Can I do it? - a diary from a repeat offender

R

rottengirl

New member
A repeat offender because I love the snacks...:)

A repeat offender because I love eating out...;)

A repeat offender because I have no will power...:confused:

A repeat offender because I am back up to 205 pounds after successfully losing more than fifty pounds!:eek:

I am so pissed off at myself for letting it happen too! :mad: I originally lost the weight on Jenny Craig, and I remember being on their message board and reading all these posts stating "I lost it and gained it back".. I always thought to myself..."If I can just loose the weight, I will never allow myself to gain it back!":cool:

I originally lost the weight for my wedding. My cousin got married a year before me, and she was really big in her wedding pictures. When I got engaged, I made a commitment to myself to lose weight! I did not want to look at those pictures and be embarrassed by how fat I was so I started with Jenny Craig. I was one of those "results not typical" cases. I followed the diet to a tee... I excercised every single week day, I lost 45 pounds in 4.5 months!

I felt great! I was a beautiful bride if I do say so myself and I kept the weight completely off for about 6-8 months. I then started to creep up. I was up to 170 and was still pretty okay with that. I kept that weight for a few years.

A couple of years ago, I taught home ec... terrible job for someone with no willpower! I gained a bit of weight! (About fifteen pounds):rolleyes:

Ended that school year, and ended my marriage (long lived, I know:( ), and lost about twenty five pounds because I was single and really taking care of myself.

Well last year, in November, I met the most amazing man. I am so happy in my relationship, he is sweet, kind, gentle, sensitive etc, etc

While looking back on my life, I see that I have always gained weight when I have been content, and comfortable. Some people are emotional eaters, well I guess happiness is an emotion!:confused:

So, that being said I have easily gained more than thirty pounds while I have been with him in eight months.! :eek:

He says he still finds me sexy and beautiful, of course he would like to see me healthy. He is one of those people that has a ridiculously high metabolism and he can and does eat anything and everything! Despite his best intentions to be a support to me, I told him that my self esteem might not be able to handle having a conversation about my weight struggles with my stick thin boyfriend. I told him that he just wouldn't be able to 'get it'. He told me that he would do anything he could to support me, and I had to just let him know

We are going to Cuba at Christmas time, and I really want to feel comfortable on the beach and by the pool. I am not looking to be a super model, I am not being unrealistic but I have 4.5 months and would love to loose as much as I can before that!

Wish me luck! Any tips or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated for me and my sweet tooth!
Thanks,
~P
 
It's 1am and I am hungry!

okay so tonight I worked until 11:30pm...
I feel like I missed the window for my last snack of the night. Fresh Cherries from BC. When I was going to eat them it was about 10pm.. and I am trying not to eat at least 3 hours before I go to sleep, so I skipped the cherries!
Now I am kind of hungry and I can't sleep... so I thought I would post on here rather than find a snack.
:eek:
going to go and do something else, rather than think about food!
~P
 
Welcome to your diary P (I can't call you rottengirl!)

Good for you for posting here instead of snacking!

I really think going on a "diet" either a plan or a prepackaged food system like you did with Jenny Craig, makes it easier to gain the weight back later.

When you're counting calories, you are learning as you go down the scale what your body needs for loss and maintenance and you're learning how to incorporate your foods into your life and that's what creates the lifestyle change.

Certainly not speaking for everyone's experience :)

Good luck and you're taking great steps towards reaching your goal!
 
Hey M2M,
Don't worry about calling me rottengirl, its a nickname from a different forum that I belong to. I have a rottweiller and it is a discussion board for breed owners. I assure you there is nothing sinister about the name! :p

Thanks for your words of support!
I had another good day today, with no unhealthy snacking! I have to get in my evening snack now, or else I won't be able to have it again tonight!

Lost five pounds this week already! Hopefully that stays off and I keep going with more!

~P
 
Hey Rottengirl,

Congrats on the 5 pounds, thats great!
I completely understand your reasons for being here, and don't worry people here are amazing and best of all you are among "peers". Well, have great day and keep up the good work.
 
Just about... but didn't!

I work during the summer as a crisis counsellor where I have to be out on home visits a good part of my day. I just got back to the office. I have been on the go for several hours. I was out and about and getting quite hungry! Prior to this change of life, I would stop at some fast food joint, or a gas station to grab a snack and I almost did tonight!
I packed a good lunch with lots of fruits and veggies for snacks but left them back at the office. I am so proud of myself for NOT stopping for a snack! I can't believe I was even considering it!
It's so funny that once I made up my mind about this weight loss thing, I am able to stay so focussed! Obviously Cuba is a really big motivator! For the past year I have been saying that I needed to loose weight but always finding myself with chocolate bar in hand. So I have to say I am pretty proud of myself today!
Keep on, keepin on...
~P:p
 
Yay for you for not stopping at fast food!!! Great Job!! It's always so hard not to stop when you're hungry and it's so, well .... fast! LOL
 
Your struggle sounds so familiar! I have been there and I do think I also gain when I am comfortable and when I am pregnant! I have really poor will power too! But by sticking together and encouraging one another we can do this ! I will be traveling to Europe and do not want to be "the fat american"! So we both have travel goals! Keep up the good work and you will be heading down the path to healthy in no time!!!
 
Didn't post yesterday because I was feeling pretty yucky...
I had full intentions of buying an elliptical trainer from Sears. They had a 12 equal payment plan with no interest that would pay it off at the end of the year. So, I went to the counter to have the cashier call to check on my Sears card to see if I would qualify for this option. I didn't! :eek:
Since leaving my husband, my finances were a bit in the crapper, and it has only been about 8-10 months since I have been really good with it all. And I have paid off MANY things since then! NOt soon enough I guess?
So...being really pissed off about it, I kind of put it out of my head all day, and went about my business. I worked my crisis counsellor shift until 11pm, and my bf picked me up after work. We talked about it a bit and he said "well, what's plan B then?" I said that I wasn't sure and I had to think it through... He said, "I don't want this to be an excuse for you to not be successful in your weight loss."
I got really defensive and said, "does this mean that you think I will be looking for an excuse?"
He said, "No, I am just trying to encourage you here, that's all."
I went pretty quiet for a bit and thought about it. I recognize that my reaction to his statement was my own insecurity. I don't know if I can have conversations about my weight with him because as I said before he just won't understand. He has NEVER been any where near fat, and he can eat ANYTHING he wants. He is a beautiful man, inside and out, mostly inside, and he will be doing anything for me to be successful because he wants me to be happy and healthy...but in my warped, insecure moment, mind, I think, he wants me to be successful because he doesn't find me attractive and he would much prefer a skinny girlfriend.
Right now as I type that, I know how stupid that is, when he has been nothing but attentive and wonderful our whole relationship. He makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the world all the time but I have these insecurities inside that I know every person on here probably feels some of the time???
I am not an overly insecure person. I know I am a good person and I have a lot to offer this world. I know that there are people in this world that love me just for who I am! But I also logically know that I am getting more and more overweight and if I don't take care of it now, it will only get harder! I am 32 now!
He asked me how he can help me and what kinds of things he can/can't say to support me, and I don't know the answer to that. I think he is looking for some guidelines to be sensitive but it's silly to think that we won't talk about it at all! It has started to consume me a bit and he and I talk about EVERYTHING. We are very open and honest about every thought and feeling we have. How can I help him to help me when his even mentioning my motivation etc. will put me into an insecure place through no fault of his.
I am reading this back, and I hope I don't sound too ridiculously pathetic?!

Anyway good news, I found a very nice elliptical in the bargain finder that is worth over $800, and I am buying it for $200. We are going to see it tomorrow! AND the darling bf is paying for it!

Shoot but he's a keeper!:D
~P
 
You don't sound pathetic at all. That train of thought sounds very familiar to me, since I've always been pretty sensitive about my weight and get very defensive if I think I'm being picked on. Most of the time it's not picking though, it's just people trying to be supportive in their own ways. My wife's one of the lucky ones as well - she's weighed more or less the same throughout our 10-year marriage, and she seems to eat as much as I do... She doesn't comment on my weight that often, and I know she does that just to encourage me or give me a mental kick in the rear, but still even those words sometimes sting. Not because they're harsh, but because they come from a loved one.
 
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Not too insecure?

Thanks for your words... Not sure why but hearing them from a man who is understanding meant more...
good luck with yours!~p
 
Supporting someone you care about when they are trying to lose weight is difficult, you never quite know the right things to say... best he can do is not be abad influence, still go out to dinner, but choose healthier places, don't eat aroudn you the stuff he knows you're trying to avoid... He sounds like a real keeper - you're lucky...

and you're doing so great... :D
 
Isn't it funny how those closest to you can hurt you so easily (though unitentionally)! I understand where you're coming from. My husband of 15 years has NEVER been overweight. He makes very few comments about my weight. Logically, I know that if being fat was going to drive him away, he would have left a long time ago. He loves me for me. So, when he does say something, however well intentioned, it cuts to the core.

Hang on to your guy. Be as open as you can about it, particularly how day to day your feelings may change. He could say "You look good today Honey!". One day you could take that at face value and feel good about how he complimented you. The very next day (heck, sometimes even the next hour:eek: ) he could say the exact same thing and you think "What, I look bad other days?" and be mad at him.

Keep the communication open!
Good job on your progress so far!!! Your trip sounds great. We'll all want to see pics you know!

Nice to meet you, and keep up the good work!
 
Well I set up the basement for the elliptical trainer to be set up in front of the TV! I was talking to my bf about all the work I had done and he asked,"Are you more excited about the elliptical or about Cuba?"
I said,"CUba, of course! but the elliptical is a necessary part of me enjoying Cuba, feeling good in a bathing suit etc. I want to feel good about myself."
He said, "I can't wait for that to happen..." (I started to feel insecure:( ) "...because I know how I feel about you, and I can't wait until you realize how amazing you are! And if it takes you losing weight to feel that way then..."
I just about cried... how can one man be so sweet? :eek:

Ya I know, shut up... enough with the sappy stuff....!

~P
 
AWWWW! He does sound incredible. My hubbie has always told me I am beautiful..even at my heaviest. It's hard to believe sometimes when you feel so crappy about yourself, but somehow they just keep sticking around and telling you the same thing....eventually you beleive it too! Youe keep up the good work and positive attitude and you'll be ready for Cuba in NO TIME!
 
Well I have been away from my diary this week because I have been busy with my nieces. I know, I know... lots of you have kids and you post all the time... But when a single girl, gets two kids on her for a week, it throws things for a loop!
Biggest struggle this week has been paying attention to what I am eating. I have been careful, but I have not been paying attention to my calorie count at all, I have been trying to keep it in my mind what the total for the day could be but I have not been logging it. I have not had anything that I shouldn't for the most part despite the kids having treats.
I have however been doing my work out every day on the elliptical trainer. Nice thing is, these girls are close to the teen years and they like to sleep in, so I can usually get my work out done before they are even conscious! I am now up to forty minutes in one stretch! That's pretty huge but my goal is still to go for 60 minutes, (To watch an entire Oprah episode while working out!) We PVR Oprah every day! :) So I have several episodes recorded on my satelite receiver!
So anyway I have joined the biggest loser club, and was actually nominated to be the girls' team captain! Yikes! That's crazy, me the captain! I need the motivation, not the other way around! I think that's probably why they nominated me, for that extra encouragement for me!? Well we will have to see what tomorrow's weigh in will be??? :eek:
I'm a little scared...
Today is my one niece's 13th birthday and instead of making her a cake with frosting etc... I bought some mini angel food cakes that I am going to serve with low fat whipped cream and strawberries. The calorie total for those are pretty low, as is the fat... Hey it's better than chocolate or ice cream cake, which I would not be able to have in my house without diving right in!
She wants nachos for supper so I am going to make a seperate plate for me with baked chips, and no cheese sauce... That's my plan, I think it will work!?
Oh.. and we are going bowling today too, that's a bit of a work out too right?
Anyway I should go drag those girls butts out of bed!
Hope everyone else is doing good!?
 
Sounds like you are doing the best you can with ahouse full of teenage gals!!! Your still getting your workouts in and trying to keep the eating in check...I know you will be just fine! Have fun with the while you have them!
 
Thanks for the good thoughts!
It is after supper, and I am actually really full for the first time since I started this lifestyle thing... I planned ahead, I didn't think that I would overeat but I thinkthe old portion size got away on me :(
Those nieces go home tomorrow, but I also have a wedding to go to on Saturday... Yikes...
I can be strong... I will be strong.... I hope:eek:
 
ewww... I am now going to bed after eating sushi... as I said it's my niece's birthday and she wanted to make sushi tonight, so we had dinner, we had her bday cake, and now we had sushi as an evening snack. We are going to bed early because we had such a big day... but that means I am going to bed with a full belly... I don't like that idea...
O well I guess sushi isn't as bad as other choices before bed? Sushi is fairly healthy except the rice...
K, gotto go and get these girls to bed...
Boy this is hard work, how do you mom's do it???:rolleyes:
:p
weigh in tomorrow for my club... yikes... not too optimistic about it!?
~P
 
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