I work fulltime as a legal assistant, I go to school fulltime with 2 in class classes and 3 online classes. I have a daughter who is 8 years old, a cheerleader and only comes home everyother week. I come from a family of four (being the youngest). My mother never cooked, we always ate out. I was so lazy in high school I faked out my asthma condition level just to be part of a special physical education class where we didnt do a whole lot. I was never very active. Since High School, the only activity I was ever really into was dancin at the club. My eating habits just continued from my parents. There are days where I would eat 3 meals, but there were days I only ate one. But they were always out. I have no idea how to cook. Its easy for me to make all these excuses to just go through the drive thru.
The following is a list of reasons I need to do this for myself.
1. EMBARRASMENT - I am embarrased to walk into these restaurants and get the same thing everytime. I am embarrased to be seen eating, so I eat in my car at lunch. I am embarrased to be seen in a bathing suit on the beach. I am embarrased to be seen in the gym, as I feel that everyone is staring at me thinking that I am going to just give up or that they will laugh at me thinking I can't do this. I am embarrased to go into a group fitness class as I know I would be the biggest one in there and just the thought of staring at myself while I attempt these moves, I look more like a whale then I thought I did. I am embarrased to be at my daughters cheerleading games as even if I had the thought to go to the concession stand just to get a drink, I feel as if people are laughing at me thinking that I am there to get food.
2. CLOTHES - I have always been a jeans n sneaker girl. I have bought heels and sandals for work, but my feet are so big and I am so big, I can't stand in them very long as my feet will start to hurt where I can't walk. Shirts. My arms are so horrible I can't wear sleeveless tops without looking like I have two big ass hams for arms, one for each arm. Plus I have these puffy fat pockets where my arms meet my torso. My Bras get all stuck in a flap of fat just making my flaps more visible and less easy to conceal. Pants. I wear a size 22. maybe getting to size 24. My top belly flap folds over while my bottom flap is squeezed into my pants. In order for me to dress nice, I have to order things online, which doesnt allow me to try things on. But then again I hate trying things on because I never think I look decent in anything.
3. LOVE - My love life has turned into me having sex with anyone I feel attracted to that gives me attention, just to have that small token feeling that someone wants me. But it always ends there. NO ONE ever stays to want more. No one ever calls to see if I am ok, its always because they want something from me. In fact I had been hookin up with this guy on and off for a year. I bought him a PS3 for christmas thinking he would see that I care for him and call me more. He hasnt called me since christmas. I could have used that $500 to pay for 5 sessions with a personal trainer. But thats the fat girl trying to buy her way to a man that will stick around.
I have an eating disorder. Food all these years have NEVER let me down. Sad right? I watched one night as my friend Becca was on the dance floor and EVERY GUY had their eye on her. Not saying that I want every guy's eye on me but I just felt like the token FAT girl. The SAME feeling I get whenever I am near her or any girl for that matter. BUT more for the fact that this past week everyother driver called me fat. So I was in the drivethru of the McDonalds and this guy is beeping behind me as if I am going too slow in the drive thru. He was screaming "OK Fatty, you will get your food soon" funny I was ordering a salad. I wanna be able to take GOOD pics, not ones where I wanna kill myself after lookin at them.
I tried a Zumba class yesterday. I figured I can rock out the club why not, why? because I am a fat disgusting whale slob. I could not keep up, nor keep my eyes off the ridiculous whale attempting to make the moves with her belly flapping around. I could hear the people's voices calling me a fat bitch, saying I could never get through it, saying I was just a new years resolutioner, and thinking to themselves WHAT THE CHUCK is she doing. I tried to stay, stick it out, I lasted for 30 minutes of an hour long class. but with as many times as I stopped, tried to get the moves down to catch up, I worked out a total of 20 minutes. I felt like a fat whale lozer. I cried so so so hard. Sure I will show up to the gym again, but I wont be stepping into that class again anytime soon. Not until I start to love myself even just a tiny bit.
Time to stop lying to myself about how its gonna start tomorrow.
The following is a list of reasons I need to do this for myself.
1. EMBARRASMENT - I am embarrased to walk into these restaurants and get the same thing everytime. I am embarrased to be seen eating, so I eat in my car at lunch. I am embarrased to be seen in a bathing suit on the beach. I am embarrased to be seen in the gym, as I feel that everyone is staring at me thinking that I am going to just give up or that they will laugh at me thinking I can't do this. I am embarrased to go into a group fitness class as I know I would be the biggest one in there and just the thought of staring at myself while I attempt these moves, I look more like a whale then I thought I did. I am embarrased to be at my daughters cheerleading games as even if I had the thought to go to the concession stand just to get a drink, I feel as if people are laughing at me thinking that I am there to get food.
2. CLOTHES - I have always been a jeans n sneaker girl. I have bought heels and sandals for work, but my feet are so big and I am so big, I can't stand in them very long as my feet will start to hurt where I can't walk. Shirts. My arms are so horrible I can't wear sleeveless tops without looking like I have two big ass hams for arms, one for each arm. Plus I have these puffy fat pockets where my arms meet my torso. My Bras get all stuck in a flap of fat just making my flaps more visible and less easy to conceal. Pants. I wear a size 22. maybe getting to size 24. My top belly flap folds over while my bottom flap is squeezed into my pants. In order for me to dress nice, I have to order things online, which doesnt allow me to try things on. But then again I hate trying things on because I never think I look decent in anything.
3. LOVE - My love life has turned into me having sex with anyone I feel attracted to that gives me attention, just to have that small token feeling that someone wants me. But it always ends there. NO ONE ever stays to want more. No one ever calls to see if I am ok, its always because they want something from me. In fact I had been hookin up with this guy on and off for a year. I bought him a PS3 for christmas thinking he would see that I care for him and call me more. He hasnt called me since christmas. I could have used that $500 to pay for 5 sessions with a personal trainer. But thats the fat girl trying to buy her way to a man that will stick around.
I have an eating disorder. Food all these years have NEVER let me down. Sad right? I watched one night as my friend Becca was on the dance floor and EVERY GUY had their eye on her. Not saying that I want every guy's eye on me but I just felt like the token FAT girl. The SAME feeling I get whenever I am near her or any girl for that matter. BUT more for the fact that this past week everyother driver called me fat. So I was in the drivethru of the McDonalds and this guy is beeping behind me as if I am going too slow in the drive thru. He was screaming "OK Fatty, you will get your food soon" funny I was ordering a salad. I wanna be able to take GOOD pics, not ones where I wanna kill myself after lookin at them.
I tried a Zumba class yesterday. I figured I can rock out the club why not, why? because I am a fat disgusting whale slob. I could not keep up, nor keep my eyes off the ridiculous whale attempting to make the moves with her belly flapping around. I could hear the people's voices calling me a fat bitch, saying I could never get through it, saying I was just a new years resolutioner, and thinking to themselves WHAT THE CHUCK is she doing. I tried to stay, stick it out, I lasted for 30 minutes of an hour long class. but with as many times as I stopped, tried to get the moves down to catch up, I worked out a total of 20 minutes. I felt like a fat whale lozer. I cried so so so hard. Sure I will show up to the gym again, but I wont be stepping into that class again anytime soon. Not until I start to love myself even just a tiny bit.
Time to stop lying to myself about how its gonna start tomorrow.
you just have to be positive w yourself if i didn't have a good day with eating i will workout 15 mins longer. i just tell myself yes i over did it with eating...... BUT i did workout for 45 mins you just have to stay POSITIVE yes you will have your off days but you will have your good days as well. I started writing everything that i eat down at first it was overwhelming to count calories. so i made the effort to just write what i ate down (i went to Barnes and noble and bought DIETMINDER its a journal that's AMAZING). now i also found this app (if you have an iPhone) that helps me find the calories in what i eat. i use fatsecret is my fav and livestrong works and foodscanner is great as well! you just need to keep going and find what works for you! now i also went to zumba and i felt the same way as you did but i looked around and saw people who were WAY OFF BEAT and i knew i wasn't the only one looking like a dork. once the class was over i talked to the instructor and found there was a beginners class called "gold" so give that a shot. i go to zumba 4xs a week i love it!! oh and something i found if i workout 3xs a week I'm less likely to stay with that routine that gives room for failure because i will say oh not today i will tomorrow but tomorrow will never happen. so i go Monday-Friday at 7:00 everyday you need to keep the same time and day