Ah yes, still around, still here, still progressing.
Slipped off the wagon a bit. Haven't gained but haven't really lost either. I can tell I'm retaining water, so I'm getting my intake back up so I can get it to flush.
Just hasn't been a good couple weeks. Things have been slowing down, I've been slowing things down, and in the end, that gives me time to think, to analyze and look inward. This isn't always a good thing sometimes since I will find my faults and try to come up with solutions, even if that solution is that there isn't one yet. These things are sometimes on my mind.
If there's one thing that gets me more and more as I get along in years it's hearing that I'm one of a kind. Believe it or not, that's not a place I want to be. Maybe when I was young, it was a nice little ego stroke and it got me through the day, but as time goes on I start to witness a stark and horrifying reality that I am or at least feel like I'm unique and one of a kind, and that in itself is a very lonely lot in life.
It's difficult relating to people in anything but the barest of superficial things as it is. Knowing that the gap between where I am and where most of the rest are is widening just fuels a bigger fire within me. Thing I'm into, most others aren't, and I just can't seen to find any interest in most popular things. , nor am I uniform enough to 'belong' to any real kind of social grouping and such.
I just kind of accept that with most people, my interest in them will fade in a short period of time. They might look forward to me being around, but the feeling ends up being one way. When the conversations begin to repeat, when the outcomes are always the same or when someone else, who's more hungry for attention and more adept at getting it comes around, I know its time to move on. That distance I feel beginning to widen and then snap, my connection to that person is gone. Even after a good time later I can run into that person, and mostly see the same person, crystallized and the same.
I start to think, what the fuck, am I mental or something? The answer keeps coming back a resounding no, even when I've gone to see the professionals about it. Basically, the answer becomes I'm just very different than most, and have a very strong sense of self and no real desire to be something other than me. Some have noted that in fact, increasingly so, I find the very concept completely abhorrent. This is something I know to be true.
Time and time again, I come to terms with the knowledge that real friends and even interesting lovers will be far and in between, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
So, what does this have to do with weight loss? Well, besides venting and getting it off my chest (hey, thanks for reading this far lol), I get increasingly frustrated with people. Why the hell do people have to think so slowly? Why do I have to keep saying some of the same things over and over before people finally remember things? No, I don't expect perfection out of people, and even I need an occasional reminder but fucking Christ, when it's all the time it eats at me. I mean, they get it when I'm there, they are able to do it themselves, and a week or so later; whoomp, there it ain't!
Now, we all have things we excel at, and things we suck at, but it's hard for me to comprehend things like this on scale they happen. It literally starts draining the life and energy out of me, so I find myself returning to my old nemesis... energy drinks. Oh yeah, they're bad for me.. all the sugar, all the other stuff... and they calm me down.
It's difficult to think I've passed people up so much at these levels, honestly, I do. I'm still amazed at great personal achievement or talent, but it gets further apart the interval in which that happens. I begin to wonder if this is part of why I find it so hard to relate to people.
I remember an episode of House where he ran into a genius that was robotripping just do dumb himself down enough to be happy with people, and seriously, it looks attractive at times. ... of course, my instincts come roaring in and start to squash and suppress that thought pretty quick. Same thing with that whole sense of self deal, so just by my wiring, it takes that option out.
anyway, vent, rant.. down a pound or two and hoping for the snow to break so I can get back to walking, otherwise, it's time to start heading to the gym.
damn, I just want to pound on something.
