Hi,
I hope this is not misusing this space but I feel I need to get some of these thoughts out.
I am eating myself to death. It is just a matter of time. After being someone who has been successful losing lots of weight (almost 100lbs!) I find all my very hard work slipping away as I fail time and time again to get back to doing what I know I should. This is not a recent thing. I haven't been able to hold it together for almost a year and especially since the last holidays. I find issues from my past have cropped up and have affected me strongly. Nothing devastating...I wasn't raped or beaten or abused but never the less what my parents went through and especially my dads relationship with me still gives me stress. It was something just never really talked about. My brother and I had counseling but that lady betrayed my trust and I have never really felt comfortable in counseling since. My mom and dad have a terrible relationship and confiding in either one of them would spur lots of crap talking about the other. It was a very tough place for a kid to be and now it is 19 years later and that crap still gets to me.
I was dismayed today when a situation got stressful and I reverted to behaviors I haven't done since I was a child. I hide. I went as far as to cover my ears to shut out the stressful situation and I just couldn't deal with it. I behaved badly and childishly but I couldn't bring myself to do what I knew I should. Later on tonight I ate a dinner that would have been fit for at least 3 people.
I eat when I am stressed. I eat to dull the pain. I eat when there is nothing to do. I have read a lot of literature and have been around the forums. I know what I need to do and I know what has been successful for me.
My husband tells me that the way he would deal with what I call my "dad issues" is to realize that it was in the past and that I am who I am now and just need to move on from there.
I feel stuck in my past. I feel lost in my present. I don't know who I am any more than you all know me. I feel like my whole life I have been avoiding my issues. Maybe things from the past should be left alone but how do I figure out who I am? How do I figure out my place in the world? I have a good job, a wonderful family, a good life.... and yet I am torn up inside. I can't interact with people as much anymore and even the friends that I have I don't see as often as I should and I never feel comfortable outside my house.
I have fallen into the recent bad habit (or maybe not so recent) of comparing myself to others. It is a bad habit. I know I am not other people but watching how other people live and mimicking them has been a bit of a habit. Nothing hollywood-style but take my best friend for example. We have been friends for 25 of my 30 years. She has a beautiful family and lovely home and has been married for over a decade. I have always looked up to her. I think I got married a bit prematurely just because I wanted what she had.... that marriage ended of course.
I enjoy her company. I could lose myself with her and ignore my problems and just be crazy. She is good that way. She is a bit crazy herself! lol However things have gotten tense between us.... getting better now but there is a point where I just can't be someone I am not. As much fun as I had and as much as I enjoy letting go I have obligations and a husband now and doing the things I used to do just doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like me. It was just another way to hide from my issues.
Can things from my past really dictate who I am? I have no idea how to just move past them as my husband suggests. I have no idea how to confront them. Talking to my parents really seems out of the question. Talking to a counselor seems like such a large expense and we are needing to watch our budget. I went to an OA meeting last week. I am going to another one later on tonight. I used their questionnaire on their website and almost all the questions I answered with a "yes" which apparently means I have a problem. My husband thinks it is "silly" because he knows that I can and have been so successful but I am desperate at this point to find something to help. Maybe it's just another way to bury my issues. I just don't know. I can't keep going on like this. I can push it down only so far and then when the stress builds (there are other stresses in my life of course) and then something happens and like the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back I find myself in a very bad place. I just shut down. It is affecting my family. My beautiful husband and son. This is not a good way to live and I am using food to cope. I am afraid I will eat myself to death...
I hope this is not misusing this space but I feel I need to get some of these thoughts out.
I am eating myself to death. It is just a matter of time. After being someone who has been successful losing lots of weight (almost 100lbs!) I find all my very hard work slipping away as I fail time and time again to get back to doing what I know I should. This is not a recent thing. I haven't been able to hold it together for almost a year and especially since the last holidays. I find issues from my past have cropped up and have affected me strongly. Nothing devastating...I wasn't raped or beaten or abused but never the less what my parents went through and especially my dads relationship with me still gives me stress. It was something just never really talked about. My brother and I had counseling but that lady betrayed my trust and I have never really felt comfortable in counseling since. My mom and dad have a terrible relationship and confiding in either one of them would spur lots of crap talking about the other. It was a very tough place for a kid to be and now it is 19 years later and that crap still gets to me.
I was dismayed today when a situation got stressful and I reverted to behaviors I haven't done since I was a child. I hide. I went as far as to cover my ears to shut out the stressful situation and I just couldn't deal with it. I behaved badly and childishly but I couldn't bring myself to do what I knew I should. Later on tonight I ate a dinner that would have been fit for at least 3 people.
I eat when I am stressed. I eat to dull the pain. I eat when there is nothing to do. I have read a lot of literature and have been around the forums. I know what I need to do and I know what has been successful for me.
My husband tells me that the way he would deal with what I call my "dad issues" is to realize that it was in the past and that I am who I am now and just need to move on from there.
I feel stuck in my past. I feel lost in my present. I don't know who I am any more than you all know me. I feel like my whole life I have been avoiding my issues. Maybe things from the past should be left alone but how do I figure out who I am? How do I figure out my place in the world? I have a good job, a wonderful family, a good life.... and yet I am torn up inside. I can't interact with people as much anymore and even the friends that I have I don't see as often as I should and I never feel comfortable outside my house.
I have fallen into the recent bad habit (or maybe not so recent) of comparing myself to others. It is a bad habit. I know I am not other people but watching how other people live and mimicking them has been a bit of a habit. Nothing hollywood-style but take my best friend for example. We have been friends for 25 of my 30 years. She has a beautiful family and lovely home and has been married for over a decade. I have always looked up to her. I think I got married a bit prematurely just because I wanted what she had.... that marriage ended of course.
I enjoy her company. I could lose myself with her and ignore my problems and just be crazy. She is good that way. She is a bit crazy herself! lol However things have gotten tense between us.... getting better now but there is a point where I just can't be someone I am not. As much fun as I had and as much as I enjoy letting go I have obligations and a husband now and doing the things I used to do just doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like me. It was just another way to hide from my issues.
Can things from my past really dictate who I am? I have no idea how to just move past them as my husband suggests. I have no idea how to confront them. Talking to my parents really seems out of the question. Talking to a counselor seems like such a large expense and we are needing to watch our budget. I went to an OA meeting last week. I am going to another one later on tonight. I used their questionnaire on their website and almost all the questions I answered with a "yes" which apparently means I have a problem. My husband thinks it is "silly" because he knows that I can and have been so successful but I am desperate at this point to find something to help. Maybe it's just another way to bury my issues. I just don't know. I can't keep going on like this. I can push it down only so far and then when the stress builds (there are other stresses in my life of course) and then something happens and like the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back I find myself in a very bad place. I just shut down. It is affecting my family. My beautiful husband and son. This is not a good way to live and I am using food to cope. I am afraid I will eat myself to death...
