Becoming a Goddess

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So here it goes. I am extremely excited about losing weight. I want to be thin. I want to be more beautiful than I already am. I want my face to have character and not be hidden underneath fat cheeks. I don't want a muffin top lump sticking out from the middle of my abdomen. I want thinner/leaner calves and thighs and toned, slender arms instead of bat wings.

Alas, I am stuck. I know how to lose the weight. I know the determination it takes. I lost 50lbs once and I'm most certain I can do it again. But I'm scared. I'm scared to be thin. Once I'm lower than 175, I'm into uncharted territory. This absolutely terrifies me and I can't understand why. If you would ask me what is one thing I'd like to be... it's not really an opera singer or a cook or a wife or an event planner or cocktail party hostess extraordinaire... it's thin. It's a physical shape. It's almost like saying "above everything else in life I want to be a triangle." It's something I'm capable of achieving on my own. I don't need to compete someone for the spot of 135lbs. There aren't any auditions or resumes or lessons required. For the love of anything, I can sing in six different foreign languages from memory and yet losing weight is the hardest, most intimidating thing I've ever done. And I'm scared. For me it's not about saying, this is too hard and I'm too tired. I'm terrified of it happening and it's a good thing to happen. It's not bad. I can even lose weight completely free of charge or expense and yet, I have a mental block on letting this happen.

Today was a big day. My body looked different for the first time in months. I look at myself naked in the mirror everyday. And everyday I've just being seeing Candice who weighs 207 pounds. Except I weigh 185 pounds. I can pull off my jeans without unbuttoning and unzipping them. Four inches off my waist and hips and a leaner face. Yet today is the first day I've seen it. I know I suffer from body distortion, meaning my mind plays tricks and I never truly see what is in the mirror. And if I have, I wouldn't know it because I don't know what the truth looks like. This was briefly a relieving moment that turned into panic. Why the hell am I panicked? Today I looked smaller. I could SEE myself smaller than I was six months ago.
 
I watch exactly one hour of tv a day and that's when TLC runs the show What Not to Wear*. So I think it was this PMS commercial that came on where these women are pulling as hard as they can on their jeans to snap them shut. That's when I realized I know what it's like to do that, but that I haven't had to do that in months. Months! This made me happy and excited!!

*Anyone is invited to nominate me for that show because I sure could use a $5k shopping spree in NYC:D
 
I just got back from a great walk outside:D . At noon the local weather said it was 63, but it felt like the high 70s and sunny. I'm learning to like the south:cool:

Also, I opened an email from the restaurant that hired me. They need to know my blazer size. The women's sizes only run up through a large and I have a feeling this is going to be a small large:eek: Panic has officially set in over this:( . What if I don't fit into my work outfit? I already have a nice black blazer, but if the one they want us to wear doesn't fit, either I'll be forced to quit or I'll have to wear mine which I'm sure won't match everyone else's.

Today I was thinking that I need to cut out the cookies and ice cream. Granted I only eat one serving of one or the other every night (amounts to around 200 cals plus fat) but that's getting cut until this blazer situation settles itself. I hate to say that having chocolate everyday keeps me sane while cutting out the other things I really love that are truly truly terrible for you, but it does keep me sane. And now... bye, bye. I did once go a year without putting a single goodie into my mouth. I guess it's time to bring back and old, but healthy habit.
 
most uniform clothing tends to run a little large -

Dont give into defeat... cross that bridge if and when you come to it - in themeantime - kudos on the job offer -that's great...
 
Oh Mal is absolutely right (as always) :D

Congrats on the job and worry about that blazer when or IF it happens!
 
brunettegoddess said:
So here it goes. I am extremely excited about losing weight. I want to be thin. I want to be more beautiful than I already am. I want my face to have character and not be hidden underneath fat cheeks. I don't want a muffin top lump sticking out from the middle of my abdomen. I want thinner/leaner calves and thighs and toned, slender arms instead of bat wings.

Alas, I am stuck. I know how to lose the weight. I know the determination it takes. I lost 50lbs once and I'm most certain I can do it again. But I'm scared. I'm scared to be thin. Once I'm lower than 175, I'm into uncharted territory. This absolutely terrifies me and I can't understand why. If you would ask me what is one thing I'd like to be... it's not really an opera singer or a cook or a wife or an event planner or cocktail party hostess extraordinaire... it's thin. It's a physical shape. It's almost like saying "above everything else in life I want to be a triangle." It's something I'm capable of achieving on my own. I don't need to compete someone for the spot of 135lbs. There aren't any auditions or resumes or lessons required. For the love of anything, I can sing in six different foreign languages from memory and yet losing weight is the hardest, most intimidating thing I've ever done. And I'm scared. For me it's not about saying, this is too hard and I'm too tired. I'm terrified of it happening and it's a good thing to happen. It's not bad. I can even lose weight completely free of charge or expense and yet, I have a mental block on letting this happen.

Today was a big day. My body looked different for the first time in months. I look at myself naked in the mirror everyday. And everyday I've just being seeing Candice who weighs 207 pounds. Except I weigh 185 pounds. I can pull off my jeans without unbuttoning and unzipping them. Four inches off my waist and hips and a leaner face. Yet today is the first day I've seen it. I know I suffer from body distortion, meaning my mind plays tricks and I never truly see what is in the mirror. And if I have, I wouldn't know it because I don't know what the truth looks like. This was briefly a relieving moment that turned into panic. Why the hell am I panicked? Today I looked smaller. I could SEE myself smaller than I was six months ago.
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This post really caught my attention and I thought it was very well deserving of a thorough response. As you can probably gather from my own thread, I can empathize with you entirely on many of the thoughts you expressed. Perhaps the fear you spoke of in losing the weight, in becoming 'thin' as you put it has a lot to do with stepping outside of your comfort zone. Once you become accustomed to living your life a certain way and become acquainted with 'your skin' and your body, it is very difficult to imagine your life any other way. A feasible analogy would be to compare it to a woman who was an A cup her entire life and wanted nothing more than to have breast enhancements and experience what other women naturally do everyday; she decides to get implants but the prospective appointment to have the surgery is daunting and terrifying..not because of the surgery itself but because she knows her entire life will change subsequent to the operation.

Perhaps the situation is similar with you. Perhaps once you lose the weight, you know that life as you know it will change. Change for the better, no doubt- but still change nonetheless. And change is freaking terrifying- there's no denying that. Perhaps you are uncertain if you will begin questioning different aspects of your life once you overcome this extremely consuming and tremendous obstacle you are pursuing- you will ask yourself what other aspects of your life you are discontent with and would like to change. I could list a million 'perhaps' scenarios, but I think what it comes down to is that change, in itself, is a very scary process. Routine provides us with consolation; we know what to expect from each day. Losing weight, regardless of how many people might disagree, is a lifestyle change- it can change your entire state of being. So, its okay to be terrified- i think that fear is instrinsic in every person who is in pursuit of any kind of change.. Just prosper in this change for once you reach your goal, no matter what it is, you will feel like a different person- once you master this, you can accomplish anything.

All the best and good luck~!
 
photocrazed said:
Hello there my fellow foxy lady!!! Good Luck on your weigh in today.
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Thanks, photocrazed. I didn't get to it yesterday but as soon as my roommate gets out of the shower, I'll be on the scale. I just have this terrible feeling that after yesterday, my ticker won't change:eek:

Becka, my day is early so far. It's only 7am, and I've got this crappy headache that i've had all weekend. My boyfriend thinks I'm dehydrated but whenever I begin to drink water, I stop because I feel too full to drink any. I will try today again though. Also, he and I had a little talk about that stuff I posted in your journal on Friday. Life is good and he's wonderful and I'm not sure that I could ask for more. (yay!)

Happy Monday, everyone!
 
have yourself awonderful monday :) I love all this talk of communicatiing among significant others -communication is such a basic thing but all too often overlooked - way to go for using it :)

good luck with the scale :)
 
brunettegoddess said:
Thanks, photocrazed. I didn't get to it yesterday but as soon as my roommate gets out of the shower, I'll be on the scale. I just have this terrible feeling that after yesterday, my ticker won't change:eek:

Becka, my day is early so far. It's only 7am, and I've got this crappy headache that i've had all weekend. My boyfriend thinks I'm dehydrated but whenever I begin to drink water, I stop because I feel too full to drink any. I will try today again though. Also, he and I had a little talk about that stuff I posted in your journal on Friday. Life is good and he's wonderful and I'm not sure that I could ask for more. (yay!)

Happy Monday, everyone!
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Girl, there is nothing worse than waking up with a headache! I've been suffering from migraines my entire life and have tested every medicine known to man to attempt to alleviate them- nothing has worked. Yes, headaches are the absolute worst as they entirely debilitate you and inhibit you from being entirely productive! Why does water make you feel so full? It's one of the definite things to help your headache- and if you'r feeling full try some of those water tablets or bring a big jug of water and just sip slowly out of it throughout the day so you don't feel too bloated.

I'm really glad to hear that you have worked things through with the man. There is nothing better than clearing the air about something that is really impacting you! I'm trying to formulate a new eating plan to get myself back on track- what do you do as far as eating? Speak soon! x
 
Crazybecka88 said:
I'm trying to formulate a new eating plan to get myself back on track- what do you do as far as eating? Speak soon! x
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I drink slimfast. Actually at the moment I'm drinking ovaltine instead of slimfast because I live with my boyfriend and his roommate and I feel a bit self-conscious about doing slimfast in front of his roomie. Plus, ovaltine is just about the same thing really with all of its vitamins, etc. In any case, I do slimfast because I am a chocoholic. If I don't have some sort of chocolate everyday, it causes me to binge and get crazy/frustrated. So having a healthy chocolate shake twice a day keeps me in check and it also allows me to not be resigned to a salad at dinner. Along the same lines, in the past I've also eaten those Lean Cuisine (and various other weightloss) meals. There really is something for everyone. I think the flavor gets compromised just slightly but not too much. If you know that you can't trust yourself to eat a certain amount of calories or you're pressed for time, those things are wonderful. And as always, fresh is best. Although fresh isn't always as affordable or time convenient.
 
A Monday Rave

I'm feeling deliriously happy today and I decided to post a bunch of things I think are awesome. Everyone else should feel free to do the same:D

  1. Pomegranate/Mango body wash by softsoap... this stuff is that good I wash myself more than once everytime I shower.
  2. Photocrazed lost over 3lbs I believe and that just made me feel awesome.
  3. That even though the scale didn't budge today (I think maybe I lost .5 pound but it's a scale with tick marks so I can't tell) it certainly didn't go up either!!!
  4. I might want to lose 50 pounds, but I'm back at 185 after a very stressful year in which I gained (and then lost) 25lbs. I feel like myself at this weight.
  5. I'm the happiest I've been in almost two years and its surely amazing.
  6. Even if Jeff isn't "the one", I'm 22 and dating the man of my dreams. Everyday I'm in awe of how wonderful he is and I know that I'm so lucky to have found him.
  7. I'm happy Crazybecka joined the WLF.
  8. And I'm highly appreciative of people such as Mal and M2M who check in with me regularly and leave me encouragement and support. *clues Cheers theme song*
 
I think I've known this all along, but the snacking at night is what has been keeping the weight on. I know it's not supposed to matter what time of day you eat, etc etc., but the last two night i didn't have my dessert (it's within my calorie intake guidelines) and the scale has been budging. Some how seeing a lesser number is more tasty than a 180 cal piece of chocolate cheesecake.
 
brunettegoddess said:
I'm feeling deliriously happy today and I decided to post a bunch of things I think are awesome. Everyone else should feel free to do the same:D

  1. Pomegranate/Mango body wash by softsoap... this stuff is that good I wash myself more than once everytime I shower.
  2. Photocrazed lost over 3lbs I believe and that just made me feel awesome.
  3. That even though the scale didn't budge today (I think maybe I lost .5 pound but it's a scale with tick marks so I can't tell) it certainly didn't go up either!!!
  4. I might want to lose 50 pounds, but I'm back at 185 after a very stressful year in which I gained (and then lost) 25lbs. I feel like myself at this weight.
  5. I'm the happiest I've been in almost two years and its surely amazing.
  6. Even if Jeff isn't "the one", I'm 22 and dating the man of my dreams. Everyday I'm in awe of how wonderful he is and I know that I'm so lucky to have found him.
  7. I'm happy Crazybecka joined the WLF.
  8. And I'm highly appreciative of people such as Mal and M2M who check in with me regularly and leave me encouragement and support. *clues Cheers theme song*
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Hey lady- It was so refreshing to come home after leaving my other half to discover such a positive and upbeat post! We should write more of these! It's nice to remind ourselves of how blessed we are and how many fabulous people and things we have to be thankful for in our lives.

About the late night eating- its everyone's downfall as far as i'm concerned. Regardless of how much I eat for dinner, I find myself hanging around the kitchen around 7/8pm looking for more food- i think its more of a mental, conditioned response than an actual hunger drive. But if you realize that this late night eating is inhibiting your success, definitely try to monitor it more closely and either eradicate it all together or have your dessert earlier in the day!

I'm going to do some serious researching tonight [although at this point in the game I feel like I know everything there is to know about nutrition] and formulate a new eating plan for me. Less than 6 months until my wedding and only 2 months before bikini season! We should be 'buddies' as they call them on this site- I need someone to keep my in line!

I know what you mean about finding 'the one'- I find that if And leaves the room for 30 seconds, I already miss him. It's the most surreal and undescribable feeling- sometimes you just love him so much that you become entirely overwhelmed and don't know what to do with yourself- And most of the time, I find myself continually pinching myself, adamant that he is just too good to be true! I love being in love:)

Hope you had a wonderful day- Speak soon!
 
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