Carey's Diary

C

carey

New member
Dearest E-Diary (and everyone else reading my diary),

how frustrated can someone really be with themselves? I cant believe I let myself get to this point! Im 5'5 and 160 pounds. I'm pretty sure im an emotional eater. Even when I exercise, I dont feel any better about myself. Even when I eat well, I dont feel any better about myself. What's wrong here?

So i used to dance. Ballet. I was pretty thin until I reached college. I stopped dancing when I was 15 , and i guess from there was when the weight began. I looked great throughout highschool , though i didnt know it because my friends all weighed atleast 10 pounds less than I did. Throughout HS i probably maintained 135 at 5'5. I feel as if 125 at 5'5 would be a good weight for me now. I have never believed I could lose weight. And I never have lost weight. Never. Ive never tried very hard. Now I am. Now I iwll make it happen. 160 pounds is totally unacceptable. I feel huge. I have to admit, right now i am on an exercise binge. Until I begin seeing results in myself , I dont think i will be able to not exercise twice a day. Ugh. Does anyone feel this pitiful about themselves? Im pretty sure the most recent weight gain was due to a breakup. I thought I was going to marry him. Im only 20... silly girl. Anyway....


-- How much weight do you want to lose?
35 pounds

-- What is the timeframe for reaching your target weight?
3 months

-- How do you want to accomplish your goal (what methods do you want to use)?
eating 6 small nutritious meals/day - 1 hour of cardio 6 days a week

-- Who or what can support you in reaching your goal?
hopefully this forum. I dont have much more support in my day to day life

-- How realistic is your goal?
I'm really not sure at all

-- When will you start?
I started 5 or 6 days ago. :rolleyes: Has it been very successful? I'm not sure. Im terrified to step on the scale. Last time I did , I had a breakdown. I was such a mess over my weight. Anyone else ever had this issue? Thanks for listening.

Carey
 
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Hey Carey,

Welcome to WLF and to your diary. I am 21 and have much more weight than you to lose... but I totally understand the wonderful lifestyle of being a college undergrad. I find my journal the best place to vent about EVERYTHING.

You CAN do this... and here you will have all the support and advice you can need.

If you need to talk or anything feel free to pm me

~Jenna
 
Thanks Boam! Once I can pm, you can count on a message!

SO today's been a bit of a struggle. Havnt been feeling that great, but heres my activity/food intake for the day...

this morning i woke up, had 1 cup of cheerios with 1/2 cup of skim milk (150cal) and then had Light & fit strawberry yogurt (60 cal). Oh yes.. i hung around the house too long talking to my auntie , and ended up having about 130 cal worth of wheat thins. so thats what.... 230 calories this morning.

then i went to the gym... did 30 min on the elliptical (interval workout) and worked off about 350 cals... and then the bike for about 25 minutes (150 cals). Then i did 30 chin ups .... but on that chin up machine that allows you to subtract weight from urself so you can actually lift yourself up.


unfortunately, i came home... had a Luna bar (180 cal), another 130 some cal worth of wheat thins... and my auntie asked me to lunch. There i had a chicken cesar salad (i dipped my fork in the dressing rather than spreading it on the salad)..... and , get this.... CHOCOLATE CAKE. Oh my heavens. I have no idea how many calories i managed to eat at lunch... but i atleast split the cake with my auntie.


around 3 i had another Luna bar (180 cal). Then i had orange juice. Ya know , im really not in the mood to add all of these calories up... because it might be tragic.... but i do plan on going BACK to the gym tonight to work off about 800 of them. Im due for some dinner now... probably a smart choice meal for about 230 calories.



the good news of the day? i weighed myself , and ive dropped 3 pounds since 6 days ago. yay! but now i have to manage to not eat the carrot cake in the fridge... and the lays chips on top of the fridge.... damn.








Carey
 
Great job on those 3 pounds!!

Keep up the hard work and you'll see more dropping off.
Don't get down on yourself for eating too much at one meal... its only one meal ... as long as your not eating like that everyday or every meal... than its practically insignificant in the larger scheme of things:)

~Jenna
 
Thanks for the encouragement Jenna - ur great!

So i attempted to add all of my calories up for the day... we're looking at around 1800. Ouch. i realized i cant get back to the gym this evening, but i will go again tomorrow morning and definitely work off about 800 calories. Sometimes its hard to see the big picture.... i really hope i can lose this weight.


carey
 
1800 isn't bad. You shouldn't be eating too many fewer than that... no less than 1200.

Keep up the great work Carey... you'll be able to lose the weight... just take it one day at a time.

~Jenna
 
Today was not a triumph. No. It was a failure.

It is impossible for me to type out what i ate today.... impossible. All i can say is that it neared 2500 calories. The only control I have felt all day is right now - and it's because I am not eating. I will be at the gym for several hours tomorrow. But all i can think about is how far today has set me back...how far yesterday set me back. How is it that i find the control and motivation to exercise a couple hours a day.... yet i seem to have absolutely NO control over how much and what i eat? This is so hard.... i dont understand what my problem is. wow i feel helpless right now.
 
A New Day :)

Alright!

So its amazing... yesterday was my last day working for a non-profitable organization that enslaves its employees for minimal pay. I am moving on... going to school in the fall at the University of Hawaii, and working my butt off to get into the Nursing program.

With all of that amazing stuff said... it's time to address the terrible truth of my very near future.... in 2 days i will be going home to Ohio to visit my family and friends. I assume you're asking "what on earth is so terrible about that?". Well , my dear dear beautiful friends... i have gained 20 pounds since i left Ohio. Even worse, I have always been held in high esteem by the family because I've always been the "skinny" one. Yes... the thin pressure.


Anyway! moving on... today has been SO much better than yesterday nutritionally! I woke up and had cheerios and skim milk (yes i measured it.. 150 cal)..... then two hours later (after working out) i had a Luna bar (180cal). Two hours after that I had my lunch... which was a lean pocket (290 cal). Ive been drinking water throughout the day and i feel so confident that today I will control my eating.

Working out this morning was a bit discouraging though. Im not sure what happened... i was out of breath a lot easier than usual and i was sweating heavier than usual. I was so tired and flustered that i stopped after 40 minutes. I had planned to work out a lot longer... this was very discouraging. I'm going back tonight. We will see how that goes.
 
Hi Carey,
I know how you feel, I used to be the skinny one too... But anyways it seems like you are on the right track. Don't get discouraged you are doing great-good job on the 3 pounds so far!:)
 
Hey Carey,

Don't get too upset over a day or two of not eating well. You will gain the control over the food it take time. This is a lifestyle change and it will not occur overnight:)

Keep going and you'll start to drop more pounds (those 3 were a great start!):)

~Jenna
 
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