, and I’m getting up earlier to walk. This coupled with fewer calories makes it hard, but I realized if I waited until things were calm in my life again I’d NEVER do this and so . . . here I go... Finnagenbeginagain. Our secretary is still not back, probably won’t be for another month, we are about to start our Fall season, nine months of touring shows started today, and I’m directing a short play in which the guys have opposing schedules, arg. And with all that, what I’m finding is this: Is it any wonder I gained 30 pounds since I started working here? I mean, gosh, even going for a 15 min walk takes coordination with other people, and I’ve never been around such eating-focused folk in my life, lol. The general stress doesn’t help either, even though it is often fun stress. I was used to having a job AND a life before. Now the job dictates everything else, and that is hard for me to adjust to, even after all this time. Sometimes I wish speed was legal, lol. I mean, honestly! How do folks find the energy to be active AND devote 11.5 hours a day to their jobs? The one thing I can say is, while the exercise does not create more energy (at least not yet, sigh) it does help me sleep, or at least fall asleep. I still wake up at odd hours. Sigh.
It’s hard for a social person like me, too. I have to immerse myself in a strict routine for at least a month to see real results and inevitably there is one temptation after another, a road block followed by a pitfall. People don’t understand, and they don’t seem to have faith since, yes, I am so easily tempted. Some days I just wanna say “It’s nunya what I am eating, or not eating.” I want to be able to walk without explaining why or where I am going. I don’t want to TALK about this. I’m not one of those team dieters, lol. It’s a private, difficult process for me, but I genuinely feel great about myself when I get tunnel vision, even hermit away, and just DO IT. I’ve done it before and had success. I can do this, even though my life circumstances are vastly different. I mean, gosh, I’m in my prime. I don’t want this poochy belly and fat ass in my mid-forties. I’m SO lucky to have my health. Why am I throwing my looks away like this? Something has to stop, and if I have to be fanatical awhile I will be.
Does it sound like I am ready? Damn, I hope so!
So my first mini-goal is my birthday. I have a fantastical target and a realistic one. I’ll be happy to reach either! My friend Bill is coming to visit again and we’ll go out to my favorite bar and I’ll have my first cold beer in ages, lol. And here’s another fantasy . . . I’m thinking, as a reward if I make great progress, to invite my crush to join us. This is a guy I met in May and he’s totally wrong for me in the long run, but fascinating and exciting for the short term. He’s a friend of a new friend I rarely see, cause I don’t go out in this town much. I don’t even know his last name, but I can tell from his MySpace that he’s intensely social, and a bit wild. Maybe if I invite my friend to play music this guy will come along, too (he plays drums.) Or, maybe I’ll chicken out, lol. But I’m using it as another impetus. It’s a sensual goal to go with my physical goal and the creative goal of directing this show. And with my friend Bill there I won’t be tempted to do anything I’ll regret, lol. But a birthday kiss would be okay. Wheeeee!
Well, back to work I go. Hope everyone is enjoying mucho success. I’ll try to be more diligent with my diary but alas, work is cah-wazy and I’m too dang tired to get online at night.
Best . . .
Colleen
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