Okay, this is going to be a longer post, and more thoughtful, but I have some stuff to muddle through. I've been away from the site for a while now, but I'm back.
I've been stuck at 194 for the past month or so... it's not because I'm trying and not losing weight, it's because as soon as I lose a few pounds, I go and eat and eat and eat, and my weight bounces back up. I did this over and over and over again. Each day I would promise myself I would stop, and each night I would be eating -- popcorn, chocolate, bread and peanut butter, and on and on. For whatever reason, I just couldn't break the 195-ish mark.
I think there's a couple of things going on. The first is that I've set the 200 pound mark as my "big goal" for so long that after 7 months of eating better and losing weight, I think I've let myself slip, thinking that I'm at my goal when I still have another 35 pounds to go at a minimum. It's not that I've gained my weight (I WILL NOT go above 200 again) but I just can't let myself keep going.
I think the second is that I'm actually a little scared to get to my goal. I know there's a temptation for anyone who's overweight, by no matter how much, to think that life will be magically better, that they'll be a better person if they only just lose the weight. As if looking different can somehow change who we are deep down inside. Well, I was always aware of this, and promised myself that I wouldn't fall into that trap, that any changes I made in my heart would be separate, not linked to how I looked. Well, once I got under 200, I found myself worrying that I was losing the weight (over 75 pounds so far) but not feeling any different deep down inside, and I suddenly realized that I had been hoping that I would change when I lost the weight, that things would feel better too. So suddenly I was scared to get to my goal, in case that miracle didn't happen.
Where am I now? Well, I'm back on track and losing weight again, and will keep going. I've come too far to throw this away... I've worked too hard. And I know that I want to reach my goal. I also want to make other changes in my life, and do that work, but I need to separate it from my weight. I'm still struggling with that... but as I said, I'm forcing myself to separate the number on the scale with what's in my heart.
I can't believe I'm actually writing this, but I thought that writing it out and sharing it with this group will help me in my journey, and maybe offer ideas / encouragement / support to others who might feel the same way. I'm also posting the same post in my own diary, not that people will reply, but so that I can have it as part of where I've been and what I've gone through.
I've been stuck at 194 for the past month or so... it's not because I'm trying and not losing weight, it's because as soon as I lose a few pounds, I go and eat and eat and eat, and my weight bounces back up. I did this over and over and over again. Each day I would promise myself I would stop, and each night I would be eating -- popcorn, chocolate, bread and peanut butter, and on and on. For whatever reason, I just couldn't break the 195-ish mark.
I think there's a couple of things going on. The first is that I've set the 200 pound mark as my "big goal" for so long that after 7 months of eating better and losing weight, I think I've let myself slip, thinking that I'm at my goal when I still have another 35 pounds to go at a minimum. It's not that I've gained my weight (I WILL NOT go above 200 again) but I just can't let myself keep going.
I think the second is that I'm actually a little scared to get to my goal. I know there's a temptation for anyone who's overweight, by no matter how much, to think that life will be magically better, that they'll be a better person if they only just lose the weight. As if looking different can somehow change who we are deep down inside. Well, I was always aware of this, and promised myself that I wouldn't fall into that trap, that any changes I made in my heart would be separate, not linked to how I looked. Well, once I got under 200, I found myself worrying that I was losing the weight (over 75 pounds so far) but not feeling any different deep down inside, and I suddenly realized that I had been hoping that I would change when I lost the weight, that things would feel better too. So suddenly I was scared to get to my goal, in case that miracle didn't happen.
Where am I now? Well, I'm back on track and losing weight again, and will keep going. I've come too far to throw this away... I've worked too hard. And I know that I want to reach my goal. I also want to make other changes in my life, and do that work, but I need to separate it from my weight. I'm still struggling with that... but as I said, I'm forcing myself to separate the number on the scale with what's in my heart.
I can't believe I'm actually writing this, but I thought that writing it out and sharing it with this group will help me in my journey, and maybe offer ideas / encouragement / support to others who might feel the same way. I'm also posting the same post in my own diary, not that people will reply, but so that I can have it as part of where I've been and what I've gone through.
