A humourist's view and a diary of change

W

Willatochange

New member
hi all,

this lokos like a supportive forum, with as much kindness towards the pitfalls and slip-ups as towards the successes and high fives in this journey.

I'm a 28 woman and in the past year have seen my weight shoot up by about 14 lbs. It doens't seem like a lot but what has worried me, is the correlation to emotion and the habit of resorting to food, late at night to 'blank out' from dealing with difficult emotions. Its impulsive and often i've felt powerless over my own behaviour.
I've often felt, that despite all the outward successes and 'looking great on paper'-ness, why is the control of weight and food so out of my grasp?

Anyhow, here is my first step. I'd like to document my food diaries, the change I hope to see and welcome your advice and criticism. I want to lose this weight, over the course of the next 6-8 weeks - but also as much in doing this as to to start a better relationship to my physicality. Thank you!
 
Day 1 End of September, hello Autumn

Today is Day one, I hope to lose about 2lb a week by creating a 500 calorie (approx) deficit. the biggest triggers int he apst have been emotional eating at night, I have been trying to excercise meaningfully but motivation flags and I end up feeling completely terrible about myself. I miss my body before life went upside down. The end of a 8 year relationship, mother had a stroke and my dad lost his job. A positive thing will be to regain control over my habits for health, not for appearance...still, the dramatist's complaint is over - I'm going to take charge this time around!

Today I ate this:

Breakfast

Porridge made with dessicated coconut, sunflower seeds and sugar
200

3 tbsp plain yoghurt
3 tbsp passionfruit yoghurt
120
Raisins and hazelnuts
100
Total 400
Lunch - Seafood Udon noodles 300
Lemon soy yoghurt - 120
Apple - 50
Total - 470

4 maple leaf creme biscuits - 300

Dinner
Stirfry with one chickenbreast - 150
2 peaches - 120
passionfruit yoghurt -70
raisins - 50
total 390

Total consumed 1560
Excercise - 1 hour leisure cycling (commute) - 250
BMR - 1440
Caloric Requirement 1985
Deficit = 795
 
The quiz

What is your current height and weight? - 173 cm and 63kgs
If you were at an ideal weight now, what would that weight be? 57kgs
At what weight would you like to be at four months from now? 57kgs
Why do you want to lose weight? I want to go back to having a better relationship with food and myself, to be able to cycle faster, go climbing without being embarrassed at the weight I've gained.
Do you want to lose weight for a specific life event such as wedding or reunion? If so, when is that event?
I want to keep going, so that when I look back at pictures, I don't have to groan with dissapointment at myself for not having done something sooner.
What obstacles could get between you and your weight loss goals? bingeing in the evenings close to sleeping time when I've felt like my day has been rough, or that I HAVE to.
Why do you think that you now have a weight problem? I've gained alot of weight over the year and developed bad eating habits which involved not going food shopping, taking other's food when I had no time.
What lifestyle changes do you think would help you lose weight? Motivation, this forum! Excercise and developing a positive attitude.
Have you lost weight in the past? If so, what has worked in the past to help you lose weight? Yes. I have had a fluctuating weight, depending on the things going on in my life, when times have been stressful I've resorted to the food to comfort me.
Why do you believe that you did not lose weight or you gained the weight back? I felt all or nothing and felt like I could not stop if I started.
Would you try writing down all food and drink consumed for a given period of time? Yes. I think I'll try
Do you cook at home often? If so, what do you cook? Yes, I make anything I can quickly, mainly vegetarian and vegan staples involving lentils and beansel.
How often do you go out to eat? Where do you go? I go out maybe everyday for lunch, to sushi and Japanese places often, sometime the healthfood store.
What are your three favorite foods? I do genuinely love fresh vegetables and fruit, but have often binged out on bread and carbohydrate and sugary things, cereal and muesli bars in particular, chocolate.
What are your three favorite restaurants? Turkish, middle eastern places.
What are three things you can do differently when it comes to food? Listen to my body when it is full, stop eating crap food/sugar, treat myself better and stop when 75% to fulness.
If you woke up tomorrow and your body was exactly the way you want it, what would be different? I would feel less low-self esteems and self conciousness.
Do you eat when you are not hungry? Yes
Do you binge eat (large amounts at a time)? Yes
Do you hide your food or eat in secret? Yes, oten late at night. i forget about the present.
Do you eat when you are sad, nervous, or depressed? Yes
Do you eat as a reward? Sometimes
Do you eat while watching TV or using the computer? Yes all the time.
Where do you go for exercise? A local public gym? School/work gym? Home? cyce to and from work.
What is your daily/weekly/monthly/yearly motivation to move towards your goals? 7kg in 9 weeks.
Do you have rewards for certain goals? Not yet.
 
Yesterday, I had a strange day which culminated in some emotional dumping on my partner, it was unfair and I think driven by my anxiety. I think I stayed within my calorie limits however, but I realised how food is used to cover up emotion and how i've used it to avoid feeling lonely or dealing with difficult feelings. I don't know why I belw up with him, a combination of feeling strange in a crowded party of people, the suddeness of my friend departing and feeling unimportant. The transference of all this onto food in the past meant that I couldn't or didn't wantt o confront them. Onwards and upwards!

Breakfast 150ml of natural yoghurt
2 peaches
200


Lunch 1 seafood udon noodle soup and 110 soy yoghurt
1 nectarine
500

Dinner - a leaving event for my friend who is leaving abruptly to become a yoga instructor in the far east.

2 tbsp beetroot couscous 100
3 tbsproast vegetables 50
5 prawns 50
mozarella dn tomato green salad 80
300

total - about 1000 calories
excercise - 558
 
Hey there, Welcome to the forum.

You are definately not alone with the emotional/comfort eating. I still do it overall though I try to avoid it. I still do it and I know I still do it. It's getting better. It's a process, you know?
 
29 September 2010

Yesterday, a strange sensation of being more in control and eating mindfully. I've often pondered the seperation between mental (addictive) dependence on food and the physical (caloric) need. I'm trying to differntiate between aritifcial feelings of hunger and real ones.

I cycle about 11 miles everyday, to and from work. Yesterday, I did the journey home absolutely drenched in rain. A number of big changes are happening in my life, my relationship getting much mroe serious, friendships becoming deeper, I've often dealt with change by burying my head in the sand and by eating. The solitary eating is almost like an antidote and 'freezes' time.

My body is feeling much more toned and I feel more confident, the shape is definitely changing however my weight has stayed the same. My legs are more msucular and fat is dropping off.

Breakfast
Blackberries and 2 peaches
low fat yoghurt - approxinately 200 calories

Lunch
Seafood Udon soup - a favourite at the moment
Lemon soy yoghurt - ditto above
About 500

Dinner
Chicken breast stirfy with blackbeansauce, holy basil, cabbage and spinach, green tomatoes and baby carrots
400
2 tbsp fruit yoghurt 30
2 nectarines -120

I went to bed and made a crucial decision not to binge eat despite feeling odd after a conversation with the boyfriend and discussing how his parents behave towards me. I also put a stop to the conversation and insisted on sleeping at 1am. Sleeping is a big factor in weight loss which i've found in the past.

BMR - 1447
Total 1250
Excercise - 300
Requirement 1985
Deficit - 497
 
I had a bit of a terrible food day today. everything was fine until a phonecall tonight.

this morning, I felt so positive, cycling to work, having my usual breakfast, although I could tell my body was starting to rebel a bit. I felt a litle uncommonly spaced out a;l afternoon. this is what tday looked like:

4tbsp rhubarb yoghurt
1 peach
About 150

Lunch 0 seafood udon noodle soup - 400
soy yoghurt-110
1 medium plum - 30

snack brcooli and carrot sticks with 1tbsp hummous - 100

dinner - got in very late, around 10.15pm, I had 6 prawns with half a package of stirfry - about 150 calories
- 2 tbsp rhubarb yoghurt - 40 cal

then I binged terribly at midnight

2 2 inch cubes of turkish delight - about 100
5 tunnock teacakes 500
1 small slice wheatgerm bread 100
2 cube inches of goats cheese - 150

About 750 of bingeging! This was a response to speaking to my boyfriend on the phone about his racist parents attitude towards me. I felt it was very difficult to deal with and I felt vulnerable and annihilated. I resrted to 'blanking out' even though I was somewhat able to control it, like with typing about this now, I still feel bad. And I made myself a double-vitim by abusing my body with food. I think I am punishing myself.

I think in total I ate just over 1750 calories
Excercise - about 350
total 1450

I am panicking for having eaten so many sugary things late at night, will this binge of a slice of bred, 5 little chocolate cakes and some cheese destroy everything? I'm sure I missed out a bunch of foods, like a few tbsps, I feel so dissapointed and horrible about myself right now, but I hope I can pick myself up, dst off and carry on with my weight loss journey without being tripped up by these nerve wracking discussions about something about myself which I cannot change. Tomorrow is another day.
 
Jacklinger said:
Yeah it's pretty cool -- just be sure not to eat a candy bar and then admit to it hehe!
Click to expand...

Oh Jack, we don't say you can't eat a candy bar so don't give him some idea that we don't support things like that. Course you can eat 'bad' things in moderation.
 
weekend update

An update from last Friday. Breakfast and lunch were pretty regular, about 500 in total. though I gave into eating some mini-flapjack squares in the office - 150 which were elftover from a birthday party in the office, these pitfalls are impossible to avoid I feel! I left work to go to my boyfriends house by train, I felt ok and he cooked me a lamb tagine with couscous and it was delicious, I felt satisfied on not too much. I did also have a handful of pretzels. altogether about 550. Total - 1200
BMR -1447
Deficit 247

On Saturday, I had a poached egg on half a slice of rye toast, about 200 cal and a few plums. Food was 3 tbsp mexican chili bean rice, vegetable ratatouille and rocket salad and an apple - altogerther about 400 - dinner, night before's leftover tagine adn coucous and 2 squares of chocolate. A vodka and tonic 100 - about 1100 calories
1447-1100=347

Yesterday, I was brought a vbowl of prunes, chopped apple and museli and yoghurt in bed - about 300 calories. Lunch was lentil soup, rocket salad and tortilla chips and a square of chocolate. I was supposed to be working on my animation movie but spent most of the morning helping another artist move into the studio. About 400. Dinner was leftover soup, a half slice of rye bread, some of the boyfriend's lamb shish and some chutney, another apple. About 400. Altogether about 1100. my body is feeling differnt and clothes starting to hang different, I felt that i did have some set-backs in my mindset, but I've been told that if you do not act like you are a victim to your diet, you do not become one.

total caloric requirement 1985
BMR - 1447
total 1100
deficit 885
deficit

Today, porridge with banana and mixed seeds - 250
lunch - seafood udon - 400
1 apple and 2 plums 170
i've not done any excsercise because of transport strikes but tomorrow, I will be abck on the bike for my commute...I will be planning to make some butternut squash soup tonight and hopefully stay within my calorie limits.

Caloric requirement 1985
BMR 1447
 
Lord, I ate what felt like a lot, encouraged by wine! 232 cal!

last night dinner was a latge bowl of homemade lentil, butternut squash and parsnip soup with spinach, a slice of homemade wholewheat flatbread.
About 300.
I also had some plantain chips. - 50
Dessert - 1 square of greena nd black's chocolate, 3 squres of pistachio turkish delight. 185

so dinner amounted to about 770 calories
in ttoal yesterday was about 1600, I loosen my resolve the second wine becomes involved so now know that i have to be able to unwind, or have a dinner where no drinking is involved.

I have another friend voer for dinner tonight, we shall see.

Today -

2 plums and blackberries
1 banana and rhubarb yoghurt for breakfast - about 200
 
So for lunch - noodle soup and yoghurt - about 400.
dinner last night, medium bowl of rice noodles wth lots of greens, beansprouts etc.Estimated about 400 calories
Desert was 5 sugared almonds (85,) wasabi broad beans (100)and 5 dates.(120) and a square of chocolate (50)
In total about 722. I did loosen my resolve eating around other people for sure.

In ttoal I would guestimate about 1400. cycled home so a deficit of about 300.

In total 1100. I think I am staying within my limit from keeping my daytime calories more controlled, I also still need to watch how late I am eating each night and to allow for at least 3 hours of eating nothing and sleeping better and getting the full 6 hours at least. It has been one of the major changes which I feel has aided my weight loss.

Today so far I have had - 2 tbsp rhubarb yoghurt, 1 banana and a plum = 180
Lunch was 300ml of summer soup - 1540and a lemon soyghurt - 100
Snack - 1 green apple - 60
 
Last night, I had a terrible binge. i felt depressed, lonely and sad. The trigger was a feelng of loss, of being afriad of looking at my life without being able to change it quickly I am lost.

So I had bean curry and some stirfried vegetables for dinner a an apple. It hought I could jsut walk away from it. Instead, I went upstairs and ate half a packet of wasabi broad beans, sugared almonds, a chocolate snack cake and about 100g of dates! i'm not sure what the calorie count that would be but pushing about 1000, perhaps. I think, hope to god that I stayed within 1,500 calories. I went to bed after writing a umber of letters.

Back on the b ike this morning and a terrible headache from allt he sugar, not wanting to go back there again.
 
So yesterday, I went to my stop motiong animation class in the evning, having had 60g of nuts and raisns and my usual lunch. althogether about 600cals.

Dinner was leftovers of soup, a plum ansd then about 80g of paneer cheesend some japanese rice crackers.about 600. I'm not sure if I'm overestaimting or eating at the wrong times of the night (this was clsoe to midnight). I guess I'm not alone. Usual excercise cycle quota of 70minutes.
 
Since I last wrote, I've been good with sticking to a no snakcing rule and managing the weird feelings about dietin. I've had 3 dinner parties over the weekend and the past few days and eating in company helps keep me in check and not visit the fridge after people have left to indulge in some more nice food. Its good to feel satisfied and distracted from eating afterwards.

At the weekend I started track cycling training and enduring about 2 hours in an outdoor track which was totally exhilarating. I did it on an empty stomach and don't think it hampered me. I feel fitter and much better about my body and know I can achieve this weight loss. I checked my weight and have lost a few kilos since the beginning of this journey, I know its mostly water etc. but it is emncouraging to feel like that aesthetically I am more at ease. Last night was quite bad however, I was stressed and ate half a bar of chocoalte, 5 small chocolate biscuits and a load of cereal. It was probably in the region of around 5/600 calories. Int he day however, I had aaround 600 calories worth of food. Dinner probably consisted about 400. Also cycling the usual 80 minutes.

An estimation of under 2000 is about right. Keep on keeping on.
 
A really bad day of unstructured eating. I woke up at about midday and lay in bed reading. i've trie dto blank out yesterday's eating habits as much as possible. but it went something like, a couple of plums for breakfast. Noodle soup and a lemon soy yoghurt for lunch, then 60g of dried fruit and nut mix, and another 60g bag of dried apricots, 2 tiny chocolate party muffin things, crisps and a small bakewell tart. Altogether, before dinner time was about 1000 calories, I cycled home and had a huge dinner of leftover curry (lentil/homemade) and around 4/5 slices of wholemeal bread. About 7/800 of calories. I was stuffed, felt blaoted and terrible.

Today I woke up and didn't eat much, an egg and some beansprouts cooked together with soy sauce. Some nuts. About 200. then I came back at abou 5pm and had 3 tbps of bean curry and about 200g of coated cripsy peanuts!! thata lone would have been about 1400. I had 6 tbps of porridge (250) two boiled eggs,(140) some rocket salad and a slice of bread (100) and a bag of dried fruits and nuts (300). This qualifies as some kind of a weird binge I'm sure and I feel terrible. I keep wanting to give up altgh i've made changes to my body this past month that I never thought possibe. 2390 calories and about 5 minutes of cycling is just not good enough.


they say that motivation is always the ahrdest thing.
 
The weekend was slightly more structured, I didn't feel at all hungry fromt hat day's eating, got geared up to go to cycle training only for it to have been cancelled. I felt awkward. In the past that would have kicked off an avalanche of eating, as it was an event that I had no control of. Instead I held out and went to see the BF, who was having a pizza party (handmade). I didn't go too nuts, a few spoonfuls of homade israeli hummous, a few crisps, a few small squares of very thin crust pizza, spinach salad, light-ice cream and apple/almond ckae and 2 tbsp of cheesecake. that was it for me, a few glases of wine. Sunday was branflakes and museli , prunes and apricots in yoghurt. No lunch, and then a few vodka and tonics (200), a small handful of crisps and uts and a 2 course dinner at a gastropub. I had seabass, new potatoes and kale, split a starter of rabbit rilette.
Yesterday I had a medium porridge with banana and maple syrup (they gave me the wrong order) (about 300), lunch was seafood udon noodle soup from my favourite place (400), dinner was something I made with the BF visiting. Leek, red pepper and egg spicied with curry seasonings, indian , cucumber and rocket salad, baked paprika parsnip crisps and a baked sweet potato. (400) Dessert was 3tbsp natural yoghurt and a medium plum with a few scattered walnuts. (150) 2 glasses of red spanish wine (200).

About 1400 in total, no excercise.

Today, I feelt positive, 1 boiled egg, a plum and 4 tbsp natural yoghurt. (200)
Lunch will probaboly be the same and food tonight will be a dinner a party, no doubt extremely healthily cooked by a dear friend from paris. I've been feeling more positive about the shape and feel of my body, muscles are hard and i have energy, my back sin't so weak and I can see changes. It hasn't been that long since i've been posting and mindfully eating and I have made it a rule not to measure myself. But the positive feelings of not feeling bloated and feeling in control have made my overall health leap forward.
 
thank you Sunflower. I'm trying. I hate to come over sounding so negative about food and so on. I work a desk job and have noticed that when I'm on holiday, not stressed, not bound to a computer - I don't have the urge to eat so much. In fact lunch hour is tied to 'lunch' and so I eat very slowly.

Today, I started wrok very early and had an order of seed and banana porridge made with soy milk. Crussh do a really great breakfast. It's about 350 calories I guestimate.
Lunch was udon noodle soup with prawns, cuttlefish, spinach and beansprouts. It's about 400. The soup is very salty and filling. Then I ahd 3 schoops of fat free frozern yoghurt, about 250 I guess. Its 1000 in total so far but it has kept food in control.

Last night, I had dinner of curried rice and slow-cooked red onions, quinoa, walnut and and red pepper and psinach sald and a small serving of tarte tatin 9apple pie) with a few tbps of custard. I also had a bag of nuts at about 4pm yesterday. A few glasses of red wine. I am going to try to limit my drinking because I feel as though (well, I know) that I am putting away a few glasses almost every night! Not good!

I have been reading alot of attractiveness not linked to weight, but more body measurements and ratiosn, like waist to hip etc. the closes to perfect across all weight ranges is 0.7 WHR. Models etc are also tall, but also 'curvy' as in they have this curve. Being skinny or fat etc won't change this ratio unless excercise is involved I think. i've grown to see that a curve, of a back or of a calf is actually very attractive, aesthetically. I used to be very thin, to the point of sickness quite literally and the kind of attention I used to attract was not a positive one. for one, men much younger, mentally and emotionally than myself. I was also bullieda lot for the way I looked, which was totally out of the ordinary (for being so thin).

against all odds yesterday, I cycled home, but excercise has changed my body in the past few weeks so that my legs and calves have become very hard and alot of excess water and fat have dissapeared from my hips. It was a good feeling, but I think its time to mix it up.
 
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