Starting Over

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FinallyFree

New member
Hi All,

I tried a forum much like this, but for relationship support for those in a domestic violence relationship years ago- back in 2009. It helped me leave the person, and gave me the strength and clarity I needed to start a new life. I am hoping that by writing here everyday, it will give me the hope and strength to end my weight battles for good.

Over the next coming days, I hope to examine and share what brought me to the point that I am at today. Basic stats: I stepped on the scale this evening and I was 201.6, up for 196 from yesterday morning. As you can tell my weight this evening is a reflection of a couple of binge days. Height: 5'10ish. Age: 41.

I think I started my first diet at around age 9 or 10. I was encouraged by my mother, although I was not overweight at the time, just tall and muscular for my age. I was always super fit and active growing up. I loved being outside. It was my escape from my household and from my parents. I went through phases of pudge, just like any child, but quickly leaned out. My mom was embarrassed of me when I got pudgy, but also seemed to hate me when I was thin. This would later become the story of my life. In fact, it continues on today.

My life coach once said that if I wanted to solve my self-worth problems and my weight, that I should go low contact with my mother. This has been hard for me to do. I am still desperately trying to win her love and approval, although it will never come.

I guess goal one outside of weight loss is to go low-contact with my mother, and to not share any unnecessary information with her.

My diet commitments:
Optifast 4x's a day plus 2 cups veggies, no alcohol, no sugar
Exercise: Run 4x's a week, weight lift 4x's, some fun exercise 1x/week
Sleep 8+ hrs a night.

Over the next few weeks, I am going to be unraveling my triggers, posting my feelings, and working on some DBT techniques to stop the binges and break the cycle. I am abstaining from binging and overeating. This is day 1. One day at a time.
 
Looking at your plan, I am concerned about a couple of things, at 160 calories per shake, 4 will leave you with a calorie total (640 + a small amount for minimal veg intake) way under the minimum needed for basic survival, as your current Resting Metabolic Rate is somewhere around 1830 calories (based on available information) without the exercise included. Also relying on shakes does not teach you how to eat in a healthy sustainable way in the long run, most people regain the weight Plus more when they return to a normal diet after relying on shakes and with super low calories setting you up for the continuation of YoYo dieting.
 
Hi FinallyFree and welcome to the forum. I agree with Tru´s concerns, especially if you´re planning to keep this extreme phase up for more than a couple of days, but also want to send you my vote of confidence that you can change things around and get happier in and with yourself. Feeding yourself healthy, enjoyable food can be an expression of self love. Binging for me is often an attempt to block out unpleasant feelings. It seems to be as hard to give up as alcohol is for alcoholics but I´ve improved a LOT over the years and I´m sure you will, too.
Best of luck, LaMa.
 
I understand your concerns. It is a medically supervised diet that includes classes, regular blood tests and transitions over a period of months into regular food. My doctor will also be adjusting the plan if need be. This is just for starters, and will be re-evaluated at each weigh-in/visit.
 
I´m glad to hear that. Having a team of professionals behind you and not having to think about what you will eat sounds like it might make the start less overwhelming.
 
Hey FF, welcome!

Your diet does sound pretty radical, but if its medically supervised it may be just the kick start you need.

Abstaining from bingeing and overeating is also important. Stopping the binge cycle has been very important to me, I know it will be for you too. I agree with LaMa's analogy to alcohol, binges were good for numbing my feelings, and I often combined the food with alcohol. I sure feel better not doing that now, I am sure you will be too.

Giving up alcohol and sugar (refined anyway) is a good way to start. Alcohol is wasted calories, and after drinking a bit it can be harder to stay on track with the food. I do still have a drink now and then, but am consuming less alcohol in a month than I used to have many nights. Refined sugar is just not necessary, getting sugar from fruit is a lot better.

You are off to a good start with a good plan! I am looking forward to following your progress!
 
I decided to start my diet today. So far, so good!

We went out to breakfast for the first time since March. It used to be our regular Sunday outing. We would bundle up our son, and take him to this great little greasy spoon across from the fire station. My son absolutely loves watching the fire trucks and buses go by.

Today, I ordered a western omelet, and shared it with my son. I wasn't even tempted to eat more than I should or than what I had allotted for the day. It tasted extremely rich compared to all the breakfasts we have had at home lately. It is interesting dining out again after such a long break... I have missed seeing people, even waiters and waitresses. I miss the normalcy of all of it.

We headed down to the beach after breakfast, and went for a walk. It was such a nice morning!

As for the rest of today, I am going to try to clean the house and get out for another small walk this evening. I have a busy week ahead of me, and it is just nice to relax and breathe in fresh air.
 
That sounds like a lovely day. It is good if you can include real food in your diet. Learning new healthy habits will help you long term.
 
Exceptions are fine as long as they remain exceptions. And you clearly made better choices than you once would have so good job!
 
FinallyFree said:
...
My diet commitments:
Optifast 4x's a day plus 2 cups veggies, no alcohol, no sugar
Exercise: Run 4x's a week, weight lift 4x's, some fun exercise 1x/week
....
Click to expand...

could i ask...? post a timeline of a typical day (24 hours) of eating (or drinking, i guess) start the clock when you awake... when do you have the Optifast drinks? most importantly, when is the last drink/ meal of the day? on the days you work in some exercise, also note the time(s) you take care of that.

about the calories in those drinks... what is the breakdown on percentages ... carbohydrate, protein, fat...?

isn't all exercise fun? ... :)
 
I try to eat every two to three hours. I have a 2 year-old and run a business, so sometimes my schedule can get a little wonky.

I try to eat at 10am. 12pm, 2pm-3pm and 5pm. I usually eat my veggies at dinner with my family and around the 2pm timeframe. I am not much of a breakfast person, so I have found that 10am is about as early as I can start eating without feeling... Yucky.
 
I have done something like this before with great success, and kept the weight off for years. I regained weight due to having several miscarriages in a row, and after sustaining an injury.

My coping mechanisms have always been food, exercise and... physical intimacy. When I lost my pregnancies, I couldn't exercise, I couldn't be physically intimate and despite having a therapist, I still hurt a lot. I sometimes still do, as my most recent lost was in early February at 10 weeks. I have done my best to cope with it, and then COVID struck, and I was at a loss.

I am pretty good at adjusting to difficult circumstances. I run three small businesses, each one uniquely positioned to minimize risk for both recessions and periods of economic growth, but there is only one that supplies me with steady monthly income (property management)- at it is my least favorite job of all. I truly do not enjoy it, but it pays the bills and helps to support my family. I hate being the bad guy, and in this situation, I was nothing but the bad guy.

I stress-eat for comfort, for love and to stuff down who I am. I am married, and most of the time my husband is great, but we have had our rough moments lately. I think the stress is getting to us, and I feel a little like I am in a pressure-cooker.

Running helps. Meditating helps. Warm baths help. Reading a delicious book helps. Snuggles with my son help. But damn (excuse my language), do I miss my time ALONE!

I feel like my identity has been swallowed by motherhood, and by being a wife.

I don't want to go too much into my previous life here, but it was filled with a lot of travel, time alone and personal and professional development. I used to travel as much as I could, and now I simply can't. I am angry sometimes at everything I had to give up to be the person I am today- and yet, I love who I am today soooo much. I love being M's mother. I just wish I knew how to reconcile the two pieces inside of me a little bit better.

If anyone has any tips about how to balance motherhood with personal development, I am all ears!
 
I don't know anything about motherhood but it does sound like you have a decent insight in your own emotions and troubles and that's very valuable. Right now a lot of people seem to be feeling trapped and either angry or anxious. Having that happen right after a trauma would bring anyone to the end of their healthy coping strategies.
Also: if normally had good eating habits you might actually be one of the few people for whom a crazy crash diet like this could work :) So keep at it and keep being kind to yourself.
 
FinallyFree said:
I try to eat every two to three hours. I have a 2 year-old and run a business, so sometimes my schedule can get a little wonky.

I try to eat at 10am. 12pm, 2pm-3pm and 5pm. I usually eat my veggies at dinner with my family and around the 2pm timeframe. I am not much of a breakfast person, so I have found that 10am is about as early as I can start eating without feeling... Yucky.
Click to expand...

if you can stick to that schedule.... breakfast at 10am... last meal being over at, say 6pm, it becomes key that you take the time between 6pm and your first meal the next day at 10am to let your blood sugar get depleted and have your insulin level drop. at this point (or alternately during exercise when your body demands more energy) you will be able to tap your energy reserve... aka, adipose tissue... aka, fat stores. otherwise, if you keep your insulin level or rather your insulin to glucagon ratio high, not able to get at your fat stores, the only option left is that your body will start to lower your metabolic rate.

on your Optifast analysis, you missed the 3.5 gm fat which is the rest of the 160 calories. they have 4g of sugar/ serving and its added sugar... that's 16g/ day ... that's sort of disappointing. for 18g of carbs, it could have more fiber, too. probably nothing really bad, but you can probably guess i'm not a fan of "shake" diets. especially with the added sugar, i see it as just another processed food.
 
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