2010, the year I danced myself thin!
- Thread starter Camy
- Start date
~Tutti~Frutti~
New member
Hey Camy,
Looks like you've had a good day.
Hope your little girl feels better soon.
xx
Looks like you've had a good day.
Hope your little girl feels better soon.
xx
Camy
New member
OMG OMG OMG... I lost 2 POUNDS!!!!
I was all psychologically prepared to having lost nothing because I get myself in such a bad mood when I thought I would lose and then don't. But 2 pounds, wow, that means 6 pounds in 3 or 4 weeks... this gives me high hopes, I may actually make some goals this time... I can finally change my ticker (which I had not changed to show 145 because that would have been to depressing). Oh such a wonderful wonderful day. I am aiming for another 2 pounds next week... I could possibly lose 10 pounds before going home (in 2 weeks). That would be indescribably wonderful.
Ok now back on track:
Azdren, I will answer in your journal as it is more probably you will read it over there. I was in Ghana though, as a dr without borders.
Tutti, she was already doing better today, I think she may be going through a growth spurt or something. I heard this song on the radio today and it was totally how I feel about her, it said: sometimes I want to kill you, and others I want to eat you up. I love her, but when she is whiny and cries and shrieks I would just ... well smack her against a wall. Of course I don't and never will, but I have had to put her in her crib and leave the room to take a breather (while she cried her little heart out).
Today I am chilling, should study but obviously am not... if I fail those exams I don't have a clue what I will do. But dancing is so much more fun right now, so I am not putting 100% into my studies (even though I was desperate to get a place in this program and I do love the subject). Oh well, I have the weekend and I will try to get 20 lectures done, then next week I only have 2 days of class and then a break to study for a week intensively. Bought my ticket home yesterday, can't wait to go, my mom will buy me bras and pay for the hairdresser, yey! My secret interior goal for the 18th is 135 pounds... so 4 pounds down. I really will try to do it!
Food log:
Breakfast: muesli with yoghurt, 1 banana
Snack 215 cals worth of rice cakes
Lunch: 1 plate of spaghetti with tomato-mushroom sauce
Dinner: asparagus omelette and 1 mug of soup (the soup is only like 40 cals, it is really weird!)
Exercise:
walked 1 hour with baby in sling and pram
90 minutes of lyrical ballet
I was all psychologically prepared to having lost nothing because I get myself in such a bad mood when I thought I would lose and then don't. But 2 pounds, wow, that means 6 pounds in 3 or 4 weeks... this gives me high hopes, I may actually make some goals this time... I can finally change my ticker (which I had not changed to show 145 because that would have been to depressing). Oh such a wonderful wonderful day. I am aiming for another 2 pounds next week... I could possibly lose 10 pounds before going home (in 2 weeks). That would be indescribably wonderful.
Ok now back on track:
Azdren, I will answer in your journal as it is more probably you will read it over there. I was in Ghana though, as a dr without borders.
Tutti, she was already doing better today, I think she may be going through a growth spurt or something. I heard this song on the radio today and it was totally how I feel about her, it said: sometimes I want to kill you, and others I want to eat you up. I love her, but when she is whiny and cries and shrieks I would just ... well smack her against a wall. Of course I don't and never will, but I have had to put her in her crib and leave the room to take a breather (while she cried her little heart out).
Today I am chilling, should study but obviously am not... if I fail those exams I don't have a clue what I will do. But dancing is so much more fun right now, so I am not putting 100% into my studies (even though I was desperate to get a place in this program and I do love the subject). Oh well, I have the weekend and I will try to get 20 lectures done, then next week I only have 2 days of class and then a break to study for a week intensively. Bought my ticket home yesterday, can't wait to go, my mom will buy me bras and pay for the hairdresser, yey! My secret interior goal for the 18th is 135 pounds... so 4 pounds down. I really will try to do it!
Food log:
Breakfast: muesli with yoghurt, 1 banana
Snack 215 cals worth of rice cakes
Lunch: 1 plate of spaghetti with tomato-mushroom sauce
Dinner: asparagus omelette and 1 mug of soup (the soup is only like 40 cals, it is really weird!)
Exercise:
walked 1 hour with baby in sling and pram
90 minutes of lyrical ballet
Camy
New member
This will be a very long post, a psychoanalytical one at that, so feel free to skip it, it is more a therapy for me than anything else and I was inspired by Jericho and Azdren to do this:
I have been thinking and I have always had a lot of selhatred. I dislike a lot of things I did/do or was/am. And I projected them at other people, I would always be the first to criticise someone who was overweight, someone who was slobby, dressed crappily... while I myself considered myself all those things too. I thought in a way that if I made fun of other people's faults it would be less noticeable that I had all those flaws and many many more. For years I blamed my mother for it, she always told me I was not good enough. Not with those words and she never meant it to hurt, she just wanted to help me be better, so she told me I had not enough friends, or was overweight, or had pimples, or my grades were not straight As, or I never went out, or I read too much... the list goes on and on. What she wanted with this was to help me, encourage me to make more friends, to eat less junk, to work harder because she knew I could excell at stuff. But that is not how young me saw this. Young me thought: even my mom thinks I suck. This made me make less friends, eat more crap and sink deeper into books to hide the sucky person that I was from others. It took me 20 years to confront my mom about it and when I did... 2 worlds collided. She did not think she had been the person I was describing and I was not who she thought I was. In her eyes I was this perfect little girl who just had no drive and was so selfassured that you needed to push her, sometimes with less than friendly words, in the right direction, because she thought herself perfect anyhow. She told me I needed therapy and because I was 20 years old and still quite young that to me sounded like: you are not only flawed but you are also crazy.
I know now that I do need a therapist (however I don't have time to go to one so I am trying to work on my issues by myself... sort of this way) and that things are not just my way or her way but probably somewhere in the middle, that my selfesteem issues made them sound one way and her perception of me made them sound completely differently to her. I am no longer mad at her or my father, I have understood them even if I don't respect their choices when rearing me and I am a bit sad that they never saw behind my "mask" or heard me cry in my room when they had once again told me I was not the daughter I thought they wanted.
I always wanted a boyfriend and in college I had a best friend that I thought could be boyfriend material, I just needed to... shape him a bit. The first year as a couple was terrible, he was... well not nice. But I was used to people being not nice to me, so I stuck around and it got better. He is still kind of my boyfriend (we are working issues out, mainly our own on our own while we are physically apart anyhow). He has changed a lot, he no longer is the guy who would be ashamed of me, he really loves me and I don't doubt that one minute. We have been together 5 years and some of those were strange, I cried a lot, I got really fat and depressed. And I blamed him.
Today I know, it was not his fault, I was expecting someone else to make me happy but I need to make myself happy. I was depending on him to make me feel good and valued but I should know that I am good and value myself. But it is hard to value yourself when you think you suck, when your mom has told you this your whole life, when your boyfriend was ashamed to hold your hand in public. They both made mistakes but I was so unhappy because I had no selfesteem to hold me up to tell them to leave if they did not appreciate me. All my life I felt worthless and I blamed other people for it. But I am the one that has to feel worthy and then other people will perceive it this way too.
I have always admired people, I still do it is only healthy to have people to look up to. I have admired their looks, their actions, their confidence. I thought you were born that way, good or beautiful or confident. But when I moved to Barcelona I decided that I would change my attitude, I would try to be the person I admired to be more able to love myself. I am finally doing something in life that I love, my degree... it is what I always wanted to do and it will enable me to work as one of those pople I admired, white coat-clad, knowledgeable, selfassured and helpful.
I always admired the people who had the guts to cut their hair short, to be punk-rock, or cool, who didn't give a crap about what other people thought and didn't hide behind long hair and jeans and a pullover. So instead of waiting for me to be so sure of myself I went ahead and cut my hair short. I love it short now! So instead of being the haircut the one that fits the person, I became the person to fit my haircut.
I always admired dancers. I am not naturally graceful, I don't have a lean thin long body, I am curvy and have a lot of boobage, I pirouette like a drunk bear in a street circus. But instead of mourning the fact that I was not born to be a first row dancer, I just went ahead and signed up for classes. And I stand in the first row. Am I the most beautiful dancer? Well no, but maybe I will be. And I had the courage to do it, I am doing really hard classes with lots of pirouettes. I wasn't born a natural pirouetter but maybe I can learn to do it. Again instead of being born naturally good at it I am trying to mold myself. And I am damn proud that I had the guts to do this.
I would also like to be someone who naturally doesn't make a big deal out of small issues. I think I am genetically predisposed to be a bit of a drama queen, my mom and sister are much worse than me, but when I argue I can see how I spin out of control. I would like to be able to control this better. I am working on it carefully, slowly, one argument at a time, trying to remember that silly things are not worth anger.
And most relevant to this forum, I always wanted to be thin. I am not obese, but I am not thin either, but I really want to be. Instead of getting angry and projecting that anger at other girls who may or may not be a few pounds overweight, I am trying to lose the weight and be able to love myself, therefore also having nothing to project and being a better person all around.
So instead of hating me and projecting that, I want to not hate me and not to hate others. I am doing all these steps and I am proud of myself. I am 25 now and at some point I will want to settle down, marry, have kids. Not that that stops all attempts to be better, but before I do all those things I want to be a person I could admire. Someone with no regrets, who doesn't cry often, who is not frustrated with herself all the time. I need to be happy with myself, love myself and project that love and happiness onto others.
I needed to write this down so that I can reread it when I am frustrated and remind myself why I am doing it. And I needed to write it down so that it is there out in the open, I know I have issues and I know where they stem from, mainly from me. But I am working on them and I know I can be a person who other girls like me, girls who are afraid of trying stuff in case they fail, girls who hide behind their sarcastic view of the world because is it easier to snark at things they secretly like than to try to change yourself, can admire and maybe help them become who they want to be, some day.
Camy
I have been thinking and I have always had a lot of selhatred. I dislike a lot of things I did/do or was/am. And I projected them at other people, I would always be the first to criticise someone who was overweight, someone who was slobby, dressed crappily... while I myself considered myself all those things too. I thought in a way that if I made fun of other people's faults it would be less noticeable that I had all those flaws and many many more. For years I blamed my mother for it, she always told me I was not good enough. Not with those words and she never meant it to hurt, she just wanted to help me be better, so she told me I had not enough friends, or was overweight, or had pimples, or my grades were not straight As, or I never went out, or I read too much... the list goes on and on. What she wanted with this was to help me, encourage me to make more friends, to eat less junk, to work harder because she knew I could excell at stuff. But that is not how young me saw this. Young me thought: even my mom thinks I suck. This made me make less friends, eat more crap and sink deeper into books to hide the sucky person that I was from others. It took me 20 years to confront my mom about it and when I did... 2 worlds collided. She did not think she had been the person I was describing and I was not who she thought I was. In her eyes I was this perfect little girl who just had no drive and was so selfassured that you needed to push her, sometimes with less than friendly words, in the right direction, because she thought herself perfect anyhow. She told me I needed therapy and because I was 20 years old and still quite young that to me sounded like: you are not only flawed but you are also crazy.
I know now that I do need a therapist (however I don't have time to go to one so I am trying to work on my issues by myself... sort of this way) and that things are not just my way or her way but probably somewhere in the middle, that my selfesteem issues made them sound one way and her perception of me made them sound completely differently to her. I am no longer mad at her or my father, I have understood them even if I don't respect their choices when rearing me and I am a bit sad that they never saw behind my "mask" or heard me cry in my room when they had once again told me I was not the daughter I thought they wanted.
I always wanted a boyfriend and in college I had a best friend that I thought could be boyfriend material, I just needed to... shape him a bit. The first year as a couple was terrible, he was... well not nice. But I was used to people being not nice to me, so I stuck around and it got better. He is still kind of my boyfriend (we are working issues out, mainly our own on our own while we are physically apart anyhow). He has changed a lot, he no longer is the guy who would be ashamed of me, he really loves me and I don't doubt that one minute. We have been together 5 years and some of those were strange, I cried a lot, I got really fat and depressed. And I blamed him.
Today I know, it was not his fault, I was expecting someone else to make me happy but I need to make myself happy. I was depending on him to make me feel good and valued but I should know that I am good and value myself. But it is hard to value yourself when you think you suck, when your mom has told you this your whole life, when your boyfriend was ashamed to hold your hand in public. They both made mistakes but I was so unhappy because I had no selfesteem to hold me up to tell them to leave if they did not appreciate me. All my life I felt worthless and I blamed other people for it. But I am the one that has to feel worthy and then other people will perceive it this way too.
I have always admired people, I still do it is only healthy to have people to look up to. I have admired their looks, their actions, their confidence. I thought you were born that way, good or beautiful or confident. But when I moved to Barcelona I decided that I would change my attitude, I would try to be the person I admired to be more able to love myself. I am finally doing something in life that I love, my degree... it is what I always wanted to do and it will enable me to work as one of those pople I admired, white coat-clad, knowledgeable, selfassured and helpful.
I always admired the people who had the guts to cut their hair short, to be punk-rock, or cool, who didn't give a crap about what other people thought and didn't hide behind long hair and jeans and a pullover. So instead of waiting for me to be so sure of myself I went ahead and cut my hair short. I love it short now! So instead of being the haircut the one that fits the person, I became the person to fit my haircut.
I always admired dancers. I am not naturally graceful, I don't have a lean thin long body, I am curvy and have a lot of boobage, I pirouette like a drunk bear in a street circus. But instead of mourning the fact that I was not born to be a first row dancer, I just went ahead and signed up for classes. And I stand in the first row. Am I the most beautiful dancer? Well no, but maybe I will be. And I had the courage to do it, I am doing really hard classes with lots of pirouettes. I wasn't born a natural pirouetter but maybe I can learn to do it. Again instead of being born naturally good at it I am trying to mold myself. And I am damn proud that I had the guts to do this.
I would also like to be someone who naturally doesn't make a big deal out of small issues. I think I am genetically predisposed to be a bit of a drama queen, my mom and sister are much worse than me, but when I argue I can see how I spin out of control. I would like to be able to control this better. I am working on it carefully, slowly, one argument at a time, trying to remember that silly things are not worth anger.
And most relevant to this forum, I always wanted to be thin. I am not obese, but I am not thin either, but I really want to be. Instead of getting angry and projecting that anger at other girls who may or may not be a few pounds overweight, I am trying to lose the weight and be able to love myself, therefore also having nothing to project and being a better person all around.
So instead of hating me and projecting that, I want to not hate me and not to hate others. I am doing all these steps and I am proud of myself. I am 25 now and at some point I will want to settle down, marry, have kids. Not that that stops all attempts to be better, but before I do all those things I want to be a person I could admire. Someone with no regrets, who doesn't cry often, who is not frustrated with herself all the time. I need to be happy with myself, love myself and project that love and happiness onto others.
I needed to write this down so that I can reread it when I am frustrated and remind myself why I am doing it. And I needed to write it down so that it is there out in the open, I know I have issues and I know where they stem from, mainly from me. But I am working on them and I know I can be a person who other girls like me, girls who are afraid of trying stuff in case they fail, girls who hide behind their sarcastic view of the world because is it easier to snark at things they secretly like than to try to change yourself, can admire and maybe help them become who they want to be, some day.
Camy
Last edited:
~Tutti~Frutti~
New member
Well I think that post, as you say, is more for yourself than anybody else, so I don't think it's my place to comment on what you've written. All I'll say is that it's good you're working out how you feel and how you can improve the way that you feel.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend Camy x
Enjoy the rest of your weekend Camy x
Camy
New member
Thank you Tutti, yes it was indeed a post more for myself than anyone else, of course feel free to comment anyhow, if you fancy. But I understand thoughts and personal realizations don't usually lead to great advice !
Food log:
Breakfast: fruit and yoghurt (165 cals), apple (70 cals)
Lunch: 1 smallish dish of pasta with spicy arrabbiata sauce (400 cals)
Snack: 50 g of popcorn (200 cals)
Dinner: small tuna salad (300 cals), creamed spinach (100 cals), 5 strawberries (50 cals)
Total count:about 1300 cals, not bad
No exercise though I did walk a tad, like maybe 45 minutes total.
!Food log:
Breakfast: fruit and yoghurt (165 cals), apple (70 cals)
Lunch: 1 smallish dish of pasta with spicy arrabbiata sauce (400 cals)
Snack: 50 g of popcorn (200 cals)
Dinner: small tuna salad (300 cals), creamed spinach (100 cals), 5 strawberries (50 cals)
Total count:about 1300 cals, not bad
No exercise though I did walk a tad, like maybe 45 minutes total.
Camy
New member
I am so excited, I just wrote a friend in Australia who is also a Dr if he can get me a couple months worth of practice in his hospital for the summer months (european summer, australian winter). I have always wanted to go to Australia, it is like my big dream and I finally had the guts to write that letter. It doesn't mean he has the contacts nor that he will get me the job or anything but I did it, the first step towards that goal.
Met a nice girl today, had a great chat, but did nearly no studying. I will do a few more lectures before bed, but still have to make muffins and have dinner. Damn... so much stuff to do so little time.
Food of the day:
Breakfast: 1 yoghurt with fruit, 1 banana
Lunch: 1 medium dish of pasta with arrabbiata sauce
Snack: 1 soy latte, no sugar, 1 small pack of m&ms (220 cals)
Dinner: salad with sweetcorn and 1 mug of soup
Exercise:
not much
Met a nice girl today, had a great chat, but did nearly no studying. I will do a few more lectures before bed, but still have to make muffins and have dinner. Damn... so much stuff to do so little time.
Food of the day:
Breakfast: 1 yoghurt with fruit, 1 banana
Lunch: 1 medium dish of pasta with arrabbiata sauce
Snack: 1 soy latte, no sugar, 1 small pack of m&ms (220 cals)
Dinner: salad with sweetcorn and 1 mug of soup
Exercise:
not much
crazy4beadz
New member
what type of practice are you looking to get? Are you studying to get into the medical field?
Camy
New member
Beadz I am a medic (I studied medicine but I have no doctorate in it... so I am not a medical dr), doing a course in genetic counselling. So I want to specialize in clinical genetics and counsel people in that field. I am only about 18 months away from finishing (after... 8 years of studying) and I will spend my summer (eithe here or in England or in Australia hopefully) and the whole of next (school) year working in a hospital, then I graduate and I can start looking for an actual job! That pays some money! Yey!
I felt inspired so I wrote an email to the head of genetic counselling in a hospital in Melbourne... let's what comes out of this.
Camy
I felt inspired so I wrote an email to the head of genetic counselling in a hospital in Melbourne... let's what comes out of this.
Camy
Hey Camy!
Thanks for writing on my thread. I totally agree, and am glad you helped me gain the perspective that I "should always always keep in mind that this is the lifestyle you will keep up for the rest of your life" And its not just about "messing up once." That was very valuable to me.
It is very motivating and inspirational to hear that you were a part of Doctors without Borders! That is a great organization! To be motivating, is in essence the antonym of depressing. Although no two people ever experience the same situations in life, I too have had my share of depression -- from failing relationships as well. But also from weltschmerz (sadness over the evils of the world). I can talk to you about this for hours, and write you novels of prose trying to give you some light -- but this is something you will ultimately need to find for yourself.
That being said, you should know that you can talk to me if you ever want to, or need to.. about that, or anything... I consider myself a romantic, even though this valentines day i'll be spending with Jack Daniels! JK...
But if I had to give you some of my two-cents, this is what I would say: In order for any relationship to work out, you need to have all of the conditions necessary for the flame of love to manifest. You need all of the internal conditions (the presence of infinitamare in your heart -- or, the present of the endless love in your heart; your Will to love, etc...), and all of the external conditions to be present (that there are no physical barriers, distance or time, and anything else for which you have no control over). Many times we find that the flame of a relationship cannot manifest, and we think it is our faults -- or we think it is "His" Fault! But what may be true as well is that it is neither of the two peoples fault, but rather the conditions were not present. As yourself "If everything were perfect, and we were together geographically, would the relationship work out?" Or even "If it was someone else in my situation, would they be in the same situation" whereas if the hypothetical asnwer is 'yes', then you will see clearly that it really isn't your fault.
More often than not, people preoccupy themselves with matters and worries for which in the long term, they understand that they really didn't matter all that much. And what is important to realize is that even when this is the case, it should be understood that it still isn't your fualt, because that experience and time was necessary for these lessons of life to be learned.
Nevertheless, I hope at least something that I said made some sense to you. I know i barely have seen the tip of the iceberg of what you may be going through, but I understand that at the end of the day, all of our struggles are really one in the same. The big questions in life, the way our hearts burn, the reactions to the chains of oppression -- all of these are universal qualities possessed in us all.
Keep on posting on here. i think its awesome that you have the patience to write everything down that you eat, all the way down to the calories.
Good luck with your doctorate training. And write you soon!
Thanks for writing on my thread. I totally agree, and am glad you helped me gain the perspective that I "should always always keep in mind that this is the lifestyle you will keep up for the rest of your life" And its not just about "messing up once." That was very valuable to me.
It is very motivating and inspirational to hear that you were a part of Doctors without Borders! That is a great organization! To be motivating, is in essence the antonym of depressing. Although no two people ever experience the same situations in life, I too have had my share of depression -- from failing relationships as well. But also from weltschmerz (sadness over the evils of the world). I can talk to you about this for hours, and write you novels of prose trying to give you some light -- but this is something you will ultimately need to find for yourself.
That being said, you should know that you can talk to me if you ever want to, or need to.. about that, or anything... I consider myself a romantic, even though this valentines day i'll be spending with Jack Daniels!
JK...But if I had to give you some of my two-cents, this is what I would say: In order for any relationship to work out, you need to have all of the conditions necessary for the flame of love to manifest. You need all of the internal conditions (the presence of infinitamare in your heart -- or, the present of the endless love in your heart; your Will to love, etc...), and all of the external conditions to be present (that there are no physical barriers, distance or time, and anything else for which you have no control over). Many times we find that the flame of a relationship cannot manifest, and we think it is our faults -- or we think it is "His" Fault! But what may be true as well is that it is neither of the two peoples fault, but rather the conditions were not present. As yourself "If everything were perfect, and we were together geographically, would the relationship work out?" Or even "If it was someone else in my situation, would they be in the same situation" whereas if the hypothetical asnwer is 'yes', then you will see clearly that it really isn't your fault.
More often than not, people preoccupy themselves with matters and worries for which in the long term, they understand that they really didn't matter all that much. And what is important to realize is that even when this is the case, it should be understood that it still isn't your fualt, because that experience and time was necessary for these lessons of life to be learned.
Nevertheless, I hope at least something that I said made some sense to you. I know i barely have seen the tip of the iceberg of what you may be going through, but I understand that at the end of the day, all of our struggles are really one in the same. The big questions in life, the way our hearts burn, the reactions to the chains of oppression -- all of these are universal qualities possessed in us all.
Keep on posting on here. i think its awesome that you have the patience to write everything down that you eat, all the way down to the calories.
Good luck with your doctorate training. And write you soon!
Camy
New member
Wow Azdren, what an amazing post... thank you so much! I know it is hard to end a relationship when you are nto sure it is completely over and at the same time it is hard to drag it on when you think it won't work long term. I don't want him to want me to be someone else but myself, and at the same time I wish he'd change many things in himself. This is so terrible, so phoney and I know it is. And some days I think, hey we just don't do well together, let's just find people we do "fit" with better. And other days I think, I will never find someone who is exactly the way I want a guy to be and a relationship is always going to have some struggles and I love this guy, if you love someone you should try to make it work... ugh, we are now back to the, we talk every day phase (we had stopped that for a few months) and I stopped dating other people (I had only ever sort of dated another guy who was not a good choice in the end, not very fun dude). I am also finding it harder to "daydream" about someone else, I am back to daydreaming about him... now I just need to stop dreaming him differently from the way he is.
Aaaaaaaanyhow, I am getting antsy about exams, I have done nothing and everybody else is such a fucking busybee, they all study and what pisses me off royally is that they lie about it ("me, oh no, I haven't even revised a single lecture"). I mean if you study be proud of yourself and say it, if you didn't well... I tell it the way it is, I have barely done anything. From wednesday onwards I have no class anymore to prepare for exams, if I work really hard I can get some 50 hours of studying in between wednesday and thursday the following week which is when exams are. Ugh this is the part I hate most about being back in school, I enjoy learning but I hate being tested in this stupid format. Multiple choice is like the worst idea ever!
Also I felt fat today, it must have been my choice of outfit (baggy everything) but man... I just felt fat and yucky. That had not happened in a few weeks. Well tomorrow hopefully I will be feeling thinner again.
Food log:
Breakfast: 2 banana and walnut mini muffins (I made them myself they look ugly and they have the wrong consistency unfortunately... they taste alright though), 1 banana
Lunch: 1/2 chicken breast with spicy tomato sauce and rice, 1 minimuffin
Snack: 1 apple
Dinner: big green salad with 1 tin of tuna
It all amounts to about 1500 cals I think.
Exercise:
90 minutes of jazz
did not go out with baby due to rain but walked a ton inside the house, she just wanted to be carried all day!
Aaaaaaaanyhow, I am getting antsy about exams, I have done nothing and everybody else is such a fucking busybee, they all study and what pisses me off royally is that they lie about it ("me, oh no, I haven't even revised a single lecture"). I mean if you study be proud of yourself and say it, if you didn't well... I tell it the way it is, I have barely done anything. From wednesday onwards I have no class anymore to prepare for exams, if I work really hard I can get some 50 hours of studying in between wednesday and thursday the following week which is when exams are. Ugh this is the part I hate most about being back in school, I enjoy learning but I hate being tested in this stupid format. Multiple choice is like the worst idea ever!
Also I felt fat today, it must have been my choice of outfit (baggy everything) but man... I just felt fat and yucky. That had not happened in a few weeks. Well tomorrow hopefully I will be feeling thinner again.
Food log:
Breakfast: 2 banana and walnut mini muffins (I made them myself they look ugly and they have the wrong consistency unfortunately... they taste alright though), 1 banana
Lunch: 1/2 chicken breast with spicy tomato sauce and rice, 1 minimuffin
Snack: 1 apple
Dinner: big green salad with 1 tin of tuna
It all amounts to about 1500 cals I think.
Exercise:
90 minutes of jazz
did not go out with baby due to rain but walked a ton inside the house, she just wanted to be carried all day!
Camy
New member
Bad bad me, felt food guilt for the first time in a long time. I didn't go like thousands of cals over, just a few hundreds (2 or 300). Still I wasn't even hungry I just wanted to eat, so I ate... 4 minimuffins more than I should have. Oh well... it is behind me now Hakuna Matata and just look forwards.
Oh and I got not so good news... our dance recital has been preponed, now I need to be skinny for june 12th. That is 17 weeks... I need to lose a pound a week (and a couple extra when I can) to get to goal. Grumph!
Food log:
Breakfast: 2 muffins, 1 apple
Lunch: 1 slice of salmon in fresh tomato sauce with half a portion of brown rice
Snack: 2 muffins, later another 2
Dinner: 150 cals of veg stir fry, 4 strawberries
Exercise:
30 minutes walk with baby in buggy
90 minutes of contemporary ballet
Oh and I got not so good news... our dance recital has been preponed, now I need to be skinny for june 12th. That is 17 weeks... I need to lose a pound a week (and a couple extra when I can) to get to goal. Grumph!
Food log:
Breakfast: 2 muffins, 1 apple
Lunch: 1 slice of salmon in fresh tomato sauce with half a portion of brown rice
Snack: 2 muffins, later another 2
Dinner: 150 cals of veg stir fry, 4 strawberries
Exercise:
30 minutes walk with baby in buggy
90 minutes of contemporary ballet
Camy
New member
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG... Melbourne answered. They are offering me a one month internship. I cannot believe it, it was so "easy". It is not paid for and I need to find my own accomodation, which I guessed I would, but I am so excited! And even though it is scary to go by myself (I always said I would go to Australia on my honeymoon), it is another step combating my dependency issues. I can go away and have a good time and don't need my boyfriend with me. I think I will be going at the beginning of august or the end of july and come back end of september, spend 1 month or a little more working and then a few weeks travelling in AUS and also maybe nip over to New Zealand. One of my best friends from Ghana lives there. Now I seriously need to save some money!
Anyhow, gotta study tons today, have dance this afternoon and I went to the beach with the baby for the first time today. It was cool and windy but sunny and beautiful. We walked for an hour (or rather I walked, she slept in her wrap sling) and man, my legs were killing me in the end. Walking on sand much much harder than on pavement. I will try to get down to the beach a couple of times a week for walks, maybe increase it by like 15 minutes until I manage 2 hours walking with her in the sling, that would be a lovely extra work out.
Food log:
Breakfast: muesli with yoghurt and honey
Snack: (went snack crazy, was starving) 7 strawberries, 1 small piece of cheese, 3 pickles, 1 210 cal bag of rice cakes
Lunch: 1 medium sized portion of rice salad
Dinner: spinach omelette, 1 mug of soup
Exercise:
60 minutes on the beach with baby in sling (plus 30 in stroller on street)
90 minutes of jazz dance
Anyhow, gotta study tons today, have dance this afternoon and I went to the beach with the baby for the first time today. It was cool and windy but sunny and beautiful. We walked for an hour (or rather I walked, she slept in her wrap sling) and man, my legs were killing me in the end. Walking on sand much much harder than on pavement. I will try to get down to the beach a couple of times a week for walks, maybe increase it by like 15 minutes until I manage 2 hours walking with her in the sling, that would be a lovely extra work out.
Food log:
Breakfast: muesli with yoghurt and honey
Snack: (went snack crazy, was starving) 7 strawberries, 1 small piece of cheese, 3 pickles, 1 210 cal bag of rice cakes
Lunch: 1 medium sized portion of rice salad
Dinner: spinach omelette, 1 mug of soup
Exercise:
60 minutes on the beach with baby in sling (plus 30 in stroller on street)
90 minutes of jazz dance
crazy4beadz
New member
YAY!!!!!!!!!! 
Thats great news!!!! Im happy for ya!
Thats great news!!!! Im happy for ya!
Sunflower2
New member
Congrats!!!!!!!!!!
Camy
New member
Thank you Garn, Beadz, Azdren and Hana,
I am still waiting for the actual confirmation of when and stuff but it sounded very promising. Yey.
I am so scared about tomorrow's weigh in, I feel like I probably lost nothing (or even gained) and I did cheat a few days this week but I also withstood a ton of emotional hunger. Studying whilst staying healthy is hard! I just crave gummy bears and chocolate and carbs carbs carbs all day long! I deserve to lose and that is why I am sure I won't have lost... oh my head, the games it plays on me.
It was an ok, day did some studying, had an ok morning with the baby, we had a baby meet... which was ok. It was freezing cold today, like literally my hands hurt from pushing the buggy.
Food log:
Breakfast: muesli with yoghurt and honey
Snack: 1 banana
Lunch: 200 cals of surimi, 1/2 portion of rice salad
Snack: 1 giant cucumber
Dinner: 1 mug of soup, 2 artichokes, 1 tiny bit of rice salad to calm the carb crave
Exercise:
about 45 minutes with baby in stroller/sling
I am still waiting for the actual confirmation of when and stuff but it sounded very promising. Yey.
I am so scared about tomorrow's weigh in, I feel like I probably lost nothing (or even gained) and I did cheat a few days this week but I also withstood a ton of emotional hunger. Studying whilst staying healthy is hard! I just crave gummy bears and chocolate and carbs carbs carbs all day long! I deserve to lose and that is why I am sure I won't have lost... oh my head, the games it plays on me.
It was an ok, day did some studying, had an ok morning with the baby, we had a baby meet... which was ok. It was freezing cold today, like literally my hands hurt from pushing the buggy.
Food log:
Breakfast: muesli with yoghurt and honey
Snack: 1 banana
Lunch: 200 cals of surimi, 1/2 portion of rice salad
Snack: 1 giant cucumber
Dinner: 1 mug of soup, 2 artichokes, 1 tiny bit of rice salad to calm the carb crave
Exercise:
about 45 minutes with baby in stroller/sling
Tacha_22
New member
Thank you for coming and writing on my diary, and being the first to do so, it means alot!
I thought i'd stop by yours and you look like your doing GREAT! You are at 139, if i was there i'd be a few pounds away from my goal! Your so close and your going to succeed!
Your so lucky to have seen different parts of the world! I plan to do some traveling too in a few years and "down under" is my first place to go.
Keep up the good work!
I thought i'd stop by yours and you look like your doing GREAT! You are at 139, if i was there i'd be a few pounds away from my goal! Your so close and your going to succeed!
Your so lucky to have seen different parts of the world! I plan to do some traveling too in a few years and "down under" is my first place to go.
Keep up the good work!
Camy
New member
Hey Tacha I know what it means, I also had a diary nobody visited (I changed due to a ginormous hiatus and needing a fresh start) and I know how lonely it gets, Don't worry I will be checking on you missy!
As expected or rather feared, I did not lose any weight this week. Or maybe I was bloated, some waterweight, I don't really know, the scales showed the exact same weight as last week and I had a meltdown. I cried while I ironed at work. I know it is silly and I am doing it all right so the weight will come off, but this week was hard, I withstood a lot of "I just want to eat until I feel stffed" feelings, I had treats but never went over 1800 cals... I was devastated.
Then I decided that weighing in at work is shitty anyhow, so I wrapped the baby up nice and warm and went into town and bought some superfancy scales. They have water, fat and muscle content measuring tools, (and I know it is not a good or accurate way of measuring it but it will always be equally inaccurate so a reduction in fat will mean a reduction in fat, right?), they tell me how many cals I should eat (apparently 1890) , and I will now weigh in twice a week (tuesday and friday, to take some pressure off the weigh in day) but only friday will count as an official weigh in. However I will weigh in tomorrow, just to check... I am still hoping today was a bit of a misread (I weighed in later than usual because the baby screamed bloody murder for almost an hour, so by the time I could wigh in it was not even close to first things in the morning!
I neeeeeeeed to be 120 pounds by june 12th, I cannot dance on stage in this body, I just can't!
I am feeling thinner or rather more contained, like my upper belly (where the ribcage ends) is much firmer and tucked in, my legs look more toned... but I still have chubby bits especially my tummy (but also upper arms and upper legs).
Otherwise I think I did ok, ate a huge snack in the morning but I knew I would be late for lunch and I needed to keep myself going. Actually I also had a bigger than usual snack in the afternoon... oh well. I am kind of proud of myself that I did not just throw the towel and eat lots of chocolate for all those cravings I battled successfully and yet did not see any results this week.
Food log:
Breakfast: muesli with yoghurt and brown sugar
Snack: 1/2 banana, 1 snackbag of GF crakcers (250 cals)
Lunch: 1 serving of panfried halibut, 1 serving of spinach
Snack: small portion of rice salad (needed to kill it off)
Dinner: vegetable stir fry with 1 egg, yoghurt with fruit
Exercise:
1 hour walk with baby in stroller
2 hours dancing lyrical jazz
As expected or rather feared, I did not lose any weight this week. Or maybe I was bloated, some waterweight, I don't really know, the scales showed the exact same weight as last week and I had a meltdown. I cried while I ironed at work. I know it is silly and I am doing it all right so the weight will come off, but this week was hard, I withstood a lot of "I just want to eat until I feel stffed" feelings, I had treats but never went over 1800 cals... I was devastated.
Then I decided that weighing in at work is shitty anyhow, so I wrapped the baby up nice and warm and went into town and bought some superfancy scales. They have water, fat and muscle content measuring tools, (and I know it is not a good or accurate way of measuring it but it will always be equally inaccurate so a reduction in fat will mean a reduction in fat, right?), they tell me how many cals I should eat (apparently 1890) , and I will now weigh in twice a week (tuesday and friday, to take some pressure off the weigh in day) but only friday will count as an official weigh in. However I will weigh in tomorrow, just to check... I am still hoping today was a bit of a misread (I weighed in later than usual because the baby screamed bloody murder for almost an hour, so by the time I could wigh in it was not even close to first things in the morning!
I neeeeeeeed to be 120 pounds by june 12th, I cannot dance on stage in this body, I just can't!
I am feeling thinner or rather more contained, like my upper belly (where the ribcage ends) is much firmer and tucked in, my legs look more toned... but I still have chubby bits especially my tummy (but also upper arms and upper legs).
Otherwise I think I did ok, ate a huge snack in the morning but I knew I would be late for lunch and I needed to keep myself going. Actually I also had a bigger than usual snack in the afternoon... oh well. I am kind of proud of myself that I did not just throw the towel and eat lots of chocolate for all those cravings I battled successfully and yet did not see any results this week.
Food log:
Breakfast: muesli with yoghurt and brown sugar
Snack: 1/2 banana, 1 snackbag of GF crakcers (250 cals)
Lunch: 1 serving of panfried halibut, 1 serving of spinach
Snack: small portion of rice salad (needed to kill it off)
Dinner: vegetable stir fry with 1 egg, yoghurt with fruit
Exercise:
1 hour walk with baby in stroller
2 hours dancing lyrical jazz