Bluemomma's Diary

bluemomma

bluemomma

New member
Ok so I cant' find the other one I started and for the life of me, I cannot remember what I called it :p. (and yes I've written the title of this one down LOL)

Anyhoo... I'll recap..... started back serious on the ol' diet and exercise gambit on June 28th. So June 28, 29 and 30th I did both HIIT cardio for 20 mins and weights, altering between upper and lower body (did lower body 28th, then upper, then lower).

Today is July 5th and I'm back at it (took the long weekend off). I did my gym thing this morning - more HIIT cardio and weights. Today though, instead of doing the recumbant bike, I did some running on a treadmill. It was bloody murder but I figure if it hurts, then I'm doing it right :). LOL

Food for 28, 29 and 30th was good. Long weekend..... not going there but not as bad as it coudl have been.

Today has been a day of shredded wheat, celery, tomatoes, carrots, avocado, pear, apple, 2litres of water, 8 soda crackers and two slices of no fat cheese, a homemade oatmeal cookie (my bad) and two cups of coffee w/ milk and sugar. Oh, and two yogurt cups (70 cals/combined). Tonight will be something grilled..... not sure what but it's BBQ and BBQ is ALWAYS tasty :). Oh, and I've had my protein shake for the day too!

Not happy with my reflection and go out of my way to *hide* (cover mirrors, long tops, etc). Oh, and I'm up one pound.... though I'm not worried about that too much as you can fluctuate within a 5 lb range in any given day. Oh and of course, as usual, took all my vitamins: multi/prenatal, dandelion root, vitamin c, d, b complex (2), A, and Calcium/magnesium.

I've given up on buying salad... goes bad before I can eat it. I'm going to stick with raw veggies that I can tolerate and that's easy to grab and go -- like today I have a container full of carrots, tomatoes, and celery. Works for me.

Still feeling discouraged but trying to look on the bright side and think positive; like, I got my exercise in today and have done well with food so that's excellent. One day down, and many more to go.

Cheers,
bluemomma
 
Hey

I know how you are feeling, I've been there, I still visit sometimes. I found that what help me is to take care of me. Every Sunday night before the work week starts I do the home spa thing you know I take a shower wash my hair and give it a mosturising treatment, use a body scrub, when I get out I blow dry my hair do my toe nails and if there is time left I do my nails. As a result my hair is shinny and starting to grow back, my skin is way softer ( I also mosturise every day and I used Bio Oil on the strech marks they do not disapear but they are getting paler) My toes a cute. I change the thing I can, those things you see instant results, that helps big time as an ego boost! The weight lost thing is long and frustrading and I don't always get the results I want, but I am still feeling better about myself cause I took the time to take care of me. I know with a young child not easy I always wait till the kiddos are sleeping to have a little me time! You are worth it!!!
 
At least you can reach your toes!! LOL. Well.... I shouldn't say I CAN'T reach mine but it's a struggle; that damn pooch belly is driving me nuts. I've decided to start setting money aside -- a little at a time..... for abdominoplasty. I am probably going to need it. My goal is to lose as much fat as possible, and then, once I'm satisfied I've gone as far as I can, if I need to, I will have the tummy tuck done. I refuse to be depressed for the rest of my life.

I need to do something with my nails too -- they keep splitting? It's very weird. I have lots of thyroid symptoms but still waiting on teh bloodwork.... we shall see. It will probalby come back normal and then the doc will jsut do the usual and telll me to not be such a pig and eat less. Pffff ROFLMAO

Today I feel big - it's weird, I've started back at the gym and I'm eating lots of veggies and fruit but I seem to be gaining inches??? Makes no sense. I didn't get to the gym today - yesterday I wound up jogging/running instead of using the bike because someone else was already on it.... OUCHIES.... my quads are killing me hehe. It's all good though; the soreness actually feels good believe it or not. :) I just want this friggin fat to go away..... it's really irritating me. It's interfering with my quality of life and I hate it. One day at a time....... as frustrating and demotivating as that is sometimes. But I will endeavour to persevere.

Anyhow, let's just keep trying and we'll get there :). I'm trying to be optimistic. Today is tough... especially with all the hard work I've been doing and the only noticeable change seems to be an INCREASE in clothing size. Oh, and I've gained weight on the scale. 1.5 lbs. Nice huh? LOLOL

Cheers,
Bluemomma
 
the damn scale just doesn't work with us sometimes! It's frustrading but it can be done! Have you tried setting mini goals? It works for me I can discouraged by big numbers so I aim for 2lb a week or 1lb if it's TOM! Salt makes you retaine water too so you end up weighing more! Mabee one of those thing is the reason you have seen a gain. Keep working out don't throw in the towel, it will be hard. Since the weight didn't happen overnight the loss will not either! That is why I do the Spa Sundays cause at least with that I get to see instant results cheers me up!
 
July 8, 2010

Ok so let's see if this works today (tried posting yesterday and kept getting error message).

Today I didn't exercise, as I did yesterday and my legs were so sore! Holy freakin quads batman! Phew!! LOL. Felt great to be sore though, and I still am. I also managed to squeeze in some abdominal work too. YAY :).

Today as I said, no exercise. Went to see the doctor....... guess what? BLOODWORK CAME BACK NORMAL ROFLMAO....... just like I said it would. So then she proceeds to tell me that she's at a loss to explain why I feel like crap. Then she asked me teh dumbest question ... "are you feeling ill over your weight?". Umm... excuse me where have you been for the last... oh I dunno 3 years????? YES!!! YES!!! YES!! She then asked me if I wanted to see a nutritionist. Not that I'm not a fan of nutritionists, and not to say I know everything because God knows I don't BUT....... the last time I went to see a nutritionist, I was looking at an individual who was significantly more overweight than me who had the nerve to ask me if I knew what a portion size was. I'l be honest, and I am not trying to be rude, but I was so shocked at seeing a severely overweight nutritionist, before I could catch my own tongue I blurted out "do you?!?!?". Anyhoo, long story short, my doc has prescribed Meridia to me. I'm not thrilled about the idea but she is convinced based on teh data I've given her that there is definitely SOMETHING wrong wtih my metabolism (she's a genius.... yes, I'm being sarcastic :p) . So.... I begin tomorrow morning with the pills and then check back with her in 4 weeks. I hope I don't get any of the side effects!

Stay tuned........
bluemomma
 
July 9, 2010

I was going to exercise this morning and I'm still feeling guilty that I didn't. I didn't sleep well last night (and got to bed later than usual so I'm wiped) and I got to thinking about the fact that I'm starting new meds this morning that will affect my metabolism and that I might want to wait a few days just to see how I react to it. Part of me says *oh that's just an excuse*, but the more logical part of my brain says *good idea*. The last thing I need to do is wind up hurting myself or getting sick because I am on new meds and shouldnt' have exercised as hard or whatever. A few days of rest probably won't hurt my progress in the long run (pun unintended).

Food today is going to be interesting. I didn't have time to do groceries last night so I didn't *bring* anything for lunch today. Still, I have healthy options; the cafeteria offers veggies and salads or I can go to the grocery store down the street and get something similar. I may treat myself to a sandwich.... we'll see.

On a more positive note, I am feeling good about having the medication to boost my metabolism. I feel like I have some *help* instead of doing all kinds of exercise and eating properly and feeling like I might not see results because I know deep down I have some kind of metabolic issue. I guess in a way, the meds make me feel a bit more confident that I'll see some results as long as I keep up the good work. Maybe that sounds weird, but it is, what it is.

Stay tuned.....
bluemomma
 
Uggh. I would LOVE to have some help with my metabolism! lol. Keep up a positive attitude (even when sometimes ya wanna scream!) and stay focused and everything will go in the direction you're headed :)
 
Been several days since I've been online........ PC issues.

So today is another s**t day; went to the doc. Unrelated to weightloss incidentally. But what's really irritating me is every time I go to a doctor's office or medical centre, I see some woman with one or more kids and an infant anywhere from 0- 6 months and she's BONE SKINNY. WTF did I do WRONG???????????????????????? I am so f**king tired of this!!! My meridia has apparently not kicked in -- no noticeable change and to add insult to injury, last night I saw my reflection in a tank top -- my damn arms have CELLULITE.

)(*#%@&^)!@&^*(#$^#&%^@&*#%^)#^#@% !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY am I huge? I count calories, I am CONSISTENTLY below 2000/cals day. I am exercising 3-5 times per week doing HIIT cardio and weights. I do not drink anything outside of water and diet soda. I don't do chips, no butter, cookies/candy, no ice cream, no fatty meals like chicken with teh skin or Wendy's burgers. I don't do condiments taht are fattening including salad dressing; I don't do cheese (unless it's the Kraft fat free slices). I only have up to 2 slices of bread/day.

I AM SO F**KING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING FAT FOR NO F**KING REASON!!!!!!!!!!! IF I WAS LIVING OFF JUNK FOOD I'D UNDERSTAND BUT I'M LOSING MY MIND!!!!!!!!!

God bless my poor husband for being patient but even he is getting annoyed with me being bummed about my weight -- not that I blame him. He wants to see me happy but it's like WTF do I have to do here???????????????

I refuse to believe that my natural state is *fat*. That makes no biological sense whatsoever.

so........ I guess this means I'm not having a good day. Sorry. That concludes the rant for this session. Excuse me......... I'm going to go cry in the ladies room for the next 45 mins or so.

Oh and honey, if you're reading, don't bother taking anything down for supper, I won't be eating. I'm big enough thanks. :( I'll have a blueberry. That seems to be the limit of my calorie intake to lose weight.

bluemomma
 
Hang in there! Everything takes time. If the meds are gonna work, they're not gonna work right away. I know its tough sometimes to work hard and not see the progress as a result, but you've gotta keep trying. You know you definitely won't see progress if you won't try, right? And some day, when you're at your GW, you're still going to have to work hard and watch your intake, and you know you won't have the scale progress to keep you going then right? Just think, at least you're not going backwards!
 
Blue,
Boy have I been in your exact shoes before. I distinctly remember lying in bed one night thinking, what if I am just genetically fat. Then I thought about my brother who is a loser alcoholic, drinks a case of beer a day and he is freaking ripped. So I figure I have the same genes he does.


Anyway, something has to be misfiring somewhere! I will say the first thing is that you are believing in the scale! The scale does not accurately tell you how well or how bad you are doing. Stay off of it for a month or so. Buy something that measures bodyfat! Hey your dietician should be measuring your body fat. That is the most accurate way of tracking your progress.

Give me and example of two days of food for you. I don't need calories or anything just what foods you are eating.
 
Thanks guys.... I don't use a scale but once a week and it's not really reliable anyway cuz you can fluctuate within 5 lbs in any given day. I go by measurements (clothing and actual measuring thighs, waist, etc.).

Ok so food.... avg weekday is as follows (on weekends I eat less typically cuz I'm not paying attention and I get busy with stuff)

1 cup shreddies w/ 1/2 cup skim milk and 1 tsp sugar
2 source yogurt cups (70 cals combined)
1 med apple
1-2 litres of water
1-2 cups of coffee with skim milk and 2 tsp sugar each
6 -10 baby carrot sticks
3-6 grape tomatoes
1 full celery stick
1 sandwich on whole wheat (usually canned pink salmon with no fat mayo)
1 piece of fruit (typically bananna or pear.... sometimes avocado or grapes depending)

Supper is a lean meat of some kind and sometimes a salad (or sometimes I"ll just have one thing like 1 hamburger (lean beef) with no fat cheese and a little ketchup and mustard and relish). If I get really busy sometimes I"ll just repeat the morning bowl of shreddies or shredded wheat for supper cuz it's quick (but not often).

That's it.

I'm 5'4"..... I don't think wanting to be a size 6/8 is unreasonable, unattainable or un-MAINtanable. Not when I know folks my height who are anywhere from 3-5.

I'm just really frustrated and I want to be able to wear nice clothes again. I have a great wardrobe awaiting me...... if I can ever get back into it. It's not fair. I worked really hard to get where I was and now I'm huge again and I did NOTHING to get this big other than get pregnant. I've been wearing stretch pants and maternity tops to work because that's all I have that fits. I feel awful all the time and embarassed. Problem is, every time I try to go shopping, I leave in tears and don't eat for three or four days, and feel like hurting myself so I can't go shopping without risking my mental health.

This f**king sucks. :(

Thanks for the encouragement though....... I needed it today!

bluemomma
 
bluemamma, try not to be so negative :) Staying positive will help you stay motivated. You can't change the past, but you can control the future. Don't worry about how you used to be or the bad choices in the past, only worry about how you are now and how you can fix it. Set some realistic goals and work towards them. Turn it into a real logic problem, rather than an emotional one, and it'll be loads easier. Be flexible - if you don't lose as much as you'd like 1 week, its ok to frown at that for a second, but then move on and start working on next week. Feeling bad about anything isn't going to change anything.

Clothes can be a very negative or a very positive thing, depending on your view on them. Its ok to have some clothes lying around or tucked away into your closet that you hope to fit into some day, but you make it sound like you have a full wardrobe of clothes you can't wear. Maybe go out and buy some nice clothes that fit you now and make you look stunning as you are! I know shopping can be tough, especially if you bring someone with you. Go by yourself, and don't worry about what the size the tag says. Attractiveness is not about size, its about how you feel about yourself.

I know, if I go shopping with my wife, I usually end up not buying anything because I don't want to get the bigger sizes that fit me. Even just recently, I got a new polo and my wife took a 3XL off the rack and brought it over to me, and I took a look at it and said she should go get me the 2XL. Sure enough, got it home and its a bit too tight. Maybe after I take another 20lbs off or so it'll fit comfortably. Until then, it'll sit in the closet, while m wife complains that I never wear any of the new clothes she buys me. I have a few shirts in my closet from my birthday in march that I haven't worn at all because they are a bit too tight. My wife keeps complaining that I haven't worn them and keep wearing the same shirts over and over again, and I'm too embarassed to tell her that I put on 30-40lbs after my surgery in december, and it'll take a few more months to get back to where I was.

On the other hand, I have some clothes I bought when I was 475+ lbs. Some of them are so rediculously big I can't wear them anymore. I gave my dad a couple shirts, after only being able to wear them for a season. I have 2 pairs of khakis with an elastic relaxing band in the waist - only on the sides and hidden, not the full scrunched up elastic waist band. They were tight when I first bought them. Now, they're so rediculously huge that my wife and I can both fit in them together, but you know what? I'm wearing one of those pairs right now. Actually, almost every pair of pants I own, I can pull on and off without even undoing the button or zipper. I actually have a couple pairs of regularly khaki shorts that I bought right when I was at my biggest, and I can nearly get both legs into one half of the shorts. They're even too big to wear with a belt. I'm probably going to keep those for the eventual "hold up a giant pair of pants you used to wear next to your new slimmer body" picture, along with my giant khaki pants.

So what I'm getting it, while it will be a huge feeling when I start being able to fit into some of my small clothes again, you don't get that until near the end of the journey. Its also a great feeling to feel the big clothes keep getting looser and looser as the weeks go on, and its a continuously motivating feeling. And then it feels good to give the big clothes away to sort of symbolize your commitment to not going back to how you were before. And then maybe in a couple months, you buy some knew clothes that fit, and it feels even that much more better (yes I said more better :p) when the second round of new clothes start getting too loose. See where I'm going with this? Continuous motivation, not just a reward at the end. And, you'll feel much better about yourself in some nice clothes that fit you as you are and make you look stunning. Size doesn't matter for that. You make it sound like yuo're just going around wearing sweat pants just waiting to be able to fit into your skinny clothes again, and if thats the case, its no wonder you get demoralized. When I got really big and I got down to just 1 or 2 pairs of pants I could wear and one of them finally wore out and ripped and I was down to one, I was pretty demoralized... but, I couldn't get by on one pair of pants for my job, so I had to give in and tell my wife it was time for us to go find me some new pants that fit me. Thats the day I got those khakis I was talking about earlier. Wasn't a very fun day...
 
Jul 19, 2010

Thanks Mar1984........ I appreciate the encouragement. I don't always have bad days, just sometimes. I'm just really irritated with all of this because there is no logical reason for me to be overweight. None at all.

I am demoralized. Yes I have an ENTIRE wardrobe waiting. Tshirts, blouses, pants, skirts, boots, shoes, tank tops, dresses, jackets, vests, etc.

I can't wear any of it. I don't want inbetween clothes. I REFUSE to spend good money on clothes I feel horrible in anyhow.

I always shop alone if I even DARE to do it. I've tried several times. I leave empty handed and in tears. I don't eat for days. I don't do anything but lie around and try to avoid thoughts of hurting myself. I actually picked up a knife once but then thought about my son and husband and though better of it. I don't answer the phone. I don't exercise.... I don't do housework....... NOTHING. So.... I figure THAT is worse for my health than trying to get through each day wearing stretch pants and tshirts.

I've tried in the past to buy nice work clothes, even if it was a really big size. So a few times in the past I managed to go out and spend good money on an outfit and I still felt like crap in it. I looked in the mirror and instead of thinking gee that looks pretty nice, I go "yeah... I'm still fat and I look frumpy as hell in this". So that doesn't help either. I can't hide the fact that I'm fat and no matter how nicely I could try to dress it up, I'm still fat; period. Until that changes I'm not going to be happy.

I motivate myself by keeping a calendar of each day that I exercised. That helps a lot because at the end of the week I can look back and go *wow! I went to the gym 4 days this week* etc. And then I want to do more because it's one more day behind me. One more day of extra calories burned (we hope).

Today I took my blood pressure and it's still good so I can stay on the Meridia. I haven't lost a pound after 9 days in ROFL. I'm not surprised... so much for their purported 1-2 lbs/week loss LOL.

I'm going to take measurements tonight and recheck after 2 weeks. That's the true test to see if I'm losing fat. If I am, the numbers will shrink no matter what the scale says. I will keep everyone posted.

I think the biggest issue with all of this is teh *why*. I mean there has got to be a reason I'm not losing...... if I knew what that reason was, I think I'd be less frustrated but of course, I don't. Meh........ c'est la vie.

bluemomma
 
Oh and I almost forgot..... on a MUCH brighter note, I've almost got my home gym set up which I'm very excited about :). Will make exercising easier and more accessible :).

*** trying to stay positive here*** :)
 
I think your doing great so far so don't get discouraged. Do you keep a food log daily? I really recommend it as weight loss is only 20% working out and 80-% what is going in your mouth - not saying it's too much as sometimes it's too little. I recommend writing it down exactly for a week on here and you might gain some insight. Some things you might think are helping you could actually be the opposite. Wouldn't hurt to try. Keep it up - i'm sure it will start to come off soon!
 
HOME GYM! God, I'm jealous. I had hoped to one day put a little gym in my garage, but the mess in there is so outrageous that I don't think I'll EVER get one :rolleyes:

Try to maintain a positive attitude; sometimes its SOOOO hard to do, just keep remembering you hafta fight for what ya want. Some things aren't as easy to win as others; but you're mst definitely worth the prize. Keep it up!
 
July 20, 2010

Thanks chubbygirl :). Today was an okay day except I have an event for work to go to Thursday. I got to thinking that maybe I'd put on a dress that I have that's pretty big (if it will even fit). Then I talked myself out of it; if it doesn't fit at all, I'm going to turn into a sobbing wreck. If it fits but looks stupid, same result. I'm going to wear the usual. Yes I'm embarassed but I'm cornered here.

No exercise for two days; feel like crap. Home gym not ready and work hours makes working out tough but will try to persevere. Doesn't help that my husband who had gained about 15 lbs through eating crap food has lost it all in about 7 weeks. All he did was start working around the new house we bought in addition to regular drafting work. I am happy for him but also angry. He's bone skinny and I'm well......... let's not go there. Had one small piece of pizza tonight (got home late so it was a quick fix) and a small cinnamon bun and I feel completely guilty. I'd make myself puke if I could but of course, that's not healthy and unfortunately for me, impossible to do. I've tried before.

I feel like giving up. Then I think about the fact that if I do, I certainly won't lose weight. That's another thing... most every time I eat something more than a few carrots sticks or something, about 20 minutes later I have a major mood swing and not for the better. It seems kind of uncontrollable. Like.... I'll be happy or content at least and then all of sudden I have this incredible urge to just bawl. Very odd.

No idea if meridia is helping.... seemingly not.

bluemomma
 
I know.

Endomorph? Hoping not but.......... and yea I do know what it means -- I'm a fat chick waiting to happen pretty much no matter what I do unless I live like Arnold Schwarzneggar my whole damn life.

I know about eating for bodybuilding (macro nutrients, etc). I also know that it can be tough to do. I basically have to exercise my butt off (literally and figuratively) and eat food I hate. I don't like chicken breat, or lean beef or wahtever. I hate living on egg whites and protein shakes with leafy green tasteless crap beside it. I also know that's what I have to do. I hate not being able to say *sure, I'd love to have a slice of pie*. But I know I can't or it costs me.

Today has been especially tough. I actually called in sick to work because I had been asked to attend a public event on behalf of my unit and I was too embarassed to go because I tried on a few pairs of dress pants I thought would fit and well....... you know. Too ashamed to represent my unit wearing stretch pants and maternity wear.

Ok I'm crying again. Time to go.

Thanks for replying :)

bluemomma
 
Hey Alex,

Correct on all fronts. Yes I do have a vision. Actually it's not even a number on the scale as a scale doesn't measure *fat* it measures the amount of force gravity exerts on your total mass. I want to lose fat and see toned muscle; not unlike a bodybuilder's body but not THAT extreme. Of course, being female I'd have to work extremely hard to get that way without steroids but that's another story altogether.

I've done body for life before, which emphasizes most all of the points you've made. It did work; then I plateaued and shortly after that fell quite ill and the weight came back. But... life's like that. Sometimes you don't have a lot of control over when you get sick. That being said, I know it can be done. And yes, living in the past.... not healthy or feasible since no one has invented a time machine yet (can you imagine the cash cow THAT will be? lol). I think I'm still very angry about my current state simply because I worked so hard to get where I was and I feel like it was taken away from me unjustly. I guess I feel like I"m being punished or something. I didn't do anything other than get pregnant and POOF. So I"m upset about that because I look at it and think "yeah but I didn't just sit around eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream all day so wtf??". Fact is, I am, where I am. Period.

I have really bad days on here (as I'm sure you've noticed). I have good days too. I'd like to have more good days.

Today I'm beginning anew. My vision of me is less than 25% body fat. I'd like to be around 22%. Or, as I often gest, I'd like to pass *the jiggle test*. Basically there are only a few spots on my body that should jiggle when I jump LOL. If I can pass said test I know I"m good to go.

So that being said, I'm looking at adding a new piece of equipment for the home gym I'm building. I will focus on weight training during the week and more cardio on weekends (since I have more free time on weekends). I'll also be adding at least one good piece of cardio equipment to use (either treadmill or a bike) in addition to the weight equipment and the heavy bag I'm putting up. Ok seriously you can stop giggling now... I do know how to use a heavy bag LOL. :p I spent the better part of 15 years doing martial arts and I've also boxed/kick boxed. That's also a great cardio workout. For anyone who's tried it..... they know... 3 minute round is a LONG time when you're whaling on a heavy bag full force - feels like an eternity sometimes!

Ok time for my morning protein shake. Hey at least your body can't store unwanted/unused protein :p.

Thanks again Alex and yes, definitely of value and not a waste of time -- mine OR yours.

bluemomma
 
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