unsupportive spouse?

-Devil-

-Devil-

New member
this is a recent problem i have started to run into. the more active i get, the more hateful my wife seems to be. from smaller things like throwing away foods that i have bought to make sure we have good stuff to eat. to larger things like backing out on her promise to go to the gym with me and now 'planning' family stuff on the nights i normally go to the gym and throwing a fit when i bring up the point that i already had plans for that night ...

just last night she finally threw a fit when i told her that me and the boy (15 yr old son) were going out to ride this morning ... and responded with a 'if ya'll are going to ride bikes in the morning, then i am going out to the bar that night to play pool and drink' ... wtf? ... how do those two things even compare? ...

10 years isn't a long time in a relationship, but i am almost at the point now that i would wrather be on my own to have the freedom to do what i want to, instead of having someone behind me trying to stab me in the back just because i have decided i want to get in shape and be healthy ... (was over 281 in jan, now i am 235 and toning up nicely)

there isn't really a point to this thread other then me complaining about how selfish some people can be...
 
Since i have the reputation of being a know-it-all :D and while you aren't specfically askign for comments -I will - because -well - that's me :D

Have you asked her how your getting a healthier lifestyle makes her feel?

What kind of shape is she in?
and is she concerned that yu're going to trade her in for a newer younger fitter prettier model? :D (you'd be amazed at the things some women can dream up :D
 
My overweight mother is jealous of weight loss. She does everything possible to hamper me. When I had my surgery that lead to me regaining all the weight I lost, I swear she brought over ice cream just so I would gain it back. Could be something like that.

My fiance, on the other hand, was not that supportive in the beginning. He didn't think I needed to try all that hard. He thought I spent way too much time "obsessing" over calories and working out. Now that he has seen that I HAVE to keep track of everything I do, he is much more supportive. Since re-starting just a few weeks ago, I have only lost 5 pounds but he tells me everyday that he is proud of me. He simply had to actually understand what I was going through. Maybe your wife doesn't understand that you still need all this exercise.

Just throwing some stuff out there!
 
maleficent said:
Since i have the reputation of being a know-it-all :D and while you aren't specfically askign for comments -I will - because -well - that's me :D

Have you asked her how your getting a healthier lifestyle makes her feel?

What kind of shape is she in?
and is she concerned that yu're going to trade her in for a newer younger fitter prettier model? :D (you'd be amazed at the things some women can dream up :D
Click to expand...

haha i shouldn't be suprized that you were the first to reply

she is out of shape as well but not as far as i was (she is about 180 and 5'7") ...

i have tried asking her how it makes her feel... but i don't really get an answer ...

i am sure there is something, small .. some signal somewhere that i am overlooking (like a typical guy) ... hah
 
madness said:
My overweight mother is jealous of weight loss. She does everything possible to hamper me. When I had my surgery that lead to me regaining all the weight I lost, I swear she brought over ice cream just so I would gain it back. Could be something like that.

My fiance, on the other hand, was not that supportive in the beginning. He didn't think I needed to try all that hard. He thought I spent way too much time "obsessing" over calories and working out. Now that he has seen that I HAVE to keep track of everything I do, he is much more supportive. Since re-starting just a few weeks ago, I have only lost 5 pounds but he tells me everyday that he is proud of me. He simply had to actually understand what I was going through. Maybe your wife doesn't understand that you still need all this exercise.

Just throwing some stuff out there!
Click to expand...

i can understand about the feeling of being hampered ... she does that with me, trying to offer me stuff that i dont eat anymore ... and buying extra of it to put in place of what she did throw out in the fridge that i wanted ...
 
has she said why she doesn't want to go to the gym with you?
Is she intimidated? doesn't know what to do? frustrated by not being able to do some things?

How does it make you feel when she doesn't go with you? have you told her that?

Your getting into shape is all about you and not really her but she might not see it that way...
 
maleficent said:
has she said why she doesn't want to go to the gym with you?
Is she intimidated? doesn't know what to do? frustrated by not being able to do some things?

How does it make you feel when she doesn't go with you? have you told her that?

Your getting into shape is all about you and not really her but she might not see it that way...
Click to expand...


what i got out of her when we were talking about the gym and why she doesnt want to go anymore ..

'when i said i would go i didnt realize it was going to be so much work, and it interrupts my day and doesn't let me relax' ... she may be intimidated i don't know that ... she knows what to do ... or at least i think so, i spent over 2 weeks just helping her learn how to use the equipment ... and telling her to go at her own pace and such ...

how it makes me feel? ... hurt, angry, upset, disappointed ... hurt is the main one ... to the point that when she threw a fit one time about it .. all i could do was shake ... and then cry .. then fight off the thoughts of killing myself ... heh if that explains it any ... as far as explaining it to her ... i tried ... but the words i use when compared to what she understands or wants to hear .. are two different things.
 
Two things really.
When you met your wife were you the 281lb man she fell for ? Maybe your changing and your turning into the man she didn't fall in love with. But what do I know about love.. ha ha.
Secondly..
Well done on the weight loss. I know how you feel keep going and you'll feel so much better at the end.
 
when we met i was barely 200 .. so i am not sure if that is the issue ... lol

weight loss is a hard road thats for sure .. physically and mentally
 
briefly read over this

seems like shes intimidated that youre looking better than u have in a while and is somewhere afraid that she may lose u to some other woman.

Just a thought. So tahts why shes being negative and saying shell go to bars and stuff.

Shed rather keep her "fat" husband close to her than her "fit" one farther
 
Dude, it sounds to me like you have some bigger problems then just your weight. Focus on your relationship and if that means that your weight loss journey takes a back shelf, then so be it.

I'm not saying throw in the towel, but your journey shouldn't come first. If she is resenting you exercising, scale back for her. Practice portion control, even if it means eating junk. Hopefully these steps towards resolution will help her see how you care for her, and hopefully she'll care for you back. Trying to force your changes on her will only force her to resent it, and therefor you.

Good luck. You will need it.
 
-Devil- said:
when we met i was barely 200 .. so i am not sure if that is the issue ... lol

weight loss is a hard road thats for sure .. physically and mentally
Click to expand...

Well... how did she look when you two met? If she was more lightweight, then chances are, she's feeling a little competetive/insecure about the fact that you are losing weight and she isn't. It's a lot harder for women to lose weight than men, in my opinion, for mental and physical reasons.

She might have been trying and it just didn't work for her, so now she's afraid that by you losing weight she a. might lose you and b. might feel less secure in the relationship.

My boyfriend and I have that problem a lot. When I'm super fit, we usually have less tiffs than when I'm a little chubbier... mostly because he's always fit and sometimes I get insecure about that, I don't know...

Just something to think about. I wouldn't leave her because of it, she's probably just insecure.
 
Trops said:
Dude, it sounds to me like you have some bigger problems then just your weight. Focus on your relationship and if that means that your weight loss journey takes a back shelf, then so be it.

I'm not saying throw in the towel, but your journey shouldn't come first. If she is resenting you exercising, scale back for her. Practice portion control, even if it means eating junk.
Click to expand...


Sorry i have to respectfully disagree here...if she cares for you she will want you in good health. If she wants you fat and unfit then she is not thinking abt your best interests. You should never have to give up your health for a relationship. What happens next time she is annoyed abt something? She will expect you to back down and do things her way...again!

IMO she prob feels left out, not happy abt going to the gym, and prob a tad jealous that you are so fit and healthy while she isnt. Maybe offer some sports that you could do together - like the cycling? Or something that she enjoys that you could be part of (swimming, dancing, whatever!) If she is unwilling to support you and compromise then you should maybe re-evaluate your relationships. And if she has you entertaining thoughts of suicide then that is def not supportive.

Just my thoughts on the matter but obviously i dont know all the details and stuff. I hope that you can get it all sorted out and reach a compromise that suits you both.
 
Weight loss and getting fit consumes a lot of people's times. It is very possible like people said that she might feel threatened by it, but also, her anger might be an attempt to get you to stay home and spend time with her. She's probably lonely, she probably feels like she isn't a priority for you anymore, and would probably like some quality time between just the two of you.

Try taking her out somewhere nice, then hit a hotel or something. Make her feel appreciated, and loved. See if that helps.
 
Tink, I hear what you are saying and it's one hundred percent correct. She SHOULD support him, and she SHOULD care for his health and everything that is good for him. Because she is acting like she doesn't care about those things makes us fell like she's the anchor dragging him away from that which is good. I agree with this.

I also think that there might be more to it then what we are seeing. I would not say, and didn't say, for Devil to give up on his goals. I think he should keep at it, but I also think that he should look at this 10 year relationship as a whole and not just at this moment.

He has suddenly made some drastic changes, which we feel are for the better, but she might be thinking that he's getting that itch to go elsewhere. It's normal that she should feel insecure at this moment. And just because she doesn't jump at his life change without trepidation is no reason to dump the last ten years.

Just because she is in the wrong doesn't make it right to ignore her feelings. She doesn't feel wrong. Or she might feel wrong, which might make her lash out that much more. A relationship should not be about who is right and who is wrong. It should be about being there to support your spouse even when you would rather support yourself. Be there for her when she's wrong and you she might not be so threatened by your life change.
 
I was thinking, maybe you should ask her if she wants to schedule time to work out or something, let her fit it into her schedule so that she can feel its time for her. Once she feels that its not a hinder, maybe you two will work a schedule, or even separate schedules, so that you can BOTH work out. Maybe show her the forum and let her realize that you're doing it to be healthier and that it makes you feel better. Try letting her know that she can start out with a few minutes of small exercise in the house and she'll realize it gives her more energy. Thats how it worked for me, I thought 'hmm I'll never have time to just sit and relax the day's stress off...' Then I started working out a little at a time and I had more energy and it got ride of my stress, too. Maybe she's just afraid to be warn out and not see any progress right away. Just a thought.
 
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