My name is Christine. I’ve spent 90% of my free time over the last 10 years online, where I go by the name Esclava so I go by that name just as easily (easier most of the time). I am 5 feet 9 inches, weigh 190lbs and 26 years old. My highest (recorded) weight was 242lbs in February 2005. I’ve been a lurker on this forum as well as 3fatchicks for a couple years, and just recently started posting a little.
Back story:
Like I stated above, I spend a lot of time on my computer. I am a gamer. In December 2004 I met a gentleman, Mike, in World of Warcraft and my life changed forever. He lived in New Jersey, I lived in Oregon. The following February we met for the first time “in real life” and we both knew that we had to be together. We had a very sexual online relationship, although he was obviously unhappy with my weight. After meeting in real life, I decided it was time to get my body under control and the day he flew home I ran for the first time since middle school P.E. I just threw on a pair of jeans and a hoodie and ran.
Mike still lived with his mom, but had a very good job that he was advancing rapidly within. I worked for the Oregon Judicial department, a place that I absolutely loved, with great people. However, while it had great benefits, the pay was lousy and there was very little room for advancement so I made the decision to move to New Jersey. Once that decision was made, Mike started looking for a house. In April he put a down payment on a home, and in June he moved in. June 29th he flew to Oregon, and the two of us, along with my two cats and all the belongings I could fit, packed into my ’96 Taurus and drove to New Jersey. On July 8th I slept in my new house for the first time.
In February 2005 I began running. I started running 4-5 times a week, just under a mile a day. The first month was incredibly painful, my shins hurt every second of every day. By the time we drove to N.J., I was down to about 210lbs. I didn’t have a job, so I spent all day at home while he worked. In August ‘06 we bought a treadmill and I started using it almost every day. At this point I had been trying to lose weight for 6 months, and was started to realize something about myself, if I eat, I don’t lose weight. I tried various “programs” where I would eat XX amount of good food XX times a day etc, but it always came back to if I wasn’t hungry, I wasn’t losing weight. By December ‘05 I had lost maybe 5-10 lbs even though I was running almost every day.
The first work day after Christmas ‘05 I started my first day at a job. It sucked. I was depressed. I started smoking (I had quit the day Mike flew to Oregon and we started our drive across country). I was tired and depressed and I quit running for about a month, and the weight started to come back. I was determined to not let it, and I started running again and severely reduced my calorie intake. By March ‘06 I was down to about 195lbs. I continued to hate my job.
All the while, my home life was sucking. Mike and I got along great. We have a similar sense of humor and we laugh all the time. We play games together every night, and generally have a good time. However… He is not at all attracted to my body. We’ve gone months without having sex. We probably average once a month. That is generous. I am a very sexual person. I think about sex about 23 hours a day. I openly look at porn and love all sorts of perverted things. Sex is just a part of who I am and I’m not at all ashamed of that. Eventually, Mike’s lack of interest in me sexually started to …. kill me on the inside. I was working so hard on losing weight, and was not getting any additional attention from him. My depression got so bad. I have no family or friends within 3000 miles, and I felt trapped. There was nothing I could do and nowhere I could go.
In August 2006 I moved to a part time position within my company where I worked 3 hours a day, from 10:30am to 1:30pm. I joined a gym and started going there right after work 3 times a week. I have anxiety issues and cannot be in crowded places. 2pm at the gym was quite empty and worked out well for me.
For the first time in about a year, I felt like I finally was getting my shit together. I loved the gym, I loved not hating my job. While I never lost any weight while there (I was down to about 185lbs) I did lose about an inch just from firming up and strength training. About 4 weeks into this, I realized that we were going broke with me only making $10 an hour at 15 hours a week. I started stressing again and began looking for a new job. November 27th I started a new job in a new company making significantly more money than I ever had before. Of course, it was full time and I was working till 4:30pm every day. There is no way I can set foot inside a gym at 5pm at night. Just thinking about it makes me queasy. I haven’t been back since I started this job. This makes me sad.
Here it is, January 11th 2007. I gained about 5 lbs over the holidays, putting me at 190. While I’m very proud of myself for getting this job, I’m starting to get depressed again because of my lack of weight loss. I’m just so tired of not being the person physically that Mike wants. He tells me, almost every day, that I’m not fat anymore, and that he loves my body etc…However we still don’t have sex so I know he’s lying. Having him ask me for a BJ makes my day, even though it’s an act that doesn’t involve seeing my body at least its something that involves both sex and me -- at the same time!! -- I’m starting to believe that even when I do lose the weight we still wont have a sexual relationship, because he’ll always see the fat girl I was 2 years ago… just like I do. Of course he denies that, and I feel so bad because I’m constantly depressed and he knows its because of him, but there’s nothing he can do.
I need to lose this weight for so many reasons; my health, my sanity, this relationship that I gave up everything for. It might be the wrong reason to want to lose weight, a man, but that’s the way it is.
This journal is for me, to get my thoughts down and out. I have nobody to talk to about any of this. I have no friends, my family wouldn’t understand. They are all pretty big people and would take any opportunity to tell me I should come home. I can’t really talk to Mike about it because it hurts him so much to see me hurting. Writing this down is my only outlet.
Here is a chart I’ve been keeping to track my progress:
bst wst hp
3/16/05 - 44 - 47 - 51 - 242
4/23/05 - 43 - 41 - 49 - 227
5/21/05 - - 40 - 49 - 220
8/23/05 - 41 - 39 - 49 - 215
9/30/05 - 42 - 39 - 48 - 210
10/31/05- 41 - 38.5 - 46.5- 209
11/22/05- - 38.5 - 47 - 205
12/19/05 38 47 - 202
04/01/06 36.5 46 197
8/31/06 39 35 45 185
My goal is 140lbs. I am aiming for June 1st. My current plan beginning yesterday has me running on the treadmill a minimum of 1 mile 6 times a week. My idea is that even in my worst state, if getting on the treadmill is the last thing in the universe I want to do, 1 mile is almost nothing and once I’m on there I’ll keep going. Even though I’ve been running almost two years now I still cannot run a full mile without taking walking breaks, that’s a goal I’d love to see by this summer. It’s hard though because of my smoking. My lungs stop me every time. I haven’t run my legs sore since I started running way back in Feb of ’05. My firm has a gym that I want to use, however I need a doctors note and my benefits haven’t gone into effect yet for me to see one. I’d use the gym for weight training and the elliptical machine 2-3 times a week, and use the treadmill at home the other days.
Oh, another habit I’m having trouble with, alcohol. Depression and booze go hand in hand! If it were up to me I’d drink every night, but I know I’ll never reach any of my goals by doing so, so I’ve quit drinking except for weekends and when we have company (which we almost never have, so it’s negligible). Even weekend drinking would only be like a vodka & diet coke, or orange juice.
I don’t drink regular soda, and I don’t eat sweets or any junk food really. I never have. All my weight has been from a meat and potato diet/lifestyle. I’m trying to eat more salads, and we tried vegiburgers for the first time last night. We rarely have red meat, most meals have chicken or turkey. The “diet” isn’t anything strict, or calorie counting, just portion control and good sense.
That’s about it I guess. My weigh in days are Wednesdays. This coming Wednesday will be my first full week with my new plan/diet. We’ll see what happens!
Back story:
Like I stated above, I spend a lot of time on my computer. I am a gamer. In December 2004 I met a gentleman, Mike, in World of Warcraft and my life changed forever. He lived in New Jersey, I lived in Oregon. The following February we met for the first time “in real life” and we both knew that we had to be together. We had a very sexual online relationship, although he was obviously unhappy with my weight. After meeting in real life, I decided it was time to get my body under control and the day he flew home I ran for the first time since middle school P.E. I just threw on a pair of jeans and a hoodie and ran.
Mike still lived with his mom, but had a very good job that he was advancing rapidly within. I worked for the Oregon Judicial department, a place that I absolutely loved, with great people. However, while it had great benefits, the pay was lousy and there was very little room for advancement so I made the decision to move to New Jersey. Once that decision was made, Mike started looking for a house. In April he put a down payment on a home, and in June he moved in. June 29th he flew to Oregon, and the two of us, along with my two cats and all the belongings I could fit, packed into my ’96 Taurus and drove to New Jersey. On July 8th I slept in my new house for the first time.
In February 2005 I began running. I started running 4-5 times a week, just under a mile a day. The first month was incredibly painful, my shins hurt every second of every day. By the time we drove to N.J., I was down to about 210lbs. I didn’t have a job, so I spent all day at home while he worked. In August ‘06 we bought a treadmill and I started using it almost every day. At this point I had been trying to lose weight for 6 months, and was started to realize something about myself, if I eat, I don’t lose weight. I tried various “programs” where I would eat XX amount of good food XX times a day etc, but it always came back to if I wasn’t hungry, I wasn’t losing weight. By December ‘05 I had lost maybe 5-10 lbs even though I was running almost every day.
The first work day after Christmas ‘05 I started my first day at a job. It sucked. I was depressed. I started smoking (I had quit the day Mike flew to Oregon and we started our drive across country). I was tired and depressed and I quit running for about a month, and the weight started to come back. I was determined to not let it, and I started running again and severely reduced my calorie intake. By March ‘06 I was down to about 195lbs. I continued to hate my job.
All the while, my home life was sucking. Mike and I got along great. We have a similar sense of humor and we laugh all the time. We play games together every night, and generally have a good time. However… He is not at all attracted to my body. We’ve gone months without having sex. We probably average once a month. That is generous. I am a very sexual person. I think about sex about 23 hours a day. I openly look at porn and love all sorts of perverted things. Sex is just a part of who I am and I’m not at all ashamed of that. Eventually, Mike’s lack of interest in me sexually started to …. kill me on the inside. I was working so hard on losing weight, and was not getting any additional attention from him. My depression got so bad. I have no family or friends within 3000 miles, and I felt trapped. There was nothing I could do and nowhere I could go.
In August 2006 I moved to a part time position within my company where I worked 3 hours a day, from 10:30am to 1:30pm. I joined a gym and started going there right after work 3 times a week. I have anxiety issues and cannot be in crowded places. 2pm at the gym was quite empty and worked out well for me.
For the first time in about a year, I felt like I finally was getting my shit together. I loved the gym, I loved not hating my job. While I never lost any weight while there (I was down to about 185lbs) I did lose about an inch just from firming up and strength training. About 4 weeks into this, I realized that we were going broke with me only making $10 an hour at 15 hours a week. I started stressing again and began looking for a new job. November 27th I started a new job in a new company making significantly more money than I ever had before. Of course, it was full time and I was working till 4:30pm every day. There is no way I can set foot inside a gym at 5pm at night. Just thinking about it makes me queasy. I haven’t been back since I started this job. This makes me sad.
Here it is, January 11th 2007. I gained about 5 lbs over the holidays, putting me at 190. While I’m very proud of myself for getting this job, I’m starting to get depressed again because of my lack of weight loss. I’m just so tired of not being the person physically that Mike wants. He tells me, almost every day, that I’m not fat anymore, and that he loves my body etc…However we still don’t have sex so I know he’s lying. Having him ask me for a BJ makes my day, even though it’s an act that doesn’t involve seeing my body at least its something that involves both sex and me -- at the same time!! -- I’m starting to believe that even when I do lose the weight we still wont have a sexual relationship, because he’ll always see the fat girl I was 2 years ago… just like I do. Of course he denies that, and I feel so bad because I’m constantly depressed and he knows its because of him, but there’s nothing he can do.
I need to lose this weight for so many reasons; my health, my sanity, this relationship that I gave up everything for. It might be the wrong reason to want to lose weight, a man, but that’s the way it is.
This journal is for me, to get my thoughts down and out. I have nobody to talk to about any of this. I have no friends, my family wouldn’t understand. They are all pretty big people and would take any opportunity to tell me I should come home. I can’t really talk to Mike about it because it hurts him so much to see me hurting. Writing this down is my only outlet.
Here is a chart I’ve been keeping to track my progress:
bst wst hp
3/16/05 - 44 - 47 - 51 - 242
4/23/05 - 43 - 41 - 49 - 227
5/21/05 - - 40 - 49 - 220
8/23/05 - 41 - 39 - 49 - 215
9/30/05 - 42 - 39 - 48 - 210
10/31/05- 41 - 38.5 - 46.5- 209
11/22/05- - 38.5 - 47 - 205
12/19/05 38 47 - 202
04/01/06 36.5 46 197
8/31/06 39 35 45 185
My goal is 140lbs. I am aiming for June 1st. My current plan beginning yesterday has me running on the treadmill a minimum of 1 mile 6 times a week. My idea is that even in my worst state, if getting on the treadmill is the last thing in the universe I want to do, 1 mile is almost nothing and once I’m on there I’ll keep going. Even though I’ve been running almost two years now I still cannot run a full mile without taking walking breaks, that’s a goal I’d love to see by this summer. It’s hard though because of my smoking. My lungs stop me every time. I haven’t run my legs sore since I started running way back in Feb of ’05. My firm has a gym that I want to use, however I need a doctors note and my benefits haven’t gone into effect yet for me to see one. I’d use the gym for weight training and the elliptical machine 2-3 times a week, and use the treadmill at home the other days.
Oh, another habit I’m having trouble with, alcohol. Depression and booze go hand in hand! If it were up to me I’d drink every night, but I know I’ll never reach any of my goals by doing so, so I’ve quit drinking except for weekends and when we have company (which we almost never have, so it’s negligible). Even weekend drinking would only be like a vodka & diet coke, or orange juice.
I don’t drink regular soda, and I don’t eat sweets or any junk food really. I never have. All my weight has been from a meat and potato diet/lifestyle. I’m trying to eat more salads, and we tried vegiburgers for the first time last night. We rarely have red meat, most meals have chicken or turkey. The “diet” isn’t anything strict, or calorie counting, just portion control and good sense.
That’s about it I guess. My weigh in days are Wednesdays. This coming Wednesday will be my first full week with my new plan/diet. We’ll see what happens!
I hope you find what you need here; we're here for you. Support, challenge, an ear to listen, whatever. It sounds like you and I have a bit in common, I think. If you need someone to talk to, more one on one, just pm me.
