Bellaryna's Journey

A_CRUCE_SALUS said:
Hey Bella! Just stoppin by to see how things are going.. I think its great that you can be honest with yourself and everyone else about where you are at. We have to acknowlege our weakness in order to get strong. Just pick your cross back up.. you can do it! We are all in this together!

Blessings,
Randelise
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Ahhh Thanks for loving me!
You know I have learned in life that I will never get anywhere by lying to myself.
It hurts sometimes to have to admit failure or in this case a major setback. And the reasoning behind it.
But thru this latest setback I have been able to look back and pretty much see what triggered my weightloss demise.
When I get emotionally stressed; (bad stress) my good friend passing away and (good stress) having my birthdaughter become a part of my life, it seems that I have a bit of a problem with turning to food for "stability" in things going on in my life.
When we all know that the stability that I need/ed to turn to was Jesus.
I do believe that he allows us to go thru things good and bad to look back in hind sight and see how well we handled or misshandled things.
This way we can know what to do next time.
'Cuz there will always definately be a next time.
So now I am done looking back. I have seen what I need to do differently going forward.
And going forward is definately the direction I want to be going in.
 
reluctantcabbie said:
'Bout time you show up! We miss you doll, and all of you rpositive energy! Come in whenever you can, I miss you!
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Hey there!
Sorry *shamefaced and embarrassed* for popping out on ya just when ya came back to the forum.
Things just kinda got.........well a bit outta whack around here for me.
But I think I got it back to where it needs to be.
Thanks for loving me in my absence!
Mwah!!!
 
Okay just so everyone doesn't think I am not following thru on my promise to tell you all about Laura.....
I just wrote out this huge post and then the computer froze up. Of course it is all gone :(
And now I don't feel like re-writing all of it as it is nearly midnight and I have to be up fairly early tomorrow.
Most likely I will have time on Thursday to post again.
So I guess the story will just have to wait until then. LOL
 
I'd love to hear it, when you have time to post it again. As far as out of whack is concerned, I hear ya. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Lubs ya anyway! :hug2:
 
Hey Dawn! No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth..lol. Just been super busy with all the Aussie in-laws visiting over the past month. MIL went back yesterday and SILs go back Monday. Sorry you couldn't meet up with us in Nappanee, and we had plans all day that Saturday of Laura's party.

Anyway, I hope that all went well. I'm curious to know how your two little ones took to Laura. :)
 
bikinibound said:
Hey Dawn! No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth..lol. Just been super busy with all the Aussie in-laws visiting over the past month. MIL went back yesterday and SILs go back Monday. Sorry you couldn't meet up with us in Nappanee, and we had plans all day that Saturday of Laura's party.

Anyway, I hope that all went well. I'm curious to know how your two little ones took to Laura. :)
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Sorry about Nappanee. :(
And you know what the Saturday of Laura's party we would never have made it up there any earlier than we did. To many things against us.
Oil needed changed in the car, late start and get this Trevor was sleeping so hard in the car that he actually peed himself! So we had to stop and get him some new underwear and shorts......poor guy felt awful. He was crying thinking he was going to get into trouble. That and he was embarrassed. I mean he is 6 and hasn't peed himself in like 2-3 years.
So I guess we will just have to try and get together a different time. hahaha
We will be camping up there at the end of this month. If you wanted to stop by your more than welcome too. Just PM me and I will give you all the info on where we will be.
 
I am seriously thinking I must have been crazy to try and get back into the swing of things the week of VBS! lol
Not only is there no time for anything (exercise) but there is basically no time for sitting down and eating at the table.
Luckily tonight is the last night so I will have made it thru fairly unscathed.
Though we have hit the drive-thru most nights for dinner I made wise choices everytime.
Going with the Chicken Snack Wrap grilled with no sauce. I have had a few "treats" mainly in the form of soft serve ice cream. Always small so again I think I made a better choice than what I had been making before I got back into the swing of things. Before I would have definately gotten a large. :piggy:
I just got done getting some music together that I can workout to without getting bored.
The same playlist that I just put together on my MP3 player is the same music that I am giving to a friend who works for a radio station. He is going to take the songs and put them into the C25K program for me.
He has all the resources to mix the songs so that they will flow from one to the other in exactly the time increments that they need to be.
I am really excited about that.
Since back about 3 months ago........seems like it wasn't nearly that long ago.............I actually was running. And enjoying it. hahaha
I just couldn't get past the music that was on the previous set-up.
Okay I will finish this post later.
Laura wants to chat and I don't want to take the chance that my computer freezes up and this never gets posted.
Stupid 'puter! Grrrrr!
Ciao for now.
 
Good luck with your journey. Take things slow and break your goal down into smaller goals...reward yourself after 20 pounds with a massage or manicure.

By the way, how did you start your diary? I canot seem to figure out how to start my own thread. Can you explain this to me?
 
~Caution~
Super Long Post ahead!
Proceed at your own risk! lol
*****
Well on the computer front I think I may have figured out what was causing it to lock up all the time.
Darn thing was overheating in the little cabinet that it sits in. And when I pulled it out to let it "breath" to my horror I saw that the vents on it were completely covered over in dust!
So once I got it all cleaned up, it still sits at a weird angle outside the cabinet, it quit locking up.
Keeping my fingers crossed.

This past weekend was NOT a good weekend. Nope not at all.
I volunteered to go into work early on Friday at 10am. Which put me 5 hours earlier than usual. When I got there everyone was milling around outside. My first thought was we were having a fire drill, which they do fairly regularly.
Once I got out of the car though I started to get the feeling that this was no fire drill.
At 5:30 that morning a tree-top tornado had come through the area and ripped some really big trees up from the ground. Flinging them on some near-by houses and also wiping out all the power poles, wires and transformers to the DC.
So we ended up out of power for 11 1/2 hours!!!! We had back-up generators that kept the warehouse cool and frozen but those generators were unable to draw enough power for there to be any kind of lights in the entire building. And let me tell you that made for a rather interesting trips into the restroom!
Once the power came back on we (my shift~by that time they had all arrived for their shifts) had to help the 1st shifters to get their jobs done. We didn't get done helping them until 10pm. Which at that time we were finally able to begin our jobs. We didn't get done until just about 6am. Which means that purely by default I put in an 18 hour day.
I was exhausted when I got home to say the least.
To top it off I had to back to work at 3pm. Which didn't give me nearly enough time to get any decent sleep or to pack any kind of a healthy meal. I ended up grabbing Chinese on the way to work. (They fed us pizza on Friday, 2x's)
I was able to leave Saturday night at 1:30am but needed to be to up in the morning for church by 8:30am. So again not enough sleep. And again no time to even think about lunch or dinner. Hubby ended up grabbing pizza for lunch after church. After I got up from a little nap before leaving for work I had a few slices of pizza and headed out the door once again.
Didn't get done with work Sunday until 2:30am. By the time I got home and showered it was almost 4 in the morning.
I ended up sleeping until 12 noon yesterday. And still woke up feeling exhausted.
So my big push to get started when VBS was over didn't happen until today.
Got up weighing 218 even.
I am positive that maybe about 3 pounds of that is actually just water retention. With all the takeout that I was eating all weekend I know I had to have eaten waaaaaay more salt than I ever should have.
In fact I know that is true. I still can barely get my wedding ring off. And when I am finally able to pry it off of my fat finger there is a really big indention where the ring was at.
I haven't had that in a really long time.
I have my music all put together for my friend to edit into my running schedule. However I haven't seen him yet to give it to him. So I am thinking that for now I will just use it (all the songs with no editing done to them) on my elliptical. Which I plan to put to good use tonight.
Breakfast wasn't the best of meals but could of been alot worse. I promised the kids that I would make them French Toast for breakfast. I had 2 slices with a bit of butter and sugar free syrup. Other than that I haven't had anything else yet today. I know that is bad but I was Super Cleaning the house. Which needed it badly.
Dinner tonight will most likely be something grilled......chicken or center cut chops I am thinking. With baked sweet tators on the side as well as a salad to round it out.
So at least I feel like I am back on track.
FINALLY!! lol
 
This mornings weigh-in showed me less than yesterday. Which is pretty much how I expected it to be. Came in at 216.2, which puts me almost 2 pounds less than yesterday.
Though my wedding ring is still a bit snug so I know I have a bit more "water weight" I could lose.
Allergies are acting up bad today. In fact they have been bad or bothersome for about a week now. I imagine it has something to do with the heat outside. Today it is suppose to get up to 90*! Last night when I went to bed at 11pm it was still 80*.
Luckily we have lots of friends with pools and so have been pool hopping around the neighborhood.
Rented The Curious Case of Benjamin Button yesterday. Thought it was a decent movie. Though the whole being a baby, growing, up and then going back to a baby thing didn't sit well with my brain.
Finishing up the GIANT piles of laundry that I have sitting in my dining room. I swear that my kids have more clothes than most third world countries put together!
I am seriously considering "thinning" their clothes down to just 7-10 outfits per season. There is no feasible reason for why I have to be a slave to the washer/dryer all the time. Besides that laundry is my number one thing that I absoutely loathe to do.
Didn't get up until 9am this morning. I think I love how the kids sleep in during summer. I know I should get up and get doing stuff earlier in the day but I really enjoy sleeping in myself. :blush5:
Breakfast this morning was better nutritiously speaking than yesterday's. Had a bowl of Honey Nut Cherrios with Skim milk. Though I didn't measure it out.....shame on me. If I had to guess, and guess honestly, I would say it was probably like 2 1/2 servings of cereal with about a cup of milk. Maybe even 3 servings of cereal. But it was just Cherrios so in the grand scheme of things not nearly as bad as it could have been.
Well the washer has just beeped and no one else is going to take care of it so I guess I had better get to it.
Hope everyone has a great day today.
:)
 
No idea what I weigh at the moment.
We just got home from camping up in Holland, MI for the last 4 days. We were suppose to spend all day, every day at the beach (Lake Michigan). But the weather did not cooperate at all! Today was actually the coldest day of all barely above 60*!!!! Absurd I tell ya, especially since it is JULY!!! LOL
So since there was nothing else to do at the particular campground we chose ( chose one close to the beach for quick and easy access) we basically ended up sitting around the fire and munching/snacking all the time.
I did pack bananas, peachs, nectarines, grapes and baby carrots. So not all the munching was of the junky type. But regardless when you are hunched in on yourself trying to stay warm you don't really burn off many calories.
I did take a few walks with my dd down to the local "general store". As well as romping around on the beach one day. The wind was blowing so much that day that you could just about bend forward at the waist and lean into the wind and not fall down.
It was a Red Flag day for sure. We could even see exactly where the Rip Tide was pulling in and out. There were a few foolhardy folks out in the water. Personally it made me very nervous as well as totally angry at them. Since my kids kept asking could they go into the water and I kept saying no. And of course my kids kept doing the age old "but they are".
I think if there was any real extra calorie burning going on while on this trip it was done while I was shivering from being soooo cold! haha
Glad to be home and looking forward to getting back into the groove of things.
 
There is definately something to be said for sleeping in your own bed! lol
Camping was fun and all but sleeping on a tiny little mattress when your overweight is sooooo not comfortable. hahaha
Weighed in this morning at 219.6 boohoo.
Not where I want to be at all.
It is just eating me up knowing that last year at this time I was below 200. And it took me only like 3 months to get there. I maintained for a long time and then BOOM like a big balloon I blew back up. I haven't hit my orginal beginning weight (Thank Goodness!!!) but I have incredible guilt for allowing myself to gain back 35 pounds!
I worked sooo hard to lose that weight and just quit caring I guess.
I can remember Mother's Day 2007 very well. The Capri pants I am wearing today I could barely fit into. They were so tight that day I thought for sure they would rip or something. I didn't even bother to try and wear them again until Spring 2008. I was amazed when I put them on and the difference there was in them. I wore the same Capris for Mother's Day that year. They were roomy and baggy. Even a bit big. My confidence level in 2008 compared to 2009 was immensely different! I was so much prouder of myself!! Confidence galore.
Today I sit here typing, wearing the same Capris. They are once again tight. So tight in fact that the button popped off of them.
I am feeling ashamed, saddened, and disgusted with myself.
I jokingly told my hubby yesterday that at least back in 2007 I didn't really understand where I was at. Weight wise that is. I was pretty ignorant to all things weight.
But now I understand completely.
And I have guilt.
Guilt for every time I overeat.
Guilt for every time I don't exercise.
Guilt for every excuse I have made.

Thank Goodness Omega aka Margaret has thrown together the Summer Shake-up Challenge.
It is coming just in time. Just when I need it most.
 
Hey there Hot Stuff! I'm Back......

Hey Bell, I've missed you A LOT! And as I read your previous post I'm thinking WOW, I felt the same way just a few months back, because everything was going HAYWIRE. I haven't been to the gym in months myself due to so many variable which you can check in my diary a few pages back.

But girl, I'm back and I'm starting it again, and guess what? I want you to be there to support me, like I'm going to be here to support you.

You CAN get back down to 195, not you can~ "YOU WILL". I want you to pop that negative energy out of your mind. You are not a failure, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of, because life through you some lemons, and now it's your time to make the lemonade.

It's never to late to start something good and positive, it's only time to stop being down on yourself for the small set back, we all have them and we push through, we stay strong and honey "YOUR WORTH IT"

I'm going to check on you later to make sure your attitude is turned around, say it 10 times to out loud, I want to hear it all the way over her in Oklahoma

"I'm NOT A FAILURE" "I'M GOING TO BEAT THIS WEIGHT" "I"M GOING TO SUCCEED"

And I'll tell you this, Girl Your GORGEOUS! I've seen your heavy pics and the pics when you got down under 200 in all of them I thought you were beautiful, you have that extra something I wish I had that's for sure.

Keep your chin up, and remember I'll be watching you. LOL LOL
Let's do this together okay, I'll need you also, so don't forget to jump down my throat at any time.

Hugs and Love
Kimmers:cheers2:
 
Yes, she IS gorgeous. I keep telling her i wish I was half as photogenic as she is. If only Dawn loved herself as much as we love her..lol. Or at least could see how amazing a women she truly is--and I hate it when people overuse the word "amazing" so I mean what I say. ;)

Now hup to it girl, but then I feel like I have to do the same..lol :biggrinjester: I have been eating way too much lately myself, and not exercising as much as I should. So here were are in the same boat. :patriot:
 
* Blushing heavily *
You guys are waaaaay to nice.
Thank you so very much for all the love.
To both my Kimmers~
I think you are both wonderful as well. And have missed both of you intensely. Big Kisses to both of you! MWAH!!!
~~~~~~~
Okay very quickly since this is a Saturday and I have limited time at best due to sleeping all day (thanks alot work! lol) and having to leave again for work.

A small major victory was won yesterday.
Okay so it is no secret that I have gained some of my weight back..........so needless to say my jeans for work are a bit tight. Okay so I am not fooling anyone. They are alot tight. And since alot of my job at work involves bending over to pick things up off the floor, those jeans are very uncomfortable. VERY
So yesterday against my better judgement I decided to side on the side of comfort instead of vanity.
I bought a bigger size of jean! GASP Something I said I would never ever do!!!
I didn't try them on at the store just bought them and headed to work.
Got to work and changed into my work clothes.
Unfortunately for me (actually not so unfortunately, but due to the fact that they drove me crazy for 3 hours!, unfortunately lol) there was a bit of a problem with the jeans.
THEY WERE TOO BIG!!!!
So for 3 hours all I did was pull my pants back up! Drove me crazy I tell ya!!
Especially when you think about how much moving I was doing means I was literally pulling my pants back up like every 5-7 minutes!!! :svengo:
hahahaha:smilielol5:
So the moral of the experiance is this:
I may have gained back weight, lots to be exact, but I am not nearly to the point that I felt like I was at.
I have not blown up to huge gigantor proportions.
This weight gain is managable.
I can and will get back to where I was last summer and I will continue on with this journey of mine.

So there take that you size 20 jeans! HA
 
YEAH to LOOSE JEANS!

LMAO! I cracked up reading that. LOL OH MY GOSH that was funny! There is nothing more annoying then pants that you have to keep hicking up ever few minutes. At the same time there is nothing like the feeling of knowing your actually in a smaller size then what you picked out. AWESOME!!!

See, this is a great starting point to work from. Today is going to be a hard day for everyone, but remember even if your at a BQUE, you can still eat grilled chicken, and just a spoon of potato salad, macaroni salad, or any other salad out there minus green salad. With me, I just try to eat a lot of watermelon or cantaloupe, get togethers usually have a plate of those to work off of. LOL

GREAT JOB~~ I'll check back in later gator
Hugs and Love
Kim
 
Well thankfully the work weekend is over!
Woohoo!!!
I am currently 2 pounds less than Friday. Most likely due to the fact that I actually ate healthy this past weekend.
For once I didn't eat anything outta the vending machines at work. There for a while I was hitting 'em every day, sometimes multiple times a day.
I wasn't able to drink all my water like Margaret wanted me to. Though I did drink far more than I have been in the past.
Currently I am working on my first 20oz of the day.
I did however eat tons and tons of fruit and veggies.
We have a lock-in tonight for 1st thru 4th grade students at my church. Hubby is planning pizza for dinner. The usual fare at one of these things. I think however that I will be bringing along some other things to nosh on.
I did so well over the weekend that I don't won't to sabotage myself now!
Okay so I am going to hop over and check out the summer shake-up thread.
 
GREAT JOB, and I'm so proud of you not letting in to the pizza for dinner. I LVOE PIZZA but holy smokes it's like 450 calories a slice, it's just not worth it for me.

Sometimes it's very hard to drink a lot of water during the day, If I get to caught up in work, I tend to pound down a bottle at the end of the day rather than drinking slowly every 30 minutes which is really what I should do, but oh well as long as you get some in, your doing great!

Are you planning your meals for the day?? Or just playing it by ear? can you take stuff to work, so not to be tempted by the dreadful Vendor Villain?? :smash: We have vending machines in our break room as well, but honestly if they would fill them with sandwiches or fruit I might consider using them, but they have nasty donuts/ cakes/ ho-ho's/ chips and I'm just not that into those items, thank gosh! I have purchased a pack of gum out of them a few times. LOL Does yours have good food?? or junk?

Well, I hope your lock in is a lot of fun, I'm so happy you made great choices, keep it up chica!

I'm going to swing by the challenge and check it out, not sure if I'm ready to commit just yet to one, but we will see.
Hugs and Love
Kim
 
So how did it go at the pizza party?! Hopefully you were able to stick to your fruits and veggies, though I wouldn't blame you for indulging in just one measly slice hehe.
 
Ahhh.......
Lock-in went great! The kids all had lots and lots of fun. We took them to a giant ball pit that isn't really a pit at all. More like a large jungle gym with multiple levels. And at various locations there are air guns that can shoot the balls. There is this totally cool thing in the very middle of the jungle gym where the kids put all these balls that they have collected. Only when someone "shoots" the bullseye does it "explode" and all the balls go flying in every direction! It is totally AWESOME!
We also gave them all 10 tokens to spend in the arcade.
We didn't leave the place until 11pm. Ended up eating the pizza at 12 midnight and watching The Tale of Desperaux until 2am.
I wish I could say that I didn't give in to the pizza.
By that time of the night I was sooooo tired. And when I am tired I make the WORST food decisions!
I had basically been up past 3am every night for 4 nights by the time the pizza was served. And to top it off I hadn't eaten on any kind of a schedule at all yesterday. So everything was way outta whack.
*I am so ashamed* *shamefaced with a hint of a smile*
Today wasn't much better since I only had about 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night. I came home and basically passed out for 4 hours. My kids are soooo good. They pretty much just hung out on the bed watching movies while I slept.
When I got up my eye was hurting pretty bad. Hurting and itchy. When I rubbed it, it started hurting even worse. When I went to look at it I noticed something wasn't quite right.
Have you ever really tried to look at your own eyeball? It is nearly impossible I tell ya! I must have looked so silly in the bathroom trying to "get a good angle" so I could check out my own eye.
I ended up going to the doctors to have it checked out. On the way there the kids needed to be fed so I swung thru the arches and got them nuggets and fries.
Sad to say I also got food. A 1/4 pounder and fries. And that pretty much had set the tone for the rest of the day.
I had a hershey bar with almonds and then took the kids to DQ. Where I got a Peanut Buster Parfait.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?!!?
I am starting to think that I am my own worst enemy. It seems that whenever I have cash on me I run right to the food sources.
Be it a vending machine or a drive thru. It doesn't matter. It is like they are the pied piper and I am just following along in a trance.
See I didn't take any $$$ to work at all this past weekend and look how good I did. I have money for less than 24 hours and BAM! I basically eat it.
So at least I am recognizing a pattern. But what to do about it. It is not like I can go around for the rest of my life without having cash in my pocket.
We don't have credit cards (Thank Goodness!) and obviously not all places take checks.
What to do? What to do?
I need to have more control than this or I am never going to get back to that place that I want to be.
Sigh

Oh and the eye.......
Pink Eye
Isn't that just great? lol
At least it is not the contagious kind. Just the kind that is bascially caused by my allergies.
I guess all the constant eye rubbing is not good for it.
Who knew? haha
 
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