Transformer: Thin Girl in Disguise.

[fatgirl_slim]

I've always thought of myself as the "fat girl." As if I were predestined to just be the fat, cute, funny friend; and I play that role often, even though I'm nothing like that. I've been thinking a lot about the power of the mind, and I realize that because I think of myself as this person, I look like this person. So, I'm turning a new leaf. I have decided to begin thinking of myself as the thin girl in disguise (like when Tyra put on a fat suit and walked around New York). I am on a journey to lose 155 pounds, and to expose my true self. Anyone who wants to come along, is welcome.

My name is Lisa. I weigh 260 pounds. I am an aspiring actress, college student, and high school acting coach. I am a recovered anorexic/bulimic. I used to weigh 90 pounds, then had my gall bladder removed for health reasons, which caused a hormone imbalance, which helped balloon me to 267 pounds.

In the next year, with the help of a homeopathic/Chinese medicine doctor, I will follow the Biggest Loser diet, and I will exercise my a*s off. My aim is to weigh 105 pounds, (which is where I feel my 5' 2" body is most comfortable) and to be fit enough to run a marathon. I will also complete a series of "challenges" set forth by myself, my boyfriend, my therapist, and my friends that will push me out of my comfort zone and work me mentally, with the goal of raising my confidence level, and exposing my true self.

This isn't going to be easy.

 

[fatgirl_slim]

21 APRIL 2010
DAY 1

My goal for today is to actually make it to the gym. I haven't gone at all this week, and I know I won't lose weight until I exercise regularly.

Challenge for this week: Take lunch to school and eat food in front of people, alone.

This challenge may seem stupid, but as someone who has struggled with eating disorders, eating in front of people has been a huge embarrassment. I know what people are thinking when I put food in my mouth. "That's why she's fat!" I feel unattractive when I eat, and if I'm put in a situation where I have to eat in front of a large group of people that I don't know, or don't like, I often opt to skip eating or I begin to feel physically sick. So, this week, I'm going to eat my lunch, not at home, but in a very public area of my school, by myself so I have no one to hide behind or to distract me form the real issues in my mind that need to be solved.

I better get to bed. It's late, and I have a big exam tomorrow. Good night!

 

[Sunflower2]

Ohh I can't wait to see you write more! This sounds AWESOME Challenges and stuff sounds like it'll be really helpful for you and I'm glad you have the support of your boyfriend and friends. Good luck, you can do it.

 

[chubbygirl]

Hi and welcome! My name is Lisa too and the way you described yourself in the first paragraph is totally the girl I once was! I'm slowly finding the new me and it's really interesting and exciting learning all these things about myself and getting passed old habits and starting new healthy ones! I wish you luck on your journey and can't wait to read more! Keep it up one day at a time!

 

[fatgirl_slim]

Thanks Sunflower & Lisa! I'm glad someone is reading! So happy to have your support!

Today went alright. I didn't make it to the gym, but I went for an hour-long walk, which I think is pretty alright for my first day. Plus, I bought these shoes a few weeks ago that have insoles that weigh 3 lbs. so it's like walking with ankle weights.

My eating, however, was less than awesome. I woke up late, so I didn't eat breakfast, which is TERRIBLE! Then by lunch I was starving but I didn't have time to get food, because I would have bee late for my next class, so I grabbed a bag of (GET THIS) F*CKING LAYS. Seriously, the lowest calorie food in the vending machine. 260 calories of pure sh*t, but it's done so I'm not going to dwell on it. Finally on my way home, I bought a banana from the convenience store at school and ate it like it was the last piece of food on earth (obviously I was starving by then). Joseph, my boyfriend, and I walked/took the metro home today, so I guess I walked a little extra. My dinner was alright, I guess. I had a chicken sandwich and then I had a mini zone bar because I wanted chocolate.

Calorie-wise, it wasn't SUCH a bad day, but I ate at 6, and it's 9:15 and I feel like I'm running on empty. It's my time of the month as well, so I could REALLY go for a cookie right now. The only things stopping me from going to the store and buying cookie dough right now are: A)my intense desire to get rid of this weight, B)my commitment to myself, and C)having to write about my day here. I already slipped up today. If I let myself have this cookie, I won't learn a thing and I'll be more likely to mess up tomorrow, and then I'll end up saying, "I'll just start from scratch on Monday." Hell no!

As for the challenge, today I failed. I tried to sit outside my classroom to eat those Lays, but as soon as I opened the bag I felt like all these eyes were watching me, even though I wasn't looking up from the bag. I ate one chip and immediately I no longer felt like a person. I felt like a ghost, like a blob. I forgot who I was and what I am trying to achieve and I just felt like I was a walking "FAT" sign. So, I ran to the bathroom, locked myself in a stall, and ate there. This caused me to be a little late to class, and I felt really bad about letting that experience affect me like that. The worst part was when I had to 'fess up to Joseph. He was quite upset. See, he really just wants me to be more confident, that's the change he's looking for. He told me today that he really doesn't give a crap what I weigh, or if I lose weight, or if I gain weight, all he really wants is for me to have a little more confidence in myself as I am right now. I can't let him down again.

Tomorrow's another day.

 

[fatgirl_slim]

Friday: A much better day! I had yogurt with some granola for breakfast, a protein bar for snack, a chicken sandwich, then I had chicken and brown rice at my boyfriend's house, and a fat free chocolate pudding with fat free cool whip and hershey shavings. Not a terrible day. Plus, I went to the gym and alternated between the treadmill and the stairmaster. Also, I ate in front of a huge group of people while reading a book, alone! Yay!

Saturday: Slipped up and had one (albeit small) chocolate chip cookie for breakfast with almond milk. Then I ate chicken breast, brown rice, and cucumber for lunch. I had some strawberries for snack, and had a turkey burger with reduced fat cheese and broccoli for dinner. Oh, and I had strawberry sorbet for dessert. For exercise, I went for a long walk/jog, then went to the gym to do the rowing machine for a while.

Every time I go to the gym I get really embarrassed. I'm usually the biggest person there. The only people that look bigger than me are the guys lifting crazy amounts of weights. I feel stupid in there, and I often want to leave early. Especially when I start to alternate between walking and running on the treadmill, because I can feel everything jiggle, and I start to feel self-conscious. My gym (the gym at my university) offers a bunch of fun classes like Zumba and Cardio Blast and stuff, but I can find the courage to go to one, because I know I'll be the biggest one there and in such a closed setting I don't know that I'll be able to contain my embarrassment. I think my challenge for next week should be to go to the gym and try my hardest not to feel embarrassed, but rather to feel empowered.

I hope everyone else is having a great weekend!

 

[Xenon1]

Hi fatgirl_slim cool diary you got here

I was thinking for your eating outside challenge it might help to eat something you feel is healthy...like carrot sticks or something.

Congrats on getting on track! I am also happy to hear that you got over your eating disorders! That is a HUGE accomplishment and you should really feel proud of yourself for that!

 

[fatgirl_slim]

Thanks for reading, Xenon! Yes, I am very proud of myself. It was a big deal. It still is, and I figure if I can do that, I can lose this weight.

I did really well today! Super proud of myself.

B: Fat free yogurt with blueberries.
L: Chicken and cucumber.
S: Green apple
D: Turkey wrapped in a fat free wheat tortilla and some carrots.
S: Chocolate flavored almond milk and strawberries.

The best is yet to come. Every Sunday my dad's side of the family gets together at my grandparents' house. My father, his 4 other siblings, their wives/husbands, 2 babies, 2 toddlers, my brother, my grandparents, and myself. 16 people in total (my mom doesn't go, and one of my uncles isn't married), and I can never eat in front of any of them. This is mainly because all my life they've been very critical of my weight. I am always either too fat or too thin, and after a while I got so scared to put food in my mouth around them, I'd just say that I fast on Sundays. So today I served myself some food and sat at the table next to my little cousins, and I ate lunch with my family. No one stared at me strangely or anything. My uncle actually said, "It's nice to see you enjoy food." It was very sincere. It felt good.

I also went for a walk/jog this morning and then ran around with my cousins in the back yard after lunch.

Alright, tomorrow's Monday, and the start of a new week, meaning a new challenge is in order.

Challenge for this week: Work out at the gym as often as possible, without feeling ashamed to be there.

 

[Xenon1]

So today I served myself some food and sat at the table next to my little cousins, and I ate lunch with my family. No one stared at me strangely or anything. My uncle actually said, "It's nice to see you enjoy food." It was very sincere. It felt good.

That is soooo nice to hear! I am happy you did well today also.