Here I go again...

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LaMaria said:
Do you know "obese to beast" on YouTube? I can never remember what the guy is called but he lost a ton of weight and he has made several videos about his loose skin and why he doesn´t get surgery. Having seen enough doctors for one lifetime is a fine reason in my book.
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Nice! I'll check it out.
 
Emilyrose said:
Why worry about something that might never happen? Keep focused on what you DO want and keep feeding your body that mental picture. Your body will know what to do. It always does.
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Thanks! Couldn't agree more.

Sorry I was kind of a downer today. Work was total shit, ex-girlfriend is getting me all wound up again, holidays are rough...

But I'm just where I need to be calorie and activity wise. I took my first cooking class, and got a lot out of it. I was uncomfortable on their tiny stools, thinking it's a crime a home cooking class is uncomfortable for fat people. But I learned how to carve my own filet mignon steaks out of Tenderloin, and was given the proper tool for the job. Filet mignon is a big part of my on-plan diet, so this is an important step in making my food part of my life. If you have a food obsession, may as well become a chef and a foodie, making great "diet" food you actually want to eat.

I hope to be less grumpy tomorrow.

DrBee, signing off at 388.2.
 
:D I hate cooking so much! No, that's not true; I hate having to spend time on it. But home cooked food is definitely a key factor in becoming/staying healthy so well done going out there to get what you need.
About the ex: does she have anything you need urgently or do you have anything she needs urgently? If not it may be helpful to tell her you need no-contact time for a couple of months. And subsequently ignore any and all attempts at communication. You don't owe anyone your time (unless you're under a legally binding contract, you know, work and stuff, where you get money for your time).
 
LaMaria said:
:D I hate cooking so much! No, that's not true; I hate having to spend time on it. But home cooked food is definitely a key factor in becoming/staying healthy so well done going out there to get what you need.
About the ex: does she have anything you need urgently or do you have anything she needs urgently? If not it may be helpful to tell her you need no-contact time for a couple of months. And subsequently ignore any and all attempts at communication. You don't owe anyone your time (unless you're under a legally binding contract, you know, work and stuff, where you get money for your time).
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I've learned to enjoy cooking as a new format of entertainment. Last night I spent about an hour and a half making a great dinner, and then enjoyed it. It's the new leisure. When I do go all out, I make food for four, and then take the leftovers to work for lunch (avoiding the dreaded fast food), or eat them on nights I'm working and ain't nobody got time for that shit.

The Ex-Girlfriend... oh god... what a saga...

Protecting the names of the innocent here (of which there are none), "Sadie" is a girl I met while I was working down south. I was basically engaged when I met her, and she was married. My fiancee was hiding vicodin in the car and living on the couch, while Sadie's man was a drug peddler with major issues. Sadie and I met at work, and it was a little like Jim and Pam on the Office. I dropped my fiancee like a hot rock, and Sadie rushed into my arms, but then struggled a lot with waffling back and forth ("The Vampire is so charming and worldly, but this Werewolf is so raw, and I owe him, what am I to do...").

After a torrid affair for a year, and a lot of ups and downs, I had to take a job up north, which Sadie both applauded and resented. Good job, made sense so I could be closer to my son, but Sadie made it clear she felt abandoNed.

This time last year, Sadie promised herself to me, and left her husband. She moved out, we were "together", but it all fell apart in April after her husband completely fell apart and, well, he died. Sadie and I carry a lot of guilt over this, but it was his choice.

After that, Sadie disappeared. POOF. She emerged last month or so messaging me very softly, subtly; took her a month to finally call. She was keeping get it all on the DL, which I assumed was her being depressed.

SURPRISE! She had moved in with some appalling redneck tosser in May because she "couldn't deal", "wanted something different", and I guess didn't want me to be a rebound.

Phone call was a gut-wrenching two hours of listening to what a mistake she had made (she had), and would I take her back (I would). We agreed there was a lot to discuss, and parted ways. Over the next two days I messaged her that I still loved her (I do), but she's a hot mess who has to get stable with counseling. But when she does, come get your man.

Hadn't heard anything else until this week until she messaged me, said she needed a friendly voice, and that KnuckleFucker The Pig was moving to a different state. Hasn't actually confirmed she's broken up. Still no other word.

So Sadie is diabetic, but very slim and drop dead gorgeous (for now). Part of the appeal is we both need to eat healthy, and I always hoped we could do it together. She's also by far and away the best sex partner I've ever had, so there's that. We light the bed on fire.

But she's also fucking crazy, needs help, and that makes some kind of man gene I have activate, and I match her psychopathy with my own surreal attachment to her. She's fairly submissive sometimes, which I like (aggressive, psychotic, legitimately mentally ill women who dominate me has been an issue), so I loved that. We just work together.

But we dont, do we? Because she keeps doing crazy, crazy shit, and I still would cry with joy if she came running back to me.

I dread that harshly whispered truth of my inner King: I dread that I'm fat, and she's the only woman who'd have me. So I take it.

No more, my friends, no more. Sadie may or may not become more of a part of my life (she'll always be a part), but... now I'm here.

All bets are off.

DrBee, signing off at 387.2
 
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That sounds... like a lot of drama to me. I don't like it when folks call others crazy (first because it blurs the line between mental illness and general unacceptable behavior by nasty people and second because it's so unspecific) but it does sound unhealthy to me. Whether you think that will go away or is something you will be able to deal with is up to you, of course but I think you're right in stating your boundaries and defending them.

Apart from that: there is never only one person who's able to love us. Romantic drama likes to pretend otherwise but it's full of crap. Also: make sure you keep buckets of water or sand ready if you're going to light the bed on fire or you'll end up burned. Drama is very effective fuel and can be addictive for that very reason but... it's hard to control.
 
Everything LaMa said. Whole thing sounds like a hot mess. Have you seen anyone since her? Sometimes the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else (advice that has literally, literally never worked for me apart from when I met my future husband). Also ditched my ex (via voicemail, I'm a terrible human) and shacked up with someone I'd never met in person the next week. Love makes ya a bit squiffy. Be careful with yourself - sounds like you're in a good place, near your son, good job - is she worth the risk just because the sex is good? She sounds like massive headfuck.
 
Putting Sadie on hold, there have been several major misunderstandings at my place of work. Over the course of the past 5 months, I asked two girls out, and admitted to the mother of one of my employees I thought her daughter was attractive (but wouldn't act on it). Well I guess someone balked, because HR hit me today with an hour of questions about it all. I haven't done anything wrong (I was actually a sexual harassment whistle-blower at previous job), but I now basically feel like the seediest, saddest sexual predator who ever lived.

Obviously I will never chat up any one at work again. And I know I should be above suspicion, so I'm mad at myself. But I said to the guy, "there's nothing I've said or done I wouldn't show to my own mother."

But yeah. Suspended without pay. Until investigation clears in January, at which I will probably get a warning and/or lose my job. I was leaving this place anyway (it's terrible), I have something else lined up already, but the fact that some body finds me skeevy enough to go to HR makes me want to crawl in the ocean and die. I'm an embarrassment of a man.

And you know what? It's my obesity that makes me so awkward and lonely. And inappropriate at times, if I'm going to own it. So the learning right now, the teachable moment.... "So much learning, Jerry!", I think George Costanza would shout.

The temptation to drink booze and overeat... obviously the first thing I thought about. So I'm going to be very, very fragile over the next few days and weeks. At Christmas, no less.

2016, I hate you. And I hate that I'm so lonely and awkwardly fat. Ugh. Oy. Ugh.

Grant me strength to be a righteous person.
 
Mom checked in on me lol. Surfing the couch, but so far I'm taking this in stride. We were talking about how hypocritical this is. I've seen dirty things at my company, the usual stuff where government and industry touch: kickbacks, affairs, etc.

But it is what it is. Clearly this place and I aren't a fit, and boy will I keep work and life separate in the future. I just feel so... slimy. And sad.

But I'm feeling. I'm here. And that's a win in an otherwise awful day. Perhaps the most important win, because usually I've polished off a six pack and a pizza by now under something like this.

Making some coffee.
 
I am sorry to hear all that, Dr Bee. Asking out someone who works with you, then accepting "no" as the answer and never mentioning it again is not harassment. With underlings it´s more complex, of course, but... If your firm wasn´t trying to get rid of you anyway nothing will normally come of this. So use this free time for good. You´re the one paying for it, after all.

And you know what? It's my obesity that makes me so awkward and lonely. And inappropriate at times, if I'm going to own it. So the learning right now, the teachable moment.... "So much learning, Jerry!", I think George Costanza would shout.[/QUOTE]

Is obesity the cause? Or the result? It´s a great big web out here, and there are resources for people who feel awkward in social interactions, are afraid they may come across as creepy and want to learn. You´re young and intelligent and you´ve got some time on your hands which you don´t want to use for eating. Well done not turning to greasy food, by the way.
 
So part of the issue is I asked one individual, and got a very ambiguous answer. I asked again about a month later, slightly different wording, something like "if you haven't gone on many dates, it might be fun to go on one". Nothing like "Wow, you're sexy, come over later". That time I got a maybe, a real, "let's do that soon". Asked a month later again after waiting, and got the "let's be friends" at which point I walked. Each time I was quite respectful, if very corny because that's who I am.

So you get a hard cop question: "Did you make multiple advances, asking for dates and such, after not receiving a yes?" Truthfully, yes. But not like a John Waters character or anything. But then I'm riddled with doubt: maybe I am a pervy fuck? Why else would I be here? Bottom line: I never want to even question what side of the line I'm on. Obviously I've pissed someone off, regardless of my intentions.

The other issue, LaMaria, I've always said about myself, "head smart, heart stupid". I'm told I'm a pretty smart guy, and I am, but I've been overweight since I was 6. 32 years now. 32 years I've been catching heat for being fat. I am so horribly desperate for any sort of approval and human contact, that it makes me really, really weird. I sometimes don't see other basic boundaries that others do. Not that I'm autistic; I'm really good with subtle body language, diplomacy type stuff. But the big, raw emotions like love, anger, sadness, friendship and respect, danger; those go sailing over my head. I miss cues, jump to wrong conclusions.

Obesity and my psychological makeup are inherently intertwined. I think that's why it's so hard to stay on a path of real weight loss. For me, it's unearthing all my demons just to build a Martian colony. I have no idea where to go, what to do.

But today, of all days: I am under my calorie budget. And that is fucking impressive.

DrBee

Tomorrow is a new day.
 
That sucks. It really does. Getting mistreated by our peers at a young age is one of the most damaging things around (new research on has been published recently). Do you have a possibility to work on this with a counsellor? If your company is working in good faith then a simple apology (something like "I am sorry I creeped people out, I was obviously tone deaf and I am starting to work on this with professional help) is probably going to be helpful. One tip to start you off: anything other than a spontaneous, enthusiastic "yes" is a no. Most women are taught, in one way or another, they're responsible for men's feelings from very early on. Saying no might hurt the guy and it'll be your fault he's sad. Say whut?! Yeah, but that's the message we get. Add to that a culture in which violence against women is common, in which rejection is often the spark that sets off violent behavior and in which men are more likely to be believed than women and a blunt "no" can be close to impossible. So you say "maybe" and assume they'll get it. And from now on, you will. Best of luck, buddy.
 
Wow, sounds like shit is changing pretty rapidly for you at the moment.. the whole work thing sounds like a mess - sorry :(

In other news: YOU HAVE TWO CATS. I demand names and adorable facts about them.

I have two deaf, white brothers called Luca-Marie and The Judge. They enjoy waking me up at 5am and shitting in my shoes.
 
LaMaria said:
That sucks. It really does. Getting mistreated by our peers at a young age is one of the most damaging things around (new research on has been published recently). Do you have a possibility to work on this with a counsellor?
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LOL! My counselor used to be on speed dial. I saw "Jon" for 8 years weekly, and he saved my life. I wouldn't have the tools I have now if it weren't for him. I think my work with him is why I got my shit together just before Thanksgiving and why I haven't lost it yet. Sadly, Jon passed some years ago. No one else has come close.

It's occurred to me that I need to come in for a tuneup. But I think I know what's up: I was too desperate and clingy. Because I'm so fucking desperate for human contact. So don't mix work up with a place where that's possible.

The super embarrassing thing is you're soooo right about saying maybe, and patriarchal culture. I've written about it, lectured about it. Intellectually, I know it. It's extra weak ass when it's right under my nose and I'm perpetrating it and I was tone deaf, as you say. Noted on your rule, and I like it: maybe is no. That's that.

But nothing here calls for termination, I can say objectively, though I suspect it's coming for other, political reasons I won't go into. And... that's a relief. Last week I was thinking to myself, "if I got let go, it would be welcome relief before starting new job in Feb." So there you go. If I was to fight it, I would demand a timeline of the complaints and inquire why there were no verbal or written warnings, as per HR policy. But for what? After some nasty fighting, come in everyday and be an embarrassment? I'd hit 400 pounds in no time! No. I'm ready to move on from this dark chapter.

Let's build the Martian Colony. Travel through the vast, dark space of losing 200 pounds only to land on the most foreign soil I've ever encountered: a healthy me.

DrBee, signing off at 386.2
 
I'm glad you're seeing this as a learning opportunity and don't get angrily defensive. It sucks, but you're going to come out healthier and wiser. In this job or elsewhere. Congrats on losing another pound!
 
Sunflower_ said:
Wow, sounds like shit is changing pretty rapidly for you at the moment.. the whole work thing sounds like a mess - sorry :(

In other news: YOU HAVE TWO CATS. I demand names and adorable facts about them.

I have two deaf, white brothers called Luca-Marie and The Judge. They enjoy waking me up at 5am and shitting in my shoes.
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Father Seamus O'Cattery I adopted in the Midwest. He's a big boy, grey and black stripes, front declawed. He has some major social issues, which I think because his original family wasn't nice to him. For the first year he bit me a lot. Now he's more of a cuddled, and my bunting champ, those headbutts that cats affectionately do.

Tom Hagan is my little red cat who I also adopted out west. Tom was a stray who literally walked up to my house and announced himself as my new cat. I fed him dry food outside and the neighbor just started laughing, "he's yo cat now!" Tom was named for the redheaded Irish kid Don Corleone adopted in the Godfather ("Sonny found him in an alley coming home one day", explained Michael). Seamus's name is because I adopted him on St. Patrick's Day.

Seamus enjoys pawing at the Toilet paper until it's all unrolled, and vomiting generally. Tom insists on sitting right in front of my face if I'm watching TV.

I'm actually thinking about adopting a dog after all this blows over.
 
:iagree: with everything LaMa said in her last 2 posts. You will get through this DB. Well done on losing a pound & not stuffing your face.
 
I resigned. I don't want the hassle or knowing all my friends are getting the anal probe like I did into my conduct. Mission to Mars is go.
 
I understand that but it's a shame as well. If you take away what only you know for a fact (that you meant no harm) it's a story of a company Doing The Right Thing:
- Person A feels uncomfortable at work because person B doesn't respect the boundaries they think they've stated clearly.
- They mention this to C, who turns out to have had an experience that might turn into the same thing.
- Could this be a pattern and might B have gone further in other cases? Let's inform HR just to be on the safe side.
- HR listens to them (yay!) and decides to talk to B.
- B confirms the facts as we know them so far but doesn't seem to see anything wrong. Is he oblivious or lying? Let's send him home for a while so his presence doesn't intimidate anyone while we get to the bottom of this. He's a big guy with some authority after all.

That is how it might have gone and that is exactly what should happen when someone feels creeped out by a co-worker. And while I would hate to be in your shoes right now I would love to know I work for people who'll have my back when I feel threatened.
 
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