The Biggest Loser 2012: A New Start

doubleclick

doubleclick

New member
Dear Diary,


I have a problem.

I have a problem with food.

I'm going to be honest about it here because I'm honest nowhere else about it.


Wanna know what I've eaten today? Don't judge me, I don't need anyone to judge me, I do enough of that myself.


2 cups of coffee with soya milk.

Not bad, right?

Wait.


2 slices of toast with scrambled egg and beans.


...


100g bar of dark chocolate.

100g bar of galaxy.

3 bowls of cereal.

75g of Penn State Pretzels.

A yogurt.

Half a carton of chocolate soya milk.

15 biscuits.


I'm a pig. I'm a binge eater. I'm out of control and I don't know why.

The minute I wake up, I think about food, about my next meal.


I'm actually less fat than the last time I was here.

In June, I went through a relationship break up, got depressed, didn't eat and lost nearly three stone in a couple of months. I was probably a little under 11stone.. not tiny by any means, but tiny by my standards.


Time passed, I fixed myself and I started eating again and haven't stopped eating since and the weight is slowly creeping back on. My new slim clothes have stopped fitting, i had to buy new fat clothes. Today I went shopping for fat clothes to hide my body. I hate being like this.


I haven't weighed myself but I expect I'm somewhere between 12 and 12 and a half stone.. so like, 175lbs?


I need to get back in control. I need to feel beautiful.
I just got into a new relationship and I want it to work, but i know that it won't if i'm battling self hatred.


I guess that my number one goal is to love myself, whatever the number reads on the scale, whatever the number reads inside the label of my clothes. But I want to be healthy and I want to be thinner.


I will be healthy. I will be thinner.

I'm going to change my life. Starting now.
 
I don't really have a plan. I should probably formulate one.

My plan is to eat between 1200 and 1500 calories a day and to exercise at least three times a week at the gym.


I don't have any money for food at the moment since I've spent it all on my recent binges. Hopefully my mother will lend me some money for healthy food.
 
My stomach is literally solid right now from my most recent binge. Evidence to follow.

This is what I'm working with:
 
I'm so glad you're here and you're wanting to make a change for the better. You seem to have a good grasp on what you need to do and are really motivated and have a good positive attitude about it! Don't let binges get you in a "quitting" mood. It happens, sometimes you can't avoid them. Make sure to just move past it and stay positive! You will make it to your goals!
 
AHello.
Day 3.. Not great.
Day 1+2 - hella on target.. Less than 1500 cals + gym.
Tomorrow I am going to have a hangover.
I will manage to cope with this with healthy food and coffee.

I miss being 150lbs.
I miss feeling good about myself.
I miss the way my clothes fit.
I miss the way my body looked.
I miss not being obsessed with food.
I miss the nervous anxiety in my tummy.
I miss never feeling hungry.
I miss when 2 rice cakes + peanut butter satisfied me.

I don't know how to get back there when it feels so difficult.
I want to stop gaining. I want to feel good enough.
I want to feel sexy.

Sigh.
:(
I can't believe I'm back to this again.

I need to get a food diary & write in it, honestly, and monitor my calories.
Rawr.
 
Rawr.

So, terrible rest of the week. I need to restart tomorrow and get my head in it.

I ate another box of cereal tonight, a whole bar of galaxy, and 6 wagon wheels.


Stepped on the scale.

So sad.

185lbs.

I was less than 168 2 months ago.


But it's fine. I've faced the reality.


If I lose 2lbs a week, I'll be 168lbs in 9 weeks, so by Christmas.


Tomorrow:
Coffee

Bowl of cereal
Sandwich or soup

Stirfry for dinner


Nuts/yogurt snacks.

:///


I CAN DO THIS. I need to do this.
 
Hi Doubleclick


Just wanted to welcome and wish you luck!

Sounds like a fairly mixed week - but if you're as motivated as you sound then I reckon the next week will be a good one :hurray:


I used to binge a lot too, I don't so much now - I may have had one or two episodes of it in the last 11 weeks. I'm not exactly sure how I eradicated the bingeing behaviour, but I do believe a lot of it was to do with understanding and reconsidering patterns of thought.


I made a big old list of the times, places, moods, thoughts that sorrounded a binge/overeating episode. For example, sat at home saturday afternoon, feeling lonely, thinking "some chocolate will cheer me up". Then the next time I found myself standing up to go to the petrol station for a cadburys whole nut (the big ones!) I thought about my motivation:


"chocolate will make me feel better!!! Will it? Yes! for how long? 30minutes maybe an hour. Will I feel bad about it? Hell no! Will I be sad next time I have to buy bigger pants? Oh Yes! More sad than I am right now? Probably. So is it a good idea to go out and buy chocolate? I guess not" Then having reached the conclusion that chocolate was not the best option, I tried to occupy myself with something else. I think it worked eventually :)


Just my two pence! Sorry for the mini essay,


Hope it's a great week for you,


Naif
 
AReally appreciate your two pence, Naïf. Thank you.
So impressed that you are in control of your binge episodes.
Hopefully I will be soon too.

Weighed in today. 178.6lbs.
Less frightening than I thought.
 
ATomorrow morning before work I am going to go running.
Alarm set for 5.30.
By 6 I'll be home & ready to drink coffee/shower.
 
Hi DoubleClick--it's normal to obsess about food whenever you start limiting it. It actually takes a bit of time after you start healthy eating to stop obsessing about wanting all the stuff you used to eat. But after awhile of healthy eating, it gets easier and easier. You eventually get to the point where you can't understand WHY you used to eat the unhealthy stuff. You walk into grocery stores and see aisles and aisles of junk food and sodas and you walk right past it to the fresh fruits and vegetables and fish and whole grains etc. You can do this :) hang in there.
 
Don't let binges get you down! They happen. I just spent the last 3 weeks or so eating HORRIBLY (fast food, pasta, baked goods, you name it!) almost every day and just couldn't stop. Gained about 4 lbs from it. Right before that I had a great few weeks where I wasn't craving anything then just one day BAM! Back to the old habits. Today has been my first day where I've been in control. It's been tough but don't give up and don't let missteps get you down! I've had success but that hasn't come without some failures. The trick is to pick yourself back up and keep going! Keep your eye on the prize and you'll get there
smile.gif
. Making a goal to go running in the morning is a great start! I'm planning on doing that myself tomorrow as well after about 4 months of not being able to due to a sprained ankle (which has also contributed to a stall in my weight loss.) Like I said, just gotta accept that there will be hurdles to get over and just keep going with a positive outlook. Good luck!!!
 
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