123...I'm Free

Human psychology is an interesting subject matter. What's more interesting is actually witnessing some disturbing psychological patterns within myself.

Since I've always been overweight, it's difficult to say if my weight issues stem from social anxiety, or if my social anxiety stems from my weight issues. They're so intertwined and feed each other.

Anxiety definitely runs in the family, my dad and grandpa exhibited similar social anxiety traits as I do. But they've never been overweight. Maybe it's because men can get away with it more easily than women? The society has certain expectations on how women should look like, and while men get the flack for being overweight too, I've always felt more pressured to deal with my weight issues.

But it's even more difficult when there's something like depression or social anxiety to deal with as well. Right now I'm reluctant to even go for a walk in case I meet somebody on the way. I avoid eye contact because I don't want to start reading into the looks I get. I don't like summers because I can't wear layers of clothes and it makes me feel too vulnerable and exposed. People watch, and it's perfectly normal because they're interested in anything, the ordinary and the out of the ordinary, and it does not mean that they always attach any overly negative attitudes to what they're watching. But I find it disturbing and uncomfortable because I feel like it's personal. I'm always waiting for somebody to make a mean comment or laugh and ridicule me. Even though nobody has done that in years. So, getting out of my comfort zone almost means like going to war with the rest of the world.

Which, in turn, makes me feel depressed and then it's so easy to try to find something to eat to suppress my negative emotions. Over time it became a habit that's really hard to get rid of.

I just think it helps to acknowledge these things because it might give you some tools to actually make things better. Noticing and being aware of these patterns can help to change the habits. But as I've also realized, even knowing all this doesn't always keep me away from food.
 
Men also aren't necessarily expected to be overly sociable. Add to that the easy availability of high-calorie, high-sugar foods and a habit of "consoling" kids and later ourselves with cookies/chocolate/icecream and you've got an addiction waiting to happen. But like any addiction, it can be overcome.
 
LaMaria said:
Add to that the easy availability of high-calorie, high-sugar foods and a habit of "consoling" kids and later ourselves with cookies/chocolate/icecream and you've got an addiction waiting to happen.
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This is so true about using food as consolation! I know my mom did that when I was a kid, and still tries to do it to this day because in her case that's the only way she knows how to express her feelings. It's perfectly clear where I got the addiction to food from, and food was always associated with positive emotions, family time and so on. The habit's really hard to kick now.

And I see other people do that to their kids too, to make them behave or keep them quiet and 'happy', and it's just sad. It's difficult to say anything or point out that it's probably going to bring more problems in the future for their kids because you're not supposed to butt in to other people's business. It's not like they listen to it anyway, I guess they see it as an attack to their parenting skills.

I've kind of given up on saying anything about food because I've seen it doesn't work in my family. Healthy eating habits, proper nutrition and exercise, they still do whatever they want. But I've concluded that there's really nothing I can do anyway, they have to find things out for themselves and take care of themselves. Just as I have to take care of myself.
 
I think it's really good that you are able to see what the problem is & where it may have come from & that you are doing what you can to overcome it. Knowing that you need to take care of yourself is very important. You seem very smart & intuitive & I think you will find your path in life. I am glad that we are able to share it with you. My diary has helped me immensely to find the confidence I never had when I was younger. It helps to put your feelings out there in a safe, non-judgemental environment.
 
So far, pretty good. I've been able to keep up with my meal plan. I guess evenings are the worst because I get tired, and become more irritable about everything, so it's easier to reach for food then. I'm aware of all that, so I've kept myself in check and it's been working.

I'm not too happy about exercising though. As I said, I hate summers, especially the really hot and humid kind of summers. I really don't feel comfortable going for walks anymore. I do have a crosstrainer at home, but it's merely collecting dust. I can't, for the life of me, get myself to use it. It's supposed to be simple, get dressed and put my running shoes on, I could just watch movies for an hour or so, nice comfortable tempo. The goal in doing so isn't weight loss, but to tire myself out and get those nice endorphins going in my body so that I'm more motivated to follow my meal plan. Love that rush after a good workout.

But no, I just won't do it. I used to work out to Jillian Michaels' workout videos and loved those, I could really see the difference in just three weeks. But no, can't seem to get myself to do those either. It's frustrating fighting with my mind all the time. It's not laziness, I know how great I feel after a workout once I get over the hump. It's just so difficult to actually get myself to even try.
 
I hope you did 123. You know you need to do the things that will make you feel better. Please try honey xoxo
 
I'm really proud of myself today. I went for a little road trip with my family, packed two meals and stuck to my plan 100%. After returning home, I also went for a walk, so that makes 5 miles total today.

It's more difficult being around others who are not restricting their diets to healthy meals only. The temptations are right there, on other people's plates in front of me, so I do call it a little victory when I'm not even the least bit tempted. Because I know what I want to achieve, I know that if I let myself get weak and give in, it might lead to bingeing that is hard to stop. So, for now I have stuck to 100% meal plan with no cheat meals or anything. And it's easy to do on my own, but with others around eating all they want, I do have to put my foot down not only for myself, but to others trying to sabotage me as well.

My family is not deliberately trying to make me fail, but they've seen me fail time and time again, so apparently that gives them the right to also joke about my attempts. My mom thinks it's completely fine to offer me food, and not even the healthy kind of food but everything they have in their house, even when I've told her for years not to offer me anything unless I ask. She just doesn't get it, that it's not ok for me to eat the things I'm not supposed to eat, how one bite can lead to thousands more. It can be really demotivating when even your family doesn't believe in you or support you 100%.

So, I'm on my own in this and I know I can still do it, no matter what. As of this morning, 60 lbs lost since I started my journey on January 17th, 2016. Woop woop!

P.S. I can't get my LilySlim ticker to show up in my signature. I copy the BB Code, it shows up perfectly in the Preview, but there's nothing under my posts. I don't get what I'm doing wrong. Eh, I'll figure it out some day. :D
 
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It is a shame that your family don't get it. I don't know why some families think it's ok to mock one another. My husband's family do that. You can still do it 123 & you are doing it. 60lbs lost is wonderful.
I have just had a look to see if I can find some more info on adding a ticker. I think you should have had enough posts by now to add one, but I can't seem to find much info on it anymore. We have had a major forum change this year & it is much better than it used to be. Try again, but if you continue to have trouble with it, go to the bottom of the page to "Contact us" & ask for help. Cheers, Cate.
 
Thanks, Cate!

It does kind of feel amazing to see the numbers adding up. One pound at a time, I just have to keep going. I've also lost about 20 inches overall from my body. It's not that much when I compare it with other people who've lost less weight but even more inches. I don't lift weights just yet, so can't blame muscle building either. I've only gone down one pants size. I'm tall(ish), I have a large frame, and I tend to fall in the endo/mesomorph body type, so I'll never be lean or anything like that, no matter how much weight I can lose in a healthy way. Sometimes I joke about it and say that I'm doomed to be 1.5 times bigger than the average female or even male. So yeah, these are the cards I've been dealt with.

It was actually really demotivating the last time I lost this much weight. Because you know how people have dreams about losing the weight and expect to look better than they did but never really do so they just have to keep going to lose more weight. Keeping oneself motivated when there's little results in terms of appearance can be difficult even with dozens of pounds lost. I already know that, in my case, the weight loss will start to show more when I've lost around 90 lbs and more. That's why I try to deliberately notice any little changes to my body, not just the weight on the scale or the size of clothes I can wear. I use a tape measure once a month too so that I can record some actual results as there might not be any results weekly. Keeps me motivated much better.
 
That's how to do it 123- 1 lb at a time & notice it, keep measuring & give yourself a little mental pat on the back every time you achieve something. The little things add up to one big thing. How much have you lost of your waist so far? That is one of the most important yardsticks now. Doing well 123, doing well....xoC
 
What Cate said :) Another woman with a large frame here, by the way, and I know the struggle. Up to wearing an old anklet of my mom's on my wrist because no wrist bands would fit me. Funny thing is: other people don't notice anywhere NEAR as much as you do yourself.
 
cate said:
That's how to do it 123- 1 lb at a time & notice it, keep measuring & give yourself a little mental pat on the back every time you achieve something. The little things add up to one big thing. How much have you lost of your waist so far? That is one of the most important yardsticks now. Doing well 123, doing well....xoC
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Thanks for the support and encouragement, Cate! I've lost around 5 inches from my waist, and also 4 inches from my hips. I'm really pleased with that. Other parts are slower to change, my upper arms will probably be the last ones to slim down. But I have all the time in the world. There is definite progress and it is really motivating. I know that some people feel disappointed when they don't see big results, and that can have a negative effect on weight loss as well. It's good to be aware of that and not let it affect you.

LaMaria said:
What Cate said :) Another woman with a large frame here, by the way, and I know the struggle. Up to wearing an old anklet of my mom's on my wrist because no wrist bands would fit me. Funny thing is: other people don't notice anywhere NEAR as much as you do yourself.
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Yeah, I always try to remind myself one of those motivational posters on the net: "It takes 4 weeks for you to see your body changing. It takes 8 weeks for your friends and family. It takes 12 weeks for the rest of the world. Keep going". It actually helps.
 
Went for a 5-mile walk today. The weather was really windy and it was raining a bit. Sounds perfect to me. :D I'm glad I did that, just feels good to actually do something. Any little thing helps. I've been following my meal plan 100%, so that's something to be proud of.

I thought I'd put some stats up here as well, so that I can come back to it when there's real progress. I can tell from how my clothes are starting to hang around my body that there is real progress. But it's difficult to actually see any of that on my body, I only see the wobbly bits and they seem just the same as they've always been. I can see some progress in the mirror, but it's also dependent on my mood. So I am well aware how the mind can play tricks on you.

I started my weight-loss journey on January 17, 2016.

Height: 5'9''
Goal weight: 155 lbs

January 17, 2016:

Weight: 295 lbs
Waist: 45''
Chest: 49''
Upper arm: 18''
Hips: 51''
Thigh: 32''

July 7, 2016:

Weight: 235 lbs
Waist: 40''
Chest: 46''
Upper arm: 16''
Hips: 46''
Thigh: 28''
 
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So, yeah...I just binged. It hasn't happened in quite a while. And the stupid thing is, I was well aware of what I was doing. It's not like I couldn't have stopped myself, I was telling myself there's still time to stop this nonsense when I was plating up food for myself. But I did it anyway.

I'm allowed one cheat meal per week provided that I've been following the plan 100% and the weight is dropping. And I just used that as an excuse to binge! I wasn't planning on using the cheat meal, I rarely feel the need for it. And there wasn't any need for it now either.

TMI Alert!!! It's definitely connected to PMS. I already know that once I start feeling all pumped up, everything seems to go so well, and I start to feel that nothing is going to stop me, I end up stopping myself. And all of that conveniently coincides with PMS.

I know that it's not going to ruin things in the long run, and I just have to keep going. But it still sucks that I do it while noticing all the signs leading up to it. I received some bad news about a family member and I've been worried about them, and I've felt on edge and bored all day. I've been trying to distract myself, but I still made the conscious choice to binge. I have to accept that and move on.

Water under the bridge, water under the bridge...
 
123xyz said:
I'm allowed one cheat meal per week provided that I've been following the plan 100% and the weight is dropping. And I just used that as an excuse to binge! I wasn't planning on using the cheat meal, I rarely feel the need for it. And there wasn't any need for it now either.
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I don't even allow myself cheat days because, when I feel a binge/craving coming on, it's so much easier to justify it to myself as ok to start. I just don't have the willpower to stop, so I avoid being in a position to start!

It's tough and so demoralising when it happens. However it does make good motivation to refocus and stick to your health goals for the next few days!
 
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