80 By 30: A Weight Loss Journey

[Hawthorne]

Day 1

Hello there! My name’s Hawthorne and I’m the new kid in town I suppose. I wrote this all out and it’s kind of turned into a manifesto. I’m not the most succinct person and I guess I felt the need to put down in writing where I came from to figure out where I’m going and how I’m going to get there. But I’ve put it in nice easy chunks in case you don’t feel like reading a wall of text. In fact it looks like this will need to be two posts since there's a 10,000 character limit and there were a few things I felt were still pertinent even after removing several large chunks of text. A few stats first, then on to the manifesto:

Current Goal
Age: 29 Age: 30
Height: 5’ 0.5” (153.6 cm) Height: 5’ 0.5” (153.6cm)
Weight: 190lb (86kg/13.5st) Weight: 110lb (50kg/7.8st)
Chest: 44.5” (113cm) Chest: 38” (96.5cm)
Waist: 39.5” (100cm) Waist: 27.5” (70cm)
Hips: 47.5” (120.5cm) Hips: 38” (96.5cm)

Spoiler: Obligatory Visit to the Department of Backstory

I’ve always been the Fat Kid, with a mother who also didn’t like her body too much. I didn’t understand as a kid why I wasn’t allowed to have candy as often as my neighbor, who was always very thin and ate junk food constantly, though I had some inclination that it had to do with my weight. I was bullied in elementary school for it, and the first diet I remember going on was when my mom enlisted me as her Weight Watchers buddy when I was 12. I’ve been on and off diets, exercise programs, and health kicks ever since. In high school I graduated from The Fat Kid to The Chunky Friend, and disliked being in the same full-body pictures as my other, slimmer friends. My first boyfriend’s mom even lent me her “pilates for weight loss” DVDs. That was an awkward property exchange after we broke up.

Spoiler: How I Got to This Particular Point

Even when I was much lighter than this, I had zero tone with the exception being the first, like, year I was in the military. Toward the end of said first year in the military, my life went to shit and so did my health. Around the same time everything started crumbling I lost my support system, as is the nature of the military, which led to binge eating, secret eating, comfort eating...all the eating. And it’s been an even steeper than usual uphill battle against the scale ever since. I’m hoping that making my journey public, in a place where I don’t actually know any of you, on a forum specifically dedicated to weight loss, will help keep me on track this time.

Spoiler: But Why Now?

Short answer: getting older is terrifying.
Long answer: Tomorrow is my 29th birthday, and I want to go into my 30s healthier and happier than I went into my 20s. Like I said I’ve been struggling with my weight for my entire life, but my 20s have been particularly difficult; 19 saw me trying to lose weight fast so a recruiter would even talk to me, 20 saw me struggling to keep off those 20lbs, by 21 I was well on my way past whatever weight I had lost two years before, and now I’m 50-60lbs up from my thinnest and have been for...*checks watch* six or seven years. It feels an awful lot like I wasted my twenties trying to lose weight and hating my body anyway. If I can lose a pound and a half a week, I can get to my goal weight(ish) by my 30th birthday and learn how to keep it off.

Spoiler: Hawthorne’s Theory Of Aging

Aging is a Gelatinous Cube at the bottom of a steep incline.

For those not in the know, Gelatinous Cubes are D&D creatures that are exactly what they sound like. If you’re engulfed by them you can’t breathe or move and you are basically slowly digested. The good news is that you don’t die right away: you have to make a strength check to get out again.

So in nerd terms, losing weight, gaining strength, getting fit, is like pumping up your strength and dex stats. So you’re at the top of the incline and the sooner you start running, the easier it’s going to be to get through that Gelatinous Cube. If you’re running as fast as you can and you’ve maxed out your stats before you’re in front of the cube, it’s going to be a hell of a lot easier to brute strength your way through said cube while taking as little damage as possible. If you don’t worry about it until you’re standing right in front of it, you’re gonna have a bad time.

Okay so it’s not a perfect metaphor. But the point is: getting older is mandatory. The earlier you get in shape and the more consistent you are over the years, the less likely it is your body is going to break down in ways that will limit your mobility and independence. Obviously I’m not going to crumble into dust the second I turn 30, but I’m a long-run sort of thinker (*cough*overthinker) and mobility and independence are my two major concerns about getting older. There’s a lot of conflicting information out there about diet, exercise, and aging, but the more I research the more it becomes apparent to me that the three are linked. The healthier your lifestyle, the more likely you are to live longer and avoid some of the suckier side effects of aging. So it’s better for me to start maxing those stats now, while I have more stamina, can recover more quickly, and can create a sustainable routine and dietary habit before lifestyle-related conditions can develop.

Spoiler: The Obstacles

1. Sugar-I’m hesitant to say that I have a sugar addiction because I feel like it minimizes addiction to narcotics, alcohol, gambling, etc. But my issues with sugar certainly behave in an addictive manner.
2. My Back-So I’ve had some back pain almost all my life, but all the running in the military appears to have made it worse and chronic. At 20 I was diagnosed with Grade 1 L-5 Anterior Spondylolisthesis with Pars Defect. Try saying that 10 times fast. Basically my L-5 vertebrae sits slightly forward and tilts down. This is what it looks like. What it feels like is a sharp pain in my low back whenever my foot strikes the ground and prevents me from doing any one thing (sitting, standing, walking, lying down) for too long. It also likes to conspire with/tweak up my psoas and piriformis to form spasms that make things even worse. I’ve got physical therapy exercises and get massages when I can, but high-impact exercise like running and jumping more than once or twice a week is pretty much out of the question.
3. My Palate-To my credit (or rather, to my husband’s), I eat way more vegetables now than before I got married. I’m even a bigger fan of squash than he is! But with a few exceptions like tomatoes and avocados, I still mostly eat vegetables because I know I should rather than because I want to; I’ve got the palate of a six-year-old. I’m more adventurous about vegetables than I used to be, but it’s still something that gets in the way of making healthier life choices.
4. My Schedule-Currently I’m doing grad school online full time, working part time in the afternoons, and once restrictions lift I’ll be back to spending my mornings at two separate volunteer jobs. Gotta get that work experience! I know that scheduling is a big excuse many people make, and that I have it better than most since I'm child-free. I don’t think it’s my schedule so much as creating a sustainable schedule. Mornings means getting up around 6 or so, and I’m not a morning person; evenings I’m often tired and/or need to do homework. This, I suppose, will be trial-and-error for me; I’m sure once I’ve created a sustainable routine things will get easier.
5. My Relationship With Food-This is the big one. The hardest one. My relationship with food has always been messed up; it’s both adversarial and comforting. For me there’s always been a reason to celebrate, or a reason to comfort, even if I’ve just had a bad day. Then, of course, I always wind up feeling worse about myself than when I started because I was weak and I feel like a fat slob with no self-control. That will lead to me trying to avoid food the next day, only to end up binging because I'm starving, cranky, and light-headed.

 

[Hawthorne]

Spoiler: The Benefits

1. The Obvious-Look better, feel better. I’ll be able to wear the clothes I’ve always wanted to, be able to try on clothes without crying in the car after. I’ll feel more worthy of my husband’s affections. IMPORTANT NOTE: My husband has never, ever made me feel less-than because of my weight. The idea of feeling worthy of his affection is entirely my own baggage from before I even met him. Years of societal conditioning, bullying, and all that. Back on track: I’ll feel more worthy of my husband’s affections, more comfortable in summer clothes. All the obvious stuff that comes with weight loss.
2. My Back-The less weight I have to carry, the less my back will complain. Simple, but it’ll make a huge difference in my mobility and quality of life.
3. Defeat The Gelatinous Cube-Retain independence and mobility as I age, do everything I can to avoid age-related conditions. Which also in the long run means saving money and being able to keep doing the things I want to do like traveling and hiking.
4. Super Tiny, Super Adorable-So I’m a very short woman, obviously. But due to my weight and tendency to be the “mom friend,” that shortness has always translated into me being...matronly, is I guess the correct word. Hobbit-like would be another good descriptor. But at my goal weight I would be adorable! Pocket-sized! Pixie-like! And some day, far in the future, my husband will let me get a dog; several big dog breeds I’ve researched get along well with cats--of which we have 3--and I enjoy the aesthetic of a tiny woman with an enormous dog.
5. Get Strong, Do More Things-I have a lot of things I want to learn. I’m big on learning. Some of those things include pole dancing, Krav Maga, aerial silks, and rock climbing. All of these things are likely to be easier to learn if I have a smaller profile and have already built strength and stamina. Stamina while hiking and camping, which I already do, will also improve and make the experience even more enjoyable.

Spoiler: The Plan

*What follows is entirely my own opinion based on research I've done. I pass absolutely no judgement over any other type of diet or lifestyle change; different things work for different bodies. My purpose here isn't to poke fun or make anyone else feel bad for their choices, but to explain the reasoning behind mine.

So what makes the most sense to me is to eat the way humans evolved to eat. I mean, obviously I can’t eat exactly like our pre-agricultural ancestors used to eat for a number of reasons (nomadic lifestyles and selective plant breeding, primarily), but getting the same general nutritional profile makes sense to me. Eat the way your body was designed to eat, and you’ll lose weight. One of my cats, for instance, had always been about 2-3 lbs overweight and always looked like he’d swallowed a bowling ball despite being on weight control dry food. When we switched him to a homemade recipe our vet gave us, he lost 2 lbs and his bowling ball in about two months after a lifetime of being overweight, because he was eating the way his body was designed to eat. The human body was not designed to eat an agriculture-based diet, but a much more diverse hunter-gatherer type diet. This means (in general) lots of veggies, moderate grains, little meat. This works well for my desire to swap to a mostly plant-based diet for health and as a reaction to the meat industry’s treatment of animals and contribution to global climate change.

An eating philosophy the narrator of In Defense of Food suggests really makes sense to me. It’s three simple rules: 1) Eat food 2) Not too much 3) Mostly vegetables. The other two are self-explanatory, but by “eat food” he means eat real food; y’know, that old advice to shop the edges of the grocery store. There are some things in the middle that aren’t horrible, obviously, like canned vegetables and fruits, canned tuna, or soup stocks and broths. But about 95% of your grocery cart should be full of the edges. Like an edge brownie. Mmmm brownies...

Spoiler: The Tools

So I’ve got two different sets of tools: One for diet, and one for exercise

Diet: To count calories and everything else, I’ll be using the Greater Goods Nutrition Facts Food Scale. Shit’s nifty, y’all. Use the app to get the USDA number of the food you’re weighing and it gives you the calories and macros.
Exercise: We’ve got a small home gym. It includes an elliptical machine we found at a yard sale, adjustable dumbbells from Target, doorway pull-up bar from Amazon, a yoga mat, and an adjustable weight bench I picked up at Play It Again Sports for about $70. I’ve also got a few resistance bands from physical therapy. I hope in the future to add a stability ball and ab roller. The room also has a TV hooked up to a console with both disc playing and streaming capability, so I can find yoga and pilates videos on YouTube, play games that get you moving (Just Dance comes to mind), and play the few home workout videos I've got. To count exercise calories I use the “calories burned calculator” from Scooby’s Workshop. From what I’ve seen around the web it looks like he himself is a bit of a controversial character, but I like that his calculator differentiates between calories used by exercise and calories used during exercise. I tried My Fitness Pal but one of the issues I had with it was that it tended to underestimate calorie intake and overestimate calorie expenditure.

I combine these with my homemade spreadsheet that tracks calories, macros, sleep, water, and exercise. So your basic calories-in-calories-out, but like...micromanaged. Because that’s how I do. The spreadsheet was heavily influenced by calorie counters like MFP, but again I always found that theirs underestimated calories from food and overestimated calories burned from exercise.

So I’m hoping to find support. Someone to vent with, someone with ideas whenever I’m struggling or get stuck. My husband is on his own weight loss journey alongside me, and while he’s always supportive he’s never had to struggle like I have. Until about 26 he was one of those people who was able to eat whatever he wanted without worrying about gaining weight, so he wants to lose what he’s put on since his metabolism slowed down. But he finds it as hard as I do to say “no” to cravings and sweets, though his vice is fast food where mine is dessert. So while we’re both going to try and hold each other accountable neither of us has stellar willpower, and I’m hoping I can find community here to help me learn that. I plan on attempting to keep this diary daily, but that will unfortunately have to wait until Monday since this weekend we’re going backpacking for my birthday and I won’t exactly have wifi out in the middle of the woods. But I wanted to get this started before my birthday so that I have no excuses. No more do-it-tomorrows. I'll be posting screenshots of my fitness calculator, and invite you all to call me out when you see me not living up to my potential and help me course-correct. I need an accountabilibuddy, or several!

I’m looking forward to meeting you guys and sharing my journey with you.

 

[Llama]

Hey Hawthorne and welcome!
Good to have you on board. Eating real food in moderate amounts sounds like a decent plan to me and while you and your husband may have different challenges I´m sure it´ll be helpful to be striving for the same goal. Best of luck

 

[Cate]

I'm glad you have chosen this forum & I'm also glad you have started a diary. I think it will help you, because I think it's very therapeutic & having excess weight may be because of lots of different reasons, but in my mind, it's mostly how we see ourselves. Our self-image. I'm going to cherry-pick a few things only as there is a lot to work with. I am hardly ever succinct either. My diary is the history of my previous 13 years
"Short answer: getting older is terrifying. " Now that is a little bit sad. Getting older is wonderful. Maybe at 29, I thought the same

and hating my body anyway

I think this is the nub of why most of us end up overweight. Working on building your self-esteem & learning to love your body & appreciating what it can do, instead of criticising it would be the best thing you could do for yourself. I can't go back to being 29 & changing how I used to feel about myself & my body, but you sure can.

My Relationship With Food-This is the big one. The hardest one. My relationship with food has always been messed up; it’s both adversarial and comforting. For me there’s always been a reason to celebrate, or a reason to comfort, even if I’ve just had a bad day. Then, of course, I always wind up feeling worse about myself than when I started because I was weak and I feel like a fat slob with no self-control. That will lead to me trying to avoid food the next day, only to end up binging because I'm starving, cranky, and light-headed.

Ok. How about coming up with your own eating plan that will be sustainable long-term. Instead of 'dieting" feed yourself nutritious food that will nourish this wonderful body of yours. Turn things around. Change the way you think about food. It's not good & bad. It's nutrition. Your body deserves to be looked after.
Re: your food plan. I agree with you. I like this saying- Don't eat anything your grandma wouldn't recognise as food. We should all be eating more sustainably.
Re: your exercise plan- it looks great. Remember though that what you consume is more important for weight-loss. No amount of exercise will fix an unhealthy 'diet'.
& lastly, have a great weekend &

Happy Birthday ​

 

[alligatorob]

Hey Hawthorne, good to see you started a diary. Even better with all the information, that is great!

The one detail I did not see is are you male or female. Not that it matters too much here, but it can help in understanding you and your plan.

And happy birthday!

 

[Hawthorne]

@Cate I don't think it's so much "getting older" as it is aging, and what waits at the end of getting older. I'm a long-term thinker, and I overthink, and oh btw have I mentioned being diagnosed with several anxiety disorders? lol So it's more the existential part of getting older. Indeed usually when I picture myself as "older," and what my ideal older self looks like, I get to my mid-30s, then skip straight to about 63 where I resemble some form of frizzy Pratchettarian woods witch. But that can only happen if, especially with my back, I start taking care of myself now. Mobility and independence as I age are super important to me, and looking at some of the people in my family with lifestyle-related injuries or diseases that lead or will lead to a loss of these things as a consequence...well...I always was good at learning from other peoples' mistakes.

My self-esteem is a constant work in progress. After many years I've finally separated myself from my body, so that's a good start because I'm a friggin delight! But I want my body to reflect this. I want to look the way I've always pictured myself looking instead of what I see in the mirror. I'm working on being grateful for what my body can do, but with my back jacked up as it is and hindering me at times that's a struggle.

RE: Diets-I'm pretty much off the diet train. I've tried so many diets, miracle products, programs, and health kicks over the years and none of them have been sustainable. I've been trying to focus on feeding my body what nourishes it, but in order to consistently do this I'm going to have to work on my relationship with food and change the way I think about it. For instance, even though intellectually I know that a life with only occasional ice cream or waffles is not inherently joyless, emotionally I struggle to overcome that sort of thinking. So that's going to be a part of this journey as well, is healing my relationship with food and viewing it as fuel. I don't exactly live to eat, but I definitely don't eat to live either; I fall somewhere between the two on the spectrum, but definitely closer to "live to eat." Food--especially sugary or rich food--is an emotional connection to family, to celebration, to happy times, and that's going to have to be something that I cherish as a memory but don't actively pursue.

RE: Exercise-I know that weight loss is about 70% what you eat, but I do want a more active lifestyle. There's a ton of things I want to do, sports and outdoors-wise, but right now my weight either inhibits that or makes me look silly. I also want to be strong. Not a weight lifter or bodybuilder or anything, but...y'know...strong. Fast would also be nice, but with my back I'm not counting on it. I can still try though!

@alligatorob I am in fact female! And a bit pear-shaped, so most of my fat sits in my thighs, butt, and tummy. Hope that helps!!

And thank you all for the birthday wishes.

 

[Hawthorne]

Days 2 and 3

So no food diary for yesterday and today, but judging by the labels on what we ate I would estimate probably...eh, 1500 calories or so per day? I know that isn't enough for the amount of activity, but we were packing light since we had about a mile and a half to hike in and had minimal in the way of food and cooking utensils.

But y'all. Y'ALL.

You know what I've always loved about me? I got endurance like a mofo.

GTFO with that Gimli! Never expect me to be fast. Imma try, but there's only so fast my stubby little legs can take me. But give me the right shoes, a walking stick, and a Camelback and I can go for days. This isn't new to me; I'm usually the one encouraging my husband to go "just a little further" on hikes and walks, but every time we face some sort of adversity I get proud of me. On our backpacking trip we were climbing over rocks, trailblazing uphill, and at one point forded a river by crossing over on a fallen tree. I almost fell in, but thank the gods for walking sticks because otherwise I would've face planted on a very sharp rock. But we were out hiking for about four hours (three if you take out the break for lunch), and almost as soon as we had started my cheap hiking boots that need replacing started rubbing my ankles raw. By the time we got back to camp it felt like I was walking on broken glass, with additional shards stabbing into my Achilles heels. But you know what? I. Kept. Going. Over rocks, up hills, through trees, over roots, through the pain, I kept going.

And don't even get me started on walking. I'm not great at running, but I can walk for miles. I'm the Forrest Gump of walking, you guys.

In the absence of much to report in the way of caloric input-output, I'm going to take this post to brag on myself because as you will likely see, I'm hard on myself. I compare my now-self to my peak-self, which isn't a fair comparison not the least of which is because of my spinal issues. My peak-self was 19, 135lb, and able to run a 13 minute mile-and-a-half at the end of Basic Training. But you wanna know the thing I'm proudest of from that peak-self, from BMT? Not only that I was able to cut my 1.5 mile time from 18:30 to 13:00 in eight weeks, but also that when I ran that 13:00 I was still last. And I'm proud of being last, because I almost wasn't. But there was a girl in my flight who was lagging behind me, who I knew could run faster than I could but she was tired and sore. I didn't slow down, but I yelled over my shoulder at her to come up and beat me because I knew she could. I didn't give up but I made sure she didn't either. BMT also included a week of faux deployment, which included an obstacle course (which I had the pleasure of doing twice, the second time for some sort of demonstration for visiting brass). That course ended in a big-ass hill that you have to pull yourself up on, on your elbows. It took literally screaming into the sand, but I did it without stopping both times. I'll be honest: the military wasn't for me. I was pretty miserable most of the time.

In short, I'm not the most athletic. I'm not the fastest or the strongest, I never have been. But I'm a hard-headed, stubborn little Energizer Bunny and I don't quit. I'll be honest, I'll probably come back and visit this post a number of times in the coming year to remind myself of what my body can do. Why I should show it gratitude. Other posts are likely to be hard on myself, or even despondent, when I fall short of my full potential because it's rare that I feel like this about myself and my body. So I'll need the reminder that when I want to do something I don't ever give up until it's done.

Scream. Cry. Puke. Die. Slow down. Modify. But don't. ever. quit.

 

[Cate]

That all sounds really, really good & made me smile. I jarred my right hand playing golf yesterday & it hurts to type, but I wanted to say- go you!!

 

[Llama]

Go you indeed! Although as much as I admire the fighting spirit of keeping going when you feel like you're walking on broken glass I hope you'll be kind enough to yourself to wear thicker socks or whatever you need to be comfortable on your next recreational hike. Also: Pratchett's witches are pretty badass at any age.

 

[Hawthorne]

@LaMaria I definitely honor my own limits. We're getting better shoes before next time because that was definitely the problem, so don't worry about that!! I love Pratchett's witches!! I haven't been able to read that series yet, but I've read the entire Tiffany Aching series and I just love his idea of what witches are and what magic is.

 

[IrishSeán]

Best of luck!

 

[Llama]

I haven't been able to read that series yet, but I've read the entire Tiffany Aching series and I just love his idea of what witches are and what magic is.

I pretty much love everything he wrote Except maybe for the last couple of books where you could tell it wasn't really his work anymore. My favorite of the older witches' books is probsbly either Maskerade or Witches Abroad but the Tiffany series was amazing as well. The witchfinder from the last part haunted my nightmares for a while though

I definitely honor my own limits. We're getting better shoes before next time because that was definitely the problem, so don't worry about that!!

I'm so glad to hear that. Sometimes it feels like this whole diet&fitness thing should feel like punishment to be effective and that's a complete and utter lie. Kindness lasts longer.

 

[Hawthorne]

Day 4

I think I've hit on a system here! I've always been terrible about keeping diaries of any sort, and I think it might be because I've always set it aside for the end of the day and by then I've forgotten. So I've been writing as I went today and I'll just delete out anything that isn't terribly important. Let's hope this method works for me! A note on today's weight: I feel like 3lb is a lot to gain over the course of two days, and between my swollen fingers and the likely high salt content of my meals over the weekend I suspect I'm retaining a lot of water. So I've been pounding water today and we'll see how the scale shakes out tomorrow. Speaking of scale, here's today's food diary:

I do want to stress that today isn't a typical day. Since violently yellow boil-in-the-bag mac n cheese isn't exactly a great birthday meal, today was a planned birthday dinner. To speak to the PB&J, I had a hankerin' last week and we've still got a couple days worth of bread left. I'm working to think of a more nutritious lunch plan, particularly since I tend to like a collection of snacks for lunch (like cheese and dried meats, or avocado, bacon, and tomato with a side of almonds). The brioche was also the last of a loaf Mr. H made last Thursday. In short, we definitely don't eat like this every day and we don't usually have this much bread in the house. Tomorrow is likely to be more typical in terms of the type of food I eat and calorie intake.

I am pretty proud of the amount of exercise I got today though! I mean, mowing was kind of a must (and it's there three times because we have an electric mower and the batteries don't last very long; there'll be a bit more mowing to be done tomorrow). But I'm kinda bad about forming a weight lifting routine so there's step one, day one, for fixing that issue. For anyone curious, today was shoulders and back. Shoulders: Palms-in shoulder press, lateral raise, bent-over rear deltoid raise, rear deltoid circle; 5lbs, 3 sets of 15-12-10 reps each. Rear delt circles I had to reduce to 2.5lbs. Back: Wide row, neeling one-arm row, stiff-legged deadlift, twisting bend to opposite foot; 5lbs, 3 sets of 15-12-10 reps each. I took the back exercises niiiice and sloooowww. I've failed to mention that almost all of my major joints are pretty effed up: my back likes to refer pain to my knees, hips, and feet; a clumsy childhood has left my and wrists in pain, though it's not chronic or severe and my wrists mostly hurt when it rains; and a car wreck when I was four has left my neck not-right ever since. A doctor (granted a military doctor, but still a doctor) diagnosed me with "congenital extra laxity" in my shoulders and hips. So I know that strengthening my shoulders and back ought to help with the pain, but since these are two of my weakest areas (I have a lot of weak areas) we're gonna start low on the weights and listen when they start to complain; mostly I'm concerned about my back. If I wake up with my back in a lot of pain tomorrow, next week we'll reduce to 2.5lbs and see how that does. I'll go to just body weight if I have to, but I don't want to have to.

I noted around 1:45, two hours after lunch, that I was feeling mildly queasy. That turned into famished around 4:30, and at 5 I had the brioche for a bit of fuel for the afternoon bout of mowing. Weirdly, noticed mild queasiness had returned around 6:30, and I notice it now too. Although that could be due to the mini sundae. I'm finding my body doesn't handle greasy foods and high amounts of sugar like it used to. It makes me sad, but at least it's a motivator...? I'm not sure what's causing the mild nausea (and it is mild, I don't feel like puking or anything but it's definitely uncomfortable and distracting), but I guess this diary will be a good way of keeping track of it.

I'm going to try to keep up this level of water intake or higher. I've got a 24 ounce cup that I like to use, and I'm currently working on refill #5. I've noticed that I drink less while I'm working--only one cup between 12:30 and 5, versus the three between 8 and 11:45--so I'm going to have to be more mindful of that.

Can't really think of what else to add from here. Because this was a planned "special" day I don't have any particularly strong feelings about how I ate today, except maybe a bit of nausea-induced regret. Any suggestions as to what to add to these daily posts would be appreciated. Unfortunately it's getting late and I've still got some homework I'd like to finish so I think I need to sign off here.

 

[Llama]

With laxity issues maximum strength is not as important as coordination - and paying attention to perfect form is crucial when you do work with heavier weights. So sayeth the physical therapist.

 

[Cate]

I'm finding my body doesn't handle greasy foods and high amounts of sugar like it used to. It makes me sad,

That should make you happy
So sayeth the nag

 

[Hawthorne]

@LaMaria I'm careful about form, but I don't plan on doing heavier weights with my problem areas any time soon!

@Cate I know it should make me happy lol But I'm still working on that part of my brain that goes "sugar=happy times" and working on moderating my cravings instead of powering through the consequences.

 

[Llama]

I love it when people are sensible and take good care of themselves

 

[Hawthorne]

Day 5

Alrighty we're gonna make this quick because I want to do daily diary entries but we're moving in the wrong direction again, sleep-wise. I did most all of my "get up and move" stuff in the afternoon. I pushed a wee bit too hard yesterday on ankles that weren't healed over from hiking and woke up with some pretty raw blisters, but I just had so friggin much to do yesterday. Water intake is lower, but I'm attributing that to a lower activity level. I've noticed the Mysterious Quease is back, along with some hearburn around 4pm that went away once I took an antacid. I've been thinking about it, and the situation is familiar: I was at the nurse's office almost every afternoon in elementary school with an upset stomach. I've come to recognize that as an early symptom of my anxiety disorder. So it's possible because I don't really like my job, am doing grad school, have been socially isolated for three months, and with the state of the country and climate change I'm just stressed all. the. time. that maybe, just maybe, this is the source of my quease. I'm going to start trying to meditate--when I have time--and maybe it'll go away.

Might I just say, I felt very attacked every time Chidi opened his mouth.

Or possibly it's all related to the oncoming period? We'll take a look and see how I feel a week from now. I also noticed that because I did all of my activity in the afternoon my back hurt more from sitting all day, but that's no surprise.

Food time!


I still felt hungry after a 510 calorie lunch, probably because it was mostly bread and therefore empty carbs. We've only got a day of sandwich bread left (I think) and a game plan for veggie-based whole-grain goodness for lunches after that, so I should start finding it easier to fill up. A note on that ice cream sandwich: My husband went to the store unsupervised, and as previously mentioned we both have shit for willpower.

Again. Attacked.

I think I'll talk to him (in the morning because if you can't tell I'm pounding this out as fast as I can at 12:30 am after spending the day working on homework, then working on homework in between work calls, then finishing mowing and taking half an hour to play with my new archery set before working on homework some more) about maybe we go to the store together from here on out. I know, with the pandemic you're only supposed to send one person out...but we're both super good at self-sabotage.

Also that water intake is currently at 72-ish oz, but I didn't realize until I took that screenshot and don't feel like updating. And I just chugged the last few sips to make sure it was 72oz.

Homework is due on Sundays at midnight, and I'm taking three classes, so I try to get one class done per day between Monday and Wednesday, which means tomorrow is my last class for the week. Hopefully that means I can sleep some time soon! And also start engaging with other parts of the forum and become an actual part of the community instead of just screaming my calorie count into the void. @LaMaria and @Cate you da real MVPs!

Night! :-*

 

[Llama]

Your diary is sure entertaining to read. I'd be hungry after a 500 calorie lunch as well, especially if it had negligible protein, fat, and fiber. Archery sounds like great fun - are you new at it? And if I may be so curious: what kind of classes do you take?

 

[Hawthorne]

@LaMaria I'm glad it's entertaining! It's what I try for, even if it's slightly manic and sleep-deprived lol I actually find that with the right foods 500 calories feels alright to me. It's just that a PB&J and trail mix isn't the right food. We're gonna make a veggie quinoa salad with tzatziki today and hopefully that'll fill me up. Archery is a lot of fun! My city's parks and rec department hosts a veteran's archery clinic every spring and fall. I took it last fall, but obviously the spring one was cancelled. So I bought myself a bow for my birthday and my dad got me a target and arrows that just came in yesterday and I'm hoping to practice at least every other day if not every day. I need to install some sights though first; I discovered yesterday that my bow pulls way far right. That might be because it's left-handed or because of the arrow rest, I'm not sure.

As for classes...I'm working on my Masters in Library and Information Science, with a self-directed focus in archival studies and digitization. So this semester's classes are Vocabulary Design, Beginning Categorization and Classification, and Colloquium in Contemporary Issues: XML. Cat&Class is so far the most interesting, but that's not saying much. XML is probably the most useful, but unfortunately he's one of those professors that's like "clearly my class is the only one you're taking this semester and you don't have work, families, and lives, so here's 100+ pages to read and at least an hour and a half of lecture every week." So it's difficult to really engage with the material beyond just getting the weekly assignment done. But hey, so long as I get that piece of paper that says I've got my MLIS that's what matters.

I've found that OJT at my two (temporarily suspended) volunteer jobs have generally been more useful, though I am pulling out bits and pieces of information that may be useful in the future, especially at the archive. At the museum I was working on a digitization project and was supposed to be the lead on an archival project as a paid internship this summer. The project is on hold until whenever, but unfortunately it's starting to look like it might not be paid since the museum just barely avoided being shut down altogether for budget reasons and has had its hours and staff positions cut. The work I'm doing at the archive is my real passion though. The previous director accepted literally anything so long as it was old (my favorite piece of trash: a half-used book of Camel matches from 1992), so under the new director we're inventorying, finding paperwork and accession numbers for items that can be found (which isn't many), weeding through what we can trash and what we can give back or give to other institutions and doing the paperwork that goes along with that, physically reorganizing the collections, then de-accessioning and re-accessioning everything in Past Perfect. If I get my druthers we'll also digitize the whole collection and put it in a publicly searchable database online. But before that, we start the process all over again with the archives in the basement! Which I can't wait to get to (if I haven't moved by then) because it's physically painful for me to look at the state of the archives. But this sort of pulling everything out, weeding through it, and putting it back tidily then digitizing it is exactly what I want to do with my career so I've been really grooving on it. Before the virus we had just finished inventorying the big main room in the vault and were about to move on to the two smaller ones. Messier, more difficult to inventory because there was also some exhibit stuff stored back there, but those are the rooms I'm most eager to get tidied up. I'm really hoping once my degree is done, or at least mostly done, I'll be able to be hired on as a full time archival assistant. The archive is severely under-funded though, so I'm not banking on it. =\ When we finally reopen I'm going to mention to the director (who's currently the only full-time staff, with I think 2 or 3 part-time staff and a bunch of volunteers) that if he's ever got a job opening I'm his girl.

So yeah. Hands-on experience is definitely more useful here, but even an entry-level archival assistant position needs an MLIS. I had enough left on my GI Bill that I'll only wind up paying maybe $7K for the whole thing (vs over $20k without the GI Bill), which at the intervals at which I'll have to pay tuition we're fortunate enough my husband makes enough at his student assistanceship that we can afford to pay out of pocket. So here I am. Fall semester will be IT Tools and Applications, Advanced IT Tools and Applications: XML, and Applied Research Methods: History Research. They unfortunately didn't offer the Archiving class this semester for Applied Research Methods, but my BA is in History so it's still something I'm interested in. So hopefully those classes will be more interesting. I'll go in with an open mind and we'll see. Either way, thanks to the GI Bill I've saved about $95,600 in student loans, so that's been nice. I wasn't really cut out for the military, and was miserable almost the whole time, but I definitely got what I came for!