A BrandNew Me
New member
Dear Diary, (I haven't written that since I was 10)
I have found a place on the internet where I truly believe I belong. As I know very well the battle of my weight has felt life long. As a young child I was always bigger and taller than the average. Being bullied and teased was all I
ever knew. It was very tough for me to grow with self esteem and confidence. My childhood dream was to be a dancer, of course I was too big,as I was told. So the rest of my chidhood went on, as well as I could of made it. As a teen I grew to be 5'9, which is pretty tall to most. So the stretch helped me to put things in the right spot. Still over weight. As I aged I realized that I am who I am ,and to except it. At the age of 20,I became very active working and hanging out with friends, my weekends were spent at clubs dancing the night away. Not realizing what I was doing, my clothes just became looser and looser. At the age of 21 (1993) I went from a 18 to a 12. Looking pretty good. This is the age where I met my prince-charming. So this was the beginning of the rest of my life. We moved 1 hour away from home,(due to a promotion for him). We left our freinds and family behind, it was just the two of us. Not a lot of activity, just alot of bordom and going out to eat(4-5 nights).Food was comfort for both of us. Do with no time at all I was back into a 16. Like I said before the battle of my life!!!! We married in 1995, and had our identical twin boys Tyler & Austin 1996.( That darn honeymoon)So as you already can assume, twin pregnancy = weight gain. 60 lbs. So now we are in the biggest size ever 24-26. My body will never look the same!!!!!! I am okay, I have been blessed with 2 amazing gifts from God.My husband still loves me. But I am crying inside. Being a young Mom of twins I was very busy. Not alot of time for me. Then in 2001, along came Brady, wasn't too bad this time just 40lbs. So now I am even busier than before. When life handed me lemons I did not make lemonade, I made a double fudge cake with ice cream. Still loved by my husband and boys, life just went on being fat and getting dressed away from the mirror. It's amazing how much your husband's clothes can cover up the rolls. So life still went on. In the year 2003 we were extremely surprised with Jenna.(Darn that weekend away alone) Our child baring days are over. I had my tubes tied. So as I looked at myself, I asked myself are you happy with yourself, do you like what you see? ABSOLUTLEY NOT!!!! Well do some thing about it!!! So I did I walked my way out of 35 lbs of misery during that spring and summer.(size 22-16) As fall headed towards me so did the pounds again. The battle of my LIFE!!! So this brings me up to recent....... All 4 of the kids were in school, Jenna started pre-k, Mon,Wed,Fri, I had 1 hour and 20 minutes for me. This was finally my chance to do something for me!!!!! So the week that she started school I joined planet fitness!!!! I started at 231 and now I am at 197. Am I terrified, ABSOULTELY!!! I still can't believe I wear a 14!!!! Who is she? I still am slightly embarassed when people ask me how much have I lost. I know they are happy for me, but I know they also noticed how big I was before. It's confusing...... to be so happy and proud of myself...but embarrased at the same time.....
During the time I joined the gym I had quite a bit support,I had friends that would go with me and give me the boost I needed to keep going. This support has ended. I am a solo flyer now. I still go, and push my self as hard as I can.
I has mentioned in my OP (Newcombers) I am in a funk, and am desparate to get out of it. I have 27 more lbs to go to reach my goal,or a size 10-12. I know in my heart I can do it. It is just not coming off very easily. I have also put myself in a bit of depression, the after affests of haveing 4 babies, and losing weight. I sag in so many places, places that I know that will never be the same, without surgery. I lost a full cup size (44 DD to a 42 D). I want to accept me the way I am, but am so angry that I let myself get so big. Now I face the difficulty of disfigurement. I am loved and accepted by so many friends and most of all my family(whom are very proud of my accomplisments).But why am I having such a hardtime. I realize the more I lose the more I sag. Unless I win the lottery is there really any hope. I feel selfish and it's not right. I work so hard to lose the weight but am left with I guess you can say scars. Listen to me....I am having a friggin pity party for myself. SNAP out of it sister, you have come along way. I didn't realize what this was going to do for me (A JOURNAL). I am able to give it all away to other pepole whom some face these feelings and emotions everyday.
The troop just came home from school...... we have a hockey game tonight....looking for the will power.... no nachos,ice cream,pretzels, etc.
I did not make it to the gym today, I have a feeling I have a bladder infection, and am very uncomfortable. So hopefully Monday I will be feeling better. No time to do the gym on the weekends. It's all about being Mom.
Sorry the first entry was forever.!!
Will be back soon...............
I have found a place on the internet where I truly believe I belong. As I know very well the battle of my weight has felt life long. As a young child I was always bigger and taller than the average. Being bullied and teased was all I
ever knew. It was very tough for me to grow with self esteem and confidence. My childhood dream was to be a dancer, of course I was too big,as I was told. So the rest of my chidhood went on, as well as I could of made it. As a teen I grew to be 5'9, which is pretty tall to most. So the stretch helped me to put things in the right spot. Still over weight. As I aged I realized that I am who I am ,and to except it. At the age of 20,I became very active working and hanging out with friends, my weekends were spent at clubs dancing the night away. Not realizing what I was doing, my clothes just became looser and looser. At the age of 21 (1993) I went from a 18 to a 12. Looking pretty good. This is the age where I met my prince-charming. So this was the beginning of the rest of my life. We moved 1 hour away from home,(due to a promotion for him). We left our freinds and family behind, it was just the two of us. Not a lot of activity, just alot of bordom and going out to eat(4-5 nights).Food was comfort for both of us. Do with no time at all I was back into a 16. Like I said before the battle of my life!!!! We married in 1995, and had our identical twin boys Tyler & Austin 1996.( That darn honeymoon)So as you already can assume, twin pregnancy = weight gain. 60 lbs. So now we are in the biggest size ever 24-26. My body will never look the same!!!!!! I am okay, I have been blessed with 2 amazing gifts from God.My husband still loves me. But I am crying inside. Being a young Mom of twins I was very busy. Not alot of time for me. Then in 2001, along came Brady, wasn't too bad this time just 40lbs. So now I am even busier than before. When life handed me lemons I did not make lemonade, I made a double fudge cake with ice cream. Still loved by my husband and boys, life just went on being fat and getting dressed away from the mirror. It's amazing how much your husband's clothes can cover up the rolls. So life still went on. In the year 2003 we were extremely surprised with Jenna.(Darn that weekend away alone) Our child baring days are over. I had my tubes tied. So as I looked at myself, I asked myself are you happy with yourself, do you like what you see? ABSOLUTLEY NOT!!!! Well do some thing about it!!! So I did I walked my way out of 35 lbs of misery during that spring and summer.(size 22-16) As fall headed towards me so did the pounds again. The battle of my LIFE!!! So this brings me up to recent....... All 4 of the kids were in school, Jenna started pre-k, Mon,Wed,Fri, I had 1 hour and 20 minutes for me. This was finally my chance to do something for me!!!!! So the week that she started school I joined planet fitness!!!! I started at 231 and now I am at 197. Am I terrified, ABSOULTELY!!! I still can't believe I wear a 14!!!! Who is she? I still am slightly embarassed when people ask me how much have I lost. I know they are happy for me, but I know they also noticed how big I was before. It's confusing...... to be so happy and proud of myself...but embarrased at the same time.....
During the time I joined the gym I had quite a bit support,I had friends that would go with me and give me the boost I needed to keep going. This support has ended. I am a solo flyer now. I still go, and push my self as hard as I can.
I has mentioned in my OP (Newcombers) I am in a funk, and am desparate to get out of it. I have 27 more lbs to go to reach my goal,or a size 10-12. I know in my heart I can do it. It is just not coming off very easily. I have also put myself in a bit of depression, the after affests of haveing 4 babies, and losing weight. I sag in so many places, places that I know that will never be the same, without surgery. I lost a full cup size (44 DD to a 42 D). I want to accept me the way I am, but am so angry that I let myself get so big. Now I face the difficulty of disfigurement. I am loved and accepted by so many friends and most of all my family(whom are very proud of my accomplisments).But why am I having such a hardtime. I realize the more I lose the more I sag. Unless I win the lottery is there really any hope. I feel selfish and it's not right. I work so hard to lose the weight but am left with I guess you can say scars. Listen to me....I am having a friggin pity party for myself. SNAP out of it sister, you have come along way. I didn't realize what this was going to do for me (A JOURNAL). I am able to give it all away to other pepole whom some face these feelings and emotions everyday.
The troop just came home from school...... we have a hockey game tonight....looking for the will power.... no nachos,ice cream,pretzels, etc.
I did not make it to the gym today, I have a feeling I have a bladder infection, and am very uncomfortable. So hopefully Monday I will be feeling better. No time to do the gym on the weekends. It's all about being Mom.
Sorry the first entry was forever.!!
Will be back soon...............
