Deep,boring,and long post(feel a lil embarassed posting this..but hey its my journal)
just a heads up...this is a long post. and I don't encourage people to read it..but then whye did post it 
(i'm a little embarassed posting it actually)
Today was a good day. I'm over the crap with my laptop...just gotta save up, and pay it; and I’ll admit, I mighta been a little careless with it.
Today, I was supposed to go walking with my friend and hang out. She said she didn't have time for walking, but I still headed up over there and was chatting with her and her roommate. I had to carry over something for her and when I carried it up the stairs, I don't know why, but I just started sweating so much. Perhaps I was nervous, but I didn’t feel nervous, I don’t know why I was sweating so badly (it got to the point where it was getting a little distracting). Perhaps, its because I am drinking so much more water now? (and I notice I sweat like crazy at the gym now)
Anyways, we hung out and chilled. Talked about stuff, but damn, I’m still so nervous and so anxious, I need to cool down and relax. I don’t know why. Well, I have an idea…but I need to get loose, and as one of my friends says “to get out of my shell” (he later recommended to smoke some pot to calm down, and I told him no!). I don’t know why I am so uptight (I kinda feel like paranoia…I kinda feel people are watching me and making fun of me behind my back); perhaps I am so used to being a “goodie good”. Also, living with a father who criticizes everything you do and turns very belligerent when he drinks doesn’t help (its funny…I told my mom it had no effect on me and I tuned him out…I guess it did have an effect). I guess my friend is right though…I should loosen up, let loose a little. It’s a psychological thing (god, I need to talk to a shrink) but, perhaps, I can think of a reason why I’m like this. I’m so used to being a “goodie good”, maybe if I do something out of the norm, I may consider myself a horrible person. Hmmph, of course I don’t’ consider other people that do stuff bad people. I think part of this do to the part of that I have a soft heart, and people can make me feel extremely guilty at a drop of a heart.
Perhaps though, as I look back, I am 20 years old. Perhaps, I should drop the “goodie good” set up, and let loose (maybe act like a “normal person” (but how do you define “normal”)). I never did any sought of drug (unless you count diet pills with ephedrine in them, which I promptly dropped). I never drink, except at church, and very minute quantities during the new years. Never had a girlfriend
. I still went to some parties in my high school years, but I just hang out, and watched my friends get drunk (it was kinda funny actually…but I did feel out of place at the parties). One thing though. I hate change. I like being my old self, (and I’ll admit, I’m a little innocent, which I feel kind of proud myself). I guess a part of me feels that if I start doing things I may change; change into something I hate and may even start to hurt people. The last thing I wanna do is hurt anyone; I know how its like to be made fun of and I can never make fun of everyone (except joking of course) in my life. Or I might turn into an alcoholic or drug addict or a very sleazy person. One more thing is that I might start to feel ashamed of myself and think of myself of such a horrible person. I get ashamed and very embarrass very easily, and I try to avoid a lot of social situations (I diagnosed myself with mild symptoms of avoidance disorder) Its weird, eh?
Anyways, just needed to get that off my chest and vent a little…(and I know a lot of WLF now think I am a screwed up person) but its very nerve wrecking.
This girl (like all girls) is playing tricks on me. You know what I mean? How can you tell if a girl is being more then just nice to you? Of course all girls say “I love you” and give you hugs and stuff (a generalization), but how do you really know? But I think she really does feel something for me, but still taking it slow (the last thing I want to do is get into a very embarrassing situation (anxiety, remember!!!)). She did something which I thought was quite unusual; I showed her my name badge, from the hospital, and she was like “oh, my baby, you look so handsome, can I keep it!!”, and I wanted to say yes!, but then I said that I still needed it and I will give it to her soon.
Its weird, I don’t consider myself handsome at all. I’ve always had low self esteem. And a part of me still think she’s just being nice, so I don’t know. Heh. (reason why I haven’t posted any progress pics yet)
All three of us (she, me and the roommate) should be hanging out this weekend to watch some movies, so, it should be lots of fun.
I learned one valuable lesson tonite. She’s a little bit of a clean freak (so I gotta straighten up my act
), and as I was leaving (because I had to take off my shoes before I came in) I went to put my shoe on her dining room chair to tie them and she kinda exploded on me, heh. It took her a while to cool down, and I could tell she was pissed (and I was ready to run out of there like a burglar). So, I learned never to set my foot on other people’s furniture
.
I ate kinda bad tonite. They offered me pizza and pasta…which I ate, heh. It was yummy (and filled me up). She offered me cheese cake, and I told her no…then she gave me the puppy eye look, and then I was like “fine, I’ll have a piece if you have a piece” and she was like “yay!” and ran over and gave me a hug. The good thing was that they were such in a hurry to leave, we didn’t’ get to eat any cheese cake, so I stayed at my caloric goal.
So, we’ll see. Tonite, I have a little bit of studying to do bio2, and then I have my bio2 class tomorrow (9-4, oh joy). So, I need to get on that.
And wow, I got kinda deep and personal with my journal. I’ve never had a journal before, but I find it very therapeutic and soothing. I am sorry if I am getting to personal, I don’t want to offend anyone (my anxiety again!
). I am still finding myself; trying to find who I really am. I get I’m kind of like in an “identity crisis” right now. And, I said this before, but I probably need to go and see a shrink
I don’t expect anyone to comment on this. Its very deep and emotional and in some cases irrational (and it shows how much of a loser I am), but like I said before, I just need to get it out. (and maybe a psychology major can help diagnose me
)
And for those of you are wondering, I didn’t ask her about the dancing yet. It totally slipped my mind, but I’ll try to bring it into other conversation next time I see her.
