Changing the Way I Feel and Eat!!!

AI think you should tell your husband that if he doesn't want you talking about your dad all the time, or being unhappy over it, then he should show a united front with you and talk to him together.

Has your dad said anything about what he is going to do, and when?

Hows it going my lovely? x
 
Breakfast Coffee 70 cals

Dinner meat with fr.fries and 4 spoons tzatziki.Aprox 1000 cals the meat was full of fat

Snack coffee 70 cals , half a piece of chocolate cake 250 cals


TOTAL 1400 cals





I feel crap.I feel im breking into pieces, i just dont know how long i will manage.

I really am bad,not with eating , but in me.I dont feel happy,i feel moody , unhappy , iritated , pissed of , out of temper all day long.

I am feeling so let down as well from my mum to.

She was suposed to come today, she called in the morning saying if i wouldnt mind her coming tommorow Sunday , cause she invited my sister and boyfriend over for a dinner.She had FIRST made arrangments to come to me.anyway i said ok.

Then my sister called and told me my mum said to her "Jessica has put me in a really difficult position.How am i going to tell her father to leave?He is homeless".My mum had said ok when i asked her on thursday,when i picked mario up from school.She said in words "Of course i can say that to him" I asked her to say in words this "When are you planning on leaving?you cant stay here , you have been here for a month , figure things out fast , cause you cant stay with them for long,its not nice"

What was so terrible for her to say that i bring her in a bad position?????she has said worst thing to him in the past...I really got hurt.I always do what she askes,taking her all summer with my car to all these goverment places trying to get her uneployment money through summer , running around with her for her work permit...And ok i know she would come tommorow nad say it probably to him , but if she feels im putting her in a SITUTATION i dont what her to come.Im calling in the morning telling her we arent going to be home.

Bottom line is its MY problem I must deal with it.Its NOT my husbands fault, NOT my mums , NOT my friends NOT my sisters.

I must fight my own battle.I always have and always must.I was wrong for asking for help in the first place.


As for him, he f(*#@ed up my pc.My number SIX button wasnt working so he didnt know , and while i was out god know what he did and F(*#@ed up number 5 to .It works but the plastic button is OFF.We had a huge conversation with my husband and friends again and i feel i have tired him wiht this.Always speaking of it.He said he doesnt like seeing me like this all day , that i am always with a long face , never smile and i treat mario not very well cause of my bad situation.He said i should tell him.So i am.

I am willing to wait this week through waiting for some answer on buisness matter and when we get the answer i am going to ask him.I am even going to tell him how i feel about what he has done to us, putting my husband deeper in shit.Sorry.There are many chances of a court case AGAINST my husband because of buisnees matter MY FATHER IS TO BLAME.So i am not going to say anything else to my husband,I am not going to be pleasant though to my father this week.I will act the way i feel.And then i will confront him.

I feel diaspointed in people.And tired.I just want to be calm.Pay my bills and give my child what he needs.

We are dealing with REAL finacial probelms.So much on my mind.I find the internet a place to forget for a while.


Well after all that i am off to bed.I am not thinking of the diet,I am not happy about my loss.I am just feeling tired.

I hope things will pass fast and we can be happy again.
 
AAww sweetheart :(

I really don't know what to say to make everything better so i am just gonna say that i would love to actually be ther for you and hold you while you cried, shouted, screamed and stamped you feet.

You do need to tell him to go sweetie, he is wrecking your life.

I want to say the same thing you said to me a few days ago. You will get thru this, you will come out the other side and you will smile again.

big hugs sweetness, thinking of you. Xxxxxxxxx
 
Thanks Katie for being kind, it will pass yes thats what i say to myself to get through.

Things are the same,crap, that is.

I ate bad yesterday,thats why i didnt come on last night.But not today,So far im doing well.Really emotionally tired,i dont even want to sit in the lounge where he is i took my lap top to the kitchen so i dont have to be next to him.


will be back tonight
 
Breakfast 2 coffees 140 cals

Lunch Cabbage with rice and meat 600 cals cheese 300 cals 4 min toasts 100 cals

Snack Kinder milk chocolate 117 cals handfull of raisins 200 cals coffee 70 cals



Total 1527


I feel i have had nothng to eat ,strangly.If i didnt have that cheese i would have something for dinner but im way over my calories.Hate counting really!!!

Its still nine thirty pm so i am really going to try be good,i will probably have an apple and my diet coke.

I will also do my crunches and arm weights.

I dont want to do anything else cause the equiptment is in the lounge and i dont want my father to see me.I am pretending to STILL have terrible back ache,i had a pretend conversation with my sister telling her that as soon as he leaves i am going to sleep upstairs in the bed cause the couch is terrible for my back and stuff like tht.I was speaking on the phone , made sure he heard me.So i feel like a ten year old doing stuff like this but thats how much i cant stand the situation..


Will come back on to edit for exercise.

Now that im thinking of it i can only work out when he goies to bed and he sleeps at about 12-1 am....thats really late cause i get up at 7 thirty....well...i must figure something out.

To be honest its more important for me now to make him leave then working out.Shame on me....But i will try to make ends meet,
 
AO my dear Jasper....you really are having one hell of a time right now!!! So so sorry buddy!! I hope you can at least find a sense of control in the things you can...all the other stuff is beyond anything you can do...so sending tons and tons of good mojo your way for peace of mind and strength.!! Just hug that sweet little guy its the best stress reliever us moms have. xxxxxxxxx :grouphug:
 
Hi Jess, I am sorry that I neglected to read your diary until now. You were so sweet to visit my diary. I have tried coming to grips with the situation with your father but there are things that I don't understand. I agree with the others that he is not your responsibility & should not be allowed to upset your household. If your mother feels so strongly about it, then let her take him in. Having private time with your husband & son & your own space, including sleeping in your own bed, being able to exercise, eat healthily etc is very important. Your father has got himself into this situation & it is his problem & his own fault, not yours. Perhaps it is time for him to "face the music" & serve his time in prison. Maybe he'll learn not to cheat on his tax. You have supported him, by the sound of it for a month & he should be grateful for that. It really sounds like you have done more than enough & it is past time for him to move on somewhere else. Anywhere else! At most I would give him one week to find an alternative place to stay but be firm that he MUST move. You & your little family are more important. Your health & happiness must take priority. If you can tell him firmly but calmly that would be best but sweetie, for your sake he must be told. Sending you lots of love & a great big Aussie hug, xoxo Cate
 
Thanks girls for been so lovely its so nice to come on and see your comments it means so much to me.

Cate thanks for stoping by you are right i must speak i will give him a few more days , its so difficult for me to tell him even in a nice way , its really embarresing for me.I dont know how im going to build up the courage to say it.Its like im angry all day but when i see him or am in the same room i feel i cant be like that, not that i dont feel like that but like i cant let him know...strange...i feel embaressed.

Thing is i ate like a pig today no ammount of exercise will help today,I know ive probably put on a kg these last days i feel it,i feel horible and fat and unhealthy.I really want to make a promise and say ill be fantastic tommorow but will I?or will i stuff my face again.I ate with no fear.The fera came after and the guilt.I was doing so great till 4 pm but then i blew it big time.

Spaggetti with meat sause , gratted cheese , and chicken pie made with cheese , heavy cream , bacon and stuff like that......i had 2 pieces.I had half a sugar doghnut , i had 3 small eclairs....and still iwant to go eat even though i feel sick and bloated.

I was thinking and this is NOT an excuse.My situation at home and my real bad mental state is making things realy bad for my diet.Its my first crisis since starting my diet and i am NOT managing well.Its a shame to put on weight because of this.I have tried so hard.

I felt good for a while today cause i tried on my nearlly to be wedding dress and it fits.Well not really it needs to be taken IN.Its too big now.A while a go i couldnt get the zip up then i managed to scqueeze in and not its nearly falling off so how bad am i for eating so bad today and generally these days?why?why am i doing this.

I feel so bad

I am scared to get on the scales.i dont want to be 80 kg again...nononoono...Please tell me what to do.i am desperate.I want my normal every life healthy eating life back.Before its to late.
 
AWow girl, look at that dress. If you jumped up and down a bit it would fall off!!!!! That is so cool :hurray: :hurray: And to think, you couldn't do it up before!!!

I really don't know what to say to help you thru this really hard time. If you are that scared of getting on the scales then don't do it for a bit. You have to talk to your father sooner or later, it's probably best just to get it over with. Even if you don't tell him he has to leave, you really have to tell him how he is affecting you. I.e eating badly, not doing any of your exercises, sleeping badly, always angry etc etc You need to be honest with him.

Big hugs sweetie, keep posting and let us know how you are getting on. thinking of you Xxxxxx
 
Breakfast Coffee 70 cals Koulouri 200 cals

Lunch Egg noodles with canned tomatoe 400cals 1 tbls pecorino grated cheese 30 cals , tomatoe salad with 1 tbls olive oil 200cals

Snack Coffee 70 cals , 2 digestive no sugar biscuits 150 cals

Dinner Plate of ready made soup 150 cals , 2 mini toasts 70 cals



TOTAL 1340








Did ok,im sorry im feeling really upset now so i;ll come on tommorow and on diarys
 
AAwwww hun :(

When you said that your Dad was coming to stay I thought you meant for something like a week! If you are an adult and you move in with someone temporarily, it is SUPPOSED to be for a very short while. Ie... You start making plans to move somewhere permanent the day you arrive, and you do not stop for a single day until your life is sorted. You have not had a good relationship with him growing up. You can not be yourself around him, and in many ways he is probably a stranger. He is taking the piss. Its no wonder you are angry. If you find it hard to tell him how you feel, why not write him a letter? It might be easier. I know you don't want to confront the issues, but you have to. Really, you have to RIGHT NOW. Don't wait a week and be grumpy and try to let him know you are not unhappy in an indirect way. You have to let him know how stressed this is making you. There is a possibility he could live at yours for years if you don't talk to him about it. You have to face it head on and tell him that he has to start making arrangements to stay with a friend, or hand himself into the police. I hate seeing you so unhappy... And you are not going to get happier when he is still with you. Please be strong my lovely. You will feel loads better once the way you are feeling is out i the open. I know that in his heart he knows he cannot stay at yours forever.... But he will need a push xxxxx
 
Breakfast Coffee 70 cals

Lunch Gr.beans with potatoes carrots made in pot 500 cals feta cheese 200 cals 4 mini toasts 120 cals

Dinner A slab of chocolate 398 cals

TOTAL 1288 cals







Hi im here, was waiting to finish with eating today to post.

I think im in my calorie range,Not sure about the lunch,i googled and got different amounts from 350 to 480 so im putting it down for 500.

then i knew i had cals left and just ate 4 squares of choc,i just ate the other 4 too.So i ate a whole chocolate.I hope i got the cals right for the lunch.....the picture is only the first 4.


Thanks rainbow, i was feeling slim while taking the dress fotos!


I know i must tell him.I know i will at some point i just dont feel ready now.I must get the guts to do so.and right now i dont feel i do.Its just sooo uncomfortable even thinking of it.As for writing?i cant do that.It feels very very personal to write a letter and i dont feel , want , to be so "emotional" with him.I do write letters to my husband some times but i love him ,,,,i couldnt do something so emotional to my father.Its really the way i see writing.I love writing.I write so much,well i used to.I even wrote short stories and started a book last year.For me writing is very personal , emotional and sincere (dont know the spelling for that).I dont want to write to him.I cant.

I am hoping for him leaving before having to tell him.\

Sometimes in the day i wonder if i am selfish and bad for not wanting him here in this difficult time of his.Maybe its the right and normal thing to do if one of your parents are in need.But i just dont like it...I dont think i would feel different even if it was my mum to be honest.I hate it when something makes my everyday out of balance.

Mabe if i was really older and my child was grown up , maybe i would feel different , but right now i feel too young to have this baggage on my back,i want to be alone with my husband and child , i want to have sex , i want to be affectionate and i cant have all that now.

When my father is around i am like a huge iceblock just keeping buisy not to have to look at him , with out any expression on my fave, or in my voice.

Its probably my fault,,,i dont know why i get like that.I get like that with my mum to not so much though.Around my friends though i am fine , myself.

Well ....He was supposed to go meet up for this buisness ofer today but it was cancelled he is going tommorow.

I mentioned to my husband and he heard that as soon as he leaves im going up stairs in the bed to sleep cause my back is sore from the couch...i am trying to get the message through in every way i can.I think he is starting to get the picture.I go to sleep every night thinking of WHAT to do tommorow to piss him off....

Anyway....i want to be myself again.
 
Breakfast Coffee 70 cals

Lunch xucchini , eggpant , potatoe onions in the oven and 150 cals feta cheese

Dinner 1 big tomatoe with feta cheese

Snack Kinder 191 cals





I am so hysterically mad...you are not going to belive it....My husband told me today that upstairs in the bedroom my father had 2 GLASSES we drink from and had pissed in them...How diguisting is that.?tell me?omg...i took ALL my glasses and washed with klinex and hot water then soaped them.....I through those two away in the recycle.

He had taken them , my father and left in downstairs in the bathroom this morning....he had emtied them but just left them by the bathroom sink....how digusting is this.NO RESPECT for my house and my child who DRINKS from the glasses....

So i was soooooo pissed of i was shaking.

When he returned from out , i started to talk about WHAT the plans are for work.I said that he should go back BEFORE his passport expires in January cause if it expires he is going to have to pay 4000 euros for his tax crappy buisnees THEN the police will renew it , OR he is going to go to jail.He said he doesnt need to renew actually cause he isnt going back , and if he has to travel in the eu he has his identification card,no need for passport.Ok...i thought to myself i must continue the conversation.I said to him WHAT is going to happen if the buisness in not going to continue now ( its going to go well in May we know,but now winter its DEAD) he said that if the BIG deal with the super market doesnt go through (he will know next week) he will go to prison for six months have a roof over his head and food,he will be out in April then buisnees will start again.I said THEN WHAT?he said from buisness he needs 500 euro profit to live.I said YOU CANT LIVE with 500 euro,its a little money.He said exactly "I can live with 500euro.I am alone , i will stop smoking , i dont have a car and i dont pay sharing fees " (sharing fees is the money you pay when you live in a apartments , each month besides your rent , for cleaning the building , heating ect.)

I said to him you need to pay for rent , for electricity , water and food" He didnt expect that, i understood from his voice and he said to me "i will go to jail now not to bother anyone and i will see from then on"....So i was happy after that cause i have to chance to tell him now what i want to tell for weeks

TOmmorow morning whrn my husband is out i will tell him this exactly..i have rehearsed it in my mind so many time, and i will start by telling him that he said several times that he is going to leave not to bother anyone anymore...thats where i am starting.

What makes things worst now is that after i klinexed all the glasses , just minutes ago he was getting ready to go upstairs to sleep and guess what.He f&(*ing opemed the glass cupboard searching.Then he took a coffe mug from the washing up and went upstairs.I am so mad i feel my head ready to explode...Oh

sorry AGAIN for speaking about this...i hope it will be over soon and get back to diet talk.
 
He is a fucking asshole.

Thats it.

I started speaking to him in the morning i told him that i dont feel comfortable ect ect.and he said he will leave soon.Then he said to me.


"do you know why i havent sat and played with Mario from the day i came?or why i havent spoken to him and given him any attention?|" I thought it was because he is stressed about things....WELL NO WRONG ANSWER PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he continued and said " i dont want him to feel that he can play , or shout , at me like he does with the rest of you , BECAUSE i dint want to have to YELL at him,,,,,Jessica ...if i yell at him it will be the first time you have ever heard something so loud.Or if he screams at me or comes to do naughty things , i dont put up with that and i wouldnt want to give him a slap................................................."

OH YES.....he said that ....to me about MY SON....

i asked him "do you really mean this?i mean ok im not saying that he comes and hits you on your head , but even just been a little cheeky with you wanting to play you would do that?"\he said

YES but i wont cause i cant you are his parents,not me , its not my place , i wouldnt want to get in a fight with you or your husband,but thats why i dont pay him any attention so i doesnt get comfortable with me to do such things."

HE told me that he is a loner , doesnt like to be around others , I asked him does he miss his brother (his brother is a fantastic sweet man) he said NO I DONT MISS ANYONE.I am a strange grummpy man.He said that he left my mother not because she did anything but because he doesnt want to be with others,he left his 2nd wife for the same reason.He said he gave his last penny to his 2nd wife to finish med school,and i said to him YOU GAVE HER YOUR LAST PENNY SPENT SO MUCH ON HER WHILE MY MOTHER WAS LOOKING FOR FOOD FOR YOU 2 CHILDREN TO EAT.....

I went out after a few minute ,i was BOILING inside....i went to my sisters work.I was in a terrible state....how DARE he speak like that to me..and he means it....he was even speaking in a way that he is proud of fucking been so horrible.....My sister told me to go back home and tell him NOW that he must leave.


Her Boyfriend took me home ( i didnt have the car today) and waited outside for me.I went in looked at him and told him

"if YOU have the courage to speak to me like that about my son then i have found the courage too , to tell you please ,today tommorow until next week to leave this house.You have no feeling , as you admited about ANYONE.I knew you were a hard person to OTHERS not to me , i am your daughter.But i see you treat me the same way and mostly my son.So as my brother,that stole from me and lied to me , i cut him out of my life , thats how i am cutting you out as well.I dont want to have anything to do with you,speak with my husband about buisness do want you think together ,,but as long as i go you are finished."

and i left.........

Well i was shaking for some time ..i am feeling a bit dizzy and out of space right now,I am at home we just got back an hour ago.He went upstairs to sleep ,he said goonight so did i.

But he is fucking finished....he can go to hell...As much as i can control i will NEVER EVER EVER let ANYONE speak about my child in that way, i dont care who it is.Never.I WILL stand up for him , even if he isnt even 3 years old.I WILL STAND UP FOR HIM NO MATTER WHAT>and i WILL ALWAYS be there for him until i die no matter what.And i dont care if little mario doesnt understand what is going on,but i hope one day he will understand and be proud of me for loving him so much and just been a rock next to him.
 
AGood on you hun!!!!!!

I would have gone totally fucking insane for the pissing in the glass thing but to say that about your family, let alone the most important person in your life.....Get that fucking prick out of your life!!!!

So so proud of you hun for standing up to him!!!! I can't put into words how proud i am.

When does he go? Don't let him stay for more than a day or two. It is not your problem where he goes or what he does, just get him out.

I can't wait for you to get back to your normal life with people you love. You are a wonderful person and an awesome mum :) Love and hugs sweetie. Xxx keep in touch.
 
Hi Jess, You poor thing! It is so awful seeing someone so upset.He had to be told & you have done it. Follow through with it honey & don't feel guilty & get him out of your house ASAP. You will have your life back very soon and you will be able to enjoy your little family unit. Sending you much love sweetie, xoxo Cate.
 
My lovely girls thank you so much , for understanding.It means so much for me!:grouphug:


I am really much better today.My husband left for work in the morning and i went to my mum to speak to her.Then i went to my mother in laws and then to my b.friends home for her birthday , and all this really to be honest i didnt want to go home and be alone with him.I just really dont want to be near him

So i am really wanting him to leave he did say he is leaving in these days now coming.So i have learnt some thing from all this goign on.


I learnt that the VALUE of real FAMILY and FRIEND is pricless.

LOVE is so important in life.

Sharing moment with the people YOU LOVE is pricless.

HELPING people and just trying your best for them is happiness.

LOVING YOUR FAMILY AND STICKING RIGHT NEXT TO THEM IS EVERYTHING.

I feel that i see my sisters and friends in a different way,i see that i have kept them quite far from me , and i dont want to do that anymore.I WILL NOT BE LIKE HIM.

NEVER and from now on i will be HAPPY for family together at easter and christmass never MOAN again about it.

I will be a better person from now on and i feel i love a little more!I really do.


As food is concerned tomorow is a whole NEW week and i will get myself back together again workouts and ALL.

I will be 77 kg in a week well at least i will try to and i will CONTINUE my life as before.

I am saying a big F(*&$ OFF to everything that has caused me pain and i am going to look out for myself and all my loved ones.

Todays food was really not a lot.Nibbles of this and that.HAd a piece of B.CAKE it was soooo good!

CANT wait for tommorow to come!
 
Originally Posted by jasper


My lovely girls thank you so much , for understanding.It means so much for me!:grouphug:



I am really much better today.

So I have learnt some things from all this going on.



I learnt that the VALUE of real FAMILY and FRIEND is priceless.

LOVE is so important in life.

Sharing moment with the people YOU LOVE is priceless.

HELPING people and just trying your best for them is happiness.

LOVING YOUR FAMILY AND STICKING RIGHT NEXT TO THEM IS EVERYTHING.

I feel that I see my sisters and friends in a different way

NEVER and from now on I will be HAPPY for family together at easter and christmas- never MOAN again about it.

I will be a better person from now on and I feel I love a little more!I really do.



CANT wait for tomorrow to come!
Click to expand...


Hi Jess, This is so good to hear! I "cherry-picked" out all the positive stuff in your last post to accentuate it. GOOD FOR YOU SWEETIE!! I especially liked the "Can't wait for tomorrow to come!" Sometimes it takes bad things to happen, for us to really appreciate the good. Life IS good, xo Cate
 
AAww sweetie

I loved what you wrote. I am so glad you have found out a few things from this horrible experience. You are lovely and deserve a happy love filled life.

So so proud with how you have dealt with it all.

You're awesome!!

Can't wait to read all about the new stronger you :)
 
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