ChefChiTown's Rebirth: I'm Back, BABY!!! (In More Ways Than One)...
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jen_renee
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While you're on the toilet? Nah... I'm good.Probably. Hey, wanna fool around?
ChefChiTown
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While you're on the toilet? Nah... I'm good.
No, not while I'm ON the toilet. Like, riiiight after I'm done though.
ChefChiTown
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ChefChiTown
New member
Ok, so here's some truth...
I have been pretty off-track for the past couple of weeks. First, I was dealing with Jen's surgery and cancer scare which was fucking horrifying. Did my diet matter at that point? No. Not at all. I had bigger and better things to worry about. You know, like my wife possibly having cancer and all the shit that comes with that. So, yeah. Anyway, that passed and my mind ended up getting back to a good place. It honestly did. But, not for long.
Honestly? I'm turning 35 in a couple of weeks and it's scaring the shit out of me. Why? Well, MANY reasons.
1) Society. I'm almost "half way" between 30 and 40 years old which, according to society, sucks a fat cock.
2) My career is nowhere near where I want it to be and, at my age, its scary to think about 'moving on' to something new
3) I'm not a kid anymore. Everything I want to do in my life requires work. A LOT of work. Losing weight, making money, EVERYTHING.
4) I'm a father of two beautiful kids but I want to father another one. Am I capable of doing that at this age?
5) I haven't accomplished SHIT in my life. No offense to my wife, kids and amazing family, but I haven't done SHIT with my fucking life.
Look, the bottom line is this...
I have a good life. I have an amazing wife, two beautiful kids, a decent job (just because I hate it doesn't mean it's not alright) and, for the most part, I am happy. How could I complain, right? Weeeeell...
I have never, EVER, finished something I've started and that makes me feel like a complete failure. A fucking failure. I always wanted to play professional baseball so, when I was younger, I busted my ass and did everything I could to get good at the game - and, I did - professional scouts came to watch me play, I got connections with MLB teams, got a college scholarship offer to the school of my dreams, attended pro camps aaaaaand NOTHING. I did NOTHING with it. I quit. I fucking quit. Why? Because, I tried to be a "grown up." I had dreams of being a catcher in the majors and I worked my ass off to get there, buuuuut I never finished.
The second thing I've always wanted to do? Write. Become an author. I started writing my first book yeeeeears ago. Is it done? Nope. I started writing a second and a third and a fourth and fifth book...are those done? Nope. I want to be a professional author super bad but have I finished anything I started? Nope.
Third thing I wanted? To be a chef. To own my restaurant. Now, technically I'm a chef but I make fucking bullshit food at my job. It's not what I want to do. I worked my ass off in culinary school and killed myself for three years in Chicago working for free, gaining experience and bettering myself as a chef just for the sake of my future (and my family's future) but where has it gotten me? Nowhere. Fucking nowhere. I started chasing that dream but never finished the race.
I never finish what I start. Not when it's a dream. I chase it but I never let myself catch it. Well, FUCK THAT.
I'm going to be 35 in a few weeks and, even though that's not old, it's not young either. I need to make this shit happen and I need to make it happen NOW. So, from this point on, I will be killing myself in order to finish my writing and start my career as a professional author. Baseball is not a realistic option, neither is owning my own restaurant (not now, anyway), so writing is what I'm focusing on - I love writing and I'm damned good at it, so it will work - as long as I FINISH what I start. So, from this point on I am a writer. My job as a chef is just a job for now. Something to make money. My heart is in my writing. It's also in my health.
Ironic. But, I'm typing this as I'm sipping my 8th or 9th beer of the evening. For the second or third evening this week. I'm not acting healthy and I"m certainly not consuming what a healthy person should consume but that shit ends tonight. I said in an earlier post that there was something inside me that needed this...and I did. I needed it to make me realize what a fuck up I've been up until this point. People always told me when I was younger that I had a lot of potential. Well, I never put that potential to use. Not anymore.
Yes, my kids love me. But, nothing I've done up until now will leave any sort of legacy behind. I am going to change that. My kids are going to see their father bust his ass to chase his dream of becoming an author. And, they will see him succeed. And, they will see that hard work, perseverance and determination have their rewards. Because, I will become an author if it's the last thing I do. And, my children will look up to me for what I accomplish. They will forever respect me for being a man who chased his dream and caught it. They will also forever respect me for being a fat, lazy fuck-up who changed his ways and became a fit, healthy man who inspired others to lose weight and better themselves. Because, that is exactly what I'm going to do.
There is a new show called "This Is Us" and, for those of you who haven't seen it already, it is absolutely amazing. There has only been a few episodes of the show but I am already emotionally invested in it and its characters. During the last episode it dealt with the father battling his weakness for drinking and how it affected his family. His kids. His wife. His hard-working, amazing wife. During that episode the father ended up deciding that he was going to give up drinking. His reason? Because, he knew it was what he had to do. He knew it was what he had to do to be the man that he promised his wife he would be. His short speech that he gave really hit home for me. That speech was as follows...
(For reference, his wife gave him a talking-to earlier in the episode where she was comparing the quality of their parenting by giving them each a number on a scale from 1 to 10. When he mentions "I'm going to be an 11 for you" it is that earlier conversation to which he is referring)
"You know, when I was a little boy I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Adults always ask little kids that. You know, I never had a good answer. Not until, not until I was 28. Till the day that I met you. That's when I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be the man that made you happy."
"You make me happy." (his wife)
"Not always. Not lately. From here on out I'm going to be an 11 for you, baby. No, screw that, I'm going to be a 12 for you from here out. I'll be an 11 for the kids. YOU get a 12."
My wife and kids are going to get a 12 from now on. My writing is something I want to finish almost more than anything. Almost. What means more to me? Leaving my legacy as a fucking awesome husband and father. I want to finish THAT more than anything.
Time to be a 12.
I have been pretty off-track for the past couple of weeks. First, I was dealing with Jen's surgery and cancer scare which was fucking horrifying. Did my diet matter at that point? No. Not at all. I had bigger and better things to worry about. You know, like my wife possibly having cancer and all the shit that comes with that. So, yeah. Anyway, that passed and my mind ended up getting back to a good place. It honestly did. But, not for long.
Honestly? I'm turning 35 in a couple of weeks and it's scaring the shit out of me. Why? Well, MANY reasons.
1) Society. I'm almost "half way" between 30 and 40 years old which, according to society, sucks a fat cock.
2) My career is nowhere near where I want it to be and, at my age, its scary to think about 'moving on' to something new
3) I'm not a kid anymore. Everything I want to do in my life requires work. A LOT of work. Losing weight, making money, EVERYTHING.
4) I'm a father of two beautiful kids but I want to father another one. Am I capable of doing that at this age?
5) I haven't accomplished SHIT in my life. No offense to my wife, kids and amazing family, but I haven't done SHIT with my fucking life.
Look, the bottom line is this...
I have a good life. I have an amazing wife, two beautiful kids, a decent job (just because I hate it doesn't mean it's not alright) and, for the most part, I am happy. How could I complain, right? Weeeeell...
I have never, EVER, finished something I've started and that makes me feel like a complete failure. A fucking failure. I always wanted to play professional baseball so, when I was younger, I busted my ass and did everything I could to get good at the game - and, I did - professional scouts came to watch me play, I got connections with MLB teams, got a college scholarship offer to the school of my dreams, attended pro camps aaaaaand NOTHING. I did NOTHING with it. I quit. I fucking quit. Why? Because, I tried to be a "grown up." I had dreams of being a catcher in the majors and I worked my ass off to get there, buuuuut I never finished.
The second thing I've always wanted to do? Write. Become an author. I started writing my first book yeeeeears ago. Is it done? Nope. I started writing a second and a third and a fourth and fifth book...are those done? Nope. I want to be a professional author super bad but have I finished anything I started? Nope.
Third thing I wanted? To be a chef. To own my restaurant. Now, technically I'm a chef but I make fucking bullshit food at my job. It's not what I want to do. I worked my ass off in culinary school and killed myself for three years in Chicago working for free, gaining experience and bettering myself as a chef just for the sake of my future (and my family's future) but where has it gotten me? Nowhere. Fucking nowhere. I started chasing that dream but never finished the race.
I never finish what I start. Not when it's a dream. I chase it but I never let myself catch it. Well, FUCK THAT.
I'm going to be 35 in a few weeks and, even though that's not old, it's not young either. I need to make this shit happen and I need to make it happen NOW. So, from this point on, I will be killing myself in order to finish my writing and start my career as a professional author. Baseball is not a realistic option, neither is owning my own restaurant (not now, anyway), so writing is what I'm focusing on - I love writing and I'm damned good at it, so it will work - as long as I FINISH what I start. So, from this point on I am a writer. My job as a chef is just a job for now. Something to make money. My heart is in my writing. It's also in my health.
Ironic. But, I'm typing this as I'm sipping my 8th or 9th beer of the evening. For the second or third evening this week. I'm not acting healthy and I"m certainly not consuming what a healthy person should consume but that shit ends tonight. I said in an earlier post that there was something inside me that needed this...and I did. I needed it to make me realize what a fuck up I've been up until this point. People always told me when I was younger that I had a lot of potential. Well, I never put that potential to use. Not anymore.
Yes, my kids love me. But, nothing I've done up until now will leave any sort of legacy behind. I am going to change that. My kids are going to see their father bust his ass to chase his dream of becoming an author. And, they will see him succeed. And, they will see that hard work, perseverance and determination have their rewards. Because, I will become an author if it's the last thing I do. And, my children will look up to me for what I accomplish. They will forever respect me for being a man who chased his dream and caught it. They will also forever respect me for being a fat, lazy fuck-up who changed his ways and became a fit, healthy man who inspired others to lose weight and better themselves. Because, that is exactly what I'm going to do.
There is a new show called "This Is Us" and, for those of you who haven't seen it already, it is absolutely amazing. There has only been a few episodes of the show but I am already emotionally invested in it and its characters. During the last episode it dealt with the father battling his weakness for drinking and how it affected his family. His kids. His wife. His hard-working, amazing wife. During that episode the father ended up deciding that he was going to give up drinking. His reason? Because, he knew it was what he had to do. He knew it was what he had to do to be the man that he promised his wife he would be. His short speech that he gave really hit home for me. That speech was as follows...
(For reference, his wife gave him a talking-to earlier in the episode where she was comparing the quality of their parenting by giving them each a number on a scale from 1 to 10. When he mentions "I'm going to be an 11 for you" it is that earlier conversation to which he is referring)
"You know, when I was a little boy I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Adults always ask little kids that. You know, I never had a good answer. Not until, not until I was 28. Till the day that I met you. That's when I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be the man that made you happy."
"You make me happy." (his wife)
"Not always. Not lately. From here on out I'm going to be an 11 for you, baby. No, screw that, I'm going to be a 12 for you from here out. I'll be an 11 for the kids. YOU get a 12."
My wife and kids are going to get a 12 from now on. My writing is something I want to finish almost more than anything. Almost. What means more to me? Leaving my legacy as a fucking awesome husband and father. I want to finish THAT more than anything.
Time to be a 12.
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cowboy48
Well-known member
I know how you feel, Chef. I felt the exact same way when I was your age. I felt like my life and dreams were going no where. I was in a bullshit job too. I did it for 25 years. I also had a wife and 2 kids at your age. I was not looking after myself either- mentally or physically. It is funny how many similarities we had. What did I do? Okay so when I was 36 we had our third child. When I turned 37 I went back to school. I worked nights for 6 years so I could take my courses before I went to work. I did 1 or 2 courses a term. It took me 6 years to do a 2 year program but I did it. When I graduated I had to start at the bottom of the I.T. pay scale at 43 years old. I worked my ass off doing jobs for 1/2 of what I made at my old job. It sucked big time. But I did it. When I turned 49 I was 320 pounds and in a half decent paying job. That is when I decided that I wasn't going to be 50 and fat. So I started my journey. I gave myself a year. The day I turned 50 I ran my first 1/2 marathon at 175 pounds.
Why am I telling you all this? It is never too late, man!! You are not too old to do anything you want. I always tell my kids to follow what is in their heart. Follow their passion. I told them that if they do this- they will always find a job or a way to make a living. So I am telling you the same thing. Find the job that doesn't really feel like a job. Do what is inside your heart! Follow your dreams!
Why am I telling you all this? It is never too late, man!! You are not too old to do anything you want. I always tell my kids to follow what is in their heart. Follow their passion. I told them that if they do this- they will always find a job or a way to make a living. So I am telling you the same thing. Find the job that doesn't really feel like a job. Do what is inside your heart! Follow your dreams!
Little John
New member
Little John
New member
Please note that my previous jokey post was before reading your latest. And I know how you feel, I was 40 when my second was born, and it's tough being an old dad to kids who are, apparently, powered by nuclear reactors. And I know the "I'm XX years old, and I have nothing to show for it" feeling, all too well. I don't have the answer, but realize that you can't fix your past, only your future. Work on that novel, open a restaurant (or food truck, even), and your happiness will leak out to the rest of your family.
ChefChiTown
New member
Thanks, Cowboy. I needed that.
I'm just not where I want to be in my life - professionally. Or, financially. But, if I just stick to working on my writing I can resolve both of those issues. It might not happen right away, but better late than never.
I've always wanted to have a food truck. I've always felt that I could run a successful restaurant but a food truck is much more laid back and I think it's less of a risk to be more playful with food in a food truck rather than a restaurant.
The only thing I don't like about the idea of a food truck though? How I would be hot-boxing myself every time I farted.
If I'm a 12 in Jen's eyes then she needs a stronger prescription for her glasses.
ChefChiTown
New member
I went to the grocery store yesterday, and then again tonight, and bought some stuff to help me along with eating healthy. I got some eggs for breakfast, cottage cheese, some summer sausage, frozen vegetables and some other stuff. One of the things I bought was a small brick of Cracker Barrel Vermont Sharp White Cheddar cheese.
Dude. Seriously. It's good. It's good ass cheese. It's so good I'd eat it even if I dropped it on the floor. Got some hair on it. Maybe a couple pieces of kitty litter. That good.
Dude. Seriously. It's good. It's good ass cheese. It's so good I'd eat it even if I dropped it on the floor. Got some hair on it. Maybe a couple pieces of kitty litter. That good.
Mowens1984
New member
I didn't realize Cracker Barrel sold their cheese separately in stores though I suppose I should have considering they all have stores inside of them.
ChefChiTown
New member
I've been doing a little bit of thinking of how I can keep myself motivated while trying to lose weight, shed fat and build muscle, AKA - get in shape.
I think it might help if I focus on my image a little bit. Not just style or the clothes I wear (although I do have a lot of brand new clothes in the closet just waiting for me to lose weight), rather my actual body itself. I'm going to try and focus on paying attention to my body's physical appearance and use that as a motivator as I continue down this road.
The body of the guy in the middle - which is NOT me by the way (it's a picture from a show called Fit to Fat to Fit) - is the body I am aiming to have by the end of this year.
NOTE: Fit to Fat to Fit is a show where a personal trainer gains weight over the course of a few months so he/she can start to feel what it's like to be heavy and out of shape. That trainer then works with an overweight person and they try to lose weight together.
The picture on the left is of the trainer before he started the show. The picture in the middle is after he gained weight. The picture on the right is after he lost the weight and got back in shape.
Now, I feel kind of sad that my short-term goal here is to pretty much look like someone's BEFORE picture, before they even lost weight and got in shape, but hey...I have to be realistic. So, that's my goal. I want a flatter stomach, flatter chest and slimmer sides (smaller love handles). I do NOT want that guys weird abs though. They're so asymmetrical it bothers me.
I think it might help if I focus on my image a little bit. Not just style or the clothes I wear (although I do have a lot of brand new clothes in the closet just waiting for me to lose weight), rather my actual body itself. I'm going to try and focus on paying attention to my body's physical appearance and use that as a motivator as I continue down this road.
The body of the guy in the middle - which is NOT me by the way (it's a picture from a show called Fit to Fat to Fit) - is the body I am aiming to have by the end of this year.
NOTE: Fit to Fat to Fit is a show where a personal trainer gains weight over the course of a few months so he/she can start to feel what it's like to be heavy and out of shape. That trainer then works with an overweight person and they try to lose weight together.
The picture on the left is of the trainer before he started the show. The picture in the middle is after he gained weight. The picture on the right is after he lost the weight and got back in shape.
Now, I feel kind of sad that my short-term goal here is to pretty much look like someone's BEFORE picture, before they even lost weight and got in shape, but hey...I have to be realistic. So, that's my goal. I want a flatter stomach, flatter chest and slimmer sides (smaller love handles). I do NOT want that guys weird abs though. They're so asymmetrical it bothers me.
Mowens1984
New member
Haha. I was going to say the same. His abnormal abs are really disturbing looking. I'd personally rather have a few extra pounds on me than to be a weird shape.
cowboy48
Well-known member
I love that show. Amazing for some of the trainers that have never been overweight on how their attitudes change when they are overweight and trying to exercise again. Gives then a realization and some empathy towards us. That before picture is still a person in good shape. No shame in wanting to be a before if he looks like that-lol. He does have weird abs but I wish I could seen mine even if they were that weird.
Mowens1984
New member
This is the attitude I had to overcome from my boss who is a health nut. He'd try to get me to go walking with him and I'd get winded after 5 minutes (this was before I started doing this) and he just couldn't fathom why it was so difficult for me. I'd tell him, "For one, I'm carrying about 100lbs that you aren't. Strap a few boulders to your body and we'll see how long you can walk quickly."
Because of those experiences, I hold only myself accountable for what I do and I refuse to exercise with anyone.
cowboy48
Well-known member
You just have to find someone that is supportive to exercise with- if you want a partner. Health nuts don't get it because most of them have never had to deal with being heavy. They say things from ignorance. They just don't know. The Fit to Fat to Fit show gives the trainers a little taste of what we deal with all the time. Interesting to see the change in their attitudes after.
Cate
Long term member
I think that's a good idea chef. Personally, I much prefer the middle pic. I don't like this obsession with massively developed, accentuated muscles. Being fit & slim is great, but not that (in my opinion). I don't know many women who do find that look attractive.
I try to focus on how my clothes feel, rather than the scales if I can. Self-analysis is healthy, especially if it keeps you moving toward where you want to be.
I try to focus on how my clothes feel, rather than the scales if I can. Self-analysis is healthy, especially if it keeps you moving toward where you want to be.
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