Breezyy's First Diary!

goals

Dear Breezy, Through it all you are doing awesome and are continuing to manage well. When I was faced with a major major choice I threw caution to the wind and went for it because I knew one day EVERYTHING WOULD WORK OUT. It was an extreme choice. The price in terms of my mental health was severe and I left a wake of well, trouble, behind me. Hopefully you will have better judgement than I as you go along. Good luck with everything. Hold on to your hat! It looks like you are entering new territory! Its exciting and scary but not if you get your help in place before you take that leap. I think you should write.
 
Hey Breezy, it's not just the chips you're craving, but also the feelings they USED TO create for you. Food like that no longer creates comfort, because you have changed your feelings about food, and you know that real comfort comes from looking and feeling better every day.
Now you have to find a new way to make yourself feel better, because simply eating something "bad" carries with it so many other negative feelings that it just won't do the trick.

It's kinda dumb, but it eventually helps make the fat loss easier for us. If you want to search for some new comfort foods, look in areas like Bananas Foster or wafer cookies; foods that you can eat, and enjoy eating, but have enough calories that you try to limit how much of them you eat.

Try some high quality crackers, maybe? Comfort food is good for us to have available, but it's a bad thing to abuse. Knowing that the pure "starch+fat" combination isn't going to do the trick for you, you may want to avoid looking elsewhere, but just realize that chips or fries are simply wasted calories now.

Personally, one of my big comfort foods is General Tso's Chicken with the spicy-sweet red sauce. It's high calorie, but still contains good nutrition, and I love the stuff.
 
You are right Qjay its the feelings they used to create and the old habit of turning my emotions towards food.

The important thing is we are all learning to recognizing those old habits, reaching for those chips a year ago I wouldn't of thought twice about it.

I am in a new place, you are right too Happy. Not only do I and did I change my thinking of food, habits, emotions. I am now changing what out I want ouf my life.. I want so much more then I ever did before. I use to be content with making minimal pay, doing the same thing for the last 15 years. I just don't know what yet.. I have ideas, I have dreams , just putting them into reality is another thing.
 
i'm glad you're feeling better and that you told your friend. that was a big step for you. you seem to be making lots of those lately hehe and that is great.
i think its awesome you have dreams and that you want more. and why shouldn't you? people sometimes realize too late that they want to do something completely different and then they regret not making that step earlier in their life. you're still young. you still have a lot going for you and whatever decision you make i'm sure it will be the one you won't regret after.

have a wonderful sunday and lots of sunny wheather :) Lena
 
If you do creative writing, try this simple exercise:
Write a few one page descriptions of how your perfect life is going to be in one year, five years, and ten years. Go crazy on it, but try to keep it a little realistic; don't "win the lottery" to get money, but describe what you are doing for a living, or if you invested your earnings wisely enough to retire, and how you did it, etc. Describe how you feel, what you look like, and how you dress, where you live, etc.
If you feel like you want to do several versions, go right ahead; just remember that it's basically a game of "Let's Pretend", but it has to be within the realm of possibility. For example, going back to school and getting a Master's Degree which gets you into an incredibly perfect job might not be an attainable goal in one year (unless you are already close), but it is possible in 5-10 years.

Don't feel like you need to share these with anyone, either, just write a few descriptions of how you WANT life to be, then describe the ways you "did" it and you might see that it can really help you decide which steps you want to take next.

I really get a thrill reading about how your year of trials and tribulations has changed things for you, both for the better and for the worse. It gives me something I don't get very often; a positive outlook toward the future. For me, some of the things you see as really bad, I look at as "it could be a lot worse".

Even the stolen truck and bounced checks; imagine if he had stayed, or they REALLY decided to put the screws to you and sold your info instead of just "accidentally overcharging" you. I'm not much of an optimist, but this is one area where expecting the worst out of people can actually show how bad things COULD be.
 
Sounds like a good idea Qjay.. I might just try that! Although that is such a hard question, where do you want to be in 5 years. But the "Lets Pretend" mind set might make it easier, since I don't have to be all serious but not dramatic either. My diet hasn't been the best these last few days just because of all these emotions I've had. I haven't ate out of control and gone all crazy but still ate some things I shouldn't have.

I was light on the exercise this weekend, mostly just did yoga / pilates tapes at home. Its been a "thinking" weekend I guess you could say :)

I know my life could be so much worse, with all I have been through in the last year because of my ex I think of where I would be if it had not happened. I'd still be sad, probably 350lbs, and unhealthy. So that split was the best thing that ever happened to me, although 1 year ago I would of answered that completely different, I thought it was the end of the world..

Off to do some cleaning... yipee! :)
 
A book I found..

So at Borders last week I bought a book called.."Passing for Thin" its not a "how to" its the story of a woman who lost 150lbs or so, her obsession with food since she was a child and dealing with her new life.

I'm only partly into it but it is really good. I'll let you all know how it is when I finish it :)
 
Stepped on the scale this morning curious to find out if my last few days I gained any weight, still says 186.. whew

Tonight is dinner at my mom's again, I'm going to call her and tell her not to cook something fattening! Anyways off to work yay, I'm don't want to, I no longer love my job...wait I take that back I love my job, I don't like the company..
 
It sounds like you have some great ideas going on :D
I have been in that position before where I loved what I did but not the people I had to do it around. You'll get through it all ;)
 
it's always the end of the world when a relationship ends. but it does get easier because you know that you can get past it.
That sounds like a really interesting book. I love memoirs. Let me know how it is.
Oh, and there is a time in everyone's life when we hate the company we work for, the people we work with etc. The best advice i have ever recieved is 'just work through it'. It's really the only thing that you can do, and just saying that to myself keeps me sane. Also, just focus on the part you love, and dream about what changes would make you happier.
It's always amazing when we tell ourselves that we can't have that dream job. But I have found that if I let myself dream up a (realistic) different version of my job, or what I want to do, and ignore that ugly voice in my head who says I can't do it, I find that there is an acheivable goal.
So, just remember, if you are that unhappy, you are the writer of your story, it's up to you to make changes.
 
Rainy day here so of course just added to my not wanting to be at work! I'm off to the gym to hopefully get a little cardio in before dinner at my Mom's. I know if I don't go now I won't go after!

I started writing how I want my life in 1 year story and I can get through all of it, from my clothes, my dogs, where I live, what I'm doing for the day.. just can't get through what I do for a living! I don't expect to change my career overnight, this will take time and probably need to go back to school. So I will work on that part, but I do know I may need to change the company here within the next year, especially if they don't pay me what I deserve. One of the things I have learned through all this last year is I no longer will accept people using me in personal or professional relationships. Its all about me now :) Alright off to the gym before I run out of time!

Thanks for your thoughts and replies :)
 
Hey Breezy, Hope things are going well for you these last few days, I haven't had a chance to read up on your diary. ..I'll try to catch up soon though!

Keep up the hard work.
 
Long day and I'm so sleepy for once ! Heading to bed somewhat early for me. I made it to the gym tonight for 20 mins cardio, 20 mins circuit. It was pooring rain when I left so I had to run and I parked along ways away ! There is never any parking at my gym.

Food was ok today, although I'm hungry right now, even after dinner at my moms. I didn't each much because she made ribs and I don't eat meat especially on a bone! So I had salad, rice, and steamed veggies. Not bad but i'm hungry! So I had a glass of milk and now I'm off to bed.

Nothing dramatic today :)
 
So a little exciting thing today, ok maybe its a little weird but I think you will all get the point !

I went to the gym tonight and I actually wore a tank top! I don't think I have walked out of the house with my arms showing since I was a sophmore in a high school and that was a super long time ago! It felt nice to be proud of the way my body is changing. I wasn't ashamed of my body, I didn't feel like everyone was staring at me. It felt great!

Ok so just one of those little moments I'll always remember.. Its not always a number on a scale :)

Really starting to look into different food options I need to find a way for more protein since I don't eat much meat. Going to the grocery story on Thursday night after the gym so my goal for tonight and tomorrow is to make a list of some new foods, to change things up a little and give me some more variety besides all my easy convenience foods. I actually want to cook omg hehe I hate cooking too :) Well maybe I used too!

At work today I brought up my review to my immediate supervisor and I'm comfortable talking to him since I trained him.. (yeah you read that right!) Told him how much I want to make and told him everything that is said in this review will help me base my decision. He understands and he isn't the one who will make the decisions about my pay and if I have any kind of a future at this company or if I'm just stuck, but maybe he'll fight for me. We'll see.. soon I'll know, which couldn't be soon enough I'm ready to start the next changes.

I admit sometimes I wish this was all over but it will never be over as I'll always have to pay attention to what I eat, watching signs of old bad habits surfacing, dealing with my emotions. I have some big choices coming up like deciding where I will live, where I will work, I feel like my life is on hold sort of until I'm at my goal weight and until I get this review.. But on the bright side the review is almost here, I'm getting close to my goal, 40lbs hopefully less when I weigh Thursday! :) I'm excited about my future and ready for it to happen now! :)

Ok off to read a bit of my book, its a different story, the woman who is dealing with her weight loss actually attends AA style meetings, but for food, even a sponsor who writes her meal plans each week so she doesn't have to think about what she will eat I honestly did not know that type of program existed and I thought I'd tried every thing possible! But I guess there all the same, and its up to us which one will be successful :)



Calories = 1284 (need more!) will have a few more before I sleep

Exercise = 45 mins Cardio eliptical 1 min fast, 5 mins slow

Thoughts = Scrambled, not bad just alot of ideas and wish it could all be right now. Patience is a virtue tho right :p

Anyone have a good book for recipes? I bet I can find a bunch online! I'll look a few up now!
 
Wow I almost forgot what today was!

:eek: :eek: 1 year of being single and changing my life!:D :D

Brief Timeline of the last year...

Jan 06.. 300lbs

Was planning my wedding for Feb 07 (omg that would be now!) Thought to myself there is no way I'm walking down the aisle looking like this.

Started Jenny Craig

Feb 06 - last weigh at Jenny was Feb 19th, 15 lbs lost
Weight 285

Relationship fails Feb 20, I went into depression and quit eating. Never in my life had an experience caused me to NOT eat, I usually went straight to the ice cream..I did not eat for almost 3 weeks and had no desire for food.. At that point I started getting sick from it and my friends and family started making me eat, even if it was just a V8 to get some vitamins. I didn't sleep, and wouldnt even go in the bedroom.. I slept on the couch for 45 days.

Mar 06 - Lost 20lbs from my depression.
Weight 265

Mid March started eating gradually, small meals once a day. Still made me sick. Started feeling better but was still taking it day by day. Mar 31 couldn't stand it anymore and moved from the apartment to break free of the memories still lingering there. A new puppy was given to me to help brighten my spirits since my ex took mine. She was my savior! New Puppy, moved, it was time to wake up and get a grip of my life.

April 06 - Another 10 lbs lost from the depression
Weight 255

My mom took me to the family Dr. he scared the hell out of me. I knew he was right and I had to eat, he put me on a 1200 calorie diet, and told me I better come back once a month for labs so he can monitor me.

May - August 06 Consistently loosing each month
end of August I weighed 220.

Eating healthier, still had a hard time with food but I knew not eating wasn't the way so made myself eat. I mostly worked on me, emotionally and getting myself together, also had to work on the desire to eat and realize that could turn into another problem if I didnt fix it. People are noticing, clothes are way too big. Still had a Curves membership from one of my other "tries" to loose, started exercising slowly.

Sept - Nov 06
Thanksgiving weight 212lbs

Joined Pure Fitness early September started working out more. Moved my way up from the bike to eliptical. Food was normal 1200-1300 calories, tried to start eating more since I was exercising harder. Alot of soul searching. alot of questions from people How are you doing it!

Dec-Now!! 26lbs lost since Thanksgiving, no weight gains over the holidays still loosing.

Current weight 186 (as of last Thrusday)

Its one year later and I'm happy its over, its time to celebrate! :) :D :)

I still eat roughly 1200 calories a day which on some days I struggle for, I still go to the dr monthly for labs, only had that one low vitamin levels just recently. I'm a different person, inside and out. My inner beauty I lost so long ago with hurt and pain is now back :)

Well thats a brief timeline so I could remind myself of all I've done this last year..

Thanks for listening, and being my support :)
 
wow, it's amazing to see all of the struggles you have pulled through in just a year! I am so happy that your puppy is such an uplifting thing for you! Animals are so amazing that way. You have come so far!
 
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