Marsia's Diary

Thanks you guys! We did find some nice exercise that K likes - we played tennis yesterday and picked up a wet suit. I think we'll bring a big floaty thing to the beach next time, too. They are really fun to play on and you can lay on them and get warm in the sun while playing in the ocean. We also have a stand up paddle board that we should take out soon. It weighs a ton, so I don't take it out much, but it's loads of fun once you get the thing in the water.

I am down to within 3 pounds of low weight again. I am not focusing on weight now though, because I just have to get back to IF and low carb and incorporating exercise most days. I think the weight loss will follow eventually, but for now, slimming down feels very wonderful!
 
That sounds great. All of it!
 
Slimming down is way more important than what the scales say & only 3 lbs away from your low weight are nothing anyway. I love the sound of your Summer fun :)
 
Thanks everyone! We had a lot of music classes for K yesterday and then there was an improv troupe at our house, so we went and coded graphics in JavaScript at a cafe. K was hooked and only when the cafe was kicking us out would she be persuaded to pack up and go home. So we have a nice thing to replace video games this summer that is constructive - not that she does a lot of video games, but I really would rather she did something creative instead. I am catching up on cooking. With the low carb diet, almost everything we eat is made from scratch, so I need to slowly replenish the fridge after eating everything before vacation. Made a big Thai-inspired curry pumpkin stew with string beans and pork shoulder and lots of garlic, galanga, and fresh turmeric.

I did well with IF and staying low carb yesterday and am 1/4 pound less today. Thanks for the encouragement about paying attention to slimming down instead of the #s Cate. I feel that way, too, but the encouragement helps, too!
 
So we have a nice thing to replace video games this summer that is constructive - not that she does a lot of video games, but I really would rather she did something creative instead.
Not every minute of every day needs to be productive. And video games can be such immersive vehicles of wonder - not to mention something to bond with peers over. So while I can see you don´t want her to spend too much time behind a screen they really aren´t all bad!
 
Does J help with cooking? I wish I had learned more of the practical stuff when I was a kid. My Mum cooked, sewed, knitted, repaired stuff & was super handy. She just did it all & ran the family store. I'm sure trying to teach us the practical stuff would have been too much with 5 kids. I can see your daughter becoming as resourceful as her mother. She seems lovely & you also seem to have a great relationship.
 
Hi LaMa, I mistyped. I do allow my daughter to do video games, but she will fill up her spare time with them if I let her, so it's good to have creative projects for her for when I have to cook and clean and have some down time for myself in the summer. I do a couple of video games, too, during breaks in the day and have to watch that I don't do too much.

Hi Cate, J started making his own eggs and protein shakes for body building just recently. It was a scary process - caught him with the lid off the high speed blender stirring with a fork, and he ruined one fry pan, but has the hang of things now. I think it is part of him trying to be nicer to me, so I don't mind the kitchen being harder to clean from him attempting cooking. He also didn't get practical skills growing up - 4 kids and parents who didn't speak much English and didn't teach their kids Tagalog because back then people thought it would slow kids down to learn 2 languages (it does at first, but then they catch up and are multilingual - J loves languages, so he would have preferred that I am sure.)

I had a weird day yesterday. J took my daughter to get her hair bleached and dyed turquoise after music camp, and it took hours and hours that I spent mindlessly waiting. I hadn't planned anything for the afternoon, and was still tired out from vacation, so took it easy and puttered around the house and watched a Netflix series on a woman who goes back in time and becomes a healer in Ireland 200 years ago - I love people who love plants. I am finding it hard to adjust to the cool foggy summer here after Hawaii, plus I am bored and restless and want to be taking art classes or doing something intellectually stimulating. Even the patents I am working on are mechanically focused and don't require me to use my brain to figure out. So I overate and didn't stick to IF, but today is a new day and I took K to music camp and am at a cafe figuring out JavaScript graphics so my brain gets a workout. I do want to start learning to drum again, too - it requires muscle memory and not thinking and reminds me of figuring out how to meditate.

I also joined an online group of caregivers of dementia/Alzheimers. The weird thing is that the mood changes that people describe in their posts and lack of logical capabilities and inability to find the right words to express themselves have been lifelong problems for my mom, so it's hard to see where her basic personality and normal abilities end, and her new impairments begin. I did read a great Buddhist article on dealing with difficult people - basically imagining being them and seeing the world as they do and seeing how hard things would be if you were them. That helped a ton, because if I were a person with a hair-trigger temper and very little tolerance for change because I was not good at figuring out new situations, having my body and mind fall apart while still having enough insight to know that was happening would be horrible. But still reading how bad things can get with dementia really worries me and makes me feel restless and trapped. I am going to buy a book called The 36 Hour Day about how to get medical help and learn more about dementia because frankly I am pretty freaked out about it all. Sorry this is so long - I really needed to vent!
 
Hi LaMa, I mistyped. I do allow my daughter to do video games, but she will fill up her spare time with them if I let her, so it's good to have creative projects for her for when I have to cook and clean and have some down time for myself in the summer. I do a couple of video games, too, during breaks in the day and have to watch that I don't do too much.

Hi Cate, J started making his own eggs and protein shakes for body building just recently. It was a scary process - caught him with the lid off the high speed blender stirring with a fork, and he ruined one fry pan, but has the hang of things now. I think it is part of him trying to be nicer to me, so I don't mind the kitchen being harder to clean from him attempting cooking. He also didn't get practical skills growing up - 4 kids and parents who didn't speak much English and didn't teach their kids Tagalog because back then people thought it would slow kids down to learn 2 languages (it does at first, but then they catch up and are multilingual - J loves languages, so he would have preferred that I am sure.)

I had a weird day yesterday. J took my daughter to get her hair bleached and dyed turquoise after music camp, and it took hours and hours that I spent mindlessly waiting. I hadn't planned anything for the afternoon, and was still tired out from vacation, so took it easy and puttered around the house and watched a Netflix series on a woman who goes back in time and becomes a healer in Ireland 200 years ago - I love people who love plants. I am finding it hard to adjust to the cool foggy summer here after Hawaii, plus I am bored and restless and want to be taking art classes or doing something intellectually stimulating. Even the patents I am working on are mechanically focused and don't require me to use my brain to figure out. So I overate and didn't stick to IF, but today is a new day and I took K to music camp and am at a cafe figuring out JavaScript graphics so my brain gets a workout. I do want to start learning to drum again, too - it requires muscle memory and not thinking and reminds me of figuring out how to meditate.

I also joined an online group of caregivers of dementia/Alzheimers. The weird thing is that the mood changes that people describe in their posts and lack of logical capabilities and inability to find the right words to express themselves have been lifelong problems for my mom, so it's hard to see where her basic personality and normal abilities end, and her new impairments begin. I did read a great Buddhist article on dealing with difficult people - basically imagining being them and seeing the world as they do and seeing how hard things would be if you were them. That helped a ton, because if I were a person with a hair-trigger temper and very little tolerance for change because I was not good at figuring out new situations, having my body and mind fall apart while still having enough insight to know that was happening would be horrible. But still reading how bad things can get with dementia really worries me and makes me feel restless and trapped. I am going to buy a book called The 36 Hour Day about how to get medical help and learn more about dementia because frankly I am pretty freaked out about it all. Sorry this is so long - I really needed to vent!
Video games are great if I ever have free time. If I'm feeling bored and hungry just sitting in my room late at night, video games really help with distracting me from hunger and keeps my brain thinking while playing. I find it not only fun, but a tool I can use to my advantage at night with nothing to do.
 
Vent away, it´s your diary! Mental hygiene is important.
I also joined an online group of caregivers of dementia/Alzheimers. The weird thing is that the mood changes that people describe in their posts and lack of logical capabilities and inability to find the right words to express themselves have been lifelong problems for my mom, so it's hard to see where her basic personality and normal abilities end, and her new impairments begin.
Right now, does it matter which is which? Maybe coping strategies for Alzheimer´s could help with both?
 
I think you are an incredibly good person, Marsia. I honestly don't know how you do so well. I couldn't have looked after my mother when she developed dementia & she was not temperamental. Finding support to help you cope with her sounds like a high priority to me & doing stuff that makes you happy as well. Coping with ordinary life is extra tough after a vacation. I'm just settling down now & we have been back a month today.
I'm glad that J is really trying to do better & be more considerate. Wow re the blender & fork :eek:
:grouphug:
 
Thanks so much you guys! I don't feel like an incredibly good person because I really don't feel up to the challenge and keep hoping for a way out, but thank you Cate - it does mean a lot to hear that! I feel dread at talking to my mom in general, waiting for her to be mean, but we took her for a (what was to her a long) walk yesterday and she did well and was pleasant. After how alternatingly horrible and gleeful she was on vacation, I am braced for the worst, which is burning me out. Then the alternative is me happily expecting her to be her happy self, and getting completely taken by surprise again for the 10,000th time when she is nasty. I can't seem to find a balance of either open and trusting or closed and fearful. I think this is why I have social anxiety - I don't know how to do the middle at all. I also worry about how my mom is treating my daughter. She likes to poke and tickle, especially if she knows you hate it, and she has started to do this with my daughter, who, after the vacation really doesn't want to bother with my mom anymore. And my mom in her happy mood has no clue how much people dread being around her. She takes no responsibility for her actions, and that is so draining. I really see your point LaMa that reading up on dementia would be so helpful because my mom has the same symptoms whether it is about dementia or just being her clueless self socially.

I was so happy at the cafe yesterday - I figured out code that really confused me and really worked out my brain. And when I was done the code worked ever after that - not like most things I do where there are just never ending chores where you can't tell I have even cleaned or weeded or pruned. I like things where you can see that what you are doing makes a difference. Being a mom is the best thing like that. I really really need to do my art, which is also like that. My daughter wants the rest of the summer after music camp to be about doing arts and crafts. I am thinking of starting by learning to mosaic things for the garden - I have a bunch of interesting tile and broken ceramics saved up.

smith454, I like how you use video games in a positive way. I am planning to learn to make animations and very simple video games with my daughter this summer, and combine the creativity of figuring out how to win a game with how to design and build one.
 
Saying you are a good person was just stating a fact, hon. There is no challenge or expectation there. I could not do what you are doing for one week. Is there another way with your Mum? Everything is so different there to here. Is going into care an option at all? Mum went into a lovely home locally & I could visit her as often as I liked, take her out if I liked & it was a great alternative. Your Mum would drive me bananas. I really don't know how you stay sane!
I am so glad that you have such a lovely daughter who loves doing the things that you do. Your Summer sounds very promising & rewarding. Sending you a big hug :grouphug:
 
Thanks so much Cate for the really nice compliment! You are such a supportive, great friend!!!

I feel like I don't have an alternative to taking care of my mom - assisted living is about $4,000 a month - not remotely affordable. When we get so we need a nurse, they are $22/hr. so we can probably hire one for a couple of hours a day if needed. That's great you could have assisted living for you mom. Sounds really nice! I get worried because at times in my life I reach a breaking point where I just have to stop doing something I can't take anymore, and with taking care of my mom there isn't an alternative I can think of, so I really hope I don't get to the breaking point. I really need to manage my stress so I don't reach that point.

It's great having such a good relationship with my daughter. We are at her performance at the end of summer band camp. They make videos of the songs they created and performed with footage they shot during the week. The melody K came up with is really catchy and good - should be a really fun video!

The weather should be getting less foggy and cold, so hopefully we have a beach week coming up. Thanks also Cate for bringing up that it's also hard for you to adjust after vacation. I have been feeling like I am hitting a midlife crisis where I feel stuck in the same routine and vacation was so amazing it reminded me of my adventures before having to settle down. I don't like being settled down at all and need to sort this out. I think part of being grouchy at J is that he views being settled down as a nice thing, and I didn't know he would be this way, and it really shocks me. If I were in charge of the budget, we would sell the house, pay off our debts, move to a cottage somewhere affordable, and travel all over. Maybe some day...
 
If I were in charge of the budget, we would sell the house, pay off our debts, move to a cottage somewhere affordable, and travel all over.
Right now being in a house with your mom and kid is probably a very sensible idea but I understand that too much "sensible" can feel a bit oppressive at times. But if you make sure to stay healthy you´ll have plenty of time to travel!
 
Good point, LaMa - I should use the experience my mom is going through to remember that health is really paramount. And I know I couldn't really just sell everything and downsize yet, I just didn't expect to do the whole stay home and care for everyone thing so darn long. I think if I can also remember to make time to take care of myself it will help and I won't feel so stuck. The therapy appointment got pushed back a month because of an eye appointment for my mom and no availability of the therapist, but I really want help with not getting drawn in the the mile long to-do list and doing things for myself instead. It is this huge taboo I have of not having everything else done before I do stuff for me. It's irrational, I know, but I really have trouble with it none the less.
 
Oh, hon- $4,000 is SO expensive. Mum had a good pension which paid for her care as I would not have been able to pay for it either. It is so important that you do the things that make you happy. I know that you know that. You really don't want to reach breaking point. Your health is as important as anybody's. Sending you another hug :grouphug:
 
It is this huge taboo I have of not having everything else done before I do stuff for me. It's irrational, I know, but I really have trouble with it none the less.
Maybe it´s something you can build up to? Doing a tiny thing for yourself, no matter what´s going on (I dunno: listening to a favorite song without doing anything else at the same time, going for a walk around the block, sitting down to meditate) just to get used to the feeling?
 
...I am thinking of starting by learning to mosaic things for the garden - I have a bunch of interesting tile and broken ceramics saved up.
That sounds great! A garden table? Or a seat? I've done some of this for the local park, in a group, and loved it, but since then life's been too busy to think of doing more at home.
... It is this huge taboo I have of not having everything else done before I do stuff for me.
It's a real bugbear, and very much a woman thing - not exclusively, but often. I've also seen it in people working in "caring" professions - people feeling they can't stop to care for themselves because there's so much need out there - and it can lead to burnout and general unhappiness. So here's to you giving yourself the same care and importance you give to those around you! :beerchug:
 
Wow, thanks everyone! I really like the idea of just trying little things (but I have to do it consistently because I do meditate for brief periods then forget all about it for weeks.) I think my problem is that the chores I have to do are my least favorite things to do, so I worry I won't do them at all if I go do nice things first. I loved living in a 400 square foot mobile home because it took an hour and a half to clean the entire thing top to bottom and when you were done it was deeply satisfying. Now an hour and a half cleaning doesn't even scratch the surface of what needs to be done. But I am getting this feeling of dread about most of my chores and about taking care of my mom, so something has to change. I think I may have cornered myself into facing this finally.

Aiminglow, I really appreciate what you wrote - I was in the helping professions and really fit that personality type. It's so easy to forget about myself. There's this deep need to feel like I make a difference in the world, and without that I feel meaningless. But really we can't tell what thing we do is ultimately going to do the most good. It could be something little we didn't even acknowledge as important really. And I do need to start enjoying my life more. My kid is going to graduate in a few years and I want to have things I do for myself in place so I still have a nice life when she leaves to live her own life. Right now my social life centers around meeting up with other families who are friends with my kid, and when my daughter leaves, I won't have a social circle anymore. That's sort of shocking to realize.

We are going sketching in a little fishing town on the coast today, so have to go get a picnic lunch packed up.
 
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