because i'm worth it!! (aren't we all??!)

Hey there Sorry I havent been around for a bit, Ive been dealing with a fair amount on my end, i think im startign to feel a bit better though.A lil more like Cerella at least:)

Im sorry you left the challenge, i dont think you should have been intimidated, it is just all the basics ya know that alot of us do to use.Track our food, good or bad, drink alot of water, exercisea lot but everythign would have been at your pace ya know:)What you could have done and working at it.

If ya ever notice my food (i gotta start posting it agian in my diary) I hardly eat perfect, LOL...

Glad to see you are keeping well.How was the bday?Did ya get a cake, I cant remember if I noticed a post about it.

By the way you look great in the current pic and you are very pretty lady!!!
 
yeahhh happy birthday...
mmm... i know what alta is saying...
its sad that she behaves in such a manner...
i dont think after 20 years or soo that i could
hold a grudge... especially with my sister...
it does say alot more about her... than you...
i believe that whole-heartedly!
 
Aaawww im sorry abt all your sister crap and sorry I forgot to comment on it...damn tired brain that cant remember nothing:(

Happy fuckin bday HUH...

BIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH - at least we all know you are alot better than she is:):hug2:
 
warning! huge family related ramble though there is food/eating issues addressed too!

with the all my sister crap (nicely put cinderelly) my mind started to go over the reason for my not speaking to her in first place...yes i stopped speaking to her...but while i have managed to put her out of my mind for the most part...by going a bit ice queenie...it seems shes festered about it all...well thats the only reason i can think of to try & explain the hurtful things shes said. i never hated her...i just felt really let down by her...as my big sister.

then again although i know its not a very nice thing of me to say...i just think shes not a very likeable person!! one recent eg...not long ago she told my parents to only send money to her children & not gifts as the gifts they choose are always unwanted & cheap??! actually they're not they spend £30 on each grandchild for xmas/birthday pressies etc...but even if they were not the kind of thing any decent person would say!! anyway suffice to say my parents stopped speaking to her...but not speaking to each other seems to be a family trait...as i don't speak to my parents either...

i'll shorthand everything to get to the eating issues with my father which i've only just suddenly remembered about...i've already mentioned how my mother used to ban foods/keep 'nicer' foods for my dad etc...but then i'd defy her & eat them!!

parents abusive in different ways...dad did the hitting...on any whim of my mum's usually...while mommie dearest (if i ever get around to writing a book about my mother can i use that title although it was a movie about joan crawford?!) seemed to relish just thinking up ways to try & break my spirit...she never did. even the not speaking thing i credit her for starting...she used to sometimes wake my younger sister of a morning & say we're not speaking to 'her' meaning me!!? my sister out of fear (though as the 'baby' of the family she never got hit) would not speak to me all day...despite our sharing a room!! still you have to take responsibility for your own actions when an adult so can't really blame our mother for the fact that my younger sister & i have only just started speaking after 2yrs!! but think the pattern was set in our childhood...that not speaking somehow the 'norm' & acceptable...

i digress...

1983 was the actual yr i stopped speaking to my sister...(so alot > 20 yrs!!) but it was also the year she left for university so no one really noticed...a few things happened this year that i found so distressing that they had an indirect (or should that be direct??) effect not so much on my relationship with food as such but how i felt when eating at meal times with my family.

jesus!! i can go on...3am here so goodnight/morning...i'll either finsh this later today...or else i'll be mortified & delete it all!!
 
well despite email upset...didn't turn to food!! silver lining...

i watched a documentary recently...i've been meaning to post about it on the emotional eating thread...in it, it said to feel the emotions instead of suffocating them with food...so i did just that...hence the tears i mentioned.

things carried on a bit more over the w/end...plus finn was ill too...so my sister (no not 'that' sister...a different one LOL) brought me a late sunday dinner round...but as i'd already eaten i let it cool, wrapped the plate in tin foil & put it in the fridge...it'll keep till tomorrow...might not sound much but for me not to overeat after an emotional upset is a real mini miracle!!







these are from over your side...very mellow...both songs featured in greys anatomy/boy candy store...dr mcdreamy?? well who the hell wouldn't??!:newangel:
 
well better out than in...so more family crap!!

was weird when i started thinking back to the time i stopped speaking to my sister b/c suddenly it all came back to me how i hated sitting down to family meal times...very tense atmosphere...very stressful occasions...on a nightly basis... :angelsad2:

we all had to sit in the same seat every time...mine was right next to my dad...no one was allowed to talk (at all!!) which meant that sometimes my younger sister would get an attack of nervous giggles that i'd get a smack on the face for...i was nearest to him & apparently i'd 'made her do it'?? i also got a smack if i ate too fast or too slow...if i got food on the handle of knife?? no wonder i did...my nerves were gone...as it seemed whatever i did i got a smack...it wasn't even the actual smack that bothered me (as nothing new) ...but the fact that i couldn't just walk away from him & the situation. if i wanted to eat i had to stay...& even if i didn't want/like what was on my plate...i was made to eat it anyway & couldn't leave table till plate empty.

at other times for whatever reason my mother cared to give...i'd be told i wasn't having any tea that evening...& would then 'starve' all night cursing her to myself & obsessing over what i was going to eat the next morning before school when she'd already left for work...usually instead of cereal or toast i'd eat a handful of the 'special' biscuits she kept for my dad just to get back at her...in so doing setting myself up for a very unhealthy relationship with food...which i'm only just trying to unravel now...30 yrs later!! but i'll do it!!
 
so to 1983 my annus horribilis!!

things got so bad this yr that i ended up having almost panic attacks at the thought of sitting down to eat at the table with my dad...funny (not funny hahaha...LOL) how i remember all this now...as i always considered my mother to be the main instigator in any trouble i had with my dad but the not wanting to sit at the table (to the point of feeling sick) was all about him not her...

it was even her who'd caused all the bloody stress i'd had to deal with that yr!! she did a few spiteful things like taking my diaries round to my BF's house to show his mother??! think she was convinced we we were having sex...we weren't...despite my doing my very best to tempt him...he was a very good catholic boy!! someone once told me he became a priest don't know if thats true or not...but lets just say he certainly had the self control for the priesthood!!

then came her piece de resistance...for reasons known only to her...one day while we were having an argument in the kitchen (i was 16) she shouted to my dad by his full name...which i knew spelt trouble straight away as she never really called him by his name...so i knew she was 'buttering him up'.

looking me right in the eye she suddenly started screaming 'quick shes hitting me!!!' i was nowhere near her!!! i would never have hit her & he knew that... but chose to believe her anyway...i won't go in to the details of what actually happened...suffice to say probably my worse beating ever...

while it was going on my younger sister was hysterical screaming...while my older sister stayed in her room...& turned up her stereo...(or maybe radio as it was 1983!!LOL) i never forgot that, especially as just two days earlier i had pleaded with my dad not to embarrass her in front of her new BF b/c she was late home (by 10 mins...) instead he smacked me in the face for 'butting in'...afterwards she told me she'd always stand up for me too...yeah right...
 
but it was what my sister did next...

that caused me the most upset that yr...she went to our headmaster & told him i had done the marks & bruises to myself!!!? this was after i had been sent to the school nurse by my form teacher who had noticed bruises on me. i broke down (finally) with relief thinking i'd be taken out of my home (my dream!!) but i knew something had happened when the headmaster said he was to busy to see me agian & the next time i saw the nurse she said lets have no more of this nonsense shall we?? i knew they'd 'won'...that no one would believe me against my sister (older in the 6th form) & my parents...i didn't even really try to disuade them...i think i was just so shocked & disappointed by what my sister had done.

i don't know to this day did why she did it...to save face?? she'd rather have a 'looney sister' that self harms than abusive parents?? who knows?? as thats when i stopped speaking to her...there was no trust left.

i had to get through my O level exams knowing the teachers thought i was cuckoo!! seriously though not nice...

during the summer just after my exams finished i broke out in shingles...which often occurs due to emotional stress...it was around this time to i found i just could no longer eat with the family at meal times...i used to shake with nerves. i must have looked bad as even my mother went along with my excuses as to why i was eating later/earlier than them etc. to make matters even worse...my eldest sister went off to university & so i got my wish...a different seat at the table!! but my excitement was short lived when i found that my mother had put me opposite my dad...so i had the stress of not wanting to make eye contact with him....it was a bloody nightmare!!!

but...big deep breath...its all over!!!


we can all liberate ourselves from our pasts...:hurray:

you can't change what happened in your past...but you can change how you react to it...& you can choose to move on!!

thoughts can change behaviour...
positive thoughts will create the energy to make it happen!!

healthiness is my desired objective...& being confident & in control of what i eat & when...after all my/your body is more important than that instant short term 'hit' of chocolate/cake/crisps whatever...after all its our vehicle for a lifetime!!
 
hey hey! good job! we have something in common! i also lost a pound. this weight is-a scared and running away in droves! keep it up!
 
oooooh winters not over yet!!!

just got back from taking our dog molly to the beach...we battled the wind & rain to get there...about a 25 minute walk there & back...so thats a good 50 mins cardio not even counting walking & running about on the sand. the 'old me'...all of 2 wks ago :D would have said sod that its raining!! but i didn't!! we were the only ones at the beach...obviously no ones as hardcore as us LOL...whats wrong with a bit of rain?? & nothing beats the wind in your face at the beach to make you feel really alive!!

since getting back...loads of energy...isn't amazing how quickly your body can bounce back from abject slothfulness!!!:jump:
 
i was thinking...

as i walked home from the beach...about really big ppl...the kind who end up getting lowered out of windows by a crane to go to hospital...

i remember watching a documentary last year & even then thinking...how did they get like that?? why didn't they 'just' stop eating etc!!?

but the only difference between them & myself is time...they have eaten more than their body has needed or known what to do with other than store it as fat for longer than i have thats all...

more days/weeks/months/years overeating & thinking they would lose the weight next week/month/year...thats it...the one difference...just time...


to quote...

i will not fail...
THE ROAD CALLED SOMEDAY LEADS TO A TOWN CALLED NOWHERE!

and

schwa...
"You may delay, but time will not." Ben Franklin
 
Hey Bag,

Wow what a diary. Growing up for you sounds like a nightmare and there is no wonder you have a few issues with food!

I just wanted to send a quick message to stay stick with it, it's inspiring that you are giving your weight loss a good go. Extra congrats on the rainy walk on the beach!

xx
 
hi jess!!

thanks for your support!!

jesus!!? did you read through all my looooong rambles about my family??

well y'know what they say...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!! i can remember watching the movie about frances farmer with jessica lange i think it was, yrs ago...& thinking sh*t...thats what my mother would love to do to me if she could LOL...as frances' mother had her committed & subjected to electric shock treatments to break her spirit & make her conform...very scary stuff!!:eek:


edit...
btw i meant i think jessica lange was starring in the movie...not that i actually watched it with her hahaha
 
Last edited:
Hey hun, sorry I’ve been away. I just caught myself up on your journal and gracious! What a story! I love your attitude though... whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger. And you're right, it's all behind you now and you're in control.

As for the "really big people" you mentioned. I know just what you're saying. I often find myself looking in the mirror thinking, "My God! You were 175 lbs. How did you let this happen?!" If I don't change something within myself then that could conceivably be me on the crane one day. *gulp*
 
no i see you riding down those highways in no time :driving:
(sorry they didn't have a bike one...plus i've never used that smilie before)

but i hope to catch you up...


in losses :)
 
baglady2713 said:
with the all my sister crap (nicely put cinderelly) my mind started to go over the reason for my not speaking to her in first place...

i'll shorthand everything to get to the eating issues with my father which i've only just suddenly remembered about...i've already mentioned how my mother used to ban foods/keep 'nicer' foods for my dad etc...but then i'd defy her & eat them!!

parents abusive in different ways... still you have to take responsibility for your own actions when an adult so can't really blame our mother for the fact that my younger sister & i have only just started speaking after 2yrs!! but think the pattern was set in our childhood...that not speaking somehow the 'norm' & acceptable...
Click to expand...

Hey Chicky...WOW...and lol thanx...My parents were both abused as children in very different wayz...When they had us they agreed the abuse stopped with their childhood and they would never mis treat us in anyway...Very admirable and very hard for someone who was abused to not continue the cycle of abuse...

So guve yourself a big pat on the back:hurray:As I am sure hearing how you talk abt Finn that you dont avuse him...in anyway or form.

Adutls do need to take responsibility in some way or form...Even if she just apologized for not knowing any better ya know...


baglady2713 said:
in it, it said to feel the emotions instead of suffocating them with food...so i did just that...hence the tears i mentioned.

things carried on a bit more over the w/end...plus finn was ill too...so my sister (no not 'that' sister...a different one LOL) brought me a late sunday dinner round...but as i'd already eaten i let it cool, wrapped the plate in tin foil & put it in the fridge...it'll keep till tomorrow...might not sound much but for me not to overeat after an emotional upset is a real mini miracle!!
Click to expand...


Ya heh, the feeling emotion part is a hard one...I did that when I seperated and worked through depression and so on...it was a long hard rough road but i wanted to work through things and feel them and now I was dealign with them ya know.Crying and releasing things...Damn hard but ya gotta do it.I beleive we need to feel it in order to get over it ya know, be truthful to ourselves and realistic...Facw it head on!!!

Awesome abt not eating again:)That is a BIG thing, putting the meal away and saving it for later:hug2:


baglady2713 said:
we all had to sit in the same seat every time...mine was right next to my dad...no one was allowed to talk (at all!!) which meant that sometimes my younger sister would get an attack of nervous giggles that i'd get a smack on the face for...i was nearest to him & apparently i'd 'made her do it'?? i also got a smack if i ate too fast or too slow...if i got food on the handle of knife?? no wonder i did...my nerves were gone...as it seemed whatever i did i got a smack...it wasn't even the actual smack that bothered me (as nothing new) ...but the fact that i couldn't just walk away from him & the situation. if i wanted to eat i had to stay...& even if i didn't want/like what was on my plate...i was made to eat it anyway & couldn't leave table till plate empty.

at other times for whatever reason my mother cared to give...i'd be told i wasn't having any tea that evening...& would then 'starve' all night cursing her to myself & obsessing over what i was going to eat the next morning before school when she'd already left for work...usually instead of cereal or toast i'd eat a handful of the 'special' biscuits she kept for my dad just to get back at her...in so doing setting myself up for a very unhealthy relationship with food...which i'm only just trying to unravel now...30 yrs later!! but i'll do it!!
Click to expand...

Damn girl...ya know, no wonder you have struggled and obsessed over food/have a unhealthy relationship with it and etc...I dont blame you I would too, anyone would.And not being able to be in control and beign able to remove yourself makes it ten times worse, especially as a child...

I forgot to comment on this in one of the other posts BUT that is horrible that your dad had "special food" that only he could eat...I would retaliate and eat it too, screw me and screw her!!!

I work in a group home.I care for individuals who are Developementally Diasbeled...

Out this way there was this Institution and the individuals were basically treated like animals.3 outta our 4 guys came from there.

Anyway in this other house, same thing 3 of the 4 came from that home and they display the effects of their treatment while there.

All the issues are related to food/around food.At meal times they assembly lined themselves and the guys.WHat they did was one person put down the plates and another person slopped on food while the third person behind them cam and picked up the plates, just like that , that fast.SO if they didnt eat as fast as they could they wouldnt eat cuz the food would be taken away.

In the other house the wmn eat as fast as they can , they push ya around and bully you (well try to).They arealways in fear that this will be their last meal and if they dont eat fast enough they wont get anymore or get to eat agian.It is so sad really...The effects of abuse are horrible...abuse is horrible nad I dont understand how any human being can treat anothe that way, especially A) Your own child/flesh and blood B) SOmeone you are supposta be caring for/helping...It is sickening.

Anyway that just reminded me of that...

 
WOW had to break up my post into two, that has never happend before, LOL

baglady2713 said:
it was even her who'd caused all the bloody stress i'd had to deal with that yr!! she did a few spiteful things like taking my diaries round to my BF's house to show his mother??! think she was convinced we we were having sex...we weren't...despite my doing my very best to tempt him...he was a very good catholic boy!! someone once told me he became a priest don't know if thats true or not...but lets just say he certainly had the self control for the priesthood!!

then came her piece de resistance...for reasons known only to her...one day while we were having an argument in the kitchen (i was 16) she shouted to my dad by his full name...which i knew spelt trouble straight away as she never really called him by his name...so i knew she was 'buttering him up'.

looking me right in the eye she suddenly started screaming 'quick shes hitting me!!!' i was nowhere near her!!! i would never have hit her & he knew that... but chose to believe her anyway...i won't go in to the details of what actually happened...suffice to say probably my worse beating ever...

while it was going on my younger sister was hysterical screaming...while my older sister stayed in her room...& turned up her stereo...(or maybe radio as it was 1983!!LOL) i never forgot that, especially as just two days earlier i had pleaded with my dad not to embarrass her in front of her new BF b/c she was late home (by 10 mins...) instead he smacked me in the face for 'butting in'...afterwards she told me she'd always stand up for me too...yeah right...
Click to expand...

OMFG!!!Absolutly horrible...Your mom was one screwed up mother but your sis, geeesh, that would make me never wanna talk to her agian as well, especially if you were taking punches for her earlier.Eeryone just sat around listening to you getting the shit kicked outta way...That is repulsive!!!

And the things your mom did, wow...

baglady2713 said:
that caused me the most upset that yr...she went to our headmaster & told him i had done the marks & bruises to myself!!!? this was after i had been sent to the school nurse by my form teacher who had noticed bruises on me. i broke down (finally) with relief thinking i'd be taken out of my home (my dream!!) but i knew something had happened when the headmaster said he was to busy to see me agian & the next time i saw the nurse she said lets have no more of this nonsense shall we?? i knew they'd 'won'...that no one would believe me against my sister (older in the 6th form) & my parents...i didn't even really try to disuade them...i think i was just so shocked & disappointed by what my sister had done.

i don't know to this day did why she did it...to save face?? she'd rather have a 'looney sister' that self harms than abusive parents?? who knows?? as thats when i stopped speaking to her...there was no trust left.

i had to get through my O level exams knowing the teachers thought i was cuckoo!! seriously though not nice...

during the summer just after my exams finished i broke out in shingles...which often occurs due to emotional stress...it was around this time to i found i just could no longer eat with the family at meal times...i used to shake with nerves. i must have looked bad as even my mother went along with my excuses as to why i was eating later/earlier than them etc. to make matters even worse...my eldest sister went off to university & so i got my wish...a different seat at the table!! but my excitement was short lived when i found that my mother had put me opposite my dad...so i had the stress of not wanting to make eye contact with him....it was a bloody nightmare!!!

but...big deep breath...its all over!!!


we can all liberate ourselves from our pasts...:hurray:

you can't change what happened in your past...but you can change how you react to it...& you can choose to move on!!

thoughts can change behaviour...
positive thoughts will create the energy to make it happen!!

healthiness is my desired objective...& being confident & in control of what i eat & when...after all my/your body is more important than that instant short term 'hit' of chocolate/cake/crisps whatever...after all its our vehicle for a lifetime!!
Click to expand...

Jeeesus hun...What a bitch your sis was, just when ya didnt think she could get worse she did...What would posses her to say such a thing...worried abt things coming out abt the fam, scared ? Just wanting to give you yours adn be meanier?I really dont understand ppl and their vendictive behaviour...

Like you said it is ALL IN THE PAST...and you are a survivoir:hug2:This explains to me, speaks to me in volumes actually as to why I senced you were such a strong person.I got that vibe fromt he first me we chatted:)Im attracted to strong ppl!!!

And your quotes are awesome!!!

baglady2713 said:
:Angel_anim: one more lb lost!!!

weigh in day actually friday...but i just knew i'd lost another!!
Click to expand...

WOOOHOO!!!How much have ya lost so far???

baglady2713 said:
just got back from taking our dog molly to the beach...we battled the wind & rain to get there...about a 25 minute walk there & back...so thats a good 50 mins cardio not even counting walking & running about on the sand. the 'old me'...all of 2 wks ago :D would have said sod that its raining!! but i didn't!! we were the only ones at the beach...obviously no ones as hardcore as us LOL...whats wrong with a bit of rain?? & nothing beats the wind in your face at the beach to make you feel really alive!!

since getting back...loads of energy...isn't amazing how quickly your body can bounce back from abject slothfulness!!!:jump:
Click to expand...

We go for walks in the rain as well and dont let it stop us.I live in Vancoucer, nickname Raincouver, if we let the rain stop us we would never do nothing, :smilielol5:It is nice to get out in the showers to help ya feel rejuivinated and alive!!!Especially when no one else is out adn about in it:)

Good for you for going out in the rain and toot he beach.I bet Molly enjoyed it!!!

baglady2713 said:
but the only difference between them & myself is time...they have eaten more than their body has needed or known what to do with other than store it as fat for longer than i have thats all...

more days/weeks/months/years overeating & thinking they would lose the weight next week/month/year...thats it...the one difference...just time...


to quote...

i will not fail...
THE ROAD CALLED SOMEDAY LEADS TO A TOWN CALLED NOWHERE!

and

schwa...
"You may delay, but time will not." Ben Franklin
Click to expand...


Those are great quotes and you are here doing this and taking the time you need to work throguh things, cleanse your soul and take control and charge.YOUR DOING IT BABY!!!
 
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