Day 24
Okay, so I messed up AGAIN this weekend, like I do every weekend. I ate so much on Saturday, it was ridiculous. Dare I even say? Yes, I will, you will be disgusted.
I ate a whole large pepperoni pizza by myself and 1.75 pints of ice cream. That was my lunch, okay? And THEN, even though I was still full, I ate a French dip sandwich and a large order of curly fries for dinner.
JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Listen, and check THIS out--I also ate so much that I felt sick to my stomach and did not go to a party I meant to go to because I felt so full and in pain from how much I had eaten.
This is not good. This is a serious problem! I know I have talked about it before, but I really was thinking on Saturday as I lay on the couch like a bloated-ass whale that I really have a problem. I have a serious problem with food. Who in their right mind would eat until it was painful? That is so wrong. And I do that every freaking weekend. So, it's not even so much a weight thing, ok, because I have consistently weighed less at my weigh-ins every week (although we'll see what this week says, I'll keep my fingers crossed it's at least not more than 163), but I have a really unhealthy eating pattern that I am sure is bad for me in so many other ways besides putting on weight. It hurts my social life--sometimes I forego hanging out with people so that I can stay home and binge in secret. Oh my god, I can't believe how fucked up I am. And I think FUCK if I was going to have a problem, couldn't it be with speed or coke or something that at least made you skinny? Jesus, I am like an afterschool special.
aaaaaaaaargh!!!!
anyway, so after that enlightening moment (and the scale very unhappily read 167.5 on Monday), I decided that I need a whole new system, a whole new way to look at food and exercise and health.
I had heard about and have studied somewhat ayurveda (which is a very old Indian system of health). I have read a few books on it, how to practice it in daily life, and always the part that got me was food. I have such a hard time controlling food and my cravings and how I look at food.
But ayurveda addresses all aspects of life and one's daily practices, including spiritual practices. There is something called "dinacharya" which is a daily routine that is good to follow for optimal health. I am hoping that I can reprogram everything, because the weight thing is just a symptom of an underlying problem, a disease of the mind, I think.
So, this morning, I woke up at about 6:15am, as ayurveda recommends getting up within the two hours before dawn, went for a little walk (about 13 minutes), did some yoga, gave myself a self-massage and cleaned out all of my senses (ears, eyes, mouth, nose). Then I took a bath, did some meditation, did some upward rows with weights, ate breakfast AFTER I had taken a big, fat dump (somebody on here is fond of saying that), took a very short walk, and now I have been doing Internet-related stuff since then. I will post what I weigh once I get to where a scale is.