Blueberry's Diary

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blueberry

New member
I've decided to try out an online weight loss diary. my self esteem isnt good at the moment and having feedback and encouragement may help.

generally i eat well but i have a couple of problems which set me back. firstly i binge eat alot. i have problems with obsessive thinking and anxiety so once i start i wont stop until im asleep or someone distracts me. i also have problems with paranoia/social anxiety which stop me from being able to go outside and do the exercise i want. im generally over-stressed and im usually depressed. i was in an abusive relationship just under 2 years ago and i still havent really recovered.

i quickly gained about 20 pounds from the strain and became ill, and its just stuck. though i dont consider myself drastically overweight at all (i flucuate between 9stone10 and 10stone5, and am 5foot2), i have a real problem with body image distortion and my self esteem is completely shot. im hoping that with encouragement and by being more open with people, i can get over this and just return to my normal self.

i would like to steady my weight at 9stone7, but really i want to get down to 9stone again within 4-6 months, and if i can do it, go to 8stone7 sometime, my optimum weight, though im not too fussed. my problems are mostly confidence and self worth based.. but being overweight constantly reminds me of what i went through to gain it all, and i just want to get over it.. generally im finding my body to be a reflection of my inner peace at the moment, they are hand in hand.. once im over it and i have a good self esteem, i will probably become healthy again, naturally.

i could start with some sort of diet plan, but, im going to start slow, and just note down what i eat already, and how i exercise, and see how things progress. id like to keep tabs on how often i go outside, the days tend to blend together. in general i tell myself to get a good nights sleep, walk for an hour a day, drink a lot of water, and to make sure i dont overeat the wrong things. i dont stick to it, but its a good and easy-to-achieve plan.

*****

so, for starters, today:
breakfast: a leftover mullers ricepudding, kiwi, banana
throughout the day: a whole packet of rice cakes i silly-ly decided to ask my housemate to buy me with about 300-400 calories worth of peanute butter and jam. also, many nuts and sultanas.
dinner: stew, a small portion cause of the rice cakes
water: probably about 5-6 pints
didnt do any exercise.

all in all, could be worse. im glad they were rice cakes but eating the whole thing was highly irritating, and peanut butter has a pretty high salt content. another thing is that i dont really have a lot of money at the moment and i cant afford to waste money on impulse buying/eating. im feeling a bit bad though cause i was obsessive thinking all day and i couldnt get outside to do the exercise i wanted before an informal job interview i have tomorrow. its only a weeks worth of work but im hoping itll help in a couple of ways.

i started watching futurama to calm myself down about 10am, and i didnt stop until 7pm. i should of realised within the first couple hours that this was going to be one of those days. it's been pretty hard to get out of today.. though also because there is a stranger living in my house this weekend and i dont want to go out of my room with him around. luckily he's leaving tomorrow morning before i have to get up.

so yes, i binge ate today but it was on something pretty good. rice cakes are barely 30 calories a slice, and i drank loads of water to help flush out the peanut butter salt. so, despite not going out my room all day and getting worked up from not doing any exercise, ive kept some kind of balance. hopefully ill feel better tomorrow.
 
yesterday was much more like it. i was out all day and i socialised and it was really good. i saw my bassist for the first time in about 2 months and we had a jam, and it was great. i walked for about 3.5 hours in total, 30 or so minutes were power walking cos i was nearly late for my interview. i went to the gym for the first time in about 2 months, and did a hell of a lot, more then i expected of myself.

i burnt about 300 calories at the gym using different equipment. i also used lots of gym equipment for my legs and stomach for about 15-20 minutes, which ive also gone up in. in particular my stomach has gotten stronger by 10kg! i should go to the gym more.

my ability has really improved all round, and i feel pretty good about it. i worried that my fitness level had decreased cause i wasnt regulating it. i then went and sat in the steam room for a bit, that thing is great. in all about 300 calories burnt and probably about 500 calories whilst walking. awesome. living far from anywhere certainly has its benefits. also what's cool is that my personal index rating has gone down from about 25 to 11 according to the machines. i was highly surprised by that, and trying to get myself to accept that its awesome, cause im not too good at accepting complimenting things. i wonder what ive been doing differently to get so fit without going to the gym or anything for 2 months. guess i must of been more balanced somehow. i have quit uni now so maybe its cause im less stressed and thats probably led to eating less.
calories burnt: ~800

in terms of meals, i didnt eat enough cause i was away, though today i dont feel knackered so i must of made it up later on.

breakfast: muesli and semi-skinned milk
throughout the day: nothing, but i prob drank about 4 bottles of water
dinner: stew, a kiwi, an apple, ginger ale.. its a good one, loads of leftover veggies my housemate left me: swede, potato, courette, mushrooms, some chicken, onions, carrots and lots of pearl barley.
throughout evening, i went out 2 pints of water, 2 fruit drinks/juices, 2 rice cakes, i binge ate again on peanut butter and prob had about 300 calories. eating peanut butter out of a jar, oh dear! and it was at about 1am as well. oh well.

i must say im feeling a hell of a lot better then the day before. also, i got invited out on wednesday and i wasnt paranoid about them not being my friends, another good thing. :coolgleamA:
 
today i went for a re-assessment at the gym, and we ended up speaking for an hour.

My current BMI is between 25.5 and 26.4, depending on what the guy used to measure it.
My current body fat percentage is 34.6%. He said to be acceptable i needed to be between 25-31%, and i think a fitness level was about 20-24%. so, that's not too bad.
My current Weight-Hip Ratio is 0.86, it's supposed to be below 0.85, hmm. however, i know when i was larger it was, so i think ive just lost weight around my waist quicker then my hips/thighs.
The Broca-Index reckons im about 17% overweight, though as i dont know how important a scale that is, it may be best for me to dismiss it and just stick to what i know.

He's put me on a new routine, a new way of looking at how i exercise and regulate things, and gave me some tips for how to push myself with swimming to get more out of it. the general plan is 2 days on, 1 day off to rest.
week 1: both days do 1 exercise session
week 2: one day do 2 exercise sessions (so, once in morning, once in afternoon of different things), one day do 1
week 3/4: when i feel like it, both days do two sessions. his thinking is that i should bring myself in slowly, and im certain this will be more then enough to keep fit.
he also said something i liked, dunno if others would agree 'the most important thing when exercising is to enjoy it'.

As for my eating habits, turns out ive been going about it all wrong.
firstly, calorie counting. i count what i eat per day, but that's not small enough, i should be thinking of things throughout the day. he suggested within 4 hour slots. my metabolism is low and thats cause ive been all over the place for years with my diet (binge eating and not eating) so im just storing fat. he's given me the name of a local support group who may be able to help me understand binge eating better, and im hoping they can help me be more self-disciplined to get out of this for the long term. in fact, we agreed that my eating habits seem to be the one thing in my way of the weight loss i want. it's such a shame cause ordinarily i eat really well.

i really didnt realise just how much my eating habits have caused me to be overweight. ive always excused myself cause ive been able to hold down exercise and always made healthy lunches/dinners. i didnt think i eat too badly when it comes to binge eating, but, then when i start to think about it, i do it a hell of a lot.. whenever i see a large amount of the same food, i just eat it, whether i can taste it or hungry, or not. it could be pizza or toast or cereal, anything.. in the last week, ive been eating like 1-200g slabs of chocolate, or popcorn or cereal nearly everyday. id buy the cheap stuff telling myself that ill eat it over a week, but then i eat it in like 10 minutes, and then forget i did it. i really need more self-discipline, or at least to figure out the route of my binge eating habits. im glad that i really enjoy exercise, otherwise i think id be very unhealthy right now.

anyway, today i intend to work out a better way for myself to eat food, and if i have the time, go to an aerobics class. im thinking eating small and regular. i think the support group might be having a meeting today, so, im going to find that out.

eaten today:
morning: an apple on the run, i woke up late
brunch: large bowl of cereal
so, not a good start for my metabolism, but ill make sure to eat every 4 hours.
edit: rest of the day
dinner at 5pm instead of 6/7: large helping of stew.. i made it to last a few days..
evening between 8-10 whilst watching movies: ginger ale, an orange, sultanas/nuts, some malt loaf cause i kept feeling hungry.
 
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ive gone and made myself a ticker. i decided to go for the happy worm picture :) though it's not showing up on the forum for some reason
 
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I eat a lot of fruit. Maybe if you were in a nibbly mood you did that - it would be ok.
 
yes, im going to try that :) im finding sultanas work really well, or things that take a while to eat, like apples
 
huzzah, my house mate says he was well aware i was binge eating (though i didnt, really, to the extend he noticed), and said hed tell me if he saw me doing it. good stuff. it seems i generally give the impression of knowing what im doing. he knows about dieting/exercise more then i do.

for example, his suggestion is that though i always eat good things for my meals with the right number of calories/nutritional value etc, i dont eat a lot of carbs to keep me feeling full, and he reckons thats why i spent the whole evening eating lots of fruit, and suggested the malt loaf.. and yep, i stopped feeling hungry. well, i ate half of one which isnt so good, but what can you do. soo, more carbs on the menu, i think. i always give myself small helpings of rice or pasta so ill increase it and see how it goes.

also, im a bit concerned ill get obsessive over numbers, so, im going to eat small regular meals, but only by eating when i feel hungry, i dont want to feel guilty when i eat (which tends to happen alot), im hoping itll just help me be more aware of what i eat. im considering making a meal that lasts me all day.

today, im going to go to yoga in the evening. im considering today an 'off' day in terms of exercise, so i may as well do something very relaxing with lots of stretches. my inner thighs from monday are feeling like they need to heal, a bit sore. im glad i didnt go and exercise yesterday. ive never had thighs that didnt touch, im so looking forward to that!

i registered myself on the weight loss table, and im considering submitting to the before/after threads. i took some pictures of myself yesterday and i must say im looking tons better then i did a couple months ago, just from going and walking about. im hoping i can keep this up long enough to reach my first goal of being steady at 9stone7 instead of 10stone. also, my acne has really improved since i started doing more exercise. ive started using a new range of products as well. firstly, using a 'australian bodycare tea tree oil' set, which includes a purifying clay mask, an exfoliator, and a cleanser. then, i have a set of 'ultimate spa with dead sea minerals' moisturisers, night, day and for the eye area.

also, for lent and a bit after, i gave up cereal and just ate yogurt/fruit. i wonder if thatd be useful to do again. surprisingly i found that the moment i did that, the less hungry i felt throughout the day. given my housemate's view on carbs, im not quite sure whats best or not.
 
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Plot what you eat in . A lot of people find that there is a danger in having too many starchy carbs. They can end up eating too many calories. Fruit and veg contain carbs too - as you will see on fitday.

Read up on the nutritional side of things - dont trust to the gut feel of your flatmate...
 
thanks, that looks good :) .. i dont know much about carbs.. actually i didnt know veg/fruit had them in, i will look.
 
Diary

so far the help from my housemate is good. just by asking me 'is that a meal, or a binge meal?' when he sees me in the living room. its always with a spot of good natured humour to it, and i dont feel judged or like hell try to get me to stop, its just helping me be more aware of what im eating. like yesterday when i was eating malt bread he said 'are you sure you want to eat more, now? youve eaten half the loaf', and i didnt realise and so decided to stop on my own. i could of decided to satisfy my want to eat, but i decided against it and drunk water instead.. and i didnt feel like i was missing something.. i normally do.

ive started drinking more water after my meals, cause i usually continue to want to eat afterwards. its working well :hurray:

food today so far:
breakfast, 11: muesli, sultanas and semi-skinned milk
lunch, 3: tomato soup with 2 slices of bread
i could have eaten at 2pm instead cos i was feeling a bit hungry, but, im getting there. also i think that i didnt need to eat all of the soup/bread but was just eating it cause i could, but its barely anything to dwell on, i think im changing things pretty nicely. so, so far ive prob been eating 400-500 calories every 4 hours. im going to the park now, and i intend to take food with me, cos im going straight to yoga at 7 for 1:15 hours. its the 4th time ill of gone now, and its been great. it makes me feel very flexible and healthy :)
 
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blueberry said:
thanks, that looks good :) .. i dont know much about carbs.. actually i didnt know veg/fruit had them in, i will look.
Click to expand...

Plot using fitday, read the forum and become a lot more educated than your flatmate. Then make your own decisions.

It may interest you to know that I have plotted my food for the day so far plus the food that I plan on having tonight and 73% of my diet today is carbs. This is despite the fact that I will have had zero potatoes, cereal, rice, pasta, bread or anything like that....

The 73% is high compared to most people because I keep my fat pretty low for medical reasons. I am not for one moment suggesting that you aim for anything like this figure.

My carbs come for the main from fruit, veg, Shape yoghurts - but there are even some in Weight Watcher's sugar free sweets!

A lot of people use the term erroneously to just refer to those starchy carbs that I listed above.
 
Diary

Well, wednesday night i went on a spontaneous camping trip after yoga with two friends. the bad thing about spontaneous camping trips is that youre never sure just how many miles youre going to walk the next day, or how much food youre going to need.. which usually, isnt enough.

sooo wednesday evening:
~300 calories burnt walking in the dark with a heavy pack and got a bit lost in a wood about 1130.
i ended up eating quite a lot cause id not eaten much before hand:
half a can of baked beans
small amount of cheese
3 small slices of wholemeal bread
probably 3/4 chocolate biscuits
small amount of sultanas

yesterday:
~1000 calories burnt walking with my pack (at least 6-7kg, i think) over maybe 6.5-7 miles, including climbing down a cliff and much up and down hill walking on a hot day. im not really quite sure how many calories that'd be. i think on the flat with no pack it'd be about 700 calories.
i ate over the whole day until 7pm (waking up late, mind you, we stayed up until 4am):
maybe 8-10 chocolate biscuits
a small carrot
a large nectarine
a large handful of sultanas
quite a bit of cheese
quite a bit of bread
a few slices of apple
only 2 bottles of water, i never bring enough water

when i got back, i finally finished off my stew with a good helping of broccoli, some pasta and the rest of the cheese, which wasnt much, and lots and lots of water. i also binge ate nearly an entire box of grapes around 10pm, which isnt too great. the sugar rush made me pretty erratic and came out with depression but oh well. today i slept for about 10 hours solid :)

i reckon yoga plus couple hours of walking was probably enough for me two days ago, so its unlikely ill do anything today. today is a relax day! :) its likely ill be camping again tomorrow anyway, so a rest is definitely in order. we will most likely do some proper walking on both days instead of one, as well. i need to prepare a meal. i always just end up surviving on cheese and biscuits. oh well, better then kendal mint cake.

also, i have a belly button again! its still a bit sagged but it's definitely there, yey! good old hiking bag toning my stomach.

:party:

also, here's a pic of where i went:

View attachment 10614
 
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Diary

Eaten today:
Breakfast, 11am: small bowl of muesli with lots of sultanas and a banana
3pm: a banana
4pm an apple
5pm: small glass of ginger ale
still not enough but as im only sitting on my arse at the pc today i guess its not too bad
dinner, 6pm: a frozen veggie lasagne which was going to go off and broccoli

i checked out MyPlate.com and found it tremendously more user friendly then FitDay, so I've started using that instead. The bold 'calories left' at the top is very useful, and will probably be able to plan my meals.. it also had specific food brands as well in the food search engine :)

MyPlate seems to reckon my hiking session burnt like 2000 calories. i really have no idea, so im going to stop trying to work it out.
 
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Well done for starting a diary. I think writing stuff down can really help you get to terms with it.

I get into 'binge' mentality at times... the things that help me are regular meals so that I don't get really starving... and regular exercise which helps me to like my body a bit more (I love the feeling of getting fitter).

I do quite a bit of hiking (we call it tramping in NZ), and I eat as much as I want those days... I pretty much only have healthy food with me, but I eat alot!

Good luck with the journey
 
anna.banana said:
Well done for starting a diary. I think writing stuff down can really help you get to terms with it.

I get into 'binge' mentality at times... the things that help me are regular meals so that I don't get really starving... and regular exercise which helps me to like my body a bit more (I love the feeling of getting fitter).

I do quite a bit of hiking (we call it tramping in NZ), and I eat as much as I want those days... I pretty much only have healthy food with me, but I eat alot!

Good luck with the journey
Click to expand...

Hi Anna, thanks :) im similar.. im finding it really helpful so far just cause i can face how much i eat, and noting down how much exercise i do makes me feel pretty good.

Where do you go hiking? do you have any pictures? Yeah, same, my favourite is sharing out a large loaf of bread with houmous and cheese :) i like to make my own houmous so it has lots of extra nice things in it, like peppers or lots of olives/jalapenos.
 
Diary

Well my acne has randomly flared up, including on my chest. i'm not sure if it's the new products i'm using or from that ready made lasagne/chocolate biscuits the day before, so, ill wait a couple of days. i used the exfoliator for the first time, so it may just be healing itself.

I think my general first week of getting into a new routine isnt going too badly, though i think ive stumbled a bit on the new exercise regime.. it feels more like a binge spree of exercising then a regime so far (like yesterday i didnt go out at all and i havent really kept to it), but ill get there. im also a bit in danger of overdoing it on the 'on' days, but, i reckon itll smooth out. im very happy cause ive managed to go out nearly everyday. i think trying to keep to the exercise regime is really helping me get over my reluctance to go outside.

Today, left the boys to do their hiking trip and went to Pilates and LBT instead (which run one after the other). The Pilates class was quite nice, though not as good as the yoga class, so, i may just go to it once a week on that saturday before LBT everytime.

Tonight, we're heading off to camp for leisure after dinner, and watch the stars, and then go for a walk all of tomorrow. I've decided to make sure i take proper food. i have a canned light tuna salad my mum recommended me in my cupboard.. i think it's time to bring it out :) I'm also going to bring some bananas/apples instead of buying chocolate biscuits. i think the extra weight will be worth it. i think i have some carrots left as well to keep me feeling full, and the others will most likely be bringing along some goodies as well. i could bring some soup, actually.. hmm :)

Also, thank you Omega for the fruit suggestion when hungry, it's working really well!

Eaten Today:
Breakfast, 11, again woke up late: muesli, sultanas, banana, pint of water
throughout exercise/walking back 1230-330pm: 3 bottles of water
lunch, 330: large nectarine, ginger ale, sultanas
another meal to fill me up properly, 430: portion of tuna, spinash, sweetcorn and a lil bit of blue cheese, and more water
same again, may as well finish the cans in the fridge, 630: same as above
camping trip, 11pm whole tin of baked beans, 3 chunks of chocolate, bit of bread, bit of ravioli, sultanas, ginger ale

:D
 
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Diary for yesterday
Well, I had an interesting time yesterday. i was generally in an irritated mood for the whole of the camping trip. i think it's cause i was persuaded to go after feeling that i wasnt up for it, and my mood didnt improve. when the others decided to go straight home i went off on a hiking trip of my own, saying i needed solitude, and i did.

it was a very nice walk, though i started getting a bit depressed and odd towards the end, i think i got a bit dehydrated. i went the same route as before (6.5-7 miles) and completed it an hour earlier then when i went with my two friends, which was nice, i thought. i think i started getting depressed cause i started seeing more and more people as i neared the town with the bus stop.

since ive been back, ive been feeling low and generally my self-esteem hasnt been good either. im not sure if my mind is tricking me or not into seeing myself gaining weight or not, maybe my skin is getting to me. i forgot to get up early for yoga today to check my weight in the process, so im going tomorrow to weigh myself instead.

Trying to think of why my acne has flared so much:
The 'day's break' where i didnt go out all day, the products im using are clogging up my skin, the exfoliator did it, the sun-cream i put on on wednesday did it, the eating of biscuits/cheesy lasagne.

Foody Things
Well during this camping trip i did brilliantly! after walking for 4 miles to get there i had a tin of baked beans, cause throughout the day id only managed to squeeze in ~1200 calories before being told 'we're leaving in 20 minutes'. i didnt want to overexert myself, so that was good. i also only had 3 chunks of Yorkie chocolate when we got there.
Throughout the day of my hike, i had:
breakfast: a BBQed banana with sultanas, a small amount of bread and houmous, ginger ale
snack: a nectarine, some carrot
lunch: a tesco tinned tuna and vegetable salad, wow it was good
snack: an apple, sultanas
snack: sultanas
snack: sultanas and hand-picked blueberries i found and couple of peanuts still left in the bag

it was great! i think i should of had another apple though, it wasnt enough food for the day, but it was definitely healthy and much better then eating chocolate biscuits.

When i got back though, i was knackered! it takes at least half an hour to walk from the bus and when i got in i just chucked in for dinner:
frozen marg. pizza, i had 5/6's of it
large portion of broccoli
a potato, which i cut up with some spices in the oven to look like chips
a whole snack-sized can of green giant sweetcorn
ketchup
and i had a chinese chicken wing offered to me

oh well, it was good, and i made the thing last throughout a movie instead of wolfing it down, so, hopefully that aided digestion a little.

i didnt realise until today that thats the second time in a week id had a very cheesy meal. im not too happy with that.
 
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Today
Well, today is my day of rest. i was going to go for a walk but im feeling a bit shit today inside. bleurgh. i think that pizza's made me a bit ill/toxic as well.

This week im supposed to start phase two of my exercise regime, one day do two exercises, one day do one, one day nothing, repeat.

tomorrow I'm going to yoga in the morning and a step class. (yoga doesnt really count to me as an exercise)
wednesday ill go to hi/lo in the evening and the gym in the early afternoon

I have a lot of time today so im going to think about planning my meals for the week and see what i can come up with.

Also, seems I don't know much about nutrition in terms of protein, i didnt eat much during my hiking trip yesterday.

Edit: Well, i had a go at weighing myself on the home scales, but theyre not very good. anyway, it said 139 pounds, so ive either just managed to maintain things, it was picking up the food/drink id had, or its not correct at all given the batteries are almost flat. oh well, shall see tomorrow morning after yoga at the gym.

I'm going to do a summary once a week and see if it helps. I'm marking the off days in green. I reckon I've been around the 'maintain' or 'lose alittle weight' mark this week by:
Mon: 3.5 hours of walking, ~hour at gym
2200 calories
Tue: 2.2 mile walk at 3.5m/h
1200 calories (oops)
Wed: 2.2 mile walk at 4m/h, yoga, 4 miles with ~15lb rucksack
1730 calories
Thu: 6.5-7 mile walk with ~15lb rucksack
1830 calories mostly junk food
Fri: sat at PC all day
1540 calories
Sat: Aerobics, pilates, 2.2 miles at 4.5m/h, 4 miles with ~15lb rucksack
1510 calories
Sun: 6.5-7 mile walk with ~15lb rucksack
2070 calories

Well, its pretty up and down. however, if i hadnt gone out walking i would of cooked a normal meal without feeling the need to overeat, so, i think it's getting there. Actually i think the worst day was friday, where i ate that lasagne.

I think the long walks are only good if i a) have a healthy dinner prepared and b) i eat regular meals of fruit and some protein throughout the day so i dont overeat at other times c) bring way more water then i usually drink
 
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I'm going to change tact a bit. Getting myself to consistently eat 1500 calories for 3-5 days, despite exercise. I'm also thinking about trying the following as well, if i can learn better about nutrition to pull it off:

on-days eat 1500 calories, drink more water and maybe eat a bit more protein, an egg or something.
off-days eat 1300-1500 calories, still drink more water, may as well.

so far MyPlate.com has really helped me to see where im going wrong, it's really good.. i know now that i can comfortably eat 1500 calories, so shouldnt be too difficult :)

went and walked for 20 minutes, still feeling a bit shit but it did help to get out of the house. im depressed today and feeling like i dont want to do anything etc and was getting a bit grr-y as well.. i want to tidy my room today, hopefully i will. its got a bit dirty and very cluttered. come onnnn, get out of it and do something :smash:
 
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