Bad joke thread

C

CrazyOldMan

2
This is supposed to be open talk, not fitness related so I figured what the heck.

The clue is in the name. Good jokes will be accepted, and fitness related humour is allowed. But there is no quality control so the jokes you never dared tell are welcome here.

These are jokes so stereotypes etc. will abound, we don't have to believe them to find them funny.

Three surgeons are talking about who is easiest to operate on.
The first declares "Electricians are easiest, open them up and everything is colour coded."
"Nonsense," blustered the second, "it has to be accountants. Everything is organised and numbered."
The third smiled a calmly stated "My dear fellows you are both wrong. It has to be politicians, no heart, no guts, no brains and the head and butt are interchangeable."

The president of the USA looks at a beautiful forest and muses aloud. "I wonder if there are rabbits in that wood."
One of the other ministers hears this and decides the country needs to know.
Within a month the CIA, military intelligence and FBI have all come to show the results of their work.
The CIA show details of the research program stating clearly there are such things as rabbits and some live in woodlands.
Military intelligence sent teams in to check for the presence of rabbits and report the problem has been eliminated.
The FBI bring in a bloodied and bruised bear crying out, "OK, OK I'm a rabbit."

British MI5 is recruiting an assassin. By the final test they are down to two men and a woman.
The first man comes into a small room, is handed a gun and told his wife is in the next room, he must go in and shoot her. The man goes pale and hands back the gun refusing to kill his wife.
The second man is given the same, walks into the room, then after a few minutes, comes back out in tears saying he couldn't do it.
The woman comes in for the test. From outside the room the assessors heard the click of the door, numerous shots, then a whole barrage of bangs crashes and cries are heard. After a couple of minutes the woman re-appears sweating and dishevelled, hands back the gun saying "That thing was loaded with blanks, I had to beat him to death with the chair."
 
This one will make little sense to those outside of the UK.

Doctors decide that with all the speculation regarding the amount of our brains we used they had to be sure.
They took months finding a volunteer but eventually a man came forward, he had very little time to live but his brain was in full working order.
They gave him a bunch of tests, finding he was roughly the 100 IQ average perfect for testing.
First they remove 1/10 of his brain, gave him the tests again, and there was no difference.
Next they removed half of his brain, this time there was a difference but nothing major.
Then they removed 90% of the brain. As soon as he woke he started raving about shopping, shoes and everything pink.
Thrilled with their success they decided to remove all of the brain. It took a few days for the patient to wake but as his eyes opened he started to sing "Ferry cross the Mersey!"

An American is visiting the UK and walks into St. Pauls cathedral, marvelling at the treasures and beauty. He then notices a phone in one corner with a notice, phone calls £5,000 a minute. He enquires about this and is told, this is a line to God himself. Nodding exasperated he walks away and continues his tour.
In Glasgow he visits St Mungo's Cathedral, and there again among the artistry he finds a phone with the same sign, after asking he finds this too is a direct line to God. Nodding politely he leaves.
In Ireland he is caught out in a storm and seeks shelter in a small run down church. Here there is no grandeur but in the corner is a similar looking phone with a notice saying phone calls 50p a minute. He asks about this, and is told that it is a direct line to God. "But I have seen these in other places asking for 10,000 times as much."
The priest smiles and nods as he responds "Ah but, you see from here it's a local call."

A man is looking at a rather macabre exhibition of famous people body parts, and notices that some of them have price tags.
Albert Einstein’s brain $200
Elvis's hips $500
Barry White's voice box $300
George Bush's brain $50,000
When he notices this last he takes offense and summons one of the staff. "how could you dare sell the brain of a genius like Einstein for less than George Bush's?"
"Well you always have to pay more for something that hasn't been used."
 
You already know how bad my jokes are, and you've already seen this one, but for the sake of destroying minds across the board, here's a link to the story of .
 
You hear about the irish shoplifter? Found dead under Tesco.

The police have arrested an irishman at the hospital, for killing his wife in an acid bath. He lost his arm pulling the plug out.

Paddy and Murphy are at the job centre and see an advert 'Tree Fellers Wanted'
Paddy turns to Murphy and says 'Shame there's just the two of us.'

Englishman irishman and a scotsman are to face the firing squad.
The englishman goes up first as the squad are lining up he shouts 'Hurricane!' and runs away as they all look.
The scotsman goes up next shouts 'Lightning!' and runs away as they all look.
The irishman notices this and forms his plan. As the squad are lining up he points and shouts 'Fire!'

2 english men, 2 scots and 2 irish men are stranded on a desert island. After a week the 2 scots have built a distilery. After 2 weeks the irish have beaten up the scots and taken over the distilery. After a month the 2 english men are still waiting to be formally introduced.

3 new fathers are waiting in the hospital, an englishman a welshman and a Pakistani. There is a long delay and a member of hospital staff comes out to say there has been a mix up in the cribs and they aren't sure which baby is whose. They will have to go in and select the baby they feel most likely to be theirs.
The englishman goes in first and comes out with a baby that looks quite clearly like it belongs to the Pakistani. The member of staff asks if he's sure he has the right baby.
'One of those other two babies is Welsh. I'm taking no chances.'
 
A man has been stranded on a desert island for 3 years, given up any hope of rescue or even companionship.
There is a major storm one night and as he looks out from his shelter he sees a light coming his way. As it draws closer he sees it is a lifeboat with no oars visible and it soon washes up on the shore.
He rushes out to find a woman passed out in the boat. He grabs her, takes her to his shelter and revives her.
When she wakes and sees him she asks 'Been here long?'
'Three years.'
'Three years without a drink?'
The man nods.
The woman undoes a button on her jacket, pulls out a hip flask from an inside pocket and hands it to him.
He sips the quality liquor and thanks her.
'Three years without a smoke?'
He nods again.
The woman undoes the other button on her jacket and reaches into another pocket producing some slim cigars and a lighter and hands them to him.
The man lights one, slowly draws his first taste of tobacco and thanks her again.
The woman looks at the man smiling and says 'Three years without playing around?' as she starts to unbutton her blouse.
'You mean...' stammers the man evidently excited
'Yes.' she purrs.
'You have a set of golf clubs in there.'
 
The new italian bride Sophia is worried about her wedding night and goes to speak to her grandmother. 'Granmama, what am I to do. I have never been with a man before.'
'It's alright child, Antonio he is a good man, he will take care of you, just as your grandpa did for me while he was alive. And if you need be I will be just downstairs.'
In the bridal suite Antonio takes of his shirt to reveal black curly hair on his chest. Sophia panics and runs downstairs. 'Granmama, Antonio he has thick hair on his chest. What do I do?'
'It's alright child all good italian men have the hairy chest.'
Sophia goes back upstairs. Antonio takes of his trousers to reveal a burn on his right thigh. Panicked she runs back downstairs 'Granmama, he has a big scar on his leg. What do I do?'
'That's from when he rescued a child from a burning house. He's a hero, it's nothing to worry about.'
Sophia went back upstairs. Antonio took off a sock and shoe then after a delay sheepishly removed the other exposing he was missing the end of his right foot. Sophia ran back downstairs 'Granmama, I really don't know what to do. Antonio he has one and a half feet.'
Her grandmother's eyes widened 'You stay here child. Grandma will deal with this.'
 
Blind man walks into a bar and asks if anyone wants to hear a blonde joke.
The bar goes quiet as one of the customers starts speaking 'There are 5 ladies in here at the moment, myself and my girlfriend who are both dan grades in martial arts, 2 others who are professional weightlifters and a sharp shooter. All of us are blonde. Do you still want to tell your joke?'
The man replies disgruntled 'Not if I am going to have to explain it 5 times.'
 
So a guy and a giraffe walk into a bar and start taking shots.
The giraffe gets so drunk that he passes out on the floor, while his friend keeps drinking.
After his friend is done, he pays his tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender yells from behind the bar "Hey buddy, you can't leave that lyin' there"
The guy says "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
 
Guy walks into a bar looking thoroughly down in the dumps. He sits at the bar, reaches into one pocket producing a person about a foot tall, another producing a miniature piano. The miniature man starts playing and the sound is incredible, so much so the barman offers him a drink on the house.
'Where did you get that guy?' asks the barman.
'From a genie.'
'You have a genie?'
The man produces a bottle from another pocket. The barman asks if he could make a wish and is granted permission. As he's about to rub the man warns him, 'This genie has dreadful hearing.'
The barman nods, rubs the lamp and wishes for a million quid. Next thing the bar is full of slimy squid and the barman is seething. 'What the heck? This is going to take hours to clean up, and years to get rid of the smell.'
The man nods 'Tell me about it. You don't really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist do you?'
 
Inspired by todd18 and various others who feel that we are all waiting to read their web based processed pork produce.

What do you call 1,000 spammers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

How do you save a spammer from drowning?
Remove your foot from their head.

What's the difference between an outlaw and a spammer?
Outlaws are wanted.

General consensus is we wish spammers would can it.
 
Oh, I like that. Yesterday I updated the anti-spam notice on my website, so now it says: "There's a special place in hell for people who sell email addresses to spammers. Not suffering for eternity is one of my favourite things, so your details are safe with me."
 
the-one-liner-dog-joke-meme.jpg
 
Too much funny jokes around. The last line of the first one was too funny. 2nd one is a true story I believe, not a joke, they are really like this. 3rd one was..... I don't know what to say, It's killing me. I haven't read the others, saving for the next visit.
 
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