Are your "fat" friends shying away???

sirant

sirant

New member
let me explain.....

I have several foreign friends here in China that I used to hang out with on a pretty regular basis. At first they were very supportive of me trying to lose weight and we hung out as usual, just with me drinking less beer and making better choices in the bad restaurants. But then I REALLY started making progress and the weight started melting off me. I made a concsious effort not to go on and on about it at every turn, because they were not doing so well and my best encouragement was falling on deaf ears, much the same as I myself have been for years. So business as usual right?

Well, no, not really.

Now it seems that since I started making big improvements they are just naturally "assuming" I dont want to go out for a beer, or that I am too busy jogging or working out to do anything fun. When I try to invite them to do fun things, especially on my "days off" when I would go to nice restaurants and eat bad things and drink lots of beer with them, they will blow me off or have no time to chat, even online. Seems my overweight friends are pushing me away since I started making progress. I really do honestly make a big effort of not obsessing about the weight loss and just want to have fun like we did before. I could understand them not wanting to go jogging or to the gym, but not even chatting on MSN?

It's strange. I would hate to think it is jealousy that I am doing something they think is impossible. They are already jealous enough of my hot wife. (she is a looker and smart too) Could losing this weight, eating better and exercising more have changed me enough that they have lost interest in our friendship? Am I subconcsiously becoming something they despise?

I really don't understand. And since 90% of my foreign friends here are overweight, it leaves me doing a lot more alone than ever before. As much as these guys always said (before I lost 40 pounds) that they wanted to go to the gym, go to the park, shoot pool, go to movies and for beers and just generally hang out with me, they have all buggered off into obscurity now.

Anyone else experiencing this? Maybe thats why I spend so much time here on WLF.... No real life friends anymore..... Too bad really, I have so much more energy and fun to offer....

sirant
 
At a guess, I would say it's part jealousy, but probably only a small part. I think it's more likely that they think you wouldn't want to spend time with them any more because you've "moved on" and "left them behind". Maybe, when you ask if they want to go out for a beer, or whatever, they think you're just saying it to be kind to "the fat guy". Being a woman, I would probably take the wide-eyed, innocent approach - "you seem to be avoiding me lately, and I don't know why, have I done something to upset you?" - and hope it encourages them to open up, but I know men don't open up as easily. But seriously, I would try to get them to talk about what's bothering them. The other choice would seem to be to lose them as friends, and that would be sad.
 
That's really sad!
I think they might feel pretty bad around you cause you're doing so well and that may hurt their minds, because when they look at you they see that it's possible and they feel blame for being fat, may be your image pressure them in any way... I don't know, I just trying to think some explanations for one friend abandoning another friend, which I can't understand... May be it's time for you to make some new friends, look for people who have the same interests than you in spite of looking for people who have the same problem that you did... Because lets put a straight point in it... we all know people with problems about their body, like us, are likely to have some psychologal problems... So if you meet someone, fat or thin, make sure the pearson likes what you really are...
If you like those friends so much, you should probably talk openly to them... may be they understand and everything'll be ok or maybe they will step aside even much... What you cant do is keeping it to yourself because it's poisoning you!
If you think they arent such good people and they dont love you for the whole package... May be its you who must step aside...
People come and go dear, you should just keep the ones who really like you because you're wasting your time, energy and feelings with people who dont deserve the wonderful company you must be.
Hope you find your peace soon ;)
 
cant say i have a problem much with that sorry - sounds like you need better friends though,

Ill even volenteer first! :D
 
That is such a shame. Not something I have personally experienced though.
Did you and your friends spend alot of your pre-weight-loss time together talking about how you would like to lose weight, and now that you've done it could it be they feel they have less in common with you now?
Also seeing you, doing something they feel they ought to be doing, could be making them uneasy. So rather then try to make improvements they seem to be avoiding the issue, by avoiding you.
As others have said if you feel you can then talk to a few of them and try to get to the root of it. But if they cant be happy for you making progress in your life are they really the sort of people you want to be around?
Well hope that helped :)
 
Everyone is assuming jealously!

Maybe they are so supportive of your weight loss, they don't want to hang around you while you are losing it, so you will not fall back into bad habits.

Fine....its the jealously...
 
Good point DeepGreen...

DeepGreen said:
Everyone is assuming jealously!

Maybe they are so supportive of your weight loss, they don't want to hang around you while you are losing it, so you will not fall back into bad habits.

Fine....its the jealously...
Click to expand...

I suppose it really could be because they figure I am too busy working on this little "project" of mine. In a way, it's not so bad either I suppose. Means I can be a little more selfish and spend a little extra time pushing for my goals. I have been spending a hell of a lot of time online these days researching this crazy little weight loss game. Kind of ironic. Sitting around all day on computers at home and work was a bit part of what got me to my biggest size in years. But I do also spend 2-3 hours a day in some form of exercise or another. Had I been spending more friend/beer time and less exercise time I suspect I would not be sitting here with my first big goal around the corner.

Ah well, thanks for all the great responses anyways guys, maybe I will run into a bunch of really cool people jogging through the park someday. My Chinese should be good enough now.

OMG! I used to hate those smug looking jogger people that spent all their free time exercising..... Have I become one of them? Oh well, at least I will be healthy. :)

And wishes, thanks, I knew you were my friend already. ;) You are in one of the few friends I have here in almost the same time zone as me....

sirant
 
If you really cherish your relationship with these friends, you need to talk to them about what's going on. Although, it could be culture differences or communication where the problem lies. It does seem that either they are or think you are pretty superficial if they think you won't hang around with them because of their size now.


THere's a girl I know who I tried to befriend, and I have done many things for her. She had a baby and now is down into a size 2 or 1 (USA sizes) and is very thin. She invited us over for a party and asked about cake and when I told her not to count us in for cake, she said "YOu are still on a diet?" It really bothered me, because she lost weight by starving herself and diet pills where I am eating right and exercising. ... I found out at the party she was still taking diet pills.
 
when people change we feel a litte astaranged from them............it might just take a while to adjust to the new you and realize your still the same person!!!!

you know you can always make new buddies too!!!!
STAR
 
Sometimes seeing someone else succeed in doing something you yourself have repeatedly failed at (or been to afraid to try) can be inspiring - or it can be demoralizing. I had one very overweight friend who I (thought) I was close to, we talked a lot about losing weight and how great it would be and what we would do - then I actually stopped talking and started doing and we eventually went from seeing each other almost daily to people who only see each other at parties now. Months and months ago a mutual friend told me that L. said she didn't like being around me because everytime she looked at me she got mad at herself.
 
I hope you talk with them about this. Friends are important, especially friends who know how far you have come with your health. I find that when I go to lunch with my heavier friends now, they always comment on what I order now and say things like "oh come on! You can have more than that!" I think when I order healthier choices it makes them uncomfortable ordering unhealthy. Definately talk to them about it though.
 
Oh I try......

haley said:
I hope you talk with them about this. Friends are important, especially friends who know how far you have come with your health. I find that when I go to lunch with my heavier friends now, they always comment on what I order now and say things like "oh come on! You can have more than that!" I think when I order healthier choices it makes them uncomfortable ordering unhealthy. Definately talk to them about it though.
Click to expand...

Maybe its a guy thing.... Maybe its part of being a big guy in a country where that is not (yet) too common, maybe its a lot of things. I do try to talk to these guys, but really, they avoid my calls and dont even respond to me when I see them log on to MSN or by email. I have made many attempts and tried to discuss it with them in the past, but they are the ones turning me away. I know their work schedules, and they arent as crazy busy as they claim to be 24 hours a day.... They only work 10-15 hours a week... :)

It's really ok though. Whatever their reasons I have decided to use to the time constructively and have fun doing things they wouldnt want to do anyways. Most of these gents are morbidly obese and at this stage in the game have no intention or motivation to do anything other than sit around smoking, eating, drinking and playing video games...... Not like they would EVER go to the park for a picnic or throw a frisbee or anything like that.

Perhaps I am just better off to avoid that whole scene and continue concentrating on myself for awhile.... Been working wonders. 2+ pounds lost every week since the beginning of march.....

I am just going to look at the bigger picture... What is more important at this point in my life, hanging out with people with unhealthy (or at least non-desirable to me) habits and pastimes or focusing on the wonderful feeling of success I am experiencing now?

Pretty much a no-brainer.

sirant
 
I feel your pain, ever since i dropped down from 250 in high school, my friends don't want to do things with me. Part of it is that i do things differently now, instead of going fishing in a boat, i like to hike into mountain lakes, or hunting, i like to be miles from a road and my friends can't keep up with me. and i also started skiing which my friend find fundamentally stupid.

The only bad part about becoming more active is that i think my friends feel that i don't want to be their friends anymore because we don't do everything together.

The upside is that i have gained some new friends that i do things with also.

Maybe it is that my friends don't want to change and think that anybody that desires to improve their health is not a friend of theirs.
 
Of course, there's always the possibility (and this is as much to skiking as sirant) that they feel "threatened" by you. They've convinced themselves that their weight is OK. As long as they're happy, it doesn't matter what weight they are. But there's always that little voice in the back of their minds reminding them that it isn't OK, it isn't healthy, and it could drastically shorten their lives. Because you've done something about it and made that change in your life, you're a constant reminder to them that everything is not OK with their weight. So, seeing you and talking to you threatens that comfortable little fantasy they've created for themselves that being overweight is good.
 
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