So this is the end of day three of my 'diet'...and by diet I mean lifestyle change. I hope.
Well to start, lemme' just get everything out in the open. I'm 19 years old, 5'8'', and weigh, at the moment, 214 lb. I started at 239 lb (that was well over six months), and inadvertantly due to stress, lost around 20 lbs without really trying. I've never been what anyone would call thin. And I've never had a real boyfriend either. There have been guys who I've been close to in the past that have asked me out, but I've always came up with an excuse not to because I was afraid of where it would lead. What would happen if he saw me naked? I'm ashamed of myself, so there's no way I could even dare to hope myself up to another.That bothers me. As a child, I was always the tallest in my class, and therefore always the biggest. And while I was no means 'fat', the other kids made fun of me... by looking back at photo's of myself, I can see that even at 5 years old I had a double chin. I wasn't fat. I had skinny arms and skinny legs, but my face was chubby. My face has always made me insecure...
Around 5 years ago, I use to weigh 153 lbs. I was 14, just entering highschool and extremely anxious of what others thought of me. And I thought, without question, that I was obese. I went on a teenage crash diet. I lost weight in a very short period of time, but the moment I stopped, I gained back everything I lost, plus about 20 lbs. And I looked back and said "Wow, if only I was that size again. If only I could fit into my size 10/12 jeans. I wasn't really that fat, was I?". I weighed around 180lbs at that point and wore a size 14/16. That was in grade 10. Then, due to numerous bad lifestyle choices (drugs, bad experiences with guys, stress, home life), I gained weight again. And I looked back and said "Wow, if only I was that size again. I wasn't really all that fat, was I?" By grade 11, I was around 210 lbs.
And then slowly, I gained and I gained and I gained and shit, now look at me. I don't even know how it happened. One morning I woke up and realized I couldn't even dare fit into the jeans I started wearing back at the beginning of highschool. They're friggin tiny. Hell, I wish I could be that size again. I'd love to be a size 12 again. I'd love to be able to go into a clothing store and buy something I like without having to see if they have my size first. But I'm so sick of being fat. Of looking at everyone in the room and going "Wow, I'm the biggest one here." Or even if I'm not, thinking that I am. Of thinking that everyone thinks I'm ugly. I don't like anything about myself anymore. I never really have. For example, I hate my ankles, or lack therefore of. Even when I weighed 153 lbs, I had no ankle definition; they just melted into my calves. I thought this was because I had fat legs. Back then, my legs were hardly fat. I worked out everyday; my legs were muscular. Regardless, my warped sense of self precieved this genetic fault as a weight problem.
I'm just so tired of being me...of being the fat chick in my group of friends...of not being able to commit to a relationship because I think I'm too ugly to be in one...of being out of shape, of hurting my body and life-span. I want to be thin again. I want to feel pretty. I know this sounds vain, but goddammit, it's hurting me. My mother always tells me I was the prettiest girl she knew back in the photo of me in grade nine, that I had a beautiful face and; at my lowest point, when I had the confidence to smile. I can't smile these days. I haven't been happy in years. How can I be happy with anything when I'm not happy with myself?
Starting 3 days ago, on September 18th, 2009, I decided to get serious about my life. I want it back. I want myself back.
I feel hungry right now, but I know it's for the best. I've already had 3 well-balanced meals and I refuse to harm myself any longer by eating unnessecary junk that just contributes to my misery.
I can do this. I know I can. I hope.
-Airia
Well to start, lemme' just get everything out in the open. I'm 19 years old, 5'8'', and weigh, at the moment, 214 lb. I started at 239 lb (that was well over six months), and inadvertantly due to stress, lost around 20 lbs without really trying. I've never been what anyone would call thin. And I've never had a real boyfriend either. There have been guys who I've been close to in the past that have asked me out, but I've always came up with an excuse not to because I was afraid of where it would lead. What would happen if he saw me naked? I'm ashamed of myself, so there's no way I could even dare to hope myself up to another.That bothers me. As a child, I was always the tallest in my class, and therefore always the biggest. And while I was no means 'fat', the other kids made fun of me... by looking back at photo's of myself, I can see that even at 5 years old I had a double chin. I wasn't fat. I had skinny arms and skinny legs, but my face was chubby. My face has always made me insecure...
Around 5 years ago, I use to weigh 153 lbs. I was 14, just entering highschool and extremely anxious of what others thought of me. And I thought, without question, that I was obese. I went on a teenage crash diet. I lost weight in a very short period of time, but the moment I stopped, I gained back everything I lost, plus about 20 lbs. And I looked back and said "Wow, if only I was that size again. If only I could fit into my size 10/12 jeans. I wasn't really that fat, was I?". I weighed around 180lbs at that point and wore a size 14/16. That was in grade 10. Then, due to numerous bad lifestyle choices (drugs, bad experiences with guys, stress, home life), I gained weight again. And I looked back and said "Wow, if only I was that size again. I wasn't really all that fat, was I?" By grade 11, I was around 210 lbs.
And then slowly, I gained and I gained and I gained and shit, now look at me. I don't even know how it happened. One morning I woke up and realized I couldn't even dare fit into the jeans I started wearing back at the beginning of highschool. They're friggin tiny. Hell, I wish I could be that size again. I'd love to be a size 12 again. I'd love to be able to go into a clothing store and buy something I like without having to see if they have my size first. But I'm so sick of being fat. Of looking at everyone in the room and going "Wow, I'm the biggest one here." Or even if I'm not, thinking that I am. Of thinking that everyone thinks I'm ugly. I don't like anything about myself anymore. I never really have. For example, I hate my ankles, or lack therefore of. Even when I weighed 153 lbs, I had no ankle definition; they just melted into my calves. I thought this was because I had fat legs. Back then, my legs were hardly fat. I worked out everyday; my legs were muscular. Regardless, my warped sense of self precieved this genetic fault as a weight problem.
I'm just so tired of being me...of being the fat chick in my group of friends...of not being able to commit to a relationship because I think I'm too ugly to be in one...of being out of shape, of hurting my body and life-span. I want to be thin again. I want to feel pretty. I know this sounds vain, but goddammit, it's hurting me. My mother always tells me I was the prettiest girl she knew back in the photo of me in grade nine, that I had a beautiful face and; at my lowest point, when I had the confidence to smile. I can't smile these days. I haven't been happy in years. How can I be happy with anything when I'm not happy with myself?
Starting 3 days ago, on September 18th, 2009, I decided to get serious about my life. I want it back. I want myself back.
I feel hungry right now, but I know it's for the best. I've already had 3 well-balanced meals and I refuse to harm myself any longer by eating unnessecary junk that just contributes to my misery.
I can do this. I know I can. I hope.
-Airia
And it is already a lot!