2008: The Best Version of Myself

one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, four...

Hey all... I've been very infrequent with my posting and I think it's going to stay tha way for awhile. I lost my motivation and didn't go to the gym for three weeks... and I ate like a pig over the weekend... I'm not even attempting to stand on the scale until after I hit the gym a few times this week. The nicer weather makes me feel more motivated until it's the end of the day and I want to go play after work and not go to the gym... I think I've been distracted. But I finally got myself a digital food scale... I hope that it does not mislead me into a dismal future of misreadings like some of the "other" digital scales I've been hearing about around here!.... ;) Anyway I got this and it makes me feel better... the regular non-digital one I had I'm pretty sure was just old and not up to snuff anymore... I still need to chuck it but can't convince myself to throw it out... I hate waste. And now I don't have to squint to read between lines and I can switch to grams when the nutritional info says, *1/2 cup or 56 grams.* But I feel motivated by the accuracy of the scale... how weird is that. So tomorrow night I am hitting the gym... hopefully I won't die from not being there for three weeks.

I biked to work this morning to and from the train... I have felt so motivated all day just from getting that extra push of a two mile bikeride before work... I spilled it once and messed up the bike but the wheel isn't bent... the chains seem to be off track and something else is amiss... I'm getting a ride to the train station after work and then Jeff can pick me up and we'll (HE) will figure out how to fix it.

Today is sort of an exciting day. Two years ago today is when Jeff and I met face to face for the first time. Ok... it's not that exciting... I'm lame for even being excited about it... but it's weird to think where two years time has taken me. And I'm more than happy to have spent the last two years with him... I can't even believe it's been two years! 2008?.... really? So I'm skipping out of work early for a "doctor's appointment" which really means that we have an early dinner reservation at our favorite restaurants... this is not any sort of anniversary dinner but the place is having $10 entrees and a steep discount on top tequilas in honor of Cinco de Mayo... I have a feeling that I will be very full and a little drunk... we're going to have to find a place to dry out before driving home.

Leigh Peele just released two new ebooks... her website is ... I suggest people check them out... I don't quite have the cash yet but once I do, I am going to buy them. And if you're cheap, or poor like me, you can sign up for her newsletters and she sends out lots of little tidbits that I find extremely helpful.

I hope everyone celebrates Cinco de Mayo... it's a good excuse to drink tequila!
 
maleficent said:
I made mexican brownies today :) nice ooey gooey fudgy brownies with a kick - a niceheapin' dose of chipotle peppers
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Oh do not tempt me by talking about brownies... Jeff made peanut butter blondies on Saturday night and that's where most of my (overeaten) cals came from... I'm a glutton:( Today is testing my patience... I've eaten about 750 cals in anticipation for tonight's meal but I'm already starving... I'm still going to be in a surplus at the end of the night but a little less of one since I made sure to modify what I ate beforehand.... I think I'll be getting the shrimp dish...

So the chipotle brownies... do they just have a nice kick to them or are they peppery tasting? Also, did you ever use that gift cert. for the cooking classes?
 
you don't notice the pepper while you're eating them - they've got a big ole dose of cinnamon as well so it counteracts the pepper taste - but theye've got a nice slow burn at the end...

Haven't used the certificate yet -there aren't any classes that appeal to me... plus it'd mean actually having to deal with people.. and i hate that these days
 
pretty sad:(

Mid week last week got rough. It's becoming more apparent as time goes on that while Jeff and I have some really great times together, there are things that either need to be fixed/reconciled or the future isn't a possibility. Jeff is a great person, through and through. But he's definitely really missed the marker on some pretty big things. It's only been the past few months that he's finally let his guard completely down which is great and all, but at the same time I just feel resentful that it took him so long when he's never had to worry about anything with me. Even though I was terrified at the beginning that he would turn into the same ungrateful, selfish ass the rest of them turned out to be I still gave it a shot with an open heart. With each new step I was the one putting myself on the line first and I've literally given him everything I have to offer a person. Yet it still feels like I'm only getting 70% of him and I feel like he's focused on everything and everyone around him but me. Back in January we had a huge fight and it was honestly the first time where we had to just leave it go because neither of us were willing to take blame or apologize. He had just gone out of town and I came down with this terrible flu/URI thing that was honestly horrific. I spent an hour dry heaving in my bathroom before I started coughing up blood from a raw throat and it was the most scary thing because no one was there and since he was out of town he blew off my phone calls and it was 3a.m. and I had no one. The next day rolled around and he never called. It was 11pm and still no phone call. He knew I wasn't feeling well but didn't know how bad of a shape I was in because again, blew me off. Finally I just repeatedly called him until he answered... it was immature of me I know, but I was done taking it. He finally answered and we got into it and he just kept going on and on about how he was out with his friends and I just needed to understand that. It broke my heart. And I think I was even more surprised that he acted that way. When he came home I pretty much took all the heat for what happened. He wouldn't let up his side. He said some pretty hurtful things and eventually I just dropped it because I couldn't take it anymore. And then he distanced himself and when I called him on it he told me that I had pushed him away with the way I acted. It took awhile for things to turn around from that... I remember in the weeks after that at one point I burst out laughing from a comment he made and it felt weird... weird because for someone who makes me laugh several times a day, I realized it was the first lighthearted happiness we'd experienced in weeks. Then this week rolled around and he was staying at my place Thursday night and randomly thanked me for the weekend he had all of his wisdom teeth removed and how nice it was of me... and then he did what I had been waiting for him to do for months when he said, "I can't imagine what you do when you're single or don't have very many friends in the city and you have something like that happen." ... and that's when I came back with, "Or you're coughing up blood at 3am in your apartment with no roommate, no friends in the city, and realizing that your bestfriend/boyfriend won't even answer your phone calls." I finally let the cat out of the bag. The situation has been weighing on me for months. And I still can't think about that weekend without crying. Even after I brought it up in bed on Thursday I went into the bathroom and had a little pity party before I got myself together. I finally got him to see it from my side. And he finally apologized and recognized that his actions were extremely disrespectful. But even with all that said it just opened Pandora's box for me.... just all of the times he's put me last or told me that I needed to wait or that I was asking him for something he couldn't give me right now... and I pointed out how he's never been second to anything, he's always had me 100%.

Then the whole sex issue came up. Not really related to the paragraph above but we just hit two issues in the same night. I'm not that comfortable talking about this but maybe someone reading this has experienced it for themself... I don't even know. He doesn't like to have sex as often as I do... I personally think 3-4 times a week when neither of us have kids, pets, a home or hectic jobs that that's a reasonable amount save for the occasional times when we are really busy or super stressed. He thinks that's too much and has made comments that I'm a nympho or that I want an unreasonable amount... which I can't even believe he's made those comments when his own best friend's girlfriend wants it three times a DAY. But his uninterest has led me to being turned down so many times that it's affecting the way I think about sex, the fact that when I am in the mood I just feel guilty or dirty, the fact that I have to muster up courage to ask him, I don't hit on him anymore because it's pretty pointless, and I have to give him fair warning that I"m in the mood... for awhile it was a day... now it's three days. I'm at the end of my rope. I tried compromising to meet him halfway but his interest is declining so rapidly that in a year's time I forsee sex being nonexistant. I haven't always felt pretty, or smart, or funny... but I've never failed at turning on the guys I've been with in the past... and now I feel like a failure at that. I never thought that at 23, dating a guy in his mid-20s that this would be an issue. He says it's not me... he says that all of the things in the past that would have gotten him worked up even before I came along don't spark his interest. I asked him to start exercizing hoping that maybe that will increase things. I went out and bought more lingerie over the weekend and honestly it was the most depressing thing I've ever done. I tried on every sexy thing that VS carries in my size and even after purchasing something I just felt like I was walking out of the store with a trial experiment in my bag... maybe I had the real stuff but maybe I had a placebo. Then i went to the department stores and checked out their selections. I just feel defeated.

This sort of brings me around to my point. We talked on friday before he went h-gliding and he told me two things 1) He doesn't think he's the sweep you off your feet type of guy anymore 2) He doesn't know if things in the bedroom are going to become more regular and that it's possible it's only going to get worse. I've waited all my life to be swept off my feet... maybe I'm just being naive at 23 and wanting a fairytale that doesn't exist for anyone but I want to be swept-off-my-feet-knocked-out-of-park by some guy who thinks so much of me that he can't bare to do any less. And I do see it happening to people and I want it so much and I'm starting to resent Jeff for not being that way when I do know he was like that with his last girlfriend. And secondly we aren't married so I don't think I am obligated to stay in what feels like is going to be a sexless relationship. I don't want to sound harsh or insensitive but I've tried everything I can think of. And these are two things I don't want to compromise on. :nopity: Most days with him it feels like I'm running a marathon and I past mile marker 26 way back but the finish isn't anywhere in site and the hills are just getting bigger. I don't want a new boyfriend or a new best friend... I want him and only him. But now it's bittersweet because I finally want a few things for myself instead of saying I love him so much it can be whatever he wants.

:(
 
Awe BG - I don't know what advice I can give you. But I'm glad that you brought up the flu scenario with him. It's things like that that really crawl under your skin until you get to the bottom of it.

As for the no sex thing, not sure if I can help there. But I'm going to PM you.

And yes, you do deserve to be swept off your feet. Even if it's only occasionally. My dh and I got into a rut and he's never been the kind of guy that just "sweeps" you away. However, he knows how to get me at "hello". If you kwim. He's always saying the sweetest things and so I know he thinks the world of me.

Anyway, off to pm you.
 
Settling down with someone absolutely doesnt mean you shouldl settle for less than what you want.. However, you do want to be realistic in your expectations...

Will anyone ever sweep you off your feet? is the fact that you don't think that he is - is that reality or is that you looking for what's wrong with him rather than what's right with him... And only you can answer that question.

I can find fault in anything and anyone - as a way of keeping people away from me... It's a struggle to accept people as they are and not as i want them to be.

Jeff's a good guy and you've had a lot of fun with him and been thru a lot with him - but is he your forever guy - that's for you to say -and at your age - the rest of your life is a long time...

Lack of compatibility sex wise can be a breaking point in some relationships...
 
maleficent said:
Settling down with someone absolutely doesnt mean you shouldl settle for less than what you want.. However, you do want to be realistic in your expectations...
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There was a time a few years ago when I realized that real life dating/love/romance is only like the movies when two ppl make it that way... because until I realized that I didn't realize movies were full of shit... so I rearranged expectations and relaxed.

Will anyone ever sweep you off your feet? is the fact that you don't think that he is - is that reality or is that you looking for what's wrong with him rather than what's right with him... And only you can answer that question.
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Sweatpea PMed about this and this was part of my response to her on the matter:

And being swept off my feet... I'm not talking flowers every week (and he does bring me some when I'm least expecting it) or fancy dinners and trips... I just want to know that he feels lucky... that he feels in love... that right now I'm the best thing to ever happen to him... that I make the world better for him just because I'm in it... that I'm irreplaceable... that he knows who I am and what I need... that even if he doesn't want it a few times a week that he makes an effort... that he wants to see me... that maybe he's looking forward to our weekend plans as much as he looks forward to other things or people. I hate feeling like I'm his burden. I hate feeling like I still need to prove myself.
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I just want the little, "I'm so lucky to have you"s, because I never get the impression he feels that way and it breaks my heart. We've been together almost 2 years and I have yet to feel like I've added anything positive to his life. When he makes me feel special, I tell him. When he does something goofy that makes me love him a little more than I did five minutes ago I tell him. When he brings me flowers or plans a little something extra I go the extra mile to show my appreciation and when I do little things for him I get "hey thanks."

I can find fault in anything and anyone - as a way of keeping people away from me... It's a struggle to accept people as they are and not as i want them to be.
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I've wanted Jeff to change some things about himself, I won't deny that. But it's always stuff that directly affects me. Like hey, stop putting me in last place to hang gliding, your friends, traveling... I've never cared that he spends time with other things or ppl but what I do care about it the fact that I don't come first until I throw a fit... and I'm tired of throwing fits... I hate being angry and pissy and I hate my eternal 2nd place ranking... it's disrespectful.

Jeff's a good guy and you've had a lot of fun with him and been thru a lot with him - but is he your forever guy - that's for you to say -and at your age - the rest of your life is a long time...
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When we first met and up until maybe these last two weeks I would have said yes. As a person alone, he embodies all of the things I've ever wanted and brought to my attention some other things that I now know I want. And until I met him I didn't believe in marriage and I didn't want children and all of that changed so quickly that I was speechless. But as a partner, I don't know that I can stick out the forever part if it's always my compromise.

And as crazy as it sounds, I'm at the point where I want to know if he thinks this is serious. I'm not looking to hit the chapel for awhile but I just want to know if he sees me in his future, if he wants a future at all. Because I hate the constant uncommitted answers to everything... I deserve better than that.
 
Hey, sorry to hear about the 'issues' with the relationship.

I can't really offer any good advice. Things with my relationship has always come easy for me <knocking on wood big time!>. I know she's one of the greatest things to happen to me ever. And she feels the same about me.

I think a lot of relationships, especially those involving people our age, have the same issues you speak of. And truthfully, I think it's a maturity factor for the most part. It's not always the case, but I think more often than not you have a woman who wants something fantastically special and you have a guy who (again due to immaturity) refuses to 'settle.' Even if things are 'perfect.' They could have the most amazing woman in the world... but it's not about her. It's a barrier established from within.

I know nothing of your situation for the most part or of him. I just know, speaking from experience, most guys our age aren't willing to open themselves up to the extent where they will show the feelings you speak of.

If you think he's the guy for you, you love him, and you see real potential... it's worth trying to figure things out IMO.

If not though, there are so many freaking fish in the sea it's sick. You just have to be willing to throw a line, reel stuff in, and throw things back until you find something that 'works' for you.

From what I can tell from our few convos... you are an awesome woman. Beautiful too. In this situation, I'd go with your gut.

That's 2 cents backed with very little experience.

Figured I'd drop in simply to say hello but saw that big post above. :)
 
I've wanted Jeff to change some things about himself, I won't deny that.
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Changing someone else isn't possible... unless they want to change...

But it's always stuff that directly affects me. Like hey, stop putting me in last place to hang gliding, your friends, traveling...
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That's rough... I like that a person has their own interests and doesn't give them up when they're in a relationship with someone else...but there's afine line... if the other person isn't a priority then it's a problem.


I've never cared that he spends time with other things or ppl but what I do care about it the fact that I don't come first until I throw a fit... and I'm tired of throwing fits... I hate being angry and pissy and I hate my eternal 2nd place ranking... it's disrespectful.
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Throwing a fit (and i know it's just the words you're using -that you're not actually throwingf a fit) isn't the best way to make your point - you should be talking about it before it gets to the point where a fit isbeing thrown...

And as crazy as it sounds, I'm at the point where I want to know if he thinks this is serious.
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That's not crazy at all... it's a reasonable conversation to want to have.. if you were dating for only 2 weeks I'd have a different opinion... but you've got some history with the guy and lots of mileage...

I'm pretty sure you are -but talk tohim and tell him how you feel -not what he's doing wrong but how you're feeling... write it down first if you have to..

you're a very special young lady - you deserve someone who will treat you the way you want and need to be treated...
 
Steve said:
I know she's one of the greatest things to happen to me ever. And she feels the same about me.
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I think if more people felt this way when they got married or made babies, and worked on keeping that sentiment alive that rolling with the punches wouldn't be so hard.

I think a lot of relationships, especially those involving people our age, have the same issues you speak of. And truthfully, I think it's a maturity factor for the most part. It's not always the case, but I think more often than not you have a woman who wants something fantastically special and you have a guy who (again due to immaturity) refuses to 'settle.' Even if things are 'perfect.' They could have the most amazing woman in the world... but it's not about her. It's a barrier established from within.

I know nothing of your situation for the most part or of him. I just know, speaking from experience, most guys our age aren't willing to open themselves up to the extent where they will show the feelings you speak of.
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I think what enrages me more than anything is that at 26 he's got himself together a lot more than most guys and he's very grown up; I'm not dating a toddler. But the more that sort of thing drags out the more tired I grow, and less interested I become. Some days I want to make him watch all those movies where the guy waited too long to say what he felt and the girl left and now she's got a guy who didn't wait to begin with. And then I think that he probably won't miss me when I'm gone and I feel even more defeated and invisible.

If you think he's the guy for you, you love him, and you see real potential... it's worth trying to figure things out IMO.
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I've been trying to figure things out, work things out. It's been a lot of work with minimal progress... which again is coming down to the fact that I feel tired and worn out.

From what I can tell from our few convos... you are an awesome woman. Beautiful too. In this situation, I'd go with your gut.

That's 2 cents backed with very little experience.

Figured I'd drop in simply to say hello but saw that big post above. :)
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Thank you for stopping in and for what you said. A very heartfelt thanks to you:)


maleficent said:
Throwing a fit (and i know it's just the words you're using -that you're not actually throwingf a fit) isn't the best way to make your point - you should be talking about it before it gets to the point where a fit isbeing thrown...
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I tried the talking about it, but to be honest he never hears what I say until i go into "super angry girlfriend" mode, and then he's all ears.


That's not crazy at all... it's a reasonable conversation to want to have.. if you were dating for only 2 weeks I'd have a different opinion... but you've got some history with the guy and lots of mileage...

I'm pretty sure you are -but talk tohim and tell him how you feel -not what he's doing wrong but how you're feeling... write it down first if you have to..

you're a very special young lady - you deserve someone who will treat you the way you want and need to be treated...
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The only part I thought was crazy is me wanting to be serious with someone who has only started to really try after threat number #5 that I was going to walk out the door. I try not to be the "complaint committee" and sometimes when he opens his mouth and ruins my day I just take a deep breath and realize no one is perfect and that I've said some bitchy things in the past.

I don't want to make it seem like I have an awful boyfriend who doesn't give a shit. He cares and he loves me. And usually I have nothing but the best to say. There are just things I've been putting up with for awhile now, telling myself that someday those things would change because suddenly something magical would happen and he'd really, truly love me. But I want to feel like I'm apart of something and I tend to feel like he's in charge and I have to deal with it or leave.

Thanks Mal, Sweatpea and Steve for stopping by.... :)
 
There are just things I've been putting up with for awhile now,
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You shouldnt have to put up with anything..

telling myself that someday those things would change because suddenly something magical would happen and he'd really, truly love me.
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Reality is - that's not going to happen - people are who they are...
But I want to feel like I'm apart of something and I tend to feel like he's in charge
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What's that song - You're not the boss of me? :D you're in charge of you - no one else... he's in charge of himself... what you should have (i hate that word should) is a partnership -where you each play an equal role and you are each getting something out of the relationship

sometimes loving someone isn't enough...

and I have to deal with it or leave.
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true enough...
 
I'll write more later, but just in case it's not today... if you're giving him 100% and he's not giving you 100%, that is something to think about. You are an awesome girl and deserve someone that thinks you are their everything!

The things you described is how my dh makes me feel. He doesn't give me flowers (too often), but I know I'm his world. I only come in second next to God. :)
 
So Jeff and I talked... I think it was last Tuesday... it feels like it was ages ago so my details aren't as clear but I'll give the short version anyway... I've always been a word vomitter.

Me: The last few weeks I've felt like I'm becoming more serious about you. As time goes on it's harder to keep myself from imagining a life with you in it. I need to know if you feel serious... not marriage, but maybe you still see us together in a year, look forward to our next vacation, your next birthday, etc.
Jeff: I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I don't know what the answer is. Yes I see you being here in a year and I want to spend more time with you. But I also realize that I'm not getting younger and I always thought my 20s would be about sporadic girlfriends, lots of casual dating, just not being tied down.

That's the whole outline of what our conversation was about. I want to be serious, feel like I can relax and stop worrying that I'll be Tuesday's trash when some pretty girls walk by. He on the other hand still wants to do the whole "sew his wild oats" thing yet not lose me. I've explained it before that he can't have both. I thought bringing the idea of seeing other ppl to the table, where we each see other ppl, spend less time together, get a little less serious but still remain constant and that's just not for me. Maybe if this had been earlier in our relationship when we were so emotionally attached, but not now. I don't want to share and he agreed that it wouldn't be a good idea. Neither of us want to take a break because we're both scared the other one won't come back. I was surprised to hear that he would be sad without me. He said he's also not sure how you know a person is the one because he thought his last girlfriend was the one and then she broke up with him. And he keeps telling me how being in love is never as good as it is the first time around; how that's an age old truth about love. Then he mentioned that his last relationship they never argued and she didn't drive him nuts; we argue and both drive each other nuts. To me that's just life. And if he would stop trying to resist the things he feels and his actions came from the heart I think we wouldn't fight. Then he brought up traveling and how in the past he's been hit on and always wanted to do that "girl in a foreign country thing" which I just got irritated about. He asked if I'd ever thought about that for myself and I told him that I had but the difference is that I have the ability to realize that some foreign escapade doesn't trump my love; that if I had to pick time and time again I'd choose love. The last thing he said was that he's afraid to get too crazy about me and I said, "Don't you think that if you just went with how you felt and stopped resisting it would answer all of these questions about being serious or me being the one?". And he said yes. And then i said "then why can't you do that". And he said he didn't know and that he's not good enough for me. And I told him it's not a matter of being good enough or not... when you love someone and you can see yourself shortchanging them why not make the decision to give them the best you possibly can.. and he said he doesn't know why he can't do that. To me the answer is because I'm not the one and he's not really in love and I've said that to him and he keeps saying that's not what it means.

So we're still dating. Over the weekend he made a huge effort to do all of these nice things for me which I did appreciate very much. Friday night he made a spectacular dinner and got me a bottle of wine. We were supposed to go out to a blues bar after but, um, we never made it that far;) And it just drives it home further for me that I've never had as much fun as I have when I'm with him; that even the bad days are better than the best days without him. I just wish I could get him to that point in our relationship and I don't know how long is long enough for him to make a decision.
 
I don't know what to think. It seems like he wants his cake and eat it too... I would be steaming :cuss: if someone had said those things to me. I think it's novel of him to add, but I do still want to be with you in a year, but I also want to do a foreign girl. :puke:

I feel for ya girl.

As far as him and his last gf not arguing, well that's probably why she left him, she never had anything to argue about. My husband and I argue, and it's not always a bad thing. You can't agree about everything that's not natural.

And the statement about never being able to find love again... :puke: or I guess it's never as good as the first time. WTH? Love is deeper than that. And yes you can find love again and yes it can be as good as the first time. It's all about how much effort you put into.

I don't know what else to say.

I'm glad he is being good to you, but still you do deserve to be someone's number 1!!
 
I find men like that fall in love almost when its too late, when you've already gotten fed up and walked out the door or met someone else. How old are you and he? When do you see yourself having kids? Are you ready to live with a man now or would you rather be dating for the while? I think the answers to these questions would help you make up your mind about how to proceed.

Thanks for your continued support BG :).
 
Hey you! Thanks for stopping by. I was getting worried about ya!

Catch ya later.
 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU GORGEOUS THING!!!

May this year be your best year yet and may all your wishes and dreams start to come true...

I hope it's truly a spectacular day for yourself :)
 
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