brunettegoddess
New member
It's really quite late and I'm not sure why I decided to get around to this right now. However, here I am. I am quite the night owl. I do best going to bed at 3 or 4am and get up around noon. If only the rest of the world liked that schedule
The boy and his roommate are out of town for the weekend. This is the first time since I moved in that no one has been here to sleep in the apt with me at night. I was a bit spooked earlier about some noises but I've checked the whole apt. Just me. And honestly, I've got a knife under the mattress. Sounds weird but I do that stupid superstitious crap where I like to be safe for no reason. Clearly, a knife will keep any intruder at bay... I digress (which I will do approx. 2 billion times before I reach my goal weight).
I've really been thinking about my appearance, self esteem, et al, these passed few days. I found the questions below on the WLD top thread so I figure I would post them.
-- How much weight do you want to lose?
Ultimately, another 50 pounds.
-- What is the timeframe for reaching your target weight?
I know that this timeframe is supposed to help, but being in recovery from an eating disorder, I don't want to put a time limit on it. If I do that, I will become unrealistic. I will start a crap load of mental games with myself that I don't need if I'm going to be successful this time. So the time frame is out the window. Just lots of motivation through the things in my life will do. Plus hey, if I'm about to become drop dead gorgeous... I WANT to remember this. To quote a favorite show of mine, "We cannot know what will occur, Just make the journey worth the taking, And pray we're wiser than we were in the beginning..."
-- How do you want to accomplish your goal (what methods do you want to use)?
I'm going to really start watching what I eat. Jeff likes his ice cream and oreo cookies. And I guess that's not the devil when you weigh 140lbs (yes, my boyfriend is considerably thinner than I am... but he's not as physically fit ). I'm going to add more fish to my diet. When the funds become available, I'd like to join a gym and start kick boxing. Right now I'm doing some walking and a few hours of frisbee a week. I used to be a lot more active than that but the funds are low for any sort of fitness equipment at the moment.
-- Who or what can support you in reaching your goal?
Journaling. Making myself responsible for what I put in my mouth. It's so easy to eat nutter butter bars when they're the only thing in the apt and I'm famished and have 10 minutes to be out the door to an interview I'm already late for. Having to document what I eat will guilt trip me since I find it nearly impossible to lie. My boyfriend will support me. The lovely people on this site will provide encouragement and enlightenment.
-- How realistic is your goal?
I think it's realistic. Becoming 135 is a very healthy weight for someone my height, frame and age.
-- When will you start?
I'm a frequenter of the "tomorrow diet", the "monday diet", the "first of the month diet", the "next semester" diet, the "summer diet". I do feel like I've already started. I've been taking a few weeks to glide myself into a mindset. For a few months I wanted to lose weight but I wasn't ready to lose weight. Now I feel ready. I guess that two days ago when I registered could be considered my first day, or maybe this journal is the first day. I've already started. I'm already here.
In other news, I had a job interview today to work at this really nice upscale restaurant. I discussed with Jeff that I had been worried about the interview because I am a size 14 with roly poly arms and hams for thighs. Having a beautiful face is my saving grace in all of this. Nonetheless, I went to get dressed for my interview today and I hadn't put on the skirt or fitted jacket since Jeff's birthday dinner over a month ago. Lo and behold, the skirt sat lower on my waist and the jacket looks a bit too big. I was certainly surprised.
I landed the job. I thought the interview was great. Being an opera singer, people might think that I'm the life of the party. I can be such a wall flower with new people. Interviews make me nervous. I've been a concert soloist for crowds upwards of 1000+ people and that doesn't make me nervous. Interviews and public speaking make me dig nails into a chair. oy. Anyway, now that I have this job I'm starting to freak out about being the fat girl. This restaurant is in midtown. Atlanta is such a young city to begin with. I know there are obese people here or those who dress worse than a five year old left to his own vices at 7am, but heck if I've seen any of them. I wouldn't say the people here are necessarily gorgeous. But they are most certainly much more slender and trendy. The fear of being the fat, ugly girl makes me not want to take this job which is a shame because it's such a freaking awesome place. I will finally work somewhere cool for once. I just hope I don't stress myself out over everything. This isn't a career job. What I look like will only shape my social experience. It won't make me a worse employee or more importantly, a worse opera singer. I just need to remind myself to not show fear or weakness and I can't possibly be eaten alive (that's a mental trick I use as a performer).
I don't know how much this sort of thing is discussed on these boards or how many will find this topic offensive, but when you lose weight, or at least when I lose weight, that certain girl time of the month changes. I'm having a bit of a rough time getting my hormones and uterus to be in harmony. For a long time I was able to hold off the cramps, mood swings, headaches, eating. It also arrived like clockwork. But these last two months I've been eating like food is going out of style the week before. I nearly collapsed with cramps today. I've had two migraines. And to top it off, I've sobbed uncontrollably. It's awful. Losing weight has always made any symptoms I've had become less or completely gone. This time all of that stuff is like a raging wildfire. It's ridiculously stressful. Now I will stop making the men folk uncomfortable.
I will also go to bed. It's later than I wanted to get in bed tonight. C'est la vie!
The boy and his roommate are out of town for the weekend. This is the first time since I moved in that no one has been here to sleep in the apt with me at night. I was a bit spooked earlier about some noises but I've checked the whole apt. Just me. And honestly, I've got a knife under the mattress. Sounds weird but I do that stupid superstitious crap where I like to be safe for no reason. Clearly, a knife will keep any intruder at bay...
I digress (which I will do approx. 2 billion times before I reach my goal weight).I've really been thinking about my appearance, self esteem, et al, these passed few days. I found the questions below on the WLD top thread so I figure I would post them.
-- How much weight do you want to lose?
Ultimately, another 50 pounds.
-- What is the timeframe for reaching your target weight?
I know that this timeframe is supposed to help, but being in recovery from an eating disorder, I don't want to put a time limit on it. If I do that, I will become unrealistic. I will start a crap load of mental games with myself that I don't need if I'm going to be successful this time. So the time frame is out the window. Just lots of motivation through the things in my life will do. Plus hey, if I'm about to become drop dead gorgeous... I WANT to remember this. To quote a favorite show of mine, "We cannot know what will occur, Just make the journey worth the taking, And pray we're wiser than we were in the beginning..."
-- How do you want to accomplish your goal (what methods do you want to use)?
I'm going to really start watching what I eat. Jeff likes his ice cream and oreo cookies. And I guess that's not the devil when you weigh 140lbs (yes, my boyfriend is considerably thinner than I am... but he's not as physically fit
). I'm going to add more fish to my diet. When the funds become available, I'd like to join a gym and start kick boxing. Right now I'm doing some walking and a few hours of frisbee a week. I used to be a lot more active than that but the funds are low for any sort of fitness equipment at the moment. -- Who or what can support you in reaching your goal?
Journaling. Making myself responsible for what I put in my mouth. It's so easy to eat nutter butter bars when they're the only thing in the apt and I'm famished and have 10 minutes to be out the door to an interview I'm already late for. Having to document what I eat will guilt trip me since I find it nearly impossible to lie. My boyfriend will support me. The lovely people on this site will provide encouragement and enlightenment.
-- How realistic is your goal?
I think it's realistic. Becoming 135 is a very healthy weight for someone my height, frame and age.
-- When will you start?
I'm a frequenter of the "tomorrow diet", the "monday diet", the "first of the month diet", the "next semester" diet, the "summer diet". I do feel like I've already started. I've been taking a few weeks to glide myself into a mindset. For a few months I wanted to lose weight but I wasn't ready to lose weight. Now I feel ready. I guess that two days ago when I registered could be considered my first day, or maybe this journal is the first day. I've already started. I'm already here.
In other news, I had a job interview today to work at this really nice upscale restaurant. I discussed with Jeff that I had been worried about the interview because I am a size 14 with roly poly arms and hams for thighs. Having a beautiful face is my saving grace in all of this. Nonetheless, I went to get dressed for my interview today and I hadn't put on the skirt or fitted jacket since Jeff's birthday dinner over a month ago. Lo and behold, the skirt sat lower on my waist and the jacket looks a bit too big. I was certainly surprised.
I landed the job. I thought the interview was great. Being an opera singer, people might think that I'm the life of the party. I can be such a wall flower with new people. Interviews make me nervous. I've been a concert soloist for crowds upwards of 1000+ people and that doesn't make me nervous. Interviews and public speaking make me dig nails into a chair. oy. Anyway, now that I have this job I'm starting to freak out about being the fat girl. This restaurant is in midtown. Atlanta is such a young city to begin with. I know there are obese people here or those who dress worse than a five year old left to his own vices at 7am, but heck if I've seen any of them. I wouldn't say the people here are necessarily gorgeous. But they are most certainly much more slender and trendy. The fear of being the fat, ugly girl makes me not want to take this job which is a shame because it's such a freaking awesome place. I will finally work somewhere cool for once. I just hope I don't stress myself out over everything. This isn't a career job. What I look like will only shape my social experience. It won't make me a worse employee or more importantly, a worse opera singer. I just need to remind myself to not show fear or weakness and I can't possibly be eaten alive (that's a mental trick I use as a performer).
I don't know how much this sort of thing is discussed on these boards or how many will find this topic offensive, but when you lose weight, or at least when I lose weight, that certain girl time of the month changes. I'm having a bit of a rough time getting my hormones and uterus to be in harmony. For a long time I was able to hold off the cramps, mood swings, headaches, eating. It also arrived like clockwork. But these last two months I've been eating like food is going out of style the week before. I nearly collapsed with cramps today. I've had two migraines. And to top it off, I've sobbed uncontrollably. It's awful.
Losing weight has always made any symptoms I've had become less or completely gone. This time all of that stuff is like a raging wildfire. It's ridiculously stressful. Now I will stop making the men folk uncomfortable.I will also go to bed. It's later than I wanted to get in bed tonight. C'est la vie!
