Always will be a fat man.........but

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Bigguy

Bigguy

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Hello all. I have decided to start a journal here to record thoughts and feelings regaring this journey/ lifestyle overhaul I have been undertaking in 2008.
My name is Brian, I am 33 live in the far western suburbs of Chicago. I am 6'4 tall and currently weigh 231 lbs. On 1/1/08 I was at my highest weight ever at 265. I will be married for 9 years 4/24 and have no children. My wife and I have been trying to have kids for over 4 years now and are in our 3rd year of full on infertility treatments- it is depressing but necessary.
I have always been big. I am one of those people who is always one of the biggest people in the room- and I like it. I really cannot explain it, unless you are big you will not understand. I however was always weak for my size. I never did any weight lifting of any consequesce but i looked ok and was strong enough to get by.
I looked in the mirror around Thankgiving '07 and decided that this was enough. I decided that in 2008 I was going to make some changes. I joined a gym on 12/23 '07 and started going after the holidays. I quit smoking on 1/9/08 after 18 years, I went to the doctor for the first time in 8 years and had my cholesteral and blood sugar checked. Luckily this all came back normal but for the first time in my life I was called fat. Oh, he did it in "doctor speak" but he called me fat. From that day on 1/17/08 a full lifestyle change has been begun in my house.
No fast food of any kind has been ordered/eaten. Bad food was thrown out and replaced by good food. Exercise was now planned and charted, calories were counted, meals planned. Sustainable changes in menu and eating happened. I keep my self at around 2600 calories a day. I do not count carbs, fats or really anything but calories. I know what I am eating and read the lables on everything. I now know what goes into my body.
My workouts have changed dramatically. I now work out for a purpose, not just to work out. I am doing cardio- I find I really like cardio- almost everyday. I feel I need to since all the smoking for all the years. I used to be quite the athlete- basketball and volleyball- and would love to get back into leagues that I gave up when i couldn't keep up anymore. WT is now total body with the goal of building strength and maintaing muscle mass.
The problem is that I will always be the fat guy. Always. I cannot shake the mindset. I still am embarrassed in the gym when I get on the treadmill or arc trainer. I do not think I am in good enough shape to be with other people. I am very competative by nature and judge myself vs others- stupid I know. I am still best case at average strength for my size- but I still pale in comparson to the majority of guys who frequent my gym. Again emabarrassing- alway the fat out of shape guy.
I never care about other people's opinions, quite frankly alot of people can just go to hell, but i do care about my own. I just wonder if I will ever see myself as anything other than the fat guy in the room.

Sorry for the long post- But it is my diary!
 
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I still am embarrassed in the gym when I get on the treadmill or arc trainer. I do not think I am in good enough shape to be with other people
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I was reading something the other day - and I don't recall where I read it - that people who go to the gym who aren't in the greatest shape (like us :D ) are actually good incentive for other people... because they want to be able to outlast the fat chick on the treadmill next to them... (little to they know I may not be built for speed, but I can go the distance :D

So think about you're going to the gym as apublic service - you being there makes other poeple work just a little harder :)

Glad to see you started a diary neighbor :)
 
Thanks Mal.
The damn problem is that I am in pretty good shape- for the shape I am in. I ran 5.1 frickin miles in 50 frickin minutes yesterday. It just always gets ruined by the annoying uber in shape people who jump on the treadmill and run 7.5 mph for 30 minutes with no warm up and end up with little sweat patterns on he back of their shirts. I look like I just got out of a frickin pool at my 6.5.
I do believe I am public service though. I can almost hear the people around me thinking " that fat SOB is NOT going to go faster/further than me!"
As a man though it is the weight area that is most embarassing. I was all proud of myself for benching 225 3 reps and the guy who takes the bench after me REPS 315 8 times.
Very depressing sometimes.
Aint spring in Chicago great!
 
Welcome to the WLF and congrats on your success thus far.

As far as those people in the gym who can lift more or run farther or sweat less, well, there are always going to be people who can do this or that more or perhaps even better, don't sell yourself short because of what you are able to do though. :hurray: And who knows these people you are mentioning may have been training for a lot longer than you have. You'll get there if that's what you want.

I'm not sure what your goals are, but I always see these super girls in the gym with asses so hard you can bounce quarters off of and well, I'm kinda jealous, but I know they've either been blessed with the genes or worked their ass off to get there, or both. I just need to do the same. Damn those skinny ass girls. :blush5:

hope you have a great day.
 
Oh, I know that there will always be those people who can do more than me. But does that mean I need to see it every day?!? They take the treadmill right next to me or the bench next to me or whatever. I really think sometimes they are paid to knock me back a peg.
My goals are simply to look good naked. Nothing more or less. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get there, but the ultimate goal is looking good in the buff.
Thank you for the welcome and I hope you have a nice day also.

Mal- 50s are a tease right now- it is supposed to be back under 40 tomorrow. I am getting really depressed with this weather. Brian wants to get outside!
 
BTW- several goals both long term and short.

Continue my gym frequency- 5-6 times a week. Keeping the plan fluid and ever changing- redundent I know...
225 lbs by my anniversary 4/24
run 2 consecutive 7mph miles by the end of April
200 lbs by 6/30
Be able to do non assisted pull ups and chin ups
join a basketball league again
join a beach volleyball league again
do not let stress from work creap into my daily life
golf once a week- fabulous stress reducer
take up something to increase flexibility- a 2x4 is at the same level as me. Open to suggestions on this one.

All I can come up with now. Sure I will find others.
 
Not sure how far you are from North Avenue Beach - but the has a beach volleyball league - they look like they have a ton of fun...
 
I am insanely, blissfully far from NA beach- think west of Aurora. I was tired off all the people in the city and figured I had waited an hour to get into a Outback steakhouse on a saturday evening long enough and got the heck out of there.
I was in a league there before though- good times, I really enjoyed it.
 
oooh Aurora - Wayne's World - party on dude, excellent :)

I'm so not a native chicago-an - and the whole west/east thing befuddles me - i know where chicago is - sort of - couldn't find it on a map if you held a gun to my head - and I just recently learned -after living here a year and a half that I actually lived int ehstate of Illinois - not quite sure where i thought i lived or paid taxes too but illinois was just odd to me :D
 
I also gather form your posts that you are in boystown or thereabouts? Broadway and something near the lake?
I currently live about 40 miles or so straight west of the city but grew up close to o'hare on the north side. Lived in that area for 30 years.
Noone wants to admit they live in Illinois- we have the crappiest state slogan. "Land of Lincoln"- good lord isnt there anytihng better we can hang our hats on? Idaho's "famous potatoes" is better!
 
I live in East Lakeview - not far from the lake... a few blocks from the wonder that is boystown :)

I'm from the Garden State - why do they call it the garden state? Because "Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State" wouldn't fit on a license plate... :D
 
Dont hate on new jersey...

As i've said before -it may be overcrowded, smelly and expensive but it's like the mothership... :)

I don't think Tom Waits and Bruce Springsteen sang about Illinois girls now did they? So the state has something :)
 
granted.
Illinois gets no respect form the other 47 contiguous states. Really though it is just Chicago and cornfields.
 
Random thoughts on things that irritate me in this office:

Why do people walk around here with giant bottles of water, talk about the workouts they do and then order a giant pizza- mind you not even a good pizza- and sit in the kitchen and eat it all among the 4 of them? These people have not dropped a pound in 6 months and are still blaming that on Christmas. These are the same people who used to bitch at me about smoking- outside mind you- and used to comment on what I ate. They are now asking why I am not having any!
This pizza of course comes on the heals of the giant bowls of M&Ms and bagels that were placed in there this morning and are now almost gone!

I really need to get out of town or work form home.
 
well you do the workouts so you can eat the pizza :)

aren't we paying extra tax on those water bottles? so i suppose they're supporting the state... :D

m&ms are their own food group - especially if they're the peanut dark chocolate variety... :D
 
I like this diary, made me chuckle!
Good luck, though you seem to be doing just fine, all the right things!
Camy
 
ok, this diary may end up just being a really bad idea for me since it most likely end up being random bs by me- not too much to do with weight loss per se.

How often does one have to think about all the people who made fun of them growing up for it to be considered an obsession?
I have a speech impediment- read: I stutter- was always fat, and have last name that rhymes with a rather feminine sounding adjective- not mulva, points for whomever gets the reference- therefore was constantly made fun of and picked on throughout my life. Throw in 12 years of catholic school- 4 of them being in an all boys high school- and my life really did not start until I was 20 and somehow gained confidence in who I am despite all that.
I do not want anyone to be proud of me for realizing this nor do I want sympathy- I do however would like to find 5-15 of the morons who made my childhood and young adulthood a living hell and ask them why they needed to torment me.
It is not like I think about this constantly but I do think about more often then I think I should. I feel like Indigo Montoya from Princess Bride with an overdeveloped sense of revenge.
Does anyone else harbor these same type feelings of going up to people they know and just say " look at me know- you suck for how you treated me!"
I am 33 years old, relatively successful, married- why do I still think about these dill holes who made my life hell?
 
I like your diary... :)

honesty is good...

As someone who spent 9 years in catholic school and is now a recovering heathen... I can relate to the torment...

Whatever your motivator is to get you where you want to be -use it -and then - let it go - because anger just hurts you and those closest to you -- not the people you're angry at... just picture yourself sauntering int your 20th reunion looking all hot and sassy :D
 
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