123...I'm Free

123xyz

123xyz

New member
I just thought that I'd create this diary as a place to vent my thoughts, feelings and all the positive/negative aspects of finding my way to freedom from this prison my excess weight has put me in.

At times it's going to be a real pit of misery and self-hatred around here, so be warned. Maybe writing it all out will help, just to keep myself busy and away from food. I'm not looking for advice or anything, I already know what I'm doing and things are mostly under control. Except my emotions keep bouncing all over the place.

Right now I just feel so alone and depressed, I can't help seeing everything in dark colors even though I've already lost 55 lbs. I have 90 lbs more to lose. I keep telling myself that everything will be different in a year, I just have to keep going strong. Only one more year until I might be feeling like a human being again. And I know I can do it, I've done it a dozen times already. I also know that even with all the weight lost, I might still feel worthless. It's hard to see anything good in my life right now. I know it's there, but I don't feel it.

Alrighty then, let's begin.

And since I love music, I'll just throw this song into the mix.

 
So I might as well answer the diary questions.

  1. What is your current height and weight? 5'9'' 240 lbs
  2. If you were at an ideal weight now, what would that weight be? 155 lbs
  3. At what weight would you like to be at four months from now? I've currently set a goal for September 1, and it's 220 lbs
  4. Why do you want to lose weight? I want to feel good in my body, I want to be fit and strong and healthy
  5. Do you want to lose weight for a specific life event such as wedding or reunion? If so, when is that event? Nope, just losing weight for regular life events.
  6. What obstacles could get between you and your weight loss goals? The biggest obstacle is my mind and what it keeps throwing at me. Getting scared of actually succeeding and having to deal with things I've never dealt with before, what normal people have to deal with.
  7. Why do you think that you now have a weight problem? Emotional eating to suppress various emotions.
  8. What lifestyle changes do you think would help you lose weight? Exercising more. Not specifically to lose weight but to keep my mind occupied and make me feel better. I've witnessed it work time and time again, but it's difficult to push myself to get out of my house
  9. Have you lost weight in the past? If so, what has worked in the past to help you lose weight? Oh yeah, I've been consciously at it for almost 15 years now. Lose weight, gain weight, lose weight, gain weight, ad finitum. Keeping things under control has helped a lot, but if things get out of control for even a split second, it can all go down the drain super fast.
  10. Why do you believe that you did not lose weight or you gained the weight back? I gained it all back because being huge is my identity, my comfort zone. I've never been at a normal weight, I've never felt normal, it's scary.
  11. What, if anything, has not worked for you in the past in helping you to lose weight? Why do you think it did not work? Letting loose is not something I can afford with weight loss. One candy leads to a thousand more, one chip to tons more.
  12. Would you try writing down all food and drink consumed for a given period of time? I've been writing everything down for four months now and it's been very helpful.
  13. Do you cook at home often? If so, what do you cook? I cook most of my meals. I'm following a personalized meal plan which only includes healthy and balanced meals.
  14. How often do you go out to eat? Where do you go? Never. I know better not to tempt myself because it's not going to help me with my goals at all.
  15. What are your three favorite foods? Sushi, Asian food, steak.
  16. What are your three favorite restaurants? Anywhere with sushi, Asian food and good steaks.
  17. What are three things you can do differently when it comes to food? Avoid all added sugar. No foods with excess fat, salt and seasoning. Fresh produce and wholesome foods only.
  18. If you woke up tomorrow and your body was exactly the way you want it, what would be different? My guess is nothing except for my body.
  19. Do you eat when you are not hungry? Absolutely.
  20. Do you binge eat (large amounts at a time)? You bet.
  21. Do you hide your food or eat in secret? Living alone, so no need to keep it a secret.
  22. Do you eat when you are sad, nervous, or depressed? Who told you?
  23. Do you eat as a reward? I'll give you three guesses.
  24. Do you eat while watching TV or using the computer? All. The. Time.
  25. What do you normally eat for a meal? Carbs, fat and protein. 30-35% each.
  26. What type of snacks do you eat? No snacks.
  27. In terms of exercise, what, if anything, are you currently doing? I take brisk walks 2-3 times a week, 1-1,5 hours, 4 mi each.
  28. Where do you go for exercise? A local public gym? School/work gym? Home? Nature trails.
  29. What, if anything, are your three favorite types of exercise? Walking, cycling, swimming.
  30. What is your daily/weekly/monthly/yearly motivation to move towards your goals? I want to feel good in my body. The alternative simply sucks, so I have to keep going.
  31. Do you have rewards for certain goals? Not yet.
 
Hey 123 and welcome to the diaries :)

You seem to be realistic about your goals and plans, so that´s a good start. I find that while writing in my diary won´t keep me from veering off track it WILL help me get back on track before I do too much damage. Plus I get people telling me when I´m being unthinkingly cruel to myself, a reminder which can be very helpful.

Best of luck!
LaMa
 
What a brilliant post and great goals. I was like you heck probably much worse.My husband had to help me onto my exercise bike!,I still have a way to go but my aches and pains are less, I'm moving more and certainly in control of me again
I gave myself little rewards for reaching certain goals...going a week without cheating... a new lipstick.Nothing expensive, just something to make me feel better
 
Thanks, Polly. It's the little things that matter and pave way to awesome things. Keep going strong!

I know I should start rewarding myself too. It just always feels like I haven't done enough to deserve anything. I know it's a negative thought pattern that won't do me any good, but still fall into that trap. There's a long way to go still.
 
As long as you feel you don´t deserve nice things, your body may decide you don´t deserve to be fit and healthy... But ´m guessing you already know that. All the more reason to track your thoughts in a diary :)
 
Now now now!We are not allowed negative thoughts:mad: on here . You are special because, unlike the rest of the fatty community, you are doing something about it. That thin gorgeous creature inside you, the one you haven't contacted for a long time is now taking charge and she likes to be pampered. If its any help, I stuck a very unflattering photo of me on the fridge door
 
Oh, I have no need for unflattering photos. I just look in the mirror. :D

But I am feeling better today. The negativity comes and goes in waves. Writing it out helps take the edge off. I know I'm doing really well because I'm following my meal plan 100%. It's also really nice to notice the little changes in my body. My stomach is looking much better, my hips are smoother and my legs are starting to look more like legs than logs.

I don't even care that others don't notice it. In fact, right now I'd actually prefer others not to say anything because even the positive comments can make me feel bad and I start thinking about how I let myself get to that point in the first place.

I keep telling myself to stay strong, one day at a time, if I keep at it long enough I will see and feel the results. I've done it before, I just have to keep going.
 
It's good to hear you notice the little changes. Too often we concentrate only on the things we don't (yet) like. Yay for sticking to your plan!
 
There's one thing that's been giving me some grief lately. I quit college last year to concentrate on my health, both mental and physical. I'm finally in a place where I feel strong enough to battle the bulge. I've made my peace with some things, and it's given me the strength to fully concentrate on weight management, proper nutrition and exercise. It's made me feel the happiest I've been in years. My only task right now is to eat healthy, sleep well, exercise to the best of my abilities, and feel calm and relaxed enough to keep going strong.

But now I have to decide whether to keep doing that or go back to college. There are pros and cons to both decisions, so I'll try and write them down here to get some perspective.

I'm prone to depression, and have quit doing regular things other people do before (going to school, working) just to keep my sanity. I'm lucky enough to afford putting everything else on hold and concentrate on my health. But since I can't keep doing it forever, I do still have to find a way to create a career to support myself. So that means going to college will be a good thing in the long run. Since I also have a scholarship I'll be unlikely to get in the future, dropping college altogether might mean I'll lose a really good chance to make something of myself.

Trying to maintain my health without any stress and other distractions has been highly successful for me. Going back to college will definitely increase my stress levels and keep me distracted from proper weight management. It will make it so much harder to keep going strong the way I have been for this past year. Being conscious of my stress levels and keeping up with regular exercise regimen can help reduce the stress, but I know very well how easily things can start to go wrong. I've been there so many times already, so any kind of strength I feel right now can turn out to be just an illusion when I crumble under the responsibilities and everything else regarding health is put on hold. So, trying to keep the current status will be a good thing in the short run, while I keep building up my strength. But it will also be good in the long run because by then I will be able to tackle anything thrown at me much better.

I know that other people have families, they work, they might even have some debilitating illnesses, but they can still manage everything in their life, including weight loss. I have none of that, but it still feels impossible that I can do everything at the same time. History has shown that sometimes I can, and mostly cannot.

I'm just scared that things will go back to how they were. I've watched it happen many times before, and I don't think I'll be able to stop this time without breaking the 300 lbs mark. Before I know it, I'll be like a robot again, grabbing everything from the chips and ice cream aisle. Knowing that it's bad for me doesn't help, I still do it. Knowing about nutrition doesn't help, I still do it. Knowing about exercising doesn't help, I still do it. Going to therapy doesn't help because once I get the idea into my head that it's all going down the drain, I'll just feel paralyzed and watch everything go down the drain, no matter what anybody else is saying.

I know very well what I have to do. I have a meal plan and all I have to do is follow it closely, prep my meals, and just eat them. I have to keep track of my stress levels and exercise to release the tension. Sounds easy, doesn't it? Then why can't I just keep at it long enough for it to work to my favor? It's just so frustrating to keep sabotaging myself every step of the way.
 
Depression IS a debilitating illness, honey. Cut yourself some slack. TMI warning: I dropped out of university in... 1999, because the brain fog had got so bad I couldn't even read anymore. Did manual labor for nine months, recovered my sanity somewhat, then started working toward a bachelor's degree instead of a master's. Completely different field, much less demanding intellectually (I still can't concentrate as much as before) but it's fulfilling work and it means I can support myself. Am I sometimes sorry I didn't end up a geologist? Yup, it happens. Not a lot though, and I know I could not have made it through the rest of my course load back then.
Doesn't mean you have to do the same thing. I'm just saying there are easier options available. Do you have a counsellor at your college who could help you devise a path which will lead you somewhere useful without being too hard or scary?
 
123xyz great post! Love the video and Q & A.

I can relate to your story as I have depression issues and they are totally connected with my weight issues.

You've come so far with the 55 lb loss! While I know you just want the other 90 lbs off, you should pat yourself on the back and realize you have done an amazing task. Put what you learned to work and shred the 90 knowing in 6 months to a year you are going to look and feel fantastic for so many reasons.

As for the university that is a tough one. Its a big decision but I say time heals all and if you wait to reenter when you are 1000% stronger mentally maybe that is something to consider. While you are doing great with the loss you are still a little sensitive to things and you may have a much more positive outlook down the road and be capable of handling both school and your new body (which will take a lot of work to maintain).

I myself do much better when Im in a structure where the stress is much lessened and I can focus on my health which includes diet, exercise and mental factors.

I guess the flip side is that isolation is dangerous, but if you're hitting personal goals hard and getting results I think its ok but not for years on years.
 
Depression is a dreadful thing.More so because people don't understand it. 'Pull your self together' is the most hurtful thing to hear or 'A youngster like you shouldn't be depressed' that's another. If you had a problem with your leg, everyone could see that but depression is very misunderstood.I've been privileged to nurse, in the past, many depressed people and the battle is a hard one for them.
I'm not sure how old you are, so can't say well,you can put uni off for a while.However; mu mum's friend went to uni when she was 60.For me, stress caused my weight gain and now I'm stress free I can spend time being kind to myself.Only you will know what's best, but don'tbe in too much of a hurry to add stress, which could be avoided, to yourself.
 
Unfortunately this is my very last chance. I've changed my majors several times already, so I'll either quit pursuing college altogether, or keep going and possibly succeed or fail miserably. Going to school and doing the work isn't really that hard or scary, it's just stressful and stress can lead to some very negative things for me. I just have to attend the classes, take the exams, and that's it.

But it's difficult for me to be around other people. I hate feeling that I'm only judged on my appearance. I'm not being bullied or anything, nobody even says anything to me, it's all in my head, and I know it. But it's so difficult to get past that feeling. I can function very well, even with all my anxieties, as long as there isn't a need for socializing. The scary part is that since I'm an emotional eater, I'm afraid that I can't cope with the stress (it might as well be self-induced) and end up bingeing every night again, as I did the first year.

I know that I should just take things one day at a time. Schedules work for me really well, so the best thing would be to schedule my days and include everything that works for me while I take small steps to tackle the things that don't work that well for me.

It kind of feels stupid to write it out like this. Like I know it's all in my head, and I'm smart enough to work out a plan to deal with it.

Thanks, everybody, for replying and thinking along. I know it must look like I have an excuse for everything, but it's just my way of thinking things through. I really appreciate your responses. :)
 
It´s ok; this is your diary and you can write whatever you need to get off your chest. Writing stuff down is very helpful in straightening my thoughts, and sometimes even more so when I reread later.
 
You don't sound stupid writing this at all. You have serious decisions to make and to work through them is the best.

I totally understand what you are saying in every way. If this is your last chance go in as strong as possible and crush it, like u will the rest of the weight you will lose.

Id just keep thinking and get better each day, you will make the right decision in the end. Also keep sharing as I think it really helps you and also others.
 
~ Hi 123xyz & a belated welcome to the forum(I have been away for a few days). I have just read the ^ posts & agree with most that has been said. You have a lot in common with most of us. I use the diary to help me make decisions. Just putting it down helps I think. Being able to go back & re-read what you put another day can help you feel better as well. I'm glad you found us. One thing I must say. I was just in Melbourne for the weekend & we drove past Melbourne University. I still wish I had gone there when I had the chance! I even lived within walking distance. On the other hand I most probably would never have met my lovely husband if I had, so I have had a pretty good result. Life is full of hard decisions, but is best lived without major regrets. LaMa's suggestion of discussing courses that may not be too stressful is a good one.
I look forward to getting to know you better. I love your intro & your honesty with us, xo Cate.
 
Thanks for the welcome, Cate!

I guess one of the reasons why I'm so conflicted about going back to college is the thought of 'what if?' at the back of my mind. What if not going to college would actually make my life a lot better? Or what if going back would change things in an unexpected but positive way, instead of the negative I keep dreading. I've already wasted years of my life doing things I didn't really care about, just because of expectations other people had. And college isn't something I'm passionate about, I just feel the pressure to do something with my life because everybody else has to do it too. But if I don't go, I'd just be isolating myself more and more. It's not as if I'm doing great things with my life now, I rarely go out of my house as it is. First world problems :p

But I have two months to decide, so I'll just let things settle for now and concentrate on my weight, health and overall wellbeing. Since I can't predict the future anyway, I'll make the decision, stick with it and face the consequences when the time comes.

I'm still doing great with weight loss. Staying mindful of my thoughts to keep myself from bingeing has been really helpful. Even with my ever-changing moods, I've managed to eat everything I'm supposed to eat and not be influenced by the bouts of negativity. I keep telling myself that these thoughts are just temporary, they'll pass and I will feel better again soon. It's also interesting that I don't have any cravings. It's partially due to cutting off sugar, but I'm also convinced that for the first time in years, I'm mentally in such a good and strong state that I've already won half the battle before even getting into one. :D

Keeping myself distracted with movies, tv-shows and silly little games from the AppStore has helped as well. Knowing that I have a meal plan and all I have to do is follow it really takes the pressure off.

I've even started to get restless when I don't go for my usual walks for a few days. Noticing these little things and actually doing something about it makes a big difference.
 
Taking things day by day is a good idea 123. It's good that you are noticing small positive changes :) I'm glad you have found the forum. I hope it helps you xo Cate

(Btw you probably know to ignore spam, but I also report it the minute I see it. It is very annoying. The mods in this forum are very good, but there seems to be a fairly relentless lot of spam atm. Make that VERY annoying as another one has appeared while I was typing. Grrr.)
 
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