Advice needed!

J

jbastara

New member
I posted this in my weight loss diary, but for those who don't look on the diaries, I figured I would post it here as well.
My boyfriend is trying to lose weight with me, but he keeps on eating junk and then just saying he will "start over tomorrow". The problem is that this has been happening everyday for the past 2 months. I get so excited for him to get healthy and he always sounds so eager... but then when he tells me how he ate a big piece of cake or something it's very disappointing. I don't want to sound insensitive, I know it's not easy. But what can I say to him??? I want to encourage him, and let him know I don't agree with what he does... but at the same time I don't want to be the food police. I want him to feel as though he can come to me when he has had a bad food day, but it's starting to get frustrating to hear about all the junk he has eaten every day. His weight really bothers him, and it seems to obvious to me why he isn't losing, but he just doesn't get it.
Just writing this out has helped me alot... but any words of advice would be appreciated. Hopefully I don't sound too insensitive... I will always love him regardless of his weight, I just hate to see him so bothered by it.
 
Why does he want to lose weight?

Until he figures out the real reasons he wants to, I mean the real reasons, and he connects with them on an emotional level... there's not much that's going to happen consistently.

Though losing weight isn't physically hard, it can be a mental gauntlet.

It takes a lot of prep work and maintenance and for most of us simply saying, "I want to lose weight," isn't going to be enough to generate the kind of momentum that is required.
 
^^ditto that^^

My boyfriend is trying to lose weight with me, but he keeps on eating junk and then just saying he will "start over tomorrow".
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He's not trying to lose weight with you if he's got the start over tomorrow mindset - that's a mindset that a lot of people have and only they can get themselves out of it.. It's that ALL Or Nothing mindset - usually brought on by diets that are one of deprivation... one that doesn't include their favorite foods -tehy feel they screw up one day - and then continue down that screw up.

I get so excited for him to get healthy and he always sounds so eager... but then when he tells me how he ate a big piece of cake or something it's very disappointing.
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What method are you using to 'get healthy" and how does a piece of cake not equal healthy?

I don't want to sound insensitive, I know it's not easy. But what can I say to him??? .
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Nothing... you can take care of yourself and that's it..

I want to encourage him, and let him know I don't agree with what he does... but at the same time I don't want to be the food police.
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Best you can do is plan activities that are more active in nature... go for bike rides, go for walks - go roller skating.... pick restaurants that aren't of the casual dining deep fried nature

His weight really bothers him, and it seems to obvious to me why he isn't losing, but he just doesn't get it.
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How overweight is he? and if it really did bother him, he'd do something about it.. he's got to to it in his own time.

I'm kind of a hardass... What I would say after this
but it's starting to get frustrating to hear about all the junk he has eaten every day.
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ask him what he plans to do about it -either put up or shut up... shit or get off the pot... stop complaining about it and do something about it... there's no reason why "junk" has to be forever banned from a lifestyle change - people can eat what they enjoy... it's all about moderation...

but that's my natural charm-not everyone is that --- ummm.. bitchy.. :D
 
It is okay, I agree, you can not do it for him. If he really wants to lose the weight he will, if not, it really isn't your problem. Just don't let him hold you back, once he sees the progress you make he will want to join. Also, he doesn't have to cut out on all the junk completely he might want to just learn how to eat it in portions.
 
maleficent said:
^^ditto that^^


He's not trying to lose weight with you if he's got the start over tomorrow mindset - that's a mindset that a lot of people have and only they can get themselves out of it.. It's that ALL Or Nothing mindset - usually brought on by diets that are one of deprivation... one that doesn't include their favorite foods -tehy feel they screw up one day - and then continue down that screw up.


What method are you using to 'get healthy" and how does a piece of cake not equal healthy?


Nothing... you can take care of yourself and that's it..


Best you can do is plan activities that are more active in nature... go for bike rides, go for walks - go roller skating.... pick restaurants that aren't of the casual dining deep fried nature


How overweight is he? and if it really did bother him, he'd do something about it.. he's got to to it in his own time.

I'm kind of a hardass... What I would say after this

ask him what he plans to do about it -either put up or shut up... shit or get off the pot... stop complaining about it and do something about it... there's no reason why "junk" has to be forever banned from a lifestyle change - people can eat what they enjoy... it's all about moderation...

but that's my natural charm-not everyone is that --- ummm.. bitchy.. :D
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Mal, always puts it best. :p "shit or get off the pot" I love it...
 
it's better if you both are doing it together

just take away somthing we wants thats a big motivator
it sounds bad but it gets him focused and that
you really care
 
Aleeluh said:
Mal, always puts it best. :p "shit or get off the pot" I love it...
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In all seriousness.. I'm a world class whiner -if whining were an olympic event -I'd win the platinum medal... and there are people who are coming up the ranks when it comes to whining.. and you really have to ask them - Why are you wasting so much effort complaining about something - are yuo looking for validation or something... Instead of wasting that energy complaining - work on a plan of doing something about it - or stop complaining.

(this ended a relationship I had with a guy who complained constantly about his job - when I finally sat down and said I'd redo his resume for him - he decided I was too much of a hardass and really wanted empathy :) umm - empathy leaves the building after the 20th time something is mentioned.
 
Wow... a BIG thanks to everyone who replied!! I love Mal's way of putting things too!
To elaborate on some of the comments...
I agree, a healthy lifestyle doesn't mean no junk food ever. The issue is he is eating chips, cake, french fries, etc. on a daily basis.
The comment about the 'all or nothing' mindset pretty much hit the nail on the head. Right now he is 5'11" and weighs 250lbs. He was 230lbs when we started dating and had recently lost the weight on a low carb type diet. He was eating about 1000 calories a day consisting of salad and meats. Then he switched from that to only eating carbs because he was craving them. He kinda killed his metabolism.
And the reason behind why he wants to lose the weight.... he wants to become a cop. To do so he needs to be in good physical condition.
I am not sure that I answered all the questions... but again, thanks to everyone who replied!
 
To be a cop, as you know, requires really good conditioning, and that requires a lot more than 1000 calories a day...

That seems to be the problem a lot of people fall into - they go charging off on a low calorie diet -eliminating this that and the other thing... and cant sustain it for long.. but if they started off at a higher calorie limit - eating what they enjoy -then it's not hard to stick with...

For 250lbs -I'm guessing that he could go to 2000-2500 calories a day and lose weight with no problem...
 
TIMETOGETTOIT said:
to answer your question you are old enough now to know that answer.in a nice way
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there' s a major flaw in your plan...

When guys are horny -and they get horny from the nookie from being withheld -that tends to be all they think about... which i consider a good thing sometimes... hwoever when their thought process goes to all sex all the time - tehy are going to eat to compensate for not getting the love...
 
I had this same issue with my wife. She just did not want to put any effort into exercise. She changed how she ate but did not exercise. Once she saw that I was getting results she realized that it does work. Some of us have been overweight for so long that I think we almost do not think it is possible to lose weight so why put the effort into it.
She exercised all last week and lost a substantial amount of weight this week. Seeing results is the key. Maybe once he sees your results he will get on board and not want to be the fat, out of shape one in the relationship.
 
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