Pregnant
Oh my Gosh.
I was wondering where the heck my period was. I've been feeling bloated and sore boobed for a week now. I became suspicious today and took a home test. POSITIVE. I was a frantic mess by the time my hubby came home.
I'm stunned. I wish I could say I'm happy, and part of me is, but I'm freaked out. I'm worried about starting pregnancy with so many extra pounds.
Let me say, I don't want to hear any remarks about how I ought to have waited to get pregnant till the pounds were shed.
My son was born in May 2004. By a year later, we were trying hard to conceive again. After two years of no success, I had lost weight, tried fertility drugs, and without going for anything more invasive, decided we wanted to adopt. I've always wanted to adopt, but with how expensive it is, I never brought it up with my husband until this point. We began a torturous 1.5year process, finally meeting our daughter this past Christmas day, bringing to her canada on new years eve. I gained weight throughout the process, and starting smoking a lot more. I quit when she came home, and was moving on to the weight issues.
I've not used any birth control since my son was born. 4 years. No particular reason given why we couldn't conceive, we were just told that the probability was very low after having no success even with fertility pills. So protection wasn't something that we've concerned ourselves with (obviously!)
Not only am I nervous about weight, but yesterday my brother phoned me - his wife, 6months pregnant found out in her ultrasound that the child has a fatal abnormality and will likely not live to term. And my other brothers daughter also has a rare genetic disorder which has her legs growing very bowed, and would likely have been fatal had they conceived a boy. So that's making me worry.
And, my pregnancy with my son was not very good. I started dilating at 25 weeks, was on bedrest till 33 weeks, and he was born at 34 weeks. Premature, and very colicky.
Plus my car can't fit 3 carseats.
And when I was at my mom's recently I joked about being pregnant (I was having a strange combination of food) and her response was something to the tune of "you'd lose your mind if you added another kid to these two tornadoes". Can I really handle 3 kids 4 and under? I suppose I'll have to, but it would be nice to have my family excited and supportive.
And I just had a garage sale and got rid of all my maternity clothes and infant stuff.
And I feel so guilty for not being super excited. I tried so hard for this, and I had come to accept that it wasn't going to happen. My dreams of what my family looked like had changed, and I was comfortable with that change. So many people I know from the adoption community would be ecstatic to be pregnant, and here I am, only able to think about the negative.
Diet-wise... I don't know what to do. I guess this is why I've been finding myself so tired lately. I binged today when I found out the news. 3 big samosas and some cheese. I think my cals today are in the vacinity of 2000.
I guess until I get into the doctor, I'll just try to keep walking, and eat healthy, upping my calories to 1800-2000. I'm just guessing in the dark here. I've actually been cramping a bit today, which is worrysome, so I'm going to rest tomorrow.
I can't even remember when my last period was. It would kind of be nice to know how pregnant I am. I'm guessing, maybe 6 weeks or so right now.