31 and making the change for good this time starting my first post at the end of a good week :-)

S

silash

New member
Hi all


I joined about a week ago while I was surfing the web looking for inspiration and ever since I have been hooked. There are so many stories here that make me believe that I can do it, so many amazing people, so much support and inspiration. I decided to start a diary because a lot of people have written here that it has been helpful and lets be honest we all need to vent every now and again and to preen when we are proud of our selves.


So a bit about me, I am 31, just married and have been overweight for most of my live sometimes a bit more sometimes a bit less. Most of the time I have been in denial about how much over weight I am or have been, so much so that sometimes I walk into the side of furniture because in my head it is not possible that I am that wide :) When I look in the mirror I see something very different from what is actually there, it is photographs and videos that show you the brutal honest truth......


I want to start trying to have a baby soon and I realized that there is no way that I am going to do it at my current weight - almost 106kg when I started, as it would not be healthy. I also feel like there have been some windows of opportunity along the way which would have been "the time to loose weight" but I missed them and with every window that I missed it got harder. I feel like this window is a really important one and that if I wait till after I have my first child it will be so much harder, maybe I'm wrong, I am sure there are many of you out there who can tell me from experience, but in any case I am here to make the change here and now regardless of my age and where I am in my live I have just had ENOUGH!!


Wow so that was a bit of a ramble :)


I set my self a goal last week to exercise everyday and I am VERY excited to report that I have done it!!! I am so proud of my self - on Friday I almost missed it but after a long day and a big family dinner I cam home and grabbed my walking shoes and my dog and we hit the walking paths around my home at 23:45 (whew almost missed it :) She is loving this new routine by the way I think that in the last two weeks she has walked more than she has ever done in her whole life because my husband has also started taking her on his runs. Here is a picture of her "relaxing" in preparation for an evening walk isn't she the cutest thing ever?!!





Any way today is weigh in day I hope to be able to share good news this evening and not have to come here and hang my head in shame ....... fingers crossed!!


For those of you that made it to the end of this post I thank you from the bottom of my heart for "listening" and will "see" you around :)


Wishing you all a wonderful day


xxxx
 
A:grouphug: Welcome!!! I hope you get all the support out of here that I do...it is a wonderful place...filled with inspirational people!!

Your "baby" is precious!! We have a four legged baby too (along with some two legged variety..haha) and he loves my new life too...as soon as I put on my running/walking shoes....his ears perk up and he starts pacing..they are so so funny!! I feel bad when I am headed to my fitness classes....he looks at me like I am evil for not taking him!!

Congrats on meeting your workout goal....I am sure its going to be the first of many mini goals met!! WAY TO GO!!
 
tetemcg thanks for your sweet welcome. I was so happy to see your message when I logged on because I just got back from an exercise class and my weekly meeting with the dietician and I'm a little down. I only lost 200g - that's like ... nothing :-( I know that I can't expect to loose loads every week but I was feeling really confident and after exercising EVERY day I was kind of hoping for some more results.


ANY WAY I will NOT let it get me down - tomorrow is another day and my 4 legged baby will only be happy if our walks get longer and faster :)


By the way I checked out your thread on "Before after and in between" and I have to say you look FABULOUS!!! I am having a hard time believing that you are the mother of teenagers - you look amazing! I love the last picture you posted - especially your red shoes! I am not one of those girls who has a lot of shoes (probably 12 including 2 pairs of trainers) but I do own 4 pairs or red shoes :)


Keep well and be happy :)
 
Hi there silash, i'm happy to read your story and i can see your motivation and your good will. The first step of my ''new life'' as i call it was to come on this forum and read others story and progress, i told myself if other can do it so can i, so i let my ego do the rest for me ;)


You will probably face hard time down the road even if you're super pumped up, but hopefuly you will have the willpower to kick yourself in the butt. Keep doing good and sooner or later you'll see result and hopefuly that will only give you the will to go foward ! Good luck in your journey, may you find support and help on these boards !


Cheers !
 
Originally Posted by Asylum


Hi there silash, i'm happy to read your story and i can see your motivation and your good will. The first step of my ''new life'' as i call it was to come on this forum and read others story and progress, i told myself if other can do it so can i, so i let my ego do the rest for me ;)



You will probably face hard time down the road even if you're super pumped up, but hopefuly you will have the willpower to kick yourself in the butt. Keep doing good and sooner or later you'll see result and hopefuly that will only give you the will to go foward ! Good luck in your journey, may you find support and help on these boards !



Cheers !
Click to expand...


Thanks Asylum I feel like in the past every time I hit a bump I would give up. That is the main thing that I want to change in my life now - like you said there will be days/times/weeks even months that are harder but I just need to suck it up and carry on :) I read your thread on "before after and in between" and it seems like you are in a really good place. I am VERY happy for you.
 
Sooooooo I wrote my first diary post yesterday morning feeling oh so happy and confident and looking forward to my weigh in and I should probably just say it maybe I was a bit too cocky ......


I was quite upset yesterday after my measly loss of 200g I mean that's like what - the size of a burger patty?!!! :mad:


I came home and snapped at my poor sick hubby who has chicken pox at the age of 29 (NOT FUN) saying he was indifferent when I told him I only lost 200g. I felt like such a bitch and yet completely justified. Of course I apologized in about a minute and felt really bad and tried to make him feel as comfortable as possible.


This morning I planned to wake up at 5am so that I could have a nice long walk before work, I couldn't drag my self out of bed - it's not that I couldn't wake up but that I just did not feel motivated to go and do it. I spent more than an hour negotiating with myself about why I should go and why it would not be so terrible if I didn't. In the end I won!!! well I mean the new me won - the me that says it is ridiculous to take the elevator when there are stairs and I could burn a couple of extra calories. So I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and went for a walk I only did 40 mins instead of an hour because I could only be a little bit late for work. I must say I feel better for it! It feels good to work up a sweat first thing in the morning and get into the car freshly showered with that nice buzz of the blood flowing just a little faster than usual.


Dare I say it out loud? I feel like if I write it here it is written in stone and also that I will be disappointing more than just my self if I do not follow through..... my new mini goal for this week is to go for a walk before work EVERY DAY. Well there it is - it's out there - written in stone.


The other thing is that Aunt Flow came for a visit this morning so I hope that that is at least partly the reason for my measly 200g loss (do I sound bitter ?!) and most definitely the reason for my bitchy mood swing last night.


I supposed that I should get to work now as it is apparently nit enough for me just to be here in front of my computer - they actually expect me to be productive - go figure!!


I wish you all a wonderful day and hope you start your week on the right foot.
 
Just a quick share : this is currently my favorite song. I LOVE IT!!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuXygOhGbdU


I don't really know what the lyrics mean if you watch the video it's possibly about death and passing on BUT I may be WAY off there.


But never mind all that - listen to the melody and to the beat - it's totally uplifting and lovely and I hear it in my head when I am walking. Maybe it's also the "hustle" part especially the line:


"And we will hustle hustle hustle to be free" - in my mind I am hustling to be free of all this extra weight and unhealthiness.
 
I have something that I am not so proud of to share. I spoke my sister on skype today. We have a very good relationship although we live countries apart. Normally we talk by phone but today is the first time I have seen her face in a while.


A little background before I go on, I have been fat most of my life - she has had a gorgeous body for most of hers, she has better hair, better skin, better boobs better everything. She has always been able to eat what ever she wants with no consequences until recently. About 6 months ago she said "I've become such a cow - I can't eat what ever I want any more, it's all starting to stick" I didn't pay much attention because a) I thought she was probably exaggerating b) I was sure that even if she had gained weight she would loose it right away and c) she is the "hot sister" - it just didn't make any sense.


So back to today - she has gained a lot of weight, I mean not a lot by my standards but a lot by hers, she's now chubby - still hot but chubby. I feel so terrible even admitting this but if not here then where can I right?........ I felt a little tiny bit happy :-(


I know that it is disgusting and I immediately hated myself for thinking it but if I am honest I will admit that the feeling was there. I think it is just because it always seemed so easy for her weight wise growing up - as a young kid I remember watching her eat an icecream while I ate a "slim slab" (I don't know if those things are still around but it's basically a piece of rubbery nothingness with about 1 and a half raisins in it.) As a grown up she has been very supportive when I have tried to loose weight and get healthy but I think some bitterness remains from when I was a kid.


So I got over my disgusting hateful moment and started to discuss it with her and give her advice and I'm sure we will talk more about it and help each other.


Am I a terrible person have you guys had similar moments?





General update - today was quite a good one regime wise, 35 min walk in the morning before work and just got back from playing squash with a friend, I wish I could say that I whipped his ass but I only managed to get one game off of him.


I highly recommend squash by the way - I was bright red at the end, panting and oh so sweaty. It is also VERY cathartic you can picture what every you like as that little ball comes flying at you and you bash the Sh_t out of it :) I was picturing the horribleness I felt today bashing at it like crazy.
 
I think the very fact that you feel so guilty about it, says a lot about you and your own goodness. I think its normal to feel that way but as you've done, its good to try to not think like that. My situation with my sister is much like you with yours. MIne is skinny pretty etc although i do have better hair but that's about all i've got in my favour. My sister is skinny and always has been skinnier than me, though she doesn't over eat and she does a lot of exercise and activity where as i am more lazy and binge eat too.


I wonder if your sister has developed a thyroid problem if now all of a sudden she's putting on weight. IT seems that her metabolism has changed from what you've said.


I don't think you should beat yourself up about what you thought and regret. Just try not to think it again or dwell on it. A buddhist notion of detachment and mindfulness might help. Just notice the thought and let it go. Don't judge it. Do'nt dwell on it or analyse it or get into comparing you and your sister too much. Such things make you miserable. Recognise that she is a separate being from you and don't judge. Judging is a harmful activity. I don't know if that's very clear.
 
Hey there, i just wanted to say don't feel bad if you say you only lost 200g for that day. Do you weight yourself everyday ? If so there's things you should take into consideration, your weight can fluctuate so much based around so many factors. Since i've started my journey, i've become to know my body, and i can tell you that mine fluctuate +/- 7-8 pound per day. Most is based around your fluid intake, i personaly drink ALOT of water, so don't freak out if you think you only lost 200g that day. I wouldn't recommend weighting yourself everyday as it can become too obsesive and play on your moral/mood. Based on your daily activities and food intake you should just know it without looking if you lost weight.


Anyway, don't give up, remember that each day is better than the last ;)


Cheers!
 
Welcome!! You are doing great! I found that starting was the hard part. You have already done that!! Don't worry about the small loss - I find that my weight loss normally is a week or two behind, so you might see the results from this week's work next week (or the week after). :)
 
fortyfour Thanks so much for the assurance and the words of Buddhist wisdom. I will try and keep that in mind.

Are you a Buddhist by the way? it is not something that I know a lot about but my associations are of calm, peaceful, controlled people and orange robed monks. Please excuse my ignorance.

Judging IS a terrible thing and it is something that I am always so afraid of - that people will judge me.


You have a good point about the thyroid thing I will tell her to go and have it checked out.


Asylum Thanks for checking in again - I feel so encouraged when I get feed back and it feels so wonderful to know that someone, a complete stranger cares enough to read what I have written and comment and offer advice. I definitely do NOT weigh my self every day I think that I would go insane if I did :willy_nilly: I go t o dietitian once a week and she weighs me. I also drink loads of water so I am hoping that that is the reason. Here's hoping next week is better :)


ijustwannabefit thanks for your warm welcome and encouragement I hope to have some good results to share soon. I know that at the end of the day it is not the numbers that count but it is always nice to get some sort of numerical confirmation that you are doing good :)




General update - found it VERY hard to get out of bed and go for a walk this morning but some how managed to do it. Once I'm out there its ok but the initial motivation process is still hard. Honestly the fact that I wrote it here on the forum that I would go for a walk every day is what finally got me up! The idea of having to write that I didn't achieve one of my goals that I do have control over because I was tired was extremely motivating. I know that I can aim to loose certain amounts of weight etc but that I cannot guarantee it. but if I set an exercise goal and don't stick to it then I only have my self to blame.


So anyway I should start earning my pay check now :)

Have a beautiful day people.
 
AAwe Silash....you can't control how you feel ...you can only control how you act...and I think you acted wonderfully!! You sound like a thoughtful and kind person!! and you acted like a good sister....and thats all that counts!! Keep up the good work and I am sure you will reach all of your goals in this journey!! :grouphug:
 
Thanks tetemcg - you are so lovely and so encouraging :)

I read some back posts of your diary last night for inspiration, I love the way you write, you often make me smile or giggle.

I also love the way you have edited your pic it is very sexy/retro/chic.




General update - I know I sound like a broken record but it was SOOOOOOOOO hard to get out of bed this morning to go for my walk. I hit snooze 6 times before I managed to convince my lazy butt to get up. I am so looking forward to the stage when it becomes easier and a habit - it will right??!! (read previous sentence with a desperate whine) I know I have to make this a habit now because come winter if I don't have this saved into my autopilot it will just NOT HAPPEN.


Any way I did get up in the end and I did go for a walk and so I do not need to hang my head in shame here YAY!!


Hope you all have a wonderful day :hat:
 
Originally Posted by tetemcg

Awe Silash....you can't control how you feel ...you can only control how you act...and I think you acted wonderfully!! You sound like a thoughtful and kind person!! and you acted like a good sister....and thats all that counts!! Keep up the good work and I am sure you will reach all of your goals in this journey!!
Click to expand...



Soooooooooo agree with tetemcg, You can control how you act. You are a kind person:) I love tetemcg she is so encouraging:)


Anyway silash, welcome to the forum. You have made the first step and that is the hardest. Congrats on getting up today to go for your walk. I know how hard it is to get up and actually do it. Hence why i dont do it often haha.


Im rooting for you all the way deary

xoxox
 
Thanks Irishprincess you are very sweet and all of the encouragement I have been getting here means so much.




So today is weigh in day and I am very apprehensive - I am post period and I didn't have a bad week food wise - 3 small cheats.

My exercise was a little lax because I was feeling really sick from my period but I managed 6 out of 7 days so it's not terrible.


I guess my apprehension comes from last weeks over confidence and also because I have been silly and been weighing myself on our home scale almost every day it is not very accurate and often fluctuates every time I get on with differences as big a whole kilo one minute later. I'm really afraid of getting to my meeting with the dietitian and seeing that scale either stay the same or even worse go up!!!! aaahhh I am freaking out about this weigh in, I just want this day to be over so that I can say ok a new week has started you can make a fresh start and make sure it is a good one.


I think I need to get rid of the home scale........


Proud moments from this week - told mother in law that we would not be coming over for dinner and only for coffee because of diet - when she tried to pressure me I stood my ground instead of caving. When we came over for said coffee and she offered fresh out of the oven cheese cake (you'd almost think she did it on purpose!) I said no thank you very politely. Did exercise on Saturday evening even though it was the very LAST thing that I wanted to do!


Well back to work hopefully it will make the time go faster till the dreaded weigh-in.


:hat:


(I love anything that reminds me of Dr. Seuss and specifically the cat in the hat so I think that from now on I will always sign off with this guy :) )
 
Wheeeew! so weigh in over - I lost 800g which sounds so much better in pounds - 1.7!!!!!! so it's not quite the nice round number that I wanted and I will have to really step things up a notch if I want to meet my goal weight for the september challenge but Yay ! oh and I also lost 8cm all round can't quite remember how much where but I know that I lost 2.5 on my thighs and that makes me VERY happy. My dream is to one day be able to wear a skirt and not have my thighs rub together - now that will be HEAVENLY!!


Well I just got back from my 5km walk so it is off to the shower and bed for me.


hope you all have a wonderful week


xxxxx

:hat:
 
AWell done!! Its one of my goals for my thighs not to touch either.....that would be so so sweet!! you are doing great ...keep it up!! :) :)
 
AHeya :seeya:

Welcome to the forum and a new you!!!
I've read your diary and i love it, you sound great! I love how honest you are on here. I am the same, i love how totally open i can be on here. And i'm sorry but i did giggle when i read about you being secretly a little bit pleased that your sister was struggling with her weight. I think we all have thoughts like that occasionally.
I look forward to following you on your journey.

:)
 
Originally Posted by tetemcg

Well done!! Its one of my goals for my thighs not to touch either.....that would be so so sweet!! you are doing great ...keep it up!!
Click to expand...

Oh I dream of the day when my thighs won't touch :) you seem to be so close to that day! past the half way mark and looking fabulous in that little black dress. I wonder when you will notice that your thighs no longer touch? will it be all of a sudden or will you one day realize that it has been like that for ages? (let me know as you will definitely reach that point before me :) )




Kate thanks for the compliments, encouragement and giggles I think that if not here then where can we be bluntly honest - especially with ourselves.

I feel like I often lie to myself in my head but when I write something in black and white it's like I'm calling my self on the lies - kind of like the whole mirror vs photograph thing.


Any hooo I just visited your diary and you are looking great!! how cool to have to tighten and take things in!




General news, not a bad day so far did a 70 min walk last night and another 35min one this morning. My new aim is to do 2 lots of sport a day a few times a week. So a morning walk every day (well week day because lets be honest there is NO WAY I am getting up at 5 on the weekend to drag my large derriere out for a walk) and then once a week squash and another 2 times at least do a studio class.


I need to step things up because I really want to reach my goal of loosing 3 kilos this month. There is also something good and bad looming on the horizon, my husband and I are going to Europe with another couple for Octoberfest and then a bit of a road trip around the black forest area. So yes that is a VERY good thing and I am VERY looking forward to it BUT since we started planning this trip the main topic of conversation has been the food. The couple that we are going with has been before a few time and they know all about it and they keep telling us about how amazing the food is going to be, buttered chickens, various sausages in all their glory, pies, pastries, cheeses NONE of it sounds at all healthy or diet friendly. I know myself and I know that there is no way I will be able to stick to my diet and watch the others eat but I am not sure how to do this with out going over the deep end :-( We have said that we will get up early to go for a walk and we will be doing a lot of walking anyway I just hope that I do not do too much damage in 6 days!!


Any way back to the grind wishing you a lovely day people


:hat:
 
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