The Rusting Girl

N

nolabone

New member
Rast ich, so rost ich. When I rest, I rust. I have rested to the point where my bones and muscles no longer remember motion. I'm inactive. I keep asking for rides instead of walking. Yes, it is hot and humid. Yes, my legs rub together and chafe and make me want to never go outside again, but there is no reason why I should have gained this weight! I am only getting worse. I am rusting.

Despite this I can't seem to force myself to accept that I am fat. That I gained over ten pounds in a week and a half, and now, over a month later have still neglected to do anything. That by the time I turn twenty, I won't just be a chubby teenage girl, but will be an obese woman. That the idea of losing weight floated around in my head in FEBRUARY, back when I first joined this community, and that I have become heavier since then. That if I had any ounce of determination and self respect I would be a completely different person by this point!

I don't want to struggle with this for the rest of my life. I see pictures of myself, and am honestly appaled! For some reason I have it in my mind that I look great. I don't. I really don't. I know I don't. Yet I sabotage myself continually!

My life has been ridiculously straining this past year. I'm sure it contributes to my weight problem. I always thought I was a bored eater, and not a stress eater. I'm not sure. I am such a responsible and in control teenager, but sometimes I want and need help with things. I can't do everything alone, I can't be a mother to my own mom. I'm not sure if I can lose this weight alone, but I hope so. When I first made buddies in here eventually they stopped talking. I don't want that.

No more time frames. I will do good old calorie counting, and hope for the best. I'm not even sure about weekly weigh ins. I just want to ease back into this slowly. D: My eating habits have been more that excessive. I'll tone it down. I will. I did it before.
 
nolabone said:
I don't want to struggle with this for the rest of my life. I see pictures of myself, and am honestly appaled! For some reason I have it in my mind that I look great. I don't. I really don't. I know I don't. Yet I sabotage myself continually!

My life has been ridiculously straining this past year. I'm sure it contributes to my weight problem. I always thought I was a bored eater, and not a stress eater. I'm not sure. I am such a responsible and in control teenager, but sometimes I want and need help with things. I can't do everything alone, I can't be a mother to my own mom. I'm not sure if I can lose this weight alone, but I hope so. When I first made buddies in here eventually they stopped talking. I don't want that.

No more time frames. I will do good old calorie counting, and hope for the best. I'm not even sure about weekly weigh ins. I just want to ease back into this slowly. D: My eating habits have been more that excessive. I'll tone it down. I will. I did it before.
Click to expand...

Hey,

Those two paragraphs struck a cord with me... because I know what it feels like to be my mother's mother... my brother's mother... and my families keeper... all while trying to be a teenager goign through middle and high school.

I'm sorry your buddies left you... if you need a buddy I'm here:hug2: I don't count calories and I weigh in twice a month. I've been on this weight loss journey since June 1st... the day when I said I had enough...my life is changing and this is going to happen now or never!

You can do this... You really can... you sounde determined and recognize what you need to change. Feel free to pm me, drop by my journal, or im me on one of my messanger names if you need any help, support, or just need/want a chat.

~Jenna
 
Thanks Jenna! I will keep you in mind, and added you to my buddy list on aim!

I really like the idea of weighing in twice a month. It doesn't sound like too much. Same goes with counting calories, which I neglected to do completely today! :doh:
 
Today I got my septum pierced! This has nothing to do with weight loss, other than it being a thing I wanted to do once I got to 140 pounds. :/

The good thing about it, aside from being something I have wanted for a very long time, is that I know it will look so much better once I slim my babycheeks down a little bit. I can't wait for that!!! I don't really have a chubby face.. By looking at just it, most people assume that I am skinny. (hello myspace) Hahaha, I hate having a bad surprise for people when they see what i really look like.

This morning my mom made monkey bread for breakfast. I ate over half of it! Holy over indulgence, batman! Grrr. THENNN I HAD ICE CREAM FOR LUNCH. hahah wtf. Dinner was pita bread and salad. :]

I'm almost positive I am well over my goal calorie range, but I don't think by that far. Guh, tomorrow I will count better. And try to remember my password on sparkpeople. haha D:

I had a great day other than the obvious horrible faults. I didn't get all that much exercise, but went on a ten minute walk. Like a month ago I was walking four miles a day, at least! I'm going back to that, and am going to either walk to drivers ed and work, or walk home from them. Maybe both. It really depends what time I have to work, I hate getting home and having to leave again without showering.
 
I love how I always stick to my plans. How I always set a goal and achieve it. Except not. Because I never do either of those things.

I am still rusting, and I don't know how to stop. I feel so alone with this, and dealing with my daily life in general. I want someone to talk to. I want my boyfriend to be back home, my mom to stop being sick, my "best" friend to have some sort of compassion instead of criticizing me constantly.. I want to be able to wear a sice 4 again. Fuck, even a size 10. :(

I'm going to go ride my bike until my legs are sore, and my butt aches.

atleast weekly "updates" from hear on out
 
Sounds like there are a lot of things out of your control, so don't stress over them so much - instead focus on what you can control... and that's good eating habits :) and regular exercise - biking til your butt aches might not be your best option - because how will you wannt to bike again... consistancy is your friend :D

Hang in there, kiddo, remember you do have support here so do drop in often...
 
I haven't been on here in a while, but my thought have been preoccupied.

My mom died. september 13, ten days before my 17th birthday. i haven't been really happy since, but I have been doing good at putting up a front and ignoring things. I've been staying at my oldest brothers house, out in cow country, where he has dial up, but it usually doesn't work. I haven't really cared to get on the internet at all though, even when I have had the chance.

I've lost about ten pounds since I was last on here. Not because of anything I have purposely done. I've lost most of my appetite. I'm not too concerned over losing weight at the moment.

I'm pretty much a mess. I don't know what i'm going to do with this house, with all of my moms things, where i am going to live... if i want to go back to work. There is just so much going on, i've never been more sad or stressed out in my life.

but i know i will eventually want to focus on my body again. so i'll try to keep in touch
 
So I am now living on my own. Kinda. I'm staying at my house, and buying my own food with the ridiculous amount of money I make working part time at Wendys. My other bills are paid by social security, since both of my parents are dead. Sweet deal, right? hah. I'm doing pretty well though! There are parts I really don't like about this, especially since there are so many memories here.. But.

Buying my own food, and being in complete control is pretty awesome. I bought chips and soda for a little halloween party I had (i feel bad for having friends over already, but I am a semi-social creature), but other than that I haven't bought anything unhealthy. Besides gatorade. :)

Since I'm pretty much buying groceries for me, and the occasional friend, I think I will be able to lose some pounds easily. There are still temptations here, like candy and cookies, but once they are gone I know I wont be buying much more.

I haven't weighed myself in a few days. Last I knew I was 158.
 
Friends are a great support system!! Keep inviting them over don't feel guilty about it! Keep on writing about your struggles too. Even if its not about weightloss getting some of your thoughts out in the open really takes some stress off your shoulders!

Good job having control over what foods you buy. I find myself at the grocery store not buying unhealthy items and then I get home and really wish I had bought some snacks. If its not in the house its definitely harder to get ahold of.
 
Hi there Rusting Girl.

So sorry to hear about your mom, your parents, your struggles. I have a huge idea what you're going through. I am sort of a semi-mom to my mom. I help her a lot, since it's really hard for her to get around a lot. And my Dad just passed away in August. It's SO hard, it's so upsetting and heartbreaking. But I've learned that humans are made to be tough and withstand obstacles that life brings. We are strong enough to make it, whatsoever happens. So I know you can do this weight loss thing. It's gonna be hard, but we both can do it. Stay strong. k?

Jennifer
 
Hi Nola...

missmarie is right about the friends. You shouldn't feel guilty about having them over. My best friend lost her mom in 8th grade, and it is being with her friends that has really helped her cope with the loss. It is important that you don't forget the memories of your parents, but why not continue to fill the house with new memories of you and your friends? There is nothing shameful in that.

I hope things will only get better for you, now. You certainly deserve a break from the tough stuff.
 
:) thank yoouuu, guys!

I think my arms have gotten smaller. I have big beefy arms.For some reason it doesn't cause me much strife. Though I still vividly remember this silly boy poking them during health(irony) in 7th grade and telling me they were fat. Hahaha, jerk!

I've been hanging out with friends a lot. My social life has never been this busy. And I got to see my boyfriend again! It's been a few weeks, since his car broke down. <3

As a result of having things to do, I wasn't eating much. Today there was no school... So I slept in until noon (which I haven't done in years!), watched a few episodes of Dexter, hung out with my dogs, and read some of Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer.. Then ate. A lot. Severe boredom/lazy-ness = over indulging. Well it wasn't even over indulging, since I wasn't enjoying it. I was just filling time.

Gah. I want a treadmill. I think I might steal my brother Morgans. I wanted to go for a walk, but it was pretty dang cruddy out today.

/end complaining
 
I'm going running with muh grrrl Sabrina tonight! :)

I announced it to the entire world that I want to lose weight, via LJ. Something I have never done before.

Yesterday and today were bowling team tryouts. I never thought I would go so low... Cuts are tomorrow. I did better than I usually do, but I haven't broken a 100 yet. I can't stop laughing over how funny it will be if the bowling team denies me. lol lol

Today feels really good. Functioning on only 5 hours of sleep, but still a good day.
 
I went to the store last night. I bought 3 cases of canned diet soda/tea. Die Dr Pepper is so delicious! <3 I also got grapes, 1% milk, wheat bread, two boxes of special k bars, a box of nature valley bars, and a package of mini twix. I ate like four of the mini twix's already. Grr.

I think I did pretty good. At first I put four packages of candy in my cart (1 dolla each), but then put three of them back, as I reminded myself I want to become healthy. I realize that losing weight and getting fit doesn't mean I can't enjoy things, but that I need to enjoy them on occasion. So no more twix's for a few days. I can do that.

I'm in the middle of reading the book Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer. I haven't read a book I have enjoyed this much in a while. It keeps me from stuffing my face from boredom, which is a double plus.
 
I weighed myself this morning. 159. So I haven't gained. :p I knew I would't loose, because I've pigged out a few times.

I ate an omlet this morning. I've never made one myself, because I have the worse luck flipping eggs. I'm not even sure if I made it the normal way? Do you put all of the egg in, and make it a big circle, then try to flip the circle? That's what I did. hahah Took me long enough to figure out how. I put broccoli, green peper, and mushrooms in it, with cheese. <3

I made it with three eggs, but only ate about 2/3 of it. The rest I gave to my dogs.

This is the first time I ate anything with a significant ammount of protein in it... in over a week. Maybe I should use spark people again. I'm eerie of doing so, because I know I eventually get bored with having to keep track of everything. It's much easier to make a genuine effort to eat well.

Last night when I worked I mentioned to my manager that I was on a "diet." So now a few people at work know, and my friends Sabrina, Jessica, and Nicole. Telling my family, my boyfriend, and my best friend will be the hardest part. But, since i'm living on my own I don't really need to tell them either. Guh. I know they would all be supportive. My brothers would probably tease me. (no surprise)... Part of it is probably not wanting to let them down, the other not wanting them to know I am slightly insecure. I carry myself like I am overly confident, which is so many areas I am, even with my body. I know I am overweight, and my arms and butt jiggle, but I also know I have a decent face, and a smaller middle. My attitude towards everthing else makes me cocky with the things I know about me aren't perfect too.
 
I want a tofurkey! WHY are they so expensive!!!

Those twix I mentioned a post or two ago, are gone. (I ate them the other day, ignoring what I had said.) And I just ate four Hershey's dark chocolate with cranberries, blueberries and almonds. Mindless eating.

Before I stopped being serious about losing weight for the first time, I had a rule where eating and drinking (besides water/diet soda) was not allowed at my computer. I'm going to have to enforce that upon myself again. I had a pretty calorie-packed breakfast, with eggs and cheese! I'm not even hungry. I need to pay attention to what I eat...

Now lets just see if I can follow through with this. I can not seem to keep my promises to myself.
 
Ice cream for breakfast. :X There is no milk in my house, or bread. Guh. I need to go shopping. And make better choices.
 
Wow. This has to be one of the most unflattering pictures of me ever. My legs are jumbo.

And that face! lol, so I know my face looks silly because I was laughing, but what about the rest of my body! :( I need to exercise.
 
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