Colleen's Weighty Musings

Hah, Olso! I used to love that song until they ran it in the ground. It's still a very sweet song, though, and I so relate! Thanks for the kind comments. I was hamming it up in my default picture and don't go around vamping like that, but I do smile most of the time, like my mother used to. I know if I can get this weight off I'm gonna see some real changes in my life. In a way I feel resentful, though, as if why should a guy like me more thin than now? I’m the same person, after all. Then I realize it’s my self esteem that in turn attracts the loser type guys, so if I feel good about myself then a good guy will come. Right? Please say it’s so, lol. Sunday my Ex Husband came by (I rent a house from him so we see each other a few times a month when he has to fix some things) and he told me, “Heck, why stop at 130, get down to 120 and you will rule the world!” But I know I can’t stay at 120 and I do not want to be miserable and deprived all my life. 135 is a nice doable weight. I’d like to see if I can make 125, but really, it will all depend on how I look. I’m out for quality of life ultimately.

Ah yes, Pheonyx. I’ve only dated maybe three musicians in my life, and one of those was more a buddy than a date. Randy just about ruined me for ALL of them, lol. I hear very little good of musicians (sorry if I offend any of them here, I don’t mean to generalize, just stating my experiences.) It’s like they are addicted to the idolization and nothing else matters. Randy’s music meant far more than I ever could, and that was hurtful because I believe love enhances the creative process. Actors, though not much better, seem to need more emotionally, while musicians are so caught up in their own ego they know if they just get that stage-fix, all will be well. One lover is no better, no worse than the next. That attitude really messed with my mind, and left me feeling pretty worthless. And the lifestyle, eesh! And I thought actors were vagabonds! It was disheartening because of all the arts, outside of my great love of theatre, I adore music and have a deep respect for those that can play any musical instrument. Not just rock and roll, ALL types of music. I wanted to learn about that process, but all I saw was a lot of work avoidance and weed smoking, lol. I’m sure there are exceptions, and hopefully I will meet and learn from them one day.

I took yesterday off and got a little bit done around the house. My best theatre pal visits the 15th so I am getting the guest bedroom, which I was using as lazy storage, lol, ready for company. I can’t wait to see him! I’m gonna try to work about half an hour a night so the visit doesn’t sneak up on me. I get so little time at home I have to plan carefully.

This weekend I was very good with food except Saturday. Had a huge Mexican meal, with margarita and beer. Then I went with my friend Joseph to watch a dvd of the remake of the television series, Dark Shadows, which was bad but the vampire, played by Ben Cross, was pretty hot and spooky. It was a great time and I went right back on my diet Sunday and Monday. This morning I was down to 173.5! That means I lost 3.5 pounds, yay! But I’ve been working pretty hard at this for two weeks now. Granted, I’m happy, even if progress is slow.

This week I have my nights free, and am going to try to do 30 mins on treadmill. Nothing radical, but it’s a start, yes? And next week I may get my ab roller back out. It helps a little. But most of all, I’m just keeping a good frame of mind, and taking it day by day. Feels good!

Best to everyone!

Colleen
 
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Hi Colleen,

Looks like you are doing well! I just read through your diary.

What do you do for work? What is the theatre you are involved in?

I did lot's of theatre in College and after, professionally for three years in CT and NYC. I did a bit of Acting and a lot of Tech, mostly Set Design, Master Carpenter and Stage Managing (when I had to). I went to the North Carolina School for the Arts for Scenic Design but changed my major to beerdrinking and debauchery and left...

After my divorce I got way (too) involved with a community group here in CT which was fun but took too much time so I stopped. I'm considering getting involved in a small way again if I can find a group to work with.

David
 
You should get back involved! My best theatre pal that I mentioned just moved from SC (where he helped found a children's theatre) to Nashville, well Mufreesboro, to be exact. He is in the process of divorce (for over a year now) and was feeling very down, so he looked up their Comm Theatre and within days was working concessions and going to their pot luck dinners. He is a great actor, but loves working tech, too, anything to be involved.

I work at a college in Birmingham, AL. The biggest in the state, and we do really good work. We went to Kennedy Center last year! I do mostly administrative work here (it's where the money is, sigh) but I had a medium sized role at a community theatre in town this past December. Used to do two or three shows a year before this job and commute wore me down, lol.

I LOVE that you do theatre! That's so awesome.

Colleen
 
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Oh, and David, Beer drinking and Debauchery were my minors in college. They were definitely useful degrees cause I've used them a lot since, lol!
 
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The community college I went to before going to Art school had a good theater department. I ended up taking a stage makeup class, then did makeup for one of the productions. Good times.

If you want something to work your abs better than any ab roller, try belly dancing. One of the best core workouts out there, IMO, low impact, but really teaches you body awareness. Michelle Joyce has one called "Body by Belly Dance" that's just fantastic (as well as several others). I just don't do the floor work because it plays hell on my knees.
 
LuckyColleen said:
I LOVE that you do theatre! That's so awesome.
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I really enjoy it! But it's been 5 years now. Mostly I designed sets and sometimes lights. I acted in High School and in Community Theatre but it really isn't my thing. I did alright though.

My problem is that I get too involved and it starts to consume time that I just don't have. I'd love to spend a evening a week swinging a hammer or painting, but once the community groups find out that you have skills the phone starts ringing...

But I do have to get out more, that's a fact.

David
 
LuckyColleen said:
It was a great time and I went right back on my diet Sunday and Monday. This morning I was down to 173.5! That means I lost 3.5 pounds, yay! But I’ve been working pretty hard at this for two weeks now. Granted, I’m happy, even if progress is slow.
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That's awesome! It feels great to see the scale go down right? :coolgleamA:
I'm glad to hear things have been going well for you! Talk to you soon!

V
 
Same ol, same ol . . .

Morning, morning, morning everyone!

Today is my busy, no-privacy day so can’t write much. I’m still holding on the weight. 173.5, sigh. My body likes to take it real slow so I don’t miss anything, lol.

Been very good on my calories this week, so I feel okay with my Mexican lunch today. I’ll eat very light tonite. Tomorrow, ugh, I want to take my summer student assistant to lunch (it’s his last day, wah) and he chose The Cheesecake Factory. Yikes. I’m sure they have good salads, but I’ll be so tempted to get a dessert, and I’m not normally a sweet eater. Maybe if I do some extra on the treadmill this weekend I won’t feel so horrid about it.

Thanks Phoenyx for the tip! My friend at work was wanting to take a local belly dance class last year, but I really hate any form of group exercise. I feel captive. But maybe I’ll look into a dvd once I get this initial layer of flab off my tum-tum. Alas, I have several workout dvds with the plastic wrapping still on. I’m so bad. Walking is about the only thing I like.

In less than three weeks the students will be here. I’m almost looking forward to it, lol! I’m debating whether I want to direct for our short play fest. There are 8 shows and I usually take one on. But I’m really enjoying my regimen and time at home. Hmmmm. Well, I’ll read the plays and see if anything jumps at me.

That’s about it for today. Life is blissfully dull at present. Just wish I could chill at home!

Colleen
 
If you weren't against the class I'd recommend it, just to have some basic instruction on the moves. I found it helpful. Still, if you want recommendations for dvds, let me know. I have a fair amount of them in the rotation.

And congratulations on the 3.5 down!!! :biggrinjester:
 
LuckyColleen said:
In less than three weeks the students will be here. I’m almost looking forward to it, lol! I’m debating whether I want to direct for our short play fest. There are 8 shows and I usually take one on. But I’m really enjoying my regimen and time at home. Hmmmm. Well, I’ll read the plays and see if anything jumps at me.

That’s about it for today. Life is blissfully dull at present. Just wish I could chill at home!

Colleen
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Looking forward to the students coming? That's crazy talk! :D It's look like you work awfully hard, which is admirable. Here's to hoping you get to chill at home soon! :cheers2: Take care.

V
 
Wearing The Big "L" On My Forehead Today

Ugh. Crap weekend as far as diet goes. Very carby lunch on Friday (but left more than half the fries) and tacos for dinner, and margaritas. Saturday I did well with just tuna for lunch but got a cheeseburger and fries for dinner and had three light beers. Sunday a big salad and some cheese and crackers later but, ugh, I drank the other three beers early afternoon AND two glasses of red wine before bed. Not binging, not getting tipsy, but certainly filling up on empty calories. At least I was working around the house and moving around a lot. Still no excuse . . .

I had promised myself I'd be good so I'd deserve some freedom when my friend comes to visit the 15th. I was feeling restless all weekend, with crampy, borderline-weepy PMS. At dusk I sat on the deck and gave myself a good, tearful talkin-to. I feel a little better today. Waiting for my 10am yogurt so I can take some Midol. If I do it now on an empty tummy I will get very nauseated. Then I'll walk for half an hour. One things for sure, I won't weigh today. I'm angry at myself enough!

On a good note I only work four days this week, then get a four day weekend. My last vacation time before school starts. This will give me time to finish the house before Bill's visit. I have about ten small boxes of yard sale stuff packed up, and I have not even opened the attic yet. Eesh! Once this visit is over I'm gonna dive in.

My waistband is tight. I'm crampy. I'm doomsday. Midol take me away!

:willy_nilly:
 
Ah, don't be angry... you're human. But when TOM comes to visit, that's not the time to weigh yourself anyway.

Midol's great for cramps, etc. but I like to use some of the herbal things I pick up from my local health food store too. Evening Primrose Oil for one. That stuff's awesome. And Nature's Way has a PMS formula that I've found helpful.

Hang in there!
 
Natures Way huh? I work just a few blocks from a health food store. Maybe I can get some o' dat this week.

I think weighing myself Saturday was part of the problem. I just HAD to see what damage I had done Friday and bam I was up like 3 pounds. Now I know there is no way I ate over 10,000 extra calories to gain 3 pounds but I gave up all rationale and had a pity party. And even with the bloat I can see and feel that I have not undone anything. I just lost faith for a bit. I'm sitting here now with my Dannon Light & Fit and all is well again. I won't weight again until the weekend.

The real test is getting through my four day weekend without beer. I HATE housework and a little alcohol sure makes it easier, hee hee.

Thanks for the props. I'll be fine. At least I'm wise enough to know why I am feeling this way. Ah womanhood!
 
I can see we've had similar weekends. lol I hope you're day gets better!

We can do this! We can do this! :)

V
 
Misery loves company, lol!

My day is fine. I feel like a hot air balloon but well, ya just can't imagine "V". Be glad you can't!

I walked for half hour, then took the long way to the library for another 15. Large salad and lots of water. Going to eat VERY light tonight, mainly cause my tummmy aches.

My main concern is being good THIS weekend, when I need to be cleaning house. I have something cute I want to wear on the 15th and if I mess up this weekend no way that outfit is gonna happen. Wah.

Hope you are well!
 
Uuuuuuuuuuuungh.

I could sleep 20 hours I swear. My TOM is so predictably horrid. I have a burst of energy (Sunday when I cleaned house) then a couple crampy nights of insomnia, then suddenly BAM! I turn into a zombie. Last night I came home with the idea of finishing the guest room closet. I have stuff strewn everywhere and needed to clear the rest of the shelves, vacuum, then put the storage containers back in neatly. Half hour job, tops.

Well, I made the mistake of starting a new biography I'd picked up at the campus library yesterday. I love biographies, especially when I find someone new to read about next time around. I just finished a long, dense biography of the French writer/actress Colette and got interested in an expatriate poet named Natalie Barney, who had quite the wild life in turn of the century Paris, had many affairs with women, and is considered an early feminist writer. She apparently so broke the heart of fellow poet Renee Vivien that Vivien later wasted away from Anorexia (though it was not called that in the early 1900s.) So, anyhoo Renee Vivien's executor had her papers sealed for 90 years after her death, out of protection for her reputation, and they became public in 2000. This bio I'm reading is from 2002 and crackles with wit, scandal, and historical flavor. I couldn't put it down, not even to watch A & E's bio of Cate Blanchett (and I adore her!)

When I finally turned off the light I fell into such a quick and deep sleep that I awoke at 3am disoriented and with a crick in my neck. I rarely ever sleep five hours straight, complete insomniac that I am. Took me about an hour to go back to sleep and then at 6 am I started hitting that snooze. I got to work in time but I'm sitting here feeling like my head weighs a hundred pounds.

I had only gained two pounds this morning, and I'm hoping once my actual TOM gets here that will correct itself. It's pretty quiet at work. I have a few things I need to get done before taking my vacation time this weekend. Then next week we start preparing for the student invasion. Always an exciting time, though. Auditions, meetings, new faces. I have to decide in the next couple days if I want to direct for the short play fest. Read the plays yesterday and there is one I like, but if it is already spoken for I may just skip this year. I'm trying not to decide that right now, though, as I'm always kind of doom and gloom this TOM. Bleeeeeech.

Hope everyone has a great Tuesday!

Colleen
 
Hi Colleen, I hate it when I can't sleep. But I think it's because of my own doings and stresses that I bring on to myself. I couldn't imagine going through what you're going through, the sleeping and the TOM. You're a real trooper though and you inspire me to work harder. :)

I have the same problem as you when it comes to books, but for me it's music. Whether it's alternative, hip hop, country, etc.. Or mainstream, underground, or local music, I don't put it down until I finish. Which is often a little too late..

Good luck (you don't need it) with the exercising and the things that will be happening soon at school. Take care!

V
 
Pity Party

Hello all!

I’m waiting for my work study to get here so I can return about 15 phone calls from when I was off Fri and Mon. Every time I try to take care of my own business the general line rings. Arg. The secretary is out on vacation today, but I just got a call that her mother is very ill so she is now out from work indefinitely. She takes care of all the registration stuff for the students. This is the week before school starts so it’s gonna be crazy without her. I work with productions and tours, not classes. We are booking all over the state so my phone is constantly ringing. Eeek!

Bill gets here Friday afternoon and my house is nowhere near ready. I think I can finish the upstairs tonight and the downstairs tomorrow. I dilly-dallied around this weekend, matting pictures and hanging them, organizing instead of cleaning, so I am way behind. Once he gets here it will be really fun, though.

I was terrible with diet. Didn’t overeat, just ate bad things . . . with beer, lol. Again nothing to excess like when I was depressed, but enough to make me feel like I just can’t get with the program. I don’t feel heavier today, but I didn’t weigh. I didn’t want to start my week off in a funk. Today it is pouring rain so no walking at break. I just feel so “whatever” about everything. While matting pictures I found some from a trip I took to New Orleans about 5 years ago. I was probably in the high 140’s and thought I was soooo fat. Damn looking at those pics I looked so much better than I do now. It made me feel so out of control, like I just don’t care anymore, like I’ve given up. I don’t want to accept the fact that I am over 30 pounds heavier. I ignore it and hope it will go away, but I know better.

I want to visit Bill in Nashville over Labor Day weekend, but it depresses me that I will still be in these damn baby doll dresses and not into my jeans by then. There is just no way. I mean I’m still pretty in the face and all (geesh, isn’t that what people always say about chubby chicks, to throw them a bone?) I just can’t get my head around the fact that I am so big! And I know 173 isn’t gargantuan, but for my frame, for what I maintained for almost 40 years, it is just too much. I was graced with some beauty and a lot of talent and personality for days, and yet I throw it all away with my addiction to food and beer. I don’t even drink to get drunk, hell I hate hangovers too much to do that. I think when I get home, and the loneliness sets in, I just wanna comfort myself with tacos and beer. Get numb, zone out.

Still, I’m nowhere near as bad as I was last year. I feel so much more hopeful and my house is slowly getting organized. Just days like today I feel pretty overwhelmed and irked at myself. I mean, it’s just food. It’s just exercise. Just a little time and sweat. Why can’t I love myself enough to stick with this? I am a smart gal, why can’t I rationalize myself out of that nasty cheeseburger that will only sabotage my already wimpy efforts? Why do my bad days (weekends) stall me so badly that my valiant weekday efforts end up showing no progress at all? Metabolism is a bitch.

Sorry. Ya’ll got an engraved invitation to my pity party today. I’m gonna muddle through now. Return these messages and try to enjoy one last quiet day before all hell breaks loose. That said, if I’m not around much it’s cause we are swamped around here. I’m not gonna have much weight loss to report anyway, not until I recover from Bill’s visit, and Labor Day, cause I’m sure I’ll eat bad. Maybe if I can just hold back the gain…Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Colleen
 
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