ChefChiTown's Rebirth: I'm Back, BABY!!! (In More Ways Than One)...

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Well, the wife and I got A LOT accomplished this weekend.

Take down and put away Christmas decorations: CHECK
Dust and vacuum: CHECK
Sweep and mop: CHECK
Clean out and reorganize closet: CHECK
Get rid of clothes that no longer fit: CHECK
Laundry: CHECK
Hang up wall decorations in kids' rooms: CHECK

It's funny, but the second all of the Christmas decorations were gone and the house was cleaned up Jen and I both IMMEDIATELY got right back into the "fitness" mood. We're both on the same page when it comes to cleanliness and organization - it ALWAYS makes us feel better and ALWAYS puts us in positive mood. Clutter is one of our worst enemies so getting the house back to normal this weekend has made us a lot happier.

Other than working on the house, we've also gotten some other stuff accomplished today. Jen got her new art cart (for storage/display) all set up the other day and she's been sitting at her art desk for a while working on her...well...art. She's currently drawing a picture of The Rock which is turning out to be incredible. But, that's no surprise. Everything she creates is absolutely amazing. Art, the kids, chili (she hardly ever cooks because she says she doesn't like it, but she makes damn good chili).

Anyway, while she's been doing that I've been looking at some fitness/workout videos that I'm going to try and use. I'm trying to plan out my workouts (which I will start doing tomorrow). I figured out the other day that I CAN run on our treadmill. I tried it once before but our treadmill is designed for walking and it felt extremely unstable when I ran on it before. However, I think now that I've lost some weight the treadmill is more accepting of me running on it. It's just very narrow so I have to be careful when I run. But, I'm going to start running every day. If it's not safe outside then I'll run on the treadmill. My streak is still going at 90-something days but I've been pretty lazy about it and have done nothing but walk on the treadmill for a good four or five weeks now. No running. Which sucks. When I was running more I was losing more weight and it made me feel incredible. I need to get back to that. So, starting tomorrow, I'm running every day. I will also be lifting weights and working on toning my body. I'm realistically not all that far off from reaching my ultimate goal weight but my body isn't taking shape the way I would like it - SOOOOO, I need to increase my work on trying to tone my body.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. I love when the wife and I both get into the "LET'S GET FIT!!!" mood at the same time so I'm pretty pumped to get the ball rolling again. However, being that tonight is our last night before we get back into gear tomorrow, I plan on having a few drinks and relaxing - games, farting around online, watching TV, whatever. I know Jen isn't thrilled about that but I told her that I'm not going to have another drink until I get down to 215 lbs. And, I mean that. I'm HOPING to be down to 215 lbs by the end of February and I think I can do that. I need to lose 15-16 pounds in order to get there which means I'll have to lose between two and three pounds a week. If I do that, I'll be down to 215 lbs before the end of next month - and, if that happens, I will be VERY happy.

Oaks said:
Just wanted to stop in and throw some support your way. You've got some noble goals for 2017, and it shows a lot of strength to say what you said out loud.
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Thanks, Oaks.

Little John said:
How goes it?
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allcdnboy said:
I hear you Chef. I have those thoughts on a very regular basis. If I trained like I do now, I could have been a better baseball player in University. If I treated my fiance better during that rough patch, we wouldn't be struggling so much now. If I didn't eat that whole box of chocolates last night, I wouldn't be spending so much time in the bathroom today ... haha. "What ifs" always mess with your head and I don't think there is a way around it other than trying to focus on moving forward and not repeating the mistakes.
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Yeah, those pesky "what ifs" never do any good but they always seem to find a way to sneak in every once in a while. I try to not let them bother me but I have my moments of weakness. However, I'm back in a good place mentally and, starting tomorrow, I'm ready to roll.
 
Clutter is my worst enemy too, Chef. I loved taking down the Christmas decorations. It feels good to have had a productive weekend. Here's to 2017 being a better year for all of us!
 
Oh, Chef. It sounds to me like your daughter has her biological father up on an undeserved pedestal. I feel for you. Logic does not come into this equation from what I have picked up over the years. Kudos to you Chef for not looking closer at the emails. Kudos to you, for not letting this get in the way of your love for her. You are the one being the father. She is very lucky to have you. She'll work that out.
You have my utmost support & admiration xo
 
What Cate said. As long as the parent you live with is decent enough to talk about the "absent" parent like a normal human being that absent parent usually ends up being idealized. Especially during puberty. Aaand... I don't know if it's any comfort but this way is a LOT better than having a teen fantasizing about and sexualizing their stepparent.
 
Don't worry about those emails, man, she's on a hormonal rollercoaster and is imagining that there's greener grass under his watch. You're at home, being a parent, and telling her she's wrong more often than she wants to be told, while she's got this guy in the ethos who can be the dad she thinks she wants. When I was that age, I was convinced that all my friends' fathers were so much better than mine, and if I had a "second-string dad" in the wings, I'd be all over that.
 
I guess you guys are right - she puts her biological father on a pedestal and, if I'm being realistic, I've known that for a while. She's always been "Daddy's Little Girl" and I'm sure that a lot of her admiration for him comes from the fact that he lets her and her brother do pretty much whatever the hell they want when he has them. I guess I just need to suck it up and let it be. Eh, what are you gonna do?

Anyway, HEALTH STUFF...

I weighed myself this morning. Ouch. I currently weigh 235.2 lbs so I went up a little bit (I weighed myself one morning last week and was at 229.7 lbs). I started this leg of my journey on October 17th, 2016 which was 92 days ago. On that day, I weighed 252.4 lbs. So far, I have lost 17.2 lbs. Good, right? I'll take it. However, I need to be honest with myself...

Most of the entire month of December was a wash. I didn't stay on track during the holidays and, although I kept my streak going, I didn't work very hard at actually losing weight. I wasn't focused and I didn't make any progress. I basically went through the motions which resulted in making no progress what-so-ever. I can NOT afford to do that anymore. So, how do I fix it?

Starting today, I am going to run. Every. Single. Day. No excuses. I mentioned in an earlier post that I was wrong about our treadmill and I actually CAN run on it. So, that's what I'm going to do. If I can run outside I will run outside. If the weather isn't cooperating or if it isn't safe then I will run on the treadmill. Running not only helped me shed more weight when I first started this leg of my journey, it helped me stay focused as well. So, I'm focusing on running again.

I am also going to be lifting weights. A few years back I weighed nearly 300 lbs. Over the course of a few months I dropped down to 221 lbs. When looking at the numbers, I am only 14 lbs away from that weight. However, my body is nowhere close to what it was back then. And, I know why. I'm not lifting weights. When I lost weight before I lifted weights five days per week. So, while I was losing weight I was getting toned. This time around? Not so much. My chest is boobalicious, my stomach is Homer Simpsony and my arms are wobbling sacks of gelatin. So, I need to change that. Lifting weights will help me burn more calories but it will also help me tone my body so I can start to look better as I lose more weight.

On the bright side - I am not that far from reaching my ultimate goal weight. I will be happy at 215 lbs but, realistically, I need to shoot for closer to 200. That's only 35 lbs away. I can do that. Hell, if I break it down and shoot for losing 1-2 lbs per week, I can be at my goal weight in just a few months. Before summer. If I work at it, I can go to the beach THIS SUMMER and not feel gross about my body. And, I will be keeping that in mind, using it as motivation every single day from now on. I weigh 235.2 lbs today. If I work hard and lose two lbs per week then I can be at my goal weight in 17 weeks. In other words, I can be at my goal weight in four months. Four months from now is May. That's before beach season. I could be ready for the beach before beach season even starts this year.

LET'S DO THIS!!!
 
I just wanted to let everybody know that I'm going to be taking a break for a while. How long? I don't know. I just have some personal issues to deal with and I need to step away from WLF for a little while so I can attempt to regroup and make some necessary changes in my life.

Be good.
 
WARNING: This could get long...

I've thought long and hard about what I would say when I came back to the forum and no matter what ideas I've come up with they all get pushed aside by one thought and one thought alone. There's been a lot of shit that has happened in my life over the past eight months but my mind keeps going back to one thing. So, as I dip my toes back into the waters here, I will keep this post focused on the one thing consuming my heart, mind and overall life...

My mom has cancer.

A few months ago I got a call from my dad and I immediately knew something was wrong. He never calls. It's always my mom. So, I already knew something was wrong. During that phone conversation he told me my mom had Stage IV colo-rectal cancer. My parents had visited just a few weeks earlier and my mom seemed fine. Totally fine. Little did I know, she had a mass of cancer in her body eating away at her health.

At first, my parents weren't going to tell me. They are both the type of people who sincerely don't want anybody worrying about or feeling sorry for them. So, they genuinely weren't going to tell me. It took friends, co-workers and neighbors to convince them that they needed to tell me. Hence, the phone call from my father. That was a few months ago.

My mom is currently receiving chemotherapy and, for the most part, she is not handling it well. She has her ups and downs, but it's been mostly downs so far. The past few days have been good for her, but that won't last. As soon as she goes back in for her next chemo treatment she'll be a wreck again for a while. Unfortunately, there's nothing she can do about it either. It's just the way it is.

Now, is my mom dying? I don't know. The plan of attack is to treat her with chemo for six to eight months in an attempt to shrink the tumor and then, depending on the results, remove the tumor and continue chemo treatments for another six to eight months. However, anything can happen. So, I genuinely don't know what lies ahead for her. Neither does she. And, when I visited her a few weeks back, you could tell she was already wanting to give up.

Honestly? That's the big reason I decided to come back here. My mother is the toughest, most bad ass person I have ever met. She has bowled over every obstacle put in her path, overcome every form of adversity life had decided to throw at her and she has never given up on anything. Ever. But, this cancer is changing that. My mom, for the first time in her life, wants to give up. And, we all know what happens if she gives up. She dies. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow – it might be a while from now – but, if she gives up she will die.

And, that has hit home. Seeing my mother sit there with the seed of defeat growing in her eyes, telling me that she doesn't want to do chemo anymore, was gutwrenching. I was sad, mortified, scared, shaken, confused. I was a lot of things. More so than anything – I was ANGRY. Angry my mom was wanting to give up. Angry my mom was even considering the option of quitting the fight for her life, knowing God damned well she would be giving up on friends, family, loved ones, my dad, her only son, my wife, my kids, everybody. I was fucking angry she would quit on all of the people who love and need her.

But, how am I any different if I don't fight for MY life? How am I any different if I continue to sit here, unhealthy, out of shape and overweight, and don't even try – seriously try – to better myself? How am I any different? I'm not.

I don't want to ever look my kids in the eyes knowing they see me as a quitter. I don't want to ever look into my wife's eyes knowing I failed her. I don't want the memories I leave to my wife and kids to be stained with resentment. I want to go down swinging and I want my family to know I fought for them, for myself.

I don't think my mom will quit. But, she wants to. And, that scares the fucking shit out of me. It also scares the shit of me knowing one day my mom was totally fine, totally happy, then everything changed. No, her cancer didn't form overnight. It's been years in the making for all we know. But, this experience, if nothing else, should at least teach everybody involved that we never know what lies ahead of us. Our tomorrows are not promised, nor can we afford to keep waiting. If we want something, we need to go get it. Now. Not later. Because, later might never come.

In the morning tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment – a follow up on blood work I had done. I've lost 24 pounds since last year and, although my blood pressure came down a lot, it was still higher than my doctor would've liked. I had blood work done and some sort of 'marker' was found that indicates the possibility of an inflammatory condition. I also had a high red blood cell count which could indicate many things, including something simple like dehydration or something more serious like a heart condition. Normally, I'd just skip out on these kind of tests and just go on with my life as if nothing was wrong, but knowing my mom's health is being ripped from her by a previously unseen illness has made me cautious. If something is wrong with me I want to fight it now, not when it has grown into a life-threatening enemy.

I'm glad to be back. I just needed time away. I'll catch up with everyone soon. I'm sure I've missed A LOT since I've been gone.
 
Hi Chef and welcome back, although I'm very sorry it's due to such a horrendous occurrence. Don't be mad at your mom for being human but absolutely do take care of your body as best you can to avoid history repeating itself. All the best.
 
Welcome back Chef, I fully understand what you are going through, my mum is going through the same fight right now, she was estimated to have 2 months when first diagnosed and has been fighting it for 2 years of chemo and major surgeries, she has often felt like giving up. Having a parent with this cancer puts us at higher risk of the same cancer but it is worth going through the invasive checks so as not to put my family through the same pain you and I are suffering.
 
Hi Chef & welcome back to the forum.
ChefChiTown said:
In the morning tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment – a follow up on blood work I had done. I've lost 24 pounds since last year and, although my blood pressure came down a lot, it was still higher than my doctor would've liked. I had blood work done and some sort of 'marker' was found that indicates the possibility of an inflammatory condition. I also had a high red blood cell count which could indicate many things, including something simple like dehydration or something more serious like a heart condition. Normally, I'd just skip out on these kind of tests and just go on with my life as if nothing was wrong, but knowing my mom's health is being ripped from her by a previously unseen illness has made me cautious. If something is wrong with me I want to fight it now, not when it has grown into a life-threatening enemy.
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One thing your Mum has taught you & that is one very big lesson is that we must really fight to maintain our good health. I picked up my heart condition & ignored the doctor who was not worried about my blood pressure being too high. My sister died of cancer in 2005 & that is something she taught me. She had a persistent cough for AGES before she had it checked. When she was diagnosed it was stage 1v lung cancer. She had everything they could throw at her (including clinical trials at Johns Hopkins, where she was treated). She taught me, just as I'm sure your Mum has taught you that you fight for everything, including your health. Chemo really drains the energy out of people. Try not to be angry with your Mum. She must be feeling worn out & exhausted. I'm sure she's not a quitter. Tell her what you told us. Help her to be that fighter that you know she is.
Sending you lots and lots of love Chef, to you & your family.
 
LaMaria said:
Hi Chef and welcome back, although I'm very sorry it's due to such a horrendous occurrence. Don't be mad at your mom for being human but absolutely do take care of your body as best you can to avoid history repeating itself. All the best.
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Thanks. Good to be back.

I'm not mad at her for being human, I'm just mad that she is so quick to jump right to "I don't want to do this." She has a choice - fight it or don't. And, if she chooses to not fight it she is literally choosing to let the cancer kill her - she's choosing a quicker death. That's why I'm angry. Now, has she actually given up yet? No. She's just leaning that way. Hopefully she'll perk up and get a second wind though.

Trusylver said:
Welcome back Chef, I fully understand what you are going through, my mum is going through the same fight right now, she was estimated to have 2 months when first diagnosed and has been fighting it for 2 years of chemo and major surgeries, she has often felt like giving up. Having a parent with this cancer puts us at higher risk of the same cancer but it is worth going through the invasive checks so as not to put my family through the same pain you and I are suffering.
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That's sort of the boat I'm in right now. I'm angry with my mom, not because she has cancer, but because she just straight up wants to give up trying to fight it. I don't blame her. It's just a hard position for everyone to be in. I can't even begin to imagine what my mom is going through, nor will I even try, but I know how I feel on my end - helpless. My mom is the only one who can do anything for herself (excluding the doctors, obviously) so to hear her say that she wants to give up is just a horrible thing.

However, I'm not helpless when it comes to my own health. I can at least TRY to give my body the best chance in the future by taking care of it today. That way, I can give my wife and kids the best chance possible of NOT having to be on the 'helpless' end if something were to ever happen to me. Obviously, there's no way to completely prevent cancer (or any other illness), but I'll be damned if I just lay back and let it happen.

cate said:
Hi Chef & welcome back to the forum.

One thing your Mum has taught you & that is one very big lesson is that we must really fight to maintain our good health. I picked up my heart condition & ignored the doctor who was not worried about my blood pressure being too high. My sister died of cancer in 2005 & that is something she taught me. She had a persistent cough for AGES before she had it checked. When she was diagnosed it was stage 1v lung cancer. She had everything they could throw at her (including clinical trials at Johns Hopkins, where she was treated). She taught me, just as I'm sure your Mum has taught you that you fight for everything, including your health. Chemo really drains the energy out of people. Try not to be angry with your Mum. She must be feeling worn out & exhausted. I'm sure she's not a quitter. Tell her what you told us. Help her to be that fighter that you know she is.
Sending you lots and lots of love Chef, to you & your family.
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She's not a quitter. That's why it was so hard to hear her say she wants to quit. I mean, on paper it's easy - get chemo treatments for a few months, have surgery, continue chemo and voila...cancer free. But, I know it's NOT that easy when you're the one who has to actually go through it.

I don't know...it's all just sucky.
 
Oh Chef, I am so sorry to hear about your mum. I'm glad you have a new outlook on life and are working to better yourself, but so sad about the events that brought you there. I am glad your parents told you though rather than trying to keep it a secret.

I can't imagine what you and your mum and your family are going through. I know people that have both died and survived cancer, but have never been around during their fight so I don't know what it's like. But I know chemo is terrible and makes people extremely weak/tired/exhausted. I think it's normal for her to have these feelings of wanting to give up - and perhaps sometimes she even thinks it would be better for her loved ones so they don't have to see her this way. (I say that because my husband often things that way - that he is a burden to those around him and that everyone would be better off if he was gone). You can't control her thoughts or feelings, nor can you control if she continues to fight or decides to give up. All you can do is be there for her. Be the support and encouragement she needs. And while doing that, fight for your own life.

Thank you for sharing this with us. It reminds me of all the health issues my family has (dad, grandparents, my husband) and the fact that I really do have it good. I shouldn't take that for granted and should work harder to make myself a healthier and better person.

We can't change the past, we can't predict the future, but we can control what we do today.

Wishing your mum the strength and courage she needs to get herself through this.
 
I am really sorry to hear about your Mom. I went through the exact same thing 20 years ago with my Mom. She had a rare form of bile duct Cancer. I was 37 and she was 57. I know exactly how you feel. With my Mom she pretended it wasn't happening. She wouldn't accept it. I was mad as hell. I told her she needed to see what was out there for treatments and she needed to do all she could. In the end, all I could do was accept her feelings and love her as much as I could. That is my advice to you--- Don't be angry with her- just LOVE her.

That being said, this will change your perspective on your own life. It shook mine to the core. I started looking at things differently. Things that were important to me before weren't so much anymore. It made me hold on to my wife and kids and loved ones a little tighter. It made me tell the ones around them I loved them more. As weird as it sounds it made me a better person.

In another year I will be as old as my Mom was when she passed away. It scares the shit out of me even though the chances I get what she had is like 20 million to one. I still have these thoughts. I can't imagine what she went through but I have good memories of here that keeps her alive in my heart. I am trying to live a better, healthier life so that I can be on this Earth as long as possible.

I am sending healing thoughts to your Mom.
 
Thanks, guys. Kind words and advice are always appreciated.

Right now I'm at work, bored, sitting down for lunch. Had a doctor appointment yesterday to discuss some bloodwork I had done. Bad cholesterol was really high so I need to start eating better, healthier foods for my heart. My good cholesterol was 'better than perfect,' but my bad cholesterol needs some work. So, I'm going to get healthy foods and meal containers this weekend so I can prep meals I can eat throughout the week.

Mom went in for her third chemo treatment today. She's been doing good the past few days, eating better, feeling upbeat. That will completely change after today, but at least she enjoyed the past few days HAHAHA.

Anyway, I plan on exercising when I get home. Maybe I'll go out for a jog. Who knows?
 
Good luck for your mum this chemo cycle, what some people may not know is that different types of chemo can have different side effects, have you been told what to expect in the longer term ? in addition to the commonly known the side effects mum hates the most is that the chemo has turned her into an insulin dependent diabetic and loosing all sense of taste with everything tasting like wet cardboard, which makes eating enough tough.
 
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