Angela's Diary

Unlike you, I don't hate food, I love it. I also never understood how someone could look at a candy bowl of Hershey Kisses and take one and walk away. I LOVE chocolate, and I could easily eat the whole bowl/bag/sack/truck. Why stop at one. What I've discovered is that there is food, and chocolate is one of those, that I just shouldn't eat. Not even one little one. My other problem is that I need food to fuel me, so I can't just cut it out completely. Then I'm eating stuff that is "good" but still just eating till it's gone. :banghead: I'm sure that one day I'll wrap my head around it, but it's going to be a long uphill trip.
 
Sometimes on this journey it is hard to keep in mind why I want to lose weight. The "health factor" is always a good reason, but seriously, how many of us keep that in mind? When I am out at a restaurant, I don't think - "This hamburger is unhealthy for my heart and arteries." No, what goes through my crazy mind sounds more like, "oh, man, if I order that huge hamburger that waiter is going to think I'm a big fat pig!" It's completely twisted thinking - and really kind of shallow in the great scheme of things - but it's the way my mind works when it comes to weight issues. Now, there are times when I am bothered by something one day but not the next. Perhaps this is my brain's way of taking a break from the constant barrage of mental crap that goes along with being overweight.

Sometimes I lose touch with my biggest reasons to stick to the healthy way of life. Sometimes I simply forget to remember why I am doing this - or rather un-doing what I've already done to myself. When I feel that "I don't care about [insert good reason to lose weight] any more!" attitude, I need to think of another reason to keep on keeping on. So, the burning question of the day is: How do I stay motivated when the reasons I want to lose weight change like the weather? How do I stay on track when sometimes I just want those cookies more than I care about being fat (thank God those moments are short-lived!) Compiling a list of reasons I want to get this weight off - and then actually reading it from time to time - may just be the key. A few things I came up with:

~I want to be able to wear any outfit or dress that strikes my fancy - not just the ones that fit!

~I want to be able to wear shorts/sun dresses/bathing suits/form-fitting jeans/some color other than black - and actually look good in them!

~I want to be able to buy sexy bras and panties that actually fit - something lacy and pretty and not "industrial and functional." I want to buy something other than lotion at Victoria's Secret!

~I don't want to worry about plastic chairs or lawn chairs breaking under my weight!

~I want to be able to shop in the ladies' section and not be forced to buy ugly fat clothes in the plus-size section!

~I want to like looking at the person in the mirror and think she's attractive - maybe even hot!

~I want to go out dancing and not feel like people are "watching the fat chick" when I'm on the dance floor!

~I want to work out in a gym and not feel like everyone is wondering what I am doing there - or get those "disgusted" looks from the buff members!

~I want to have my hair cut like that cute girl I saw on TV last night - and not the haircut that will make my face look not-so-fat!

~When a thin girl standing next to me declares she is fat, I want to let go of the urge to hit her!

~I want to have my picture taken - any where, at any time - without being terrified of how it will turn out!

~I want to wear sexy heels to show off my shapely legs and not worry my weight will break the heel!

~I want the gown at the doctor's office to fit right - and I want a regular bath towel to wrap all the way around me! And maybe even look good!

~I don't want to hide under loose-fitting clothing . . . and I want to tuck in my blouses!

~I don't want anyone asking me when my baby is due - and I'm not even pregnant!

~I don't want people checking my shopping cart to see if I am buying "fat people food" or feel judged for what I order when dining out!

~I don't want to feel like I embarrass my husband when we are in public and feel like people are thinking "what is HE doing with HER?"

~I want to be able to paint my own toenails and not have to contort myself in crazy ways to do it!

~I don't want to turn down fun invites because I feel uncomfortable with myself and I'd rather hide at home!

~I want to be a good role-model for my kids and teach them good eating habits while they are still young!

~I never want another child (who was little and really didn't know any better) to announce in a room full of people that I am fat and then ask me why I am fat!

~I NEVER want to be the fattest person in the group ever again!

So, whenever my motivation lags a little bit and that candy bar is looking a little too good . . . I need to remember some of the things on my list so that maybe - just maybe - I won't want that candy bar after all. :)
 
Just a quick note to let everyone know that I AM being a good girl, I AM sticking with my points, and I AM still smoke-free. :D

Hope ya'll have a great day!
 
Congrats, Ang! Staying smoke-free is tough!!! I've been over 1.5 years now without so much as a single drag. OOOOH LORD have there been times where one would have been nice. But then I wouldn't be able to say "over 1.5 years without even a drag" and I don't want to wreck that. So congrats and keep it up!

This week starts a new chapter for me as well. I hope. I've been slack in here and in diet for a month now. Not bad, but not good. I have however reached my 170 goal. So I'm going to start going to the gym again and running on off-days. Time to get the body fat down where I want it to be.

Glad to see you're doing well.
 
Finished with the "before" . . .

. . . moving toward the "after." We took measurements last night. First time I had ever really done that and I was amazed (-and disgusted!-) at just how large some of those numbers were. I also had my husband take some true before photos of me. The kind that are not flattering - the kind I don't want to show another living soul for as long as I live. Perhaps seeing myself in unedited form will keep my perception of myself in check. There are times I feel - and therefore think - I am bigger than I really am. Then there are times I forget that I am big and when I happen to see a pic of myself or take a real good look in the mirror . . . reality comes crashing back in with vengeance.

Funny how our minds work. So much of weight loss - or gain for that matter - is psychological rather than physical. Granted, there are some who are able to blame their large frames on diabetes or a whacked out thyroid. I'm just not one of them. Oh, I could probably blame depression, which a lot of psychologists claim to be a chemical imbalance in the brain. The tricky thing with depression though is that it carries both medical and psychological aspects. It's not always just one or the other. Blaming my plush state on depression could possibly be a valid medical excuse . . . but it is also a cop-out. How will I ever succeed if I continue to use this as an excuse and self-medicate with food?

I have to overcome that way of thinking. I have to take responsibility for my actions. I have to summon the will and the energy to get out of the house and take a walk or go to the gym and get active. It is up to me to determine what I put in my mouth and when to say, "no thank you" and really mean it. I need to stop looking at the big picture and focus on the here and now. I need to forget just how much weight I have to lose. I need to work toward five pounds at a time. Five pounds. Anyone can do five pounds, right? I need to stop dwelling on what I did wrong yesterday or the day before and just concentrate on making today a good day. I need to remind myself that I am human and it's okay if I screw up one day and eat stuff that's not on the menu. I need to just pick myself up and keep on marching toward my goal and stop dwelling over my little mistakes.

I think for now a good plan of action would be to take it one day, one hour, one meal at a time.
 
thedarwinfish said:
Congrats, Ang! Staying smoke-free is tough!!! I've been over 1.5 years now without so much as a single drag. OOOOH LORD have there been times where one would have been nice. But then I wouldn't be able to say "over 1.5 years without even a drag" and I don't want to wreck that. So congrats and keep it up!

This week starts a new chapter for me as well. I hope. I've been slack in here and in diet for a month now. Not bad, but not good. I have however reached my 170 goal. So I'm going to start going to the gym again and running on off-days. Time to get the body fat down where I want it to be.

Glad to see you're doing well.
Click to expand...

Brad! Good to see ya, bud! Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm glad someone else can relate to the whole "quitting smoking and losing weight" project. It helps to know others have tried it and succeeded. Like you. And Brian.

CONGRATS on reaching 170. That's really great! Good luck on your new goal - I have no doubt you'll succeed there, too. Keep us posted, k? :)
 
We are a lot alike, you and I.

A lot of what you wrote are things that I have (and still do) struggle with. How to handle a screw up. How to get actve when all I want to do is sleep. How to stare down the barrel of needing to lose over 100 pounds and somehow not quit.

You have to do it one thing at a time. One meal, one choice, one day. That is all you have. If you make a bad choice, make the next one better. If you skip working out - work out the next day. Make yourself accountable to someone. Part of the reason I was able to work out in the beginning was that I was doing it with a friend on mine. We drug our tired asses out of bed and met at the gym every morning at 545am. Sundays were at 7am. I never missed b/c I didn't want to have to tell him that I wasn't coming. He changed jobs and we had to do it on our own. In the beginning, I was freaked as hell but I still did the one day at a time thing. I am still accountable to a good friend of mine and that helps me a lot.

You didn't get heavy all at once, one bad meal isn't going to break you.

I know what it is like to do the math and think - I have HOW much to lose?

What I did was break it into smaller goals.

I started at 264. I think my first goal was 240. Then it was 225. Then it was 200. Then 172. Next is 150. In between I concentrated on just getting out of one weight range. Now I want to see 169. I want the 170s to be gone forever. Concentrate on small things like that.

It is hard, I'm not gonna lie (and it appears that you know it anyway) but you have such an awareness of what it takes - I know you can do this.

Very frankly. if you want to lose weight and change your appearance you need to work out on a consistent basis. I have been trying to lose weight for my entire adult life, have lost and gained the same 50 pounds more times than I care to think about and this is the only time that I have exercised. Guess what? It worked this time.

I know you can do this and succeed. Just keep pushing at it until it can't beat you any more.

This sounds like a self-serving plug but it isn't - check out the earlier posts in my diary - I went through a lot of what you are dealing with and maybe there is something there in my whining drivel that could help.

Off my soapbox now :)
 
Last edited:
Ali, chickie, you are the BEST! Just hope you know that. Somehow all this becomes just a little easier when you know that you are not the only one that struggles with this stuff.

The last couple of days have been no-so-great. I went over my points both days - but I stopped myself before it got too bad. I didn't do horribly but I could have done a lot better. When I stepped on the scale this morning I had not gone up but I fear that may be what will happen by tomorrow when I "officially" weigh in. If so, I'll just take it with a grain of salt and remind myself of the bad choices I made the last couple of days. I really want to hit my goal of 5 lbs. lost in October so I need to get my head on straight and stop letting stress get to me. According to my self-imposed "Onderland by New Year" schedule, I am supposed to be at 220 by tomorrow. This morning I was at 219.2. If I am off, it won't be by very much and I still have today and half of tomorrow to work on damage control. :D Although I am tired today I am not going through that "gotta have it" crap that I have been doing the last couple of days. The impending appearance of TOM isn't helping matters any but at least I feel better overall. I may have sat down and dangled my feet over the side of the wagon, but I stayed on it this time. If nothing else, that feels pretty darn good.

Hope ya'll have a great Thursday! :seeya:
 
Dangled your feet off the wagon. I love it. :rotflmao:

And be careful of taking things with a grain of salt. That causes water gains.
 
Ah Angela....

Listen to Ali. I would just copy/paste much of her post here for the heck of it.

But I wont. :D

Baby steps Angela. You'll get there, you know you will. It just takes discipline and time.
 
about2loseit said:
Ali, chickie, you are the BEST! Just hope you know that. Somehow all this becomes just a little easier when you know that you are not the only one that struggles with this stuff.

The last couple of days have been no-so-great. I went over my points both days - but I stopped myself before it got too bad. I didn't do horribly but I could have done a lot better. When I stepped on the scale this morning I had not gone up but I fear that may be what will happen by tomorrow when I "officially" weigh in. If so, I'll just take it with a grain of salt and remind myself of the bad choices I made the last couple of days. I really want to hit my goal of 5 lbs. lost in October so I need to get my head on straight and stop letting stress get to me. According to my self-imposed "Onderland by New Year" schedule, I am supposed to be at 220 by tomorrow. This morning I was at 219.2. If I am off, it won't be by very much and I still have today and half of tomorrow to work on damage control. :D Although I am tired today I am not going through that "gotta have it" crap that I have been doing the last couple of days. The impending appearance of TOM isn't helping matters any but at least I feel better overall. I may have sat down and dangled my feet over the side of the wagon, but I stayed on it this time. If nothing else, that feels pretty darn good.

Hope ya'll have a great Thursday! :seeya:
Click to expand...

I felt the same way when I read your post - my thought was - crap, that sounds just like me.

Just keep remembering - you can't look at the big picture or you will just want to crawl into a corner and never come out. Small steps. Stay under 220. Get to 215, then 209.

Find foods that work for you - sf jello is great - it is 40 cals for the small box and you will feel so full at the end. Learn some tricks to deal with the mental aspect. That makes it easier.

I spent the whole summer off the wagon so to speak. It took some work and a lot of encouragement but I am back on track. You can do this - there are good people here who believe in you and know you can. You just have to believe it yourself.
 
Baby steps & little victories

This whole weight loss thing is a battle and anyone that has a significant amount to lose will probably agree with me on that. I have my good days and my bad days just like anyone else. Today is a good day. Yesterday was a good day. But . . . what happens next time I trip and fall? It will happen. Blame it on that whole human thing if you will. Thinking ahead, I decided to prepare my troops for battle. Remember that junk drawer at work that ruthlessly calls my name at the worst possible time? Overcoming that would be a small victory in this war I am fighting. Today at lunch I walked down the road (yay! activity!) to the store and stocked up on some sugar-free, low-cal goodies (yes - Reese's were involved!) to keep in my desk. As soon as I returned I calculated the points for each item and wrote it on the outside of the bag. I didn't have my points tracker with me at the store but apparently I made pretty good choices - 1 point here, 2 points there. I can live with that. I chose one item, ate it, and put the rest away. Even sitting here writing about it, I don't really want any of them. Just knowing they are there makes me feel so much better. I can confidently snub my nose at that junk drawer. There is no more junk drawer. To me, it no longer exists.

Another little victory today: On my way to check-out at the store some items of clothing caught my eye. What the hell, I had time to kill. I tried a few cute tops on and, although they didn't look too bad, well, they weren't great, either. I looked in the mirror and saw how each top accentuated the things about my body I dislike the most. The "old" Angela would have looked at that girl in the mirror with disgust. The "old" Angela would have been depressed to the point that she would've sought comfort with her good friend Reese. (Yes, yes I know that is counter-productive.) Wondering where the victory is in this story? Well, for the very first time in my adult life I did not look in the mirror and get depressed at what I was seeing nor did I become overwhelmed at the prospect of how much I have to lose. I didn't come away with a feeling of defeat. Nope. Not this time. I calmly told myself that next time I would find a great top . . . that if I bought this one I couldn't wear it long anyway because it would soon be too large . . . that next time the size on the tag would be a smaller, happier number . . . and that next time my *insert body part* wouldn't be so prominent. I simply put the items back on the rack and walked away with my sugar-free treasures.

Baby steps. I'll keep taking my baby steps. They always lead to some sort of victory. Small victories add up and lead to larger victories. It is with baby steps that I will come out of this war a winner.
 
Angela. What a smart move writing the points on the package. Good move.

Funny thing you writing about what is accentuated in your tight shirt. The things that jump to my mind are not bad at all. Sorry, just my way of thinking. :sifone:
 
Trops said:
Angela. What a smart move writing the points on the package. Good move.

Funny thing you writing about what is accentuated in your tight shirt. The things that jump to my mind are not bad at all. Sorry, just my way of thinking. :sifone:
Click to expand...

hehe . . .
 
I am doing very well on plan, sticking to my points, and even earning some activity points. I've found that when I get my 5-a-day, my fill of H2O, and get in some activity I am not nearly as hungry as I used to be. Eating healthy rocks! Who knew? I was a bit worried at first because I found that I was getting hungry about every three to four hours. Then I read somewhere that so long as you are eating healthy, getting hungry every 4 hours is normal. A piece of fruit usually holds me over pretty well until the next meal. When I do eat I get satisfied pretty quickly and without a lot of food. In fact, the last time we went to a buffet-style restaurant, I filled my plate only about half-full and never went back to the bar. I was full from my half-plate.

I made individual chicken pot pies for dinner last night and just one pie (in a 10-oz custard cup) filled me up. Mike made some point-friendly pumpkin muffins. After dinner I found that I had enough points left over for two muffins and a spoonful of fat free cool whip. It was wonderful being able to eat something so yummy and not feel guilty! Another small victory in this battle? I think so.

I attended a parent/teacher conference last night for my ten-year-old. A brief background on my daughter . . . she has ADHD. We've had rounds of behavioral therapy and ups and downs (mostly downs) with teachers and grades the last several years. I tell you this so that you will appreciate what comes next: She made Honor Roll. She was Proficient in nearly every section of her portfolio - one point away from Distinguished in Reading Comprehension - and my little fifth-grader is on a sixth grade reading level. The teacher had nothing but wonderful things to say about her and said there were no red-flags or areas needing improvement that she could detect. This was the very first time ever that I went to a conference and came away without any bad news. I was ecstatic. I went out and bought her a copy of the Hanna Montana concert in 3D as a surprise. Don't lecture - it was not a bribe. But the girl seriously needed a reward for trying so hard and doing so well. She has applied herself like never before and I wanted to let her know that I was proud of her and I appreciate her hard work and responsibility.

One last thing before I go. Back in March I went for a breast reduction consult. When we submitted everything to the insurance company they denied it on the basis of pre-existing. (Pre-existing? Oh, no, they were huge like that when I woke up this morning! Duh!) Anyway, in June I changed insurance companies. The other day I checked my policy and found it does cover the reduction surgery if it is deemed medically necessary (it was recommended by my family dr.) There is an exclusion of twelve months for pre-existing conditions BUT they give credit for prior coverage. I have proof of prior coverage without gaps for the last four years. I called my PS and told all of this to the billing specialist. She said it sounds like I have a real chance to be approved this time. I faxed over all the paperwork and she submitted it for pre-authorization. Even if they make me wait a few months before the surgery can happen, that is fine with me. I don't want to have it until after the first of the year anyway. That will give me time to lose some more weight prior to surgery.

I have to be smoke-free 4 weeks before the surgery and 4 weeks after. No problem, Mon. I've passed the five-week mark already and I don't plan to pick them up ever again. I found some photos online posted by patients that have had the surgery (not the cheesy doctored "before & after" photos but real "OMG that's gross!" photos). I went to my husband and said, "Hey, come look at boobies with me." Now, most husbands presented with such an offer from their wife would have been like, "Hell yeah!" Not my darling husband. He looked at me like I'd sprouted a second head. :rotflmao: Once he learned that I wanted to show him what we'd be up against and how it would look immediately post-op (kinda scary!) he looked at them with me. We also read several articles and patient journals about what to expect before-during-after surgery. I want him to be fully aware of what will commence with this surgery so he won't be freaked out somewhere along the way. I should know something in a week. My fingers are crossed.

Happy nearly Friday!
 
Angela, first, I want that point gentle pumpkin muffin recipe. I just made 10 quarts of fresh pureed pumpkin last weekend and everything I want to make with it I just can't eat. I froze most so it will be used all year.

Second, REDUCTION SURGERY? :svengo: No wonder Mike is not trusting you when you say let's look at boobies. :dupe: Sure, you're thinking about no back pain and all, but isn't surgery a bit drastic? :ack2:

All jokes (and half jokes) aside, I hope that they get their heads out of their asses to see when something is needed.
 
Trops said:
Angela, first, I want that point gentle pumpkin muffin recipe. I just made 10 quarts of fresh pureed pumpkin last weekend and everything I want to make with it I just can't eat. I froze most so it will be used all year.

Second, REDUCTION SURGERY? :svengo: No wonder Mike is not trusting you when you say let's look at boobies. :dupe: Sure, you're thinking about no back pain and all, but isn't surgery a bit drastic? :ack2:

All jokes (and half jokes) aside, I hope that they get their heads out of their asses to see when something is needed.
Click to expand...

If they deny me I'll send you over to tell them to get their heads out of their asses. Maybe they'll listen to you. Lol. Honestly, some people may think this is drastic, but I am so tired of lugging the girls around it's not funny. I know everyone says to lose weight and they will shrink. Two problems with that: 1. When you're this top-heavy it's very hard to exercise; and 2. I was a DD by the end of middle school so I seriously doubt it's fat. Of course, two kiddos didn't help. :p

The pumpkin recipe is very simple.

1 box spice cake mix
28 oz pumpkin (I use the Libby's canned, but fresh is even better!)
water

Just add the amount of water called for in the spice cake mix but NOT the eggs and oil. Mix the cake mix, pumpkin, and water with a mixer until most of the lumps are gone. Spray a muffin tin with ff cooking spray (I use the little muffin wrappers) and fill 3/4 full with mix. Bake at 350 until a fork comes out "almost" clean. Won't come out completely clean. It kind of has the consistency of pumpkin pie on the inside and a muffin consistency on the outside to hold it all together. After you take the muffins out of the oven, they will flatten - but that creates a great spot for FF cool whip. :D

I don't know what the calories/fat content is but I'll try to get that info for you. I do know that they are 2 points per muffin. Mmmmmm . . .
 
Approved!

Quick note: Just two short days after it was submitted to the insurance company I just learned that I have been APPROVED for a breast reduction! I am ecstatic (and of course a little scared!) to finally be getting this done! I plan to lose as much weight between now and the surgery as I can. The approval is good for one year so I have a little bit of time. I am thinking I'd like to get through the holidays and schedule this for sometime in late January or early February.

:hurray:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top