Blueberry's Diary

Diary

Oops... Well, stress and anxiety ruled a bit yesterday.. ~100g raisin binge and couldnt sleep until 3am. I'm glad that i woke up before 10am today though, i really dont want to keep waking up late. Didn't really do anything all day, had bad indigestion too, bleurgh. It's still there actually.

Good news yesterday, I found my local supermarket does super-cheap low-fat yogurt (0.1g per 100g). 4x100g pots for 40p, or 450g pot of bio yogurt for 30p! :biggrinjester: incredible.

Today, I'm going to a step class. Hopefully my knee is up to it.

Also, I weighed myself again this morning, and yep, I've lost a pound!
:party:
I am now 62.6kg, 138 pounds :) I've lost an inch around the thighs and stomach, and two inches around the bum. I'm rounding to whole inches so if i lost small amounts elsewhere I'm not certain. It looks like I need to loss ~2-3 inches to no longer have touching thighs, and ~4-5 on the stomach to go back to a size 10. Oh, I hope I can do it.

This certainly makes me feel like I want to exercise today to keep it up. I didn't stick to a 1500 calorie a day diet and i still lost it just by exercising regularly. This week the challenge to only eat 1500 calories is definitely in progress. To make sure I don't crash by over-obsessing though, I'm going to say i can eat up to 1800 calories on the exercise days. It's only week two after all.

Food Yesterday:
Breakfast, 10am: Muesli, raisins, banana, milk
between 12-2pm: blueberries, sultanas and a banana
lunch 3pm: rest of the potatoes, one slice of pizza
dinner: a mix of one tesco nut cutlet, red pepper, leek, a small egg, 1.5 'rolls' of tagliatelle, many brussel sprouts, mixed nuts, 3 tomatoes
snack, 8pm: raisins
binge eat, 10pm: raisins
water: 7 pints-?

Food Today:
Breakfast, 10am: 100g pot of yogurt, banana, last of the muesli (small amount), and some cheerios to bulk it out
Exercise time 12-2pm: over 3 bottles of water
Lunch, 3pm: Heinz lentil soup (oo it's so tasty) and an orange, a couple of nuts
snack, 5pm: some nuts
Dinner, 7pm: home made Thai Prawn Curry with medium egg noodles, an egg and lots of green beans.. mmm.. the actual curry is pretty much just prawns, spices and some coconut milk/chicken stock and some left over peppers/leek from yesterday
snack, 9: an apple
mindless depressed binge eating snack, 9:15: 60-70g of salted nuts. a mix of pecan, peanut and almond
 
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Well I went to the step class and it was great! I was really red-faced and it was low impact for my knee. I also used the electric scales afterwards out of curiosity and it read as 141 pounds (that is, after me drinking a lot of water and eating breakfast, so it was probably more like 139). I think that it's more likely I have had a steady weight but due to the fact my measurements have gone down, I'm not too fussed! I'm making a lot of progress :)

Next time I use the electric scales I'm going to compare with my home ones (which i used to measure 138).
 
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oops, well i just binge ate ~300 calories of nuts in about 5 minutes.. not going to feel good in half an hour.. just pretty depressed, kinda stuck in my head and my self esteem is making me look bad and ugly if i look in the mirror :smash: :banghead: im walking around, swinging my arms about, and marching on the spot to get this pent up energy to go else where, wish this kind of thing wouldnt happen so much.
 
Don't take it too hard! There's always tomorrow. I overeat too. It feels awful and then there's nothing you can do about it! But I just tell myself, this is my fault, so next time I won't do it. It's weird though, I always eat more ESPECIALLY when I'm doing something else at the same time, like reading or watching TV.
 
lindethiel said:
Don't take it too hard! There's always tomorrow. I overeat too. It feels awful and then there's nothing you can do about it! But I just tell myself, this is my fault, so next time I won't do it. It's weird though, I always eat more ESPECIALLY when I'm doing something else at the same time, like reading or watching TV.
Click to expand...

Thanks Lindethiel, I think I'll be alright with it as long as i can still fall asleep in an hour! its a lot to eat but id already managed to watch what i eat all day so its not so detrimental :eek:
 
Diary

Well, I slept for about 10-11 hours last night.. woke up by postman at 830, ate breakfast, fell asleep again for 3 hours..

today I'm going to a spin class and a HI/LO impact aerobics class.. spin is really hard, and i expect HI/LO to be a bit exhausting as well.. today is kind of an experiment to see how much i can push myself.

Also, since I dyed my hair I've been getting a lot of random comments from strangers, people coming up to me saying how much they like it, etc. I used to be dark brown but i just went for it and self-dyed it shades of blue, turquoise and forest green. it's like the sea or a carpet of moss in the sunlight, and very glossy and kinda pale. i love it. unfortunately the program to load pics from my phone wont work! i had hoped to use it to have before/inbetween pics as well. im considering buying another webcam sometime.

My housemate upstairs is serenading me with Age of Empires soundclips.. oo, I'm tempted.. though i have to go to my class in an hour. looking forward to steam room :eek:


Foody Things:
Breakfast, 830: cheerios, semi-skimmed milk, banana
snack to wake me up, 11:30: pot of fat free yogurt
another snack, not enough time for lunch, 1: afew nuts and an apple, a small amount of bread and peanut butter
exercise time, 2-430: 3 bottles. 1 during the 45min exercise, 1 in the steam room, 1 walking home. if i didnt have to rush (i walked a mile in under 15 minutes!) i can drink another one then too if it feels necessary.
snack, got home: ginger tea and some naan bread
dinner, 5: thai prawn curry, with a small amount of rice, an egg and a large amount of plain naan bread.
exercise time aerobics then yoga, 6-9: 2 bottles water, some orange juice
snack, 9: an apple
snack, 10: some nuts and some peanut butter

Spin was fantastic, i was actually dripping sweat.. but my breathing was fine, and i did about 80% of the class, so, very awesome.

HI/LO aerobics at 6o/c :) i didnt realise how close together they both are, and i spent way more time then usual in the steam room/sauna. hmm. i feel like im overdoing it. will see what happens
 
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The yoga class turned out to be almost purely meditative with a couple of informal lectures within 2 hours. it was very nice, balancing.

In total today ive done:
45 mins of spin
45 mins of a very energetic aerobics class
2 hours of breathing and meditating
probably walked about 6 miles ^_^ (which my house mate pointed out)

my knee is being a bit temperamental but i think in general i didnt go too overboard, at least i dont feel too bad. looking forward to sleeping. As for my diet ive drink maybe 7-8 bottles of water (yey) and ive eaten good foods though I've still not got a good balance going:

Percentages today:
Carbs: 54 (or 206g)
Protein: 12 (or 46g)
Fat: 34 (or 57g)

Also, I've probably just eaten about 2 tbsp's of peanut butter out of the jar again and continuing. something in me is feeling anxious.

Tomorrow, I'm going to go and meet someone from the uni service's eating disorder service to see if they have any pointers on self esteem related things and binge/nervous eating. I'm starting therapy next week, which shall be good, a place to vent things out, hopefully i can see someone once a week.
 
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Hello Blueberry,​

im hoping that with encouragement and by being more open with people, i can get over this and just return to my normal self.


Have you ever tried talk therapy? Sometimes it can help you sort through your problems, and have a better understanding of why we do the things we do...

Anyways,

I can very much relate to all of the issues you go through, ​

http://weight-loss.fitness.com/before-after-between/31887-i-lost-my-boobzzz-wanna-see-jk-p.html

Looks like you're putting quite the effort into turning yourself about. :hurray: That takes a lot of hard work, good for you!

Keep at it & Take Care :beating:

Laterz​
 
Hey RunningGirl :) yes, I'm starting therapy next week ^_^ I'm really looking forward to it, its taken me a long while to get the courage to go and sign up.. i lived 2 minutes from the counselling centre for a year!

Ah, reading that we do have a lot in common! :troll:

thanks for dropping by :)
 
Diary

I made a new friend today with someone from the eating disorder service, first for a long, long time.

My 'day of rest' has been fantastic. fantastic also cause of what i did yesterday :)

Walked for about an hour today.


Foody Things:
Breakfast: Cheerios, sultanas, milk
Snack, 12: banana
Large snack before going out, 1: some naan bread and peanut butter
Snack when out, 3: apple
snack got back, 4: naan bread and jam
Dinner, 7: rest of thai prawn curry (poured away alot of juice this time, so not so much fat), lots of green beans and brussel sprouts, tageliatelle, and some naan bread too
Snack, 830: banana

ive felt like eating all evening (suppose should of had dinner earlier) and been feeling real nervous in myself. however, given 15 minutes to buy milk i just went outside to get it, im normally why too indecisive, yey :)
 
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Diary

Today i was out all day. i didnt get round to doing one thing of exercise. I walked quickly for a half hour to a dance class and found it cancelled, and met friends in the uni beer garden nearby. wondered around the city market. towards 5pm my knee got so painful i got a headache, so my housemate and i ate out at a vegan cafe til i got better, then bussed it home.

Foody Things:
Breakfast, 10: cheerios, sultanas, semi-skimmed milk
Snack when out, 12: banana
lunch in beer garden, 1: potato wedges and half a pint of light ale
around the market, 2-4: a 'hot milk' drink with some white chocolate syrup, 2 dutch biscuits
dinner out: a vegan gluten-free butternut squash, cabbage and peanut bake with a med portion of rice and a salad with little servings of: couscous, beetroot, greens, pasta
afterwards, 6: binge ate a whole packet of yogurt covered crystalised ginger.. not a good thing..
snack to increase energy when back, 7: fat-free yogurt
many snacks and many glasses of water, trying to right myself, 8-11: 2 crumpets with jam/peanut butter, a small bowl of spinash/sweetcorn/green beans/brussel sprouts/blue cheese

when i came back, i got ill/had diarrhoea from the bad foods :( feel better now though, but got really fatigued and slurring my words and what-not. i didnt have enough water, i think, as well. however, despite the foods which werent good, i still kept it somehow to around 1500-1600 calories, which is good, but i may have some veggies later or something. in total ive probably walked for ~3 hours today.

Netto do 9p little tubs of fat-free yogurt! 9p, and i thought the 20p one was good... amazing stuff..

edit: well in the end ive prob ate about 2000-2200 calories today, oh well.
 
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Diary

Today has been a day of anxiety so far.. just not feeling right.

i just want to eat at the moment. i seem to have lost my gym gear somewhere, feel too indecisive to go swimming, or to do anything, so, i dunno. i have until 330 to get myself to the swimming pool (or gym if i find my kit).


Foody Things
breakfast, 7: cheerios, banana, milk
second breakfast (fell asleep), 10: cheerios and milk
anxious eating 11-130:
yogurt and sultanas
dutch biscuits
3 crumpets with peanut butter and jam
6: a spinash/tuna/sweetcorn mix
7: half can of lentil soup with leftover naan bread
6-7: aaaaand a pack of cookies, about 600 calories ¬_¬
about 2400 calories in total?

i think excercising twice in one day was too much, seem to have crashed in general, been anxious all day and thinking about food, how i look, didnt go out.. going to just stick with exercising once on each day again for 2 weeks, and try get back into eating normally again. hopefully this wont last for too long.

now for some 'think positively' magic.. if id bothered to go out tonight and decided to drink, i could of had 3 pints, which is about the same amount of extra calories anyways. obviously not the same in fat etc, but, worth a shot.
 
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im going to note down all the changes i feel from a day of eating bad or excessive food, which i suppose has carried on from yesterday..

feeling drowsy and sluggish
slurring my words.. guess yesterday was from the sugar as well
forcing myself to do regular things, like taking the washing line down or washing dishes
feeling sick
not being able to go to the toilet properly
windy
very bloated stomach
feeling lethargic
stomach pain/soreness
bumping into things when walking around/worse co-ordination
low attention span.. fading out when people talking to me, etc

im going to play instruments and see if it helps let off some pent up energy.. next door seem to be having a 'gathering', hopefully it wont piss them off too much.. drinking a lot of water..
 
Diary

OK, well, due to the last couple of days I'm going to experiment today and see if I can bring down the amount of fat I eat and eat bulky veggie things. i could say sugar as well but i want to continue eating fruit and things.

i have relinquished my cookies onto my housemate.. i think thatll do in terms of foods i dont want to eat (who is now scoffing them down for breakfast with his coffee, i noticed).

I'm still anxious, unfortunately. means i dont want to go outside. no idea if ill exercise.
 
Diary: Second Entry of the Day

Actually, I'll start again tomorrow, and give myself the time i need to recover mentally. may turn out i can start doing 2 exercises again just once a week instead of twice.
monday: morning yoga and 'body tone' class
tues: morning yoga and step class
wed: off
thurs: LBT (half hour class) plus a bit at the gym on machines and weights
fri: '50/50' aerobics class
sat: off
sun: spin
 
Hello Blueberry,

I hope you're feeling better?

Good for you for sticking with it! :)​
 
Diary

OK I'm not starting today, i was going to but just never got round to going to gym and needed extra sleep. on other hand, ive started counselling from today, which is healthy enough in itself.

my eating habits are still binging and less controlled and whatnot but its evening out a bit again. ive started feeling low and depressed, ye olde meaninglessness and seeing gray.. however its not all doom and gloom, im just knackered, really..

I ate very well yesterday, all day until 6pm i ate 1400 calories of balanced good foods. i spent some time putting up my growhouse and potting seedlings. in the evening after 9pm i started feeling bad again and stayed up watching tv/a movie and ate a thing of microwave buttered popcorn and two large bowls of very chocolately porridge/milk until 1am. was feeling sad and tired, and rather anxious.

Foody Things today
breakfast, 11: cheerios, banana, milk
back home after appointment, 230-4pm: sultanas, half can of tomato soup, two crumpets one plain one with jam/peanut butter
dinner, 6 and 8 cause wasnt hungry enough to eat all at once: bean burger, half tin of ratatouille, pasta, a small egg, frozen green beans and brussel sprouts, alittle bit of blue cheese for taste.. havent eaten all of it
watching movie, 10: 2 digestive biscuits.. they work well.. too dry to eat a lot of them but taste sugary :)

ive booked myself in tomorrow for morning yoga and step so hopefully ill go. in odd mood over weighing myself tomorrow morning.
 
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Diary again

So, alteration

tues: yoga and step
wed: spin and free yoga session (hopefully)
thurs: off
fri: 50/50 aerobics
sat: pilates and LBT
sun: off
 
Diary

stayed up last night so missed yoga this morning.

I weighed myself this morning and surprisingly, I didn't gain weight in the end. it reckons i've gone down abit, so if i just round it up ive stayed at 138 :) im very glad.. maybe just changing my lifestyle has been enough recently to maintain a better weight.. i guess over the last year i ate more and did less exercise then i thought. my measurements have flucuated slightly but it was to be expected.

going to step class in a bit

phew :blush5: lets try be less anxious today.. could do with my self esteem improving..

.. unfortunately my housemate has a friend staying over and theyre in the kitchen and i dont want to leave my room ¬_¬
 
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