Terrified of gaining weight back...

[Rita Stewart]

Hi! I'm sorry if this isn't the right place ( among Soo many topics on the forum) to post, but I need help!
I was almost 220 pounds back in December last year ( 100 kilos) (I was actually 216 pounds or 98 kilos). I suffered form bullying, and it gave me a severe depression/anxiety, many problems... I am 165 centimeters, so I was really overweight. I was pre diabetic, so I went to a doctor. After all do this, I lost 68 lbs (31 kilos) , now weighing a healthy weight, finally.
All my life I was chubby (I'll be 18 in two days) and I finally can use shorts and bikinis, and people won't stare, what can I say, I'm Soo proud of myself...
But I count my calories everyday with mfp (my fitness pal) , and I always get roughly 1000 kcal , I should be on 1600 to maintain, according to the app, and I walk 3 miles a day, everyday.
I used to eat below 500 calories a day. Sometimes I would go as low as 250-300 kcal a day. The thing is that now I have a pretty bad anemia. At some point in my diet i lost control, my depression didn't help...
I wanted to loose more, but my doctor says I'm fine, everyone says I'm amazing like this.So I've been trying to maintain. I have been going up on calories, but Everytime I eat 1000 or 900 I panic. I feel like I want to either throw up or work out forever to burn it all...
I feel Soo bad because I keep seeing the same fat girl I was, when I'm not; I can clearly see my bones now. I should eat more 600 calories, but I can't, I simply can't... This isn't healthy, I know
The thing is that in 2 days, I'll be 18. I wanted a cake , but I freak out just to know how many calories a slice has, and I'm Soo scared of overeating, or just to gain 4 pounds from one day to another. This pisses me of Soo much! I check my weight everyday, and I keep loosing, while trying to maintain it...
I've been eating more, but I simply can't... Someone help please! Ik my friends will be disappointed if I buy a cake for them to eat, and the one celebrating the bday isn't eating. I'm just terrified of eating . Everytime I eat something more , I will freak out. Help me please...
I have this kind of question, if I eat a bit of cake, will I gain weight? This is ridiculous I know, but I'm terrified..

 

[Llama]

Hi Rita and welcome to our forum. There´s quite a bit to say, I think! First off: you did not deserve to be bullied. Not ever. No matter what you weighed, how you looked and what you wore. Second: I can totally understand that you´re terrified of getting back to the situation you were in and that you equate gaining weight with being spat out by people around you. Third: a bite of cake won´t make you gain weight. A whole cake would. Fourth: is there a possibility for you to get counseling (through school maybe)? Because your message makes me feel afraid for you. 1000 kcal for a young woman of your height is very little even when you´re losing weight - it´s very hard to give your body enough nutrients if you eat that little - and the obvious panic you feel when thinking about eating more could mean you´re headed in the direction of an eating disorder. I don´t want that for you, because eating disorders kill people and I want you to be well. So do your friends, by the way. This is not about them being disappointed if you don´t eat cake with them, it´s about them worrying for your health and well-being.
Take care, enjoy your birthday and please try to find a professional to talk to about your problems.
LaMa

 

[DietAccountability101]

I am in complete agreement with what La Ma says!

I would also like to add in a well done on losing so much weight in the first place. 68 pounds is a huge amount of weight to lose. I think part of the reason why you're panicking is because of how restrictive your diet has been. 1,000 calories is not a lot. I weigh 140 lbs and I would find that impossible! Your target calories sound a lot more realistic. By losing weight gradually you'll find that you still get results even if you have the odd cheat day, which should make events seem less scary. It'll also reduce the likelihood of losing muscle mass, which combined with exercise, in itself aids weight loss since it has an effect on your metabolism. Eating so little can slow your metabolism down, so it could achieve the opposite of what you were intending.

In any event, enjoy your birthday! 18 is a big milestone. Best of luck

 

[Cate]

Hi, Rita & welcome to the forum. I am in total agreement with everything LaMa said too. You deserve to be very proud of what you have achieved. It's very sad that you were bullied. There is never any justification for that. You are at such an important stage of your life. If I could turn back time & be your age I would see a psychologist & get help with self-esteem & would have saved myself many years of anguish & self-loathing. Perhaps self- loathing is too strong an expression, but I wish I had learned to love myself when I was younger. You can do something positive for yourself right now & save yourself a lot of anguish. Please see someone honey. See a nutritionist as well if you can. Don't put this off & please don't set yourself up for a lifetime of dieting. You are young enough to set yourself up for a very healthy & happy life.
Enjoy your birthday sweetie. Eat some good, healthy food & also have some cake. Happy 18th!!! ( I think I'm a day early still)