Xorie's Fresh Start

xorie

xorie

New member
Well, I must say, I've strayed from the fold, and now I've learned my lesson. With the help of this forum, I managed to get myself down to 186. 186!!! I was practically happy at that stage! And now...I'm 19 and I first started on this website when I was 16...and

well...

I climbed back up to 236....have gotten back down to 229, but still, that's 43lbs that I've gained back...oh my gosh... 43lbs... I never did the math before... I didn't realize that it was that much. I've let myself down, and I just can't seem to get my skinny friends to understand that I have the hardest time turning down food, and they are constantly offering it to me.

So, I've decided to stop hiding, and am going to make a huge effort to get back in the game. The way I see it is, I've got so much going on in my life now, (college, 3 jobs, volunteering, church, voice coaching) that I might as well use it to get me on track. If I'm so busy doing everything else, maybe I will be too busy to eat all the time. (lots of food, not just little metabolism booster snacks)

anyway, I figured that I would start over, give myself a fresh start. Maybe with the support that i get here that I lack at home I will be able to get my act together.

Wish me luck!

p.s. The good news is though that my psoriasis is clearing up all on its own! Yay! :)
 
ok, so today, i decided that if i'm going to restart my weight loss/lifestyle change, I might as well do the whole thing. I'm currently cleaning my house. Just finished my two fish tanks, and now am starting on my room... which is currently classified as a disaster area. Maybe with a clean room and a clean start I can get somewhere mentally.
 
wow... I just watched a video of me back in junior year. (two years ago)... man, i was pretty! And somewhat skinny too! It just gives me more incentive to get back in shape... and then maybe I'll be able to ride rainy again.. currently I'm too heavy for my beautiful dainty Arabian.

Anyway, trying to behave myself and walk more. At the college, I purposefully park almost half a mile away from my classes (8 mins walking) so that I have to walk, and not be lazy. Plus, I'm using a friends driveway and don't have to pay 30 bucks for a single quarter parking permit. :)
 
Well, I got the biggest reality check today. Friends who aren't overweight, really couldn't care less about the fact that I want to change my life. I got a call from a friend tonight, and I mentioned that I was watching the biggest loser... Which made me think about how I want to get my life back...

and she completely tuned out....

i didn't realize that having her not care would hurt me this much, but I'm honestly hurting over the fact that she doesn't seem to want to try and see my dilemma. I just want someone who really understands and will go the entire way with me, but the only friend that I could do that with moved to Idaho... now I'm stuck by myself with friends who don't weigh more than a feather, and it's very frustrating to me that I seem to be standing alone in a crowded room.

And to top it off, I can't seem to find the motivation to do my college homework, or to get off of my butt and work out, because I keep giving myself excuses as to why I'm so tired. I work almost all the time, and when I'm not, I don't want to do anything else, so what do I do? I sit around and watch tv, get mad at myself for not going out for a run, and then eat, get mad about that, eat some more and just start the whole damn cycle all over again. And the most frustrating part about it all is that I can see it all happening, I know that I'm doing it, and I do absolutely nothing about it. Am I the only one who this happens to?

I want to change, I really really do, but I can't do it alone...
 
made it through the two exams today. so far so good. And i behaved myself at breakfast. The first time doing so in a long time.
 
hey Xorie, dont stress about what your friends want. Just because they arnt interested in diets or weight loss doesnt mean they arnt your friend. Sometimes some things just dont interest us at all, even if its important to a good friend, and faking it isnt always the easyest option.
My best friend goes on and on and on about whatever bullocks housework shes done that day every time i see her, and it means a lot to her (dull ... boring ...."and then i cleaned behind the fridge and moved the kettle ... oh and guess what! i decided i could put this pot plant over in the lounge and it makes it much nicer!" ...). It doesnt however make me not her friend, it just means we are different and have different interests. Im sure she goes a bit glassy eyed when i talk about weight loss too lol. But the thing is we've known each other 16 years, and we are still friends even though we dont always agree or have the same interests.

To be fair, we dont have a lot in common at all :)
 
wishes said:
hey Xorie, dont stress about what your friends want. Just because they arnt interested in diets or weight loss doesnt mean they arnt your friend. Sometimes some things just dont interest us at all, even if its important to a good friend, and faking it isnt always the easyest option.
My best friend goes on and on and on about whatever bullocks housework shes done that day every time i see her, and it means a lot to her (dull ... boring ...."and then i cleaned behind the fridge and moved the kettle ... oh and guess what! i decided i could put this pot plant over in the lounge and it makes it much nicer!" ...). It doesnt however make me not her friend, it just means we are different and have different interests. Im sure she goes a bit glassy eyed when i talk about weight loss too lol. But the thing is we've known each other 16 years, and we are still friends even though we dont always agree or have the same interests.

To be fair, we dont have a lot in common at all :)
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It isn't that I think she isn't my friend, its just I wish the one time I try to unload a little bit of my frustration, she'd at least try to listen. I listen to her all the time about her problems, and just once I'd like to be able to spew a little bit of mine to her, but eh, oh well, life goes on, and she's my best friend and I love her. :)

anyway, worked hard today, behaved myself, and feel good. I got to ride, but my pony (16.2 hh quarter horse) was a little on the lame side, so we just walked for a little, then I got off and iced her leg. She should be fine by friday.

Hope everyone had a good Wednesday.
 
xorie said:
It isn't that I think she isn't my friend, its just I wish the one time I try to unload a little bit of my frustration, she'd at least try to listen. I listen to her all the time about her problems, and just once I'd like to be able to spew a little bit of mine to her, but eh, oh well, life goes on, and she's my best friend and I love her. :)
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Did ya say that to her at the time? Maybe ya should have. I have to tell my husband that. Often i just want to have a rant, and hes busy trying to correct me or fix it or point something out and i gotta tell him 'dude im just having a rant, just listen nod and forget!' hehe
 
It's finally friday! Yay!


I'm home cleaning my house because the home appraiser is coming, and I'm the only one who is home to clean before she comes... yippee... lol. Am sorta behaving myself, but not really. It is frustrating that I see myself eating all this crap, and too much of it, and know that it's wrong, and yet I still do it anyway.

Anyone have a cure for this? I just can't seem to find the will power to stop. Ugh. Will be good for lunch, I promise. I'll just take it one meal at a time. baby steps, and eventually I hope that I'll learn to run.
 
so last night (or should I say this morning) I get a call from a friend. The woman who runs the rescue I work at (who is 76 by the way) fell down and broke her femur bone around 11:00pm. She had to undergo surgery where they put a metal rod in her leg. Any prayers and good thoughts sent her way would be greatly appreciated. Her name is Vel.

Other than that, I'm doing better but not great, but again, I think I'll get there.

Oh, and I'm going to see the Lion King. WOOT!
 
1. The Lion king was amazing.

2. I have friends who make me cry. = not cool. I've been running myself ragged over trying to help at the rescue I work at because the lady in charge broke her leg. Now, I've been giving hours and hours of my time, and they keep asking for more. And when I say no, *poof* it's "Thanks Jacqui, what a friend you are, now I have to work for two hours (giving a riding lesson) on my day off." ....

...Well, at least you HAVE a day off. I work 7 days a week, go to college, go to church, go to vocal lessons, piano lessons, do chores, run errands, and a whole mess of other things too. Soooorrry if I dont want to do something else. I'm already stressed cause I've got badish grades in my classes... and ....just... UGH!!! I can't stand it when Serena (the friend who is the only who gets paid to work at the rescue) bitches and moans about having no time, and always having to work, when she gets there at 9:00 does NOT clean any stall (since we put a call out for more help in the morning two weeks ago) Leaves at noon, and doesn't come back until 4:30.... F*** that. And, when I try to tell her this, she gets mad because I say I have a life outside of volunteering. When I try to pull back on the amount of time I'm spending there, BAM guilt trip, and stupid me falls for it everytime.

....


...

whew... I needed to get that out. I know my parents won't listen to me, and I've only got a few friends, who don't really seem to appreciate all that I do... and it's starting to really piss me off.

Thanks for listening! *rolls eyes*

Anyway, other than that, I've been so stressed out lately that I've only lost a pound in three weeks. And the fact that I have ZERO time to exercise is killing me too...

expletive! expletive! expletive!
 
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