Zenith wants to live a full life, but not in that way

[Zenith2]

I had a lightbulb moment last night. Usually I let my lightbulb moments fizzle because, historically speaking, they've never lead anywhere. Today I've decided to cater to my lightbulb moment.

I'm young, only 19. A first-year college undergrad possibly majoring in psychology and minoring in music. I live a good life; I have amazing friends, two good families, I'm involved in a club on campus, I get straight A's. For the past couple of years I've been twenty pounds puffier than I should be, but after a recent desperate crash diet and stress from a relationship that went to shit after three and a half months, that twenty pounds has become thirty in a short month and a half (technically it's 27.8, which is much too close for my liking).

I've never been a particularly hard-working person. I'm great at pulling together last-minute papers or crashing the night before a final and acing it. The things I enjoy doing--reading, partying, doing stupid college things, video gaming, watching TV and movies, sitting online and listening to music, etc.--involve little if any physical activity. On top of it, I like eating unhealthily. I enjoy the feeling of filling myself up to the brim. I crave fatty and sugary things. I've never been good at acting on what I need versus what I want, and if I want a $7.95 steak burrito, I'm going to get it. (Another problem is the quality of food in the dining commons--the "healthy" food they serve generally tastes like it's been sitting out for days or has had the life boiled out of it).

There are things I can do, though. I can sure as hell do the whole "eat-when-hungry-stop-when-full" thing. I can swap a piece of fruit or a salad for that one unhealthy food item that I don't want as much as the other unhealthy food items. When I'm bored out of my mind I can take a walk.

Baby steps for now, right? Counting calories has gotten me nowhere (I always rebel against that kind of structure). There's no way that by the end of the school year in mid-June I'll have lost enough pounds to look decent in a bikini, but I can make a good dent working towards it. Once I'm home for the summer I'm considering getting back into Dance Dance Revolution, the only form of exercise I've ever enjoyed (in middle and high school I was addicted for quite some time). Until then, baby steps.

I'm living now, but I want to live. You know how it is.

So here are my figures and such.

Current weight: 157.8 lbs.
Short-term goal weight (June): 145 lbs.
Long-term goal weight: 130 lbs.

 

[yarmiah]

Baby steps is a good start! Little realistic changes you can live with are easier and become routine. Swapping healthy foods for unhealthy ones is great! As far as exercise, try parking further away in the parking lot, or take the stairs instead of elevator. Do little things like that and start building on from there- it will pay off!

 

[Zenith2]

Rough start, anyone?

[Disclaimer: This entry can be pretty snarky and a lot of things may sound insensitive or judgmental. It's a self-deprecating, slightly cynical rant. If that's not your thing, pass on by. I'll have normal entries later.]

In theory, this whole choosing to eat healthy foods plan is flawless. In practice, I never seem to do it. I am slightly better than I've been for the past few weeks, though? (When I say slightly better I mean in miniscule, probably negligible amounts.)

Maybe if I had no friends or hated myself or was generally incompetent at doing things I'd have more motivation (not saying that this is the case for people with motivation to be healthier--it's just that, for me, I need an extra slap in the face to get moving). Perhaps it's a terrible thing to suggest, but whatever. I'm not really caring that I went on a chocolate binge right before having a fairly large and fattening lunch. I should care, but I don't know how to. I'd like to lose weight so I can be a healthier person, have more energy, be able to go to the beach, etc. But those reasons haven't spurned me to action in the past, and they aren't now. Thing is, I don't want things to keep going the way they are now so that at some point I do end up hating myself and losing friends and ignoring school and giving up current hobbies, yada yada, ad nauseum (another note: I am in no way saying that this is what happens to anyone of any size--I'm just saying that if I gain more weight, more than likely it will happen to me). Plus, given my mom's side's very substantial history of heart problems, I should be thinking about living past 70. Seriously. So, motivation and discipline, where do I find you?

I've had many a drunken episode where I've tried harassing my friends into forcing me to eat healthier, and they've given it a lukewarm attempt. I think the fact that they eat just as badly as I do, except in smaller portions, doesn't help. I end up (lightheartedly) snapping at them for (also lightheartedly) scolding me for getting dessert or whatever anyway.

There's no point in asking my family for help. I don't want their help and I spend most of the year at my school anyway.

For the record, I refuse to post pictures of scantily-clad women at a normal weight on my closet door, recite mantras when I wake up first thing in the morning, or tape my weight-loss goals to my TV screen in flamboyant handwriting. I know these war tactics work for some people, but I just look at them or do them and think, "Really?" Then, once I screw up, I end up taking them down/stop doing them/forgetting to do them in shame. Oh, and I've tried self-help books, too; I couldn't stomach them.

Final options include hiring somebody to hover over my shoulder and force-feed me healthy food or replacing my incessant snacking with pot-smoking and sleeping around.

I know, I know--somebody needs an attitude change, right? Fuuuuuuuck. Well, c'est la vie.

I am going to dinner in a few hours. I will not stuff myself; I will stop eating when I am full; I will chew on ice and daydream if need be. There; met my motivational quota for the week.

yarmiah: Thank you for the tips. Unfortunately, my car is parked about 25 minutes walking-distance away from my dorm anyway, so I only walk there if I have to drive somewhere. Since all of my classes I can get to by walking, I get in at least a couple of hours of brisk walking five days a week just by rushing to and back from class. There are a lot of stairs involved, too, and I rarely take the elevator to get to my dorm room. I could definitely do more, though (and of course, as soon as I come home, my time spent walking is significantly less ). My main problem is eating, and I'm definitely not doing so well in that area yet, hehe.

 

[yarmiah]

where I've tried harassing my friends into forcing me to eat healthier

You already know that changes have to come from within. You cant expect or think that someone else can make you do anything. That's not to say being surrounded by folks who will support you will certainly help, but ultimately this is your journey to take.

You seem to be a bright girl. If weightloss were easy, everyone would be thin. I think you need to come to terms with yourself- what you want, why you want it, and what you are willing to do in order to get it. Don't view weightloss as a diet- diets are temporary. You need a lifestyle change, but one you can live with, one you can incorporate into your living now. Permanent weightloss takes time. Be patient with yourself.

know, I know--somebody needs an attitude change, right?

While its normal to be down, depressed upset . . you have to get out of your funk. Positive changes won't happen when you in that kind of mood. Just 2 weeks ago, I was fruestrated because I worked my butt off, ate right but stepped on the scale and had gained! I got mad, but I did something about it- I got on my ski machine and worked out for 45min. Not only did I get the beneficial exercise, it does help with stress relief. I certainly hope you can learn to have confidence in yourself and continue to make little changes that will add up to lots of positive things in your life!

Good Luck!