Tori's first Diary

[backtosize3]

Okay, I'm an idiot for deciding to diet right before a holiday! LOL But I really have got to get myself in shape because it's effecting my health. My current stats aren't even bad, I have about maybe 30lbs to lose, though I don't go by "pounds", just how I look and feel.

I'm 5'3"
Currently: 135 is my approx weight
Goal: 105 (or a bit more if I have muscle like I used to)
(The Avatar pic is Kendra Wilkinson from Playboy...I have the same measurements as her when I'm in shape, so there's my motivation)

I did so well in July. From Jul 19 to about Aug 11 I had lost about 10-12 lbs, then stress hit, several of my pets passed away and I literally self-medicated myself from August to December 7th. Alcohol is no way to cope, but I wasn't sleeping well so, wheee, the cocktails ...and sitting around doing internet work. Now I'm back to July again, even more out of shape. I think a few years ago when I was working out a lot I was a size 2 (though sizes are all screwy on clothes) Basically I had a 24-25" waist whatever size that is. Now I don't dare break out the tape measure. I probably have to lose about 4" off my waist now.

So I'm pissed off, and being pissed off makes me work out a lot so...I guess that's my strategy. I need to get pissed off enough. I mean, I have the coolest clothes sitting in my closet that I need to get back into. I used to have amazing will power and discipline which went out the window after all the stress. Plus it doesn't help that my husband has to come in and have a few beers. I cut those out and drank white wine but the calories are still there so, bleh.

Good news is, I worked out yesterday for the first time in months. I did 20 minutes of cardio (while watching the Food network ) It's funny, I love to cook but have no problem not eating the food as long as I can enjoy the gourmet smell! Yeah, I'll taste things here and there, but I guess cooking kept my mind off all the pets I lost this year which is like 5. I used to cook for my elderly dog and when he passed away I couldn't get out of the habit of being in the kitchen doing "something" to stay out of the depression.

So back to yesterday. I did the cardio and was out of breath, but once I got into it, my body loved it. Also I did a few crunches (something I couldn't do for months after a separated rib). Did some weights and martial arts moves. Surprisingly, I'm not sore at all.

My goal for now is to journal so that I stick to this plan. It's too easy to say "I'll start tomorrow", because I had a year of friggin' tomorrows.

I used to be able to handle when bad things happened, I didn't get so depressed, but the past four years have been sheer hell. Moving, helping a friend move, helping an alcoholic friend, money stresses, deaths, thefts, you name it. The icing was when one of our cars caught on fire! Yeah, I kid you not.

Well this is long, but I have no social life and no one to really talk to so here I am. The only thing keeping me going right now is "remembering" how I used to feel. I wish sometimes I'd wake up from a bad dream and be myself again, but alas, I gotta hike uphill...

 

[backtosize3]

Tori: Ok we're officially fasting...

Fasting
This is the only way I can jumpstart this mess. I had to go out today and realized I'm sick of wearing my crappy clothes and big t-shirts. When I got out of shape I vowed I would not buy bigger clothes, other than my basic "daily" work at home outfit which is, shorts and an oversized t-shirt. I rarely wear long pants, given that I live in Arizona. I really need to get my ass in gear because I can't even look in the mirror anymore. You know you need to lose weight when you can't suck in your stomach and make it look decent! LOL

I've fasted in the past, probably a month for the longest and it really did wonders for my health. I think it depends on the person. Usually after a week on a fast, I feel like I lose the depression and other issues that make me want to be lazy. This time I decided that my Christmas present to me was a Jack Lalanne juice machine. I have to say this thing works amazingly and is easy to clean up. So while I'm technically not eating, I'm getting some nutrition from the veggies and fruits. I'm drinking a lot of water with lemon juice in it because I hate plain water. I added Cayenne pepper as they do on the lemonade diet and since I love hot foods, this is great.

Today's health drink:
Carrots, Celery, an Apple and two Tangerines. My husband and I split the concoction so I don't know what we actually drank between the two of us. I'm not counting calories because it takes too much of my time, but I can't imagine I'm ingesting more than 800 cals a day. I know people will freak when I say that, but my body just doesn't need much. I'm a petite 5'3" person, so if I'm not doing hard workouts yet, I really don't need the calories.

I'm debating whether to have a glass of white wine later, because there's a bottle open and it won't be good for long. I became a wine lover so it's really hard not to have my usual cheese, fruit and wine, oh...and Italian bread with Olive oil. Hey, I'm part Italian so I guess this is my downfall! I figure a bit of wine won't hinder me since I'm not eating much.

Workout:
Haven't done one yet, but will be doing my usual 20 mins of cardio since I had to be running errands and doing websites all day. I'm going to start getting up earlier and working out. Tomorrow the horse stalls need cleaning and the lawn needs mowing so I suppose I'll burn calories that way.

Workout Equipment:
The Gazelle
Total Gym
Trampoline
Martial arts/boxing type moves
Stretching

I'm horrified to say I have an entire gym in my house and my husband and I don't use any of the items. They're the cheaper knock-off versions but they work great so there is no excuse. We have a weight bench, treadmill, recumbent bike, punching bag. Then I have horses to ride, who don't get ridden because their owner is out of shape. Now's the time to change all this.

I guess once I was out of shape already, I just said screw it, let's let ourselves go a while and see how the other half lives. I'm at the disgusted point - okay I'm beyond that.

Christmas dinner...
I'm making a ham. Yes, sooo healthy eh? But this year I plan to fast til the holiday, workout like hell before Christmas and then enjoy myself for a bit.

New Year's:
We aren't going to parties, but of course we need to have the traditional champagne. 2008 has been the shittiest year of my life, and we're doing our old tradition of breaking last year's champagne glasses out in the driveway. 2008 can kiss my fat ass.

Goal setting:
It's December 9, I started this diet yesterday, so I should near a comfortable place by mid January. By the end of February I'll be more where I should be, and can probably justify eating more by then. Fish, fruits, veggies.

Downfall foods:
My beloved tortilla chips. Steaks. Mexican food. Greek Food.

I wondered how I put on this weight in 4 years and I think really it was the alcohol. I never drank until 4 years ago. It was a social habit I picked up from my husband. When stress hit, I needed to drink before bed to sleep. I thought it was better than using any kind of pill. Also I had stopped working out other than house and yard work. I guess I quit giving a shit at some point.

Other than the alcohol, I really don't have a bad diet! Most of the time I eat one meal a day if that. I don't eat fast foods, don't like sweets so the metabolism is definitely to blame here.

My old diet wasn't the problem...it was the lack of workouts and the addition of alcohol.

These are typical foods I eat while not dieting:
Tuna in water, a few crackers, chicken, turkey, lean steaks (not often) air popped popcorn with no butter, rice, cornflake cereal with soy milk. Occasionally a piece of cheese. The only bad stuff I'd eat would be tortilla chips and if there's a football game the occasional hot wings. I'm not a huge fan of pizza, and if we bought hot dogs they were the 97% fat free Hebrew National kind. So it HAD to be the alcohol calories killing me. Honestly I'm a weirdo, I don't like ice cream, cake or cookies or even chocolate. Having a beer with the guys was fun, but that was cut when I switched to wine.

Well, in July I quit everything cold-turkey. I lost weight and felt amazing...then took a "break" that lasted months. My new pattern lately has been, "if you screw up, then screw up bigtime". Not a cool pattern. Breaking that NOW.

What I'm trying to figure out is how not to mess up again. What were my triggers, how do I cope, and changing the behaviors, like a person who quits smoking does. I don't think I'll ever be back here at this weight again because I've learned my lesson, but I still need to change things.

Things that effect my body badly: sodium and alcohol
Modification: No more tortilla chips (okay I'll only eat like 5 or 6 if I want some and I'll stop there. Alcohol: I'm not craving it physically, it's just a crutch to relax. Bye bye to that except for one small bit of wine to "enjoy" not use as a medication. Modification: I'll work out more and hopefully I'll sleep better. I need to drink more water! I've cut diet sodas to one can per day. Putting lemon juice and cayenne pepper in the water makes it much more fun to drink. Jalapeno peppers...the kind in a jar. I could live on those and I realized how much sodium is in there! Dang it! Wasabi covered peas snack...also not great. Modification: Wasabi paste for that hot-high endorphin rush that peppers give.

I'm trying to learn about myself so that by New Year's I can start the rest of my life. Bye for now, time to workout!